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ShiftedJewel -> Trust (more ramblings) (3/8/2005 5:04:29 PM)
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I'm sure you're starting to notice a pattern here... lol
I believe there has been a lot of focus on the “kinks” of this lifestyle and not nearly enough on mental or emotional parts. Yes, this lifestyle opens up a whole new arena for kinky or even bizarre sexual conduct, but it also opens up the emotional, mental and intellectual side as well. In no other relationship is it more vital that you know your partner as well as you need to in this one. For the submissive or slave, it can border on life threatening if you do NOT know your partner and have complete and total trust in them. For the Master/Mistress or Dominant it is just as scary.
The patience that is required is immeasurable, taking the time to really know the other person, to understand their hopes and fears, their desires and needs, to open your heart and soul to them, is the only way to completely insure a wonderful relationship. Of course that is easier said then done.
It used to be easy to trust others, the hand shake was more contract one hundred years ago then the ones drawn up by lawyers are today. But population increases, greed, selfishness, fear and lack of responsibility has possessed the world we live in. Predators roam the streets, the internet, the classified adds and even our dreams in today’s society, making it all but impossible to trust even your closest neighbor to feed your dog, let alone allowing someone to tie you up to the point of being completely without control of what can and does happen.
So how do you get there from here? First, I think we should decide what complete and total trust means. In my opinion it means that you know with you’re whole heart and soul that the person you are involved with sees you, your wants, needs, desires and feelings, as well as your mental, physical and emotional health as a priority equal to or greater then their own personal welfare. Sounds a little extreme huh? Well, not when you consider all that is at risk. On the submissive/slave end of it, everything is at risk, right down to their lives. Ok, so there is always a good chance that the One you have fallen for would never cause you harm, not intentionally at least. But in a panic situation do you believe that they can and will function well? If a fire were to start, could they maintain long enough to either extinguish it or release you from your bonds in time to reach safety? In the case of a heart attack, seizure or countless other medical emergencies, will they know what to do or how to react?
Learning to trust is one of the most difficult things most of us ever have to do. You have to be willing to take emotional chances, step out of your comfort zone and test the waters. Take it one step at a time. The best couples, whether it’s a D/s, M/s or vanilla lifestyle, start out as best friends. We learn as kids what and who to trust and those lessons stay with us forever, some not always for the good.
Our ability to trust is based on the way we perceive what the other person says or does, their ability to show us that they are who or what they say they are. How we perceive others is based on how honest we are with ourselves. It’s important to do a lot of soul searching, to learn about your own need to trust and be trusted. We can not expect others to be open with us if we are not with ourselves. Building complete trust is a series of baby steps, first we have to establish open communication, and lots of it. In doing so we learn whether or not the person we have connected with is consistent in thoughts, actions and deeds, do they follow through with what they say? Do their morals, ideals, beliefs and mannerisms stay the same or do they change with their moods? Ask a lot of questions and remember the answers, compare them to later behaviors and never be concerned about pointing out any inconsistencies. Be patient in choosing who to trust and who not to, time spent discovering a life long friend is never wasted.
Once you have found someone that you can talk to, openly and honestly, it’s time to examine the exchange of information. Both of you should be sharing equally. It’s unwise to pour out your heart to someone that only listens and never shares their own feelings with you. And try not to fall for the “you can trust me” blanket statement so many spout on a daily basis. I tell everyone the same thing, don’t trust me if you don’t know me, check out what I say or do, satisfy yourself that I am trustworthy, never take someone’s word for it.
Know who you are dealing with inside out. Understand what it is that they expect from you and what you expect from them. Talk about your sexual needs and desires, what you will not accept and what you could possibly change in the future. Be blunt and straight forward about it. If you are not willing to participate in certain activities, don’t be afraid to say so, it’s best to be upfront about it now rather then being in the middle of a sexual scene and mentioning it then. If the other persons expectations far exceed your own, or vise versa that’s something that should be viewed as a red flag. Just because you can talk openly to them, just because you feel so at ease with them, does not mean you are compatible as a couple. Remember, this is the person you expect to agree to and follow your list of limits and expectations, if those limits and expectations do not match theirs you take the risk of either some one slipping up and forgetting, or getting caught up in the moment and pushing harder then you would like to be pushed. Friends are people you can trust with anything you say, lovers you need to trust with your mental, as well as physical well being. Move slowly along this path, anyone that has ever experienced it will tell you the same thing, you never know just how important it is to totally trust someone until that last cuff is on, that last shackle is in place and you are completely helpless. That is not the time for doubts and concerns.
Jewel
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