RE: Do the most Dominant men identify themselves as Dom

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RE: Do the most Dominant men identify themselves as Dom - 2/13/2007 7:25:48 AM

CreativeDominant

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quote:

ORIGINAL: touchthesky

it seems to me that the most naturally sexually Dominant men i know are not into BDSM. In fact i run into alot of Doms who seem almost too accomodating, more like they are Dom in order to fill my needs. I have spoken to the men i know not into the lifestyle about checking it out, since they have frequently complained other women found them too ruff. but in the 3 cases i am thinking of they more or less said BDSMwas too cult-like. I was talking to a friend about this who said he thought we in BDSM try to hide behind the rituals and equipment and run from intimacy. i can't say i agree but its something to think about

Being sexually dominant is only one aspect of the total picture of dominance. It seems to me that you can find women, vanilla and submissive, who want and appreciate this aspect only.

You speak of being "too accomodating"...what exactly does that mean? Dominant outside the bedroom and far too accomodating within it? Gentlemanly at all times while controlling things in a dominant, responsible manner which allows for varying levels and frequency of use of terse commands rather than being terse and commanding at all times? I've been involved in 2 LTRs, had one very unusual relationship that even I don't quite know how to describe and know quite a few submissives mainly as friends with a few that have been casual play partners. They run the gamut in what they consider me to be. One...a very good friend...thinks I am entirely too accomodating. Another thinks I tend to be too controlling in my ways. Different people view us in different ways. I know that I see my two unmentionables in entirely different ways than their mother does.

Sexual dominance is like anything else. You spend time learning the skills and apply them properly and you know what? There will be some women who view you as a great, sexually dominant lover. There will be other women who find you to be all too accomodating and still others who find you too rough.

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RE: Do the most Dominant men identify themselves as Dom - 2/14/2007 4:10:54 AM

gypsygrl

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For me, it helps to remember that 'dominant' is, first and foremost, an adjective that refers to someone who dominates (a verb). Using dominant as a noun to refer to someone who always seeks the dominant position is a matter of convience and makes sense in communities devoted to reflexivly practicing sexual power exchange but outside of those communities, I'm pretty sure people dominate and submit without bothering to label themselves. I dated a man once who didn't have any lifestyle identification (he did call himself a pervert) but I had to literally take him by the hand (or dick) and lead him along. I would describe him as sexually submissive and probably would have stayed with him except for the fact that he wanted an exclusive relationship and I didn't see myself being able to submit to him without going crazy. I really liked him and he was a lot of fun because he was such a pervert.

I was involved with another guy who was thoroughly dominant but, again, had no lifestyle identification. There was never a moment where I doubted who was in control and he had no qualms about doing what he wanted or telling me to do what he wanted. He was very gentle and never did any rough stuff except towards the end of our fling when we were moving towards heavier kinds of play at my pushing. Since I rarely combine sex with intimacy, his skill in that regard was essential to me being with him at all and it took me a long time to submit to his style. Interestingly, he wasn't intimate at all outside of sex and his lack of emotional connection often astounded me. When we did do heavier kinds of stuff, I ran into trouble because at that point I needed connection when we weren't playing and he couldn't provide that. He seemed to resist even talking about it and things kind of fell apart.

Neither of these guys identified themselves as being this or that and it wasn't necessary. They each had their preferred style and the one seemed naturally submissive, while the other seemed naturally dominant.

Emotional connection and intimacy involve risking vulnerability. Personally, I find the rituals and structures common within bd/sm to promote those risks particularly if that's part of the interaction. I