RE: ettiquette... (Full Version)

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Trampler -> RE: ettiquette... (2/8/2007 2:49:07 PM)

With certain friends I am very touchy feelie.  There are certain acquaintances that I give hugs to, that like to come up behind me and pull my hair.  Yet there are still others that I get along with when I see them but don't give them hugs or inclined to be friends with or play with them.  It all varies. 



RavenMuse -> RE: ettiquette... (2/8/2007 3:30:07 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Noah
This "no touching" thing keeps coming up. Do you really observe such a rule in any social situation, whether or not kinky?

It keeps being stated as an absolute, too, no exceptions (except by special permission in advance) no modulation such as: "within reason."  I don't want to jump to conclusions. Would some of you care to indicate just how radically this rule is enforced?


Read a bit more carefully Noah and I think you will find the answer is pretty clear.
quote:

ORIGINAL: RavenMuse

quote:

ORIGINAL: SusanofO

If it's a dungeon, or a play-party


nothing is more likely to get you a rather physical responce from someone of My ilk than making a grab at My girl during play.


Both seem to be refering to play situations where the rule is an absolute, mine certainly does.

Other than that, sure I'm not going to bat an eyelid at 'normal' behaviour.... but likewise just because it is a room full of perverts, people can't just wander over and "cop a feel" of someone whenever they want to..... Well not unless they happen to Own the person in question at least.



twicehappy -> RE: ettiquette... (2/8/2007 3:33:09 PM)

It keeps being stated as an absolute, too, no exceptions (except by special permission in advance) no modulation such as: "within reason."  I don't want to jump to conclusions. Would some of you care to indicate just how radically this rule is enforced?[/quote]

At the munch group we attend nobody even trys to hug me that has not received permission previously without asking.

This is different than at a family and friends type gathering.



RavenMuse -> RE: ettiquette... (2/8/2007 3:38:20 PM)

It wouldn't crop up over here.... People known to each other reasonably well might hug, strangers DON'T... just a cultural diffrence. Some person meeting My girl for the first time it wouldn't be normal behavour for them to do so, she would react, so would I... if I had any need to, but more likely they would have already been put in their place by My girl :)



NorthernGent -> RE: ettiquette... (2/9/2007 1:30:58 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: twicehappy

At the munch group we attend nobody even trys to hug me that has not received permission previously without asking.

This is different than at a family and friends type gathering.



It's a very cultural issue. The British and the French are a good example of two different points of view:

The French welcome everyone (regardless of familiarity) with a hug in the interests of bonding. I can see the reasoning behind that i.e. invite people and they'll respond and make for a warm evening.

The British only hug those who are respected (not strangers). I can guarantee that we're as friendly as anyone but we don't give it out for nothing, you have to earn it. We see anything else as false.

There are pros and cons to both, it's a cultural issue. In a nutshell, the French will shower anyone with affection, we only shower those who have earned our affection.



Vendaval -> RE: ettiquette... (2/9/2007 2:26:37 PM)

The same is also true in Latin cultures, men shake hands with
each other, almost all other combinations include a kiss on one
or both cheeks, women, children, etc.  It is a dry kiss and just
a peck, a sign of affection, not sexual in any way.  Latin people
in general are very physically affectionate and very warm towards
friends and family.
 
Another aspect of culture is your chosen culture; i.e. your
friends and social circle.  Amongst my theatre friends we are
very physcally affectionate and emotionally supportive.  That
is not the case with my gamers and geek friends usually.
 
At a munch, play party or dungeon, slaves may well be in
high protocol mode, with specific instructions from the Master
or Mistress to not speak unless spoke to first.  And unless the
Mistres or Master gives specific permission, they will not be
allowed anything beyond a verbal greeting.  When people within
the Lifestyle are old friends and know each other, they are
going to be more relaxed in a social setting.  My Kinky friends
are carefully affectionate, touching each other only if allowed
by the Mistress/Master and only if the gesture is appreciated and welcomed. 
 
I can also say from experience that many female subs/slaves
HATE being touched by strangers at Kink events and will respond
in a negative manner whether they have an owner or not. 
Some even wear t-shirts that say, "Thanks for not hugging!"



hobbit9sub4u -> RE: ettiquette... (2/9/2007 3:07:54 PM)

i want one of those shirts[:)]



LTRsubNW -> RE: ettiquette... (2/9/2007 3:20:49 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: soulKnife

okay um this may seem wierd but anyone have advice on conducting oneself in a bdsm-oriented social setting? I apologize for the vagueness but any advice would be appreciated.


Well, I suspect you'll get vastly more pertinent answers if you actually ask a question that assumes some basis;

What social setting?

Are you sub or Dom?

Is your mate sub or Dom?

Is whipped cream involved?




whisperedsighs -> RE: ettiquette... (2/9/2007 3:34:25 PM)

Touching in any of the "BDSM" events is only done with expressed permission.  You do not go and hug strangers.  Amoung friends you get to know who does and doesn't like physical contact.  I don't like strangers coming up and touching me in any way, and when at a BDSM related event, social gathering, I am much more vulnerable so like it even less.



Archer -> RE: ettiquette... (2/9/2007 3:45:57 PM)

It takes only a quick "May I?" to me to be permitted a hug from my girl, if we know you. But even amoung people we have known for years the permission is an enforced protocol for us. Leather Family members have continued permission for such freindly touches, but unless you are in my Leather Family if I am there and you want to hug Elegant you ask first.
I tell folks it's like touching my dick if you don't know me that well then you don't touch my slave.

