ShiftedJewel
Posts: 2492
Joined: 12/2/2004
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I was going to wait a few days to post this, but some of the other topics I have been reading have prompted me to post it now. And yes, the last of the cornerstones is on its way. In my opinion Trust, Honesty, Communication and Respect are the ties that hold relationships together, no matter what lifestyle you live.
Communication is one of the most important factors in the BDSM lifestyle; now add to that the necessity of well tuned listening skills. There are a lot of people that can communicate beautifully but don’t listen well; the reverse is also true in many cases. So how do you learn those skills? Communication is the art of sharing your ideals, thoughts, feelings and emotions through words, tone of voice and facial expressions. Listening is the art of taking in all of those things and grasping information from them. To communicate well it is important that you understand that there is a huge difference between just talking, attacking and communicating. To just talk to someone is to experience an exchange of words, often with no real exchange of information. To attack is to accuse. A lot of people don’t understand that when you start a sentence with the word “you”, the attack mode has kicked in and the response will always be defensive. Example: You look nice today! (Sounds harmless enough, doesn’t it?) Response: “Thank you!” (Thought process…. Hmm, does that mean I don’t normally look ok?) Granted that isn’t always the case, but you see how it could happen. If instead you said “I like that outfit/suit you’re wearing”… The response instead would or could be… “Well thank you, I got this at such and such a store, or I’ve had it forever…” and a conversation is started. To communicate is to verbally express a feeling, need, desire or idea in a manor that others can comprehend easily, process the information and gain some knowledge from it. When you are trying to “communicate” it is wise to do so in a direct manor, using as little “fill” as possible. In other words, get to the point quickly and concisely. Beating around the bush tends to stretch the listeners ability to focus on the subject at hand.
Listening is an equally difficult skill to master. Most people just go with the flow; they hear what is being said and react accordingly. But does that always work? Not at all, in fact it fails most of the time. We have such a wide range of emotions and facial expressions that it is all too easy to mistake a tone or look to mean something totally opposite of what is being said. A person’s face may say they are angry, yet their voice may be saying the complete opposite. Because of that it so very important to “read” the person you are speaking with. Law enforcement does it all the time. Watch their expression, listen to the inflexion of their voice and notice their animations. It’s old advice but it seems to work, when in doubt you should repeat back to them what it is you believe they meant instead of assuming. Asking for clarification does not make you look ignorant, assuming generally does.
The real nightmare is the internet! There even the best educated and well versed individuals with massive vocabularies find it all but impossible to get a point across using just typed words. This is where listening skills are the most necessary and are equally difficult to master. Its best when you take the time to think about what was said, dissect it and examine it with the knowledge that a few things could be happening here. First, the person making the statement may mean one thing but have problems putting it into words, another thing could be that the person that made the statement could have very poor communication skills, or the possibility exists that they are joking and their particular type of humor escapes you. The hard part is trying to decide which it is. Having taken in what they said, it is now up to you to decide how to react to the statement. My advice is when in doubt, seek clarification. There is no reason, aside from pride or refusing to admit that you don’t fully understand the statement, to sit there and wonder. The chances are good that, first, if you decide that the statement was one that you considered to be derogatory and you react to that accordingly, second, if it turns out that it wasn’t meant in that context, even with apologies all around the conversation, the communication, is broken down, possibly beyond recovery. Why? Because the attack and defend mode has now come into play. The person that made the initial statement is now leery to try again, fearful of another misunderstanding; and the other person practically lays in wait to see if the same thing happens again, ready to pounce at a moments notice, if for no other reason then to prove they were right to begin with.
Good communication skills are vital in all walks of life but are meaningless if you don’t “listen” with an open mind.
Jewel
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Don't ask, trust me, you won't like the answer... no one ever does.
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