Now there are times when Elegant is nt attending to me directly at an event or function and I'll tell her "butterfly protocol" and she is then free to flit about and accept hugs without asking me first. Otherwise she will step back as you move forward to hug, hoping you'll get the hint.



twicehappy -> RE: ettiquette... (2/9/2007 3:54:26 PM)

Archer, what you described is pretty much how i was taught as well.



BRNaughtyAngel -> RE: ettiquette... (2/9/2007 4:13:30 PM)

I have a question. [sm=confused.gif]  What about extending your hand for a handshake when introduced to someone?  I've never been to any type of BDSM event, casual or otherwise, but I've always been the type who extends my hand and gives a firm, yet gentle handshake when I'm introduced to another person.

Does anyone do that or is that a no-no for a sub/slave?






twicehappy -> RE: ettiquette... (2/9/2007 4:46:38 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: BRNaughtyAngel

What about extending your hand for a handshake when introduced to someone? 

Does anyone do that or is that a no-no for a sub/slave?


How you behave is pretty much your owner/Dom's call. You need to discuss this with him prior to attending an event.
 
What Archer stated has been pretty much the protocol i've always used and seen.
 
Subs/slaves are simply not touched without permission, not even for a handshake.
 
The munch we belong too, if it somebody who has been given permission on a prior occasion to hug they do not need to ask again. But outside of hugging there is no touching of me period. 



BRNaughtyAngel -> RE: ettiquette... (2/9/2007 4:50:54 PM)

Thank you twice.  It's such an automatic response for me to do that, I never thought about how it would be viewed in the BDSM world. 



CreativeDominant -> RE: ettiquette... (2/9/2007 5:00:12 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: soulKnife

okay um this may seem wierd but anyone have advice on conducting oneself in a bdsm-oriented social setting? I apologize for the vagueness but any advice would be appreciated.


Not a lot, if any, that I can add here except to note my own feelings.

I'm a big believer in treating others with, at the very least, common courtesy.  I say "Please" and I say "Thank-you" and do this even at social BDSM events, whether it is a munch, a play-party or a high protocol evening.  It is part of who I am and just because the protocol for that evening is that all submissives will wait (non-sexually) on the dominants does not stop me from saying "Please" and "Thank-you".  The other rule for me is one that I find difficult to follow as I am normally a "touchy" kind of guy...my family are all touchers, my profession requires a great deal of it and my personality is geared that way.  However...I know that in a D/s BDSM setting, I prefer not to be touched nor to have my partner...whether she would be someone with me for the week or someone with me on an ongoing basis...touched without being asked first.  I extend that courtesy to others.  I offer my hand to other dominants to shake and I also speak to them first.  Many times, they will usually say something along the lines of "Say hello to miss submissive golightly" to let me know that, for now anyway, that it is O.K. to speak to her.  If I know the submissive well enough to shake her hand or hug her, at an event, I always ask permission. 



Archer -> RE: ettiquette... (2/10/2007 3:02:43 PM)

Going back to Emily Post and manners from the past, Social ranking is a fact of life you can dismiss it at your peril, for all the all are equal you want to believe there still remains a pecking order in any group of people.

For handshakes and such if you look at the relative pecking order you can figure out what you should do based on the community ettiquette.

As a matter of practicality I make a quick assessment of community standing when introducing myself or if itroduced by others.
Introductions if they are done according to ettiquette are Senior introduced to junior so your facilitator is going to clue you in on what the relative standing is.
If they introduce you to them, you are senior, if they intorduce them to you you are junior.
If you are junior allow them to make the move for a handshake, if you are senior then you will make the first move and establish the protocol for greetings between you.

I'm sure some will get up and protest they will not recognize any social order of precedence, but it does not change the fact that it exists and while free to ignore it you do so with the risks that you place yourself outside of the group.

Basis for all this is found in Emiliy Post



FatDomDaddy -> RE: ettiquette... (2/10/2007 5:03:29 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: hobbit9sub4u

also in a social dinner setting i was taught to always make sure master has hot buttered bread ready and on the table before you yourself get your food, masters needs come first.


I feel the exact opposite,

I feel the submissive should eat first.

Good leaders always sees to the care and well being of those under their care first.



valeca -> RE: ettiquette... (2/10/2007 5:27:05 PM)

I find that's a pretty good assessment of things, Archer.  It raises a question for me.

What is the social order of one introducing themself?  Does one become the Senior or the junior if one initiates the introduction?



marieToo -> RE: ettiquette... (2/10/2007 5:42:57 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: BRNaughtyAngel

Thank you twice.  It's such an automatic response for me to do that, I never thought about how it would be viewed in the BDSM world. 


I'm the same way, though I don't attend bdsm events.  No matter where I am I would extend my hand, at the very least,  when meeting someone for the first time.

If it's someone that I've been speaking to online and on the phone for a while, I will usually kiss them on the cheek.  

I really don't subscribe to a different protocol for a different type of 'affair'.  Anyone not gracious enough to accept a handshake from me, would be immediately wiped off my list of people to associate with, whether bdsm-oriented or otherwise.



Sternhand4 -> RE: ettiquette... (2/10/2007 6:02:15 PM)

One other ettiquette thing that is different that would not readily be apparent to a newbie ( at least ot wasnt to me ) to the public play scene is that unlike a business social setting, ( where its normal to exchange this type of info ) you do not  get or ask questions where people work. If they choose to reveal that info, great, but its not a topic for discussion for many.  Not everyone is as open with thier choice to participate in this pursuit.








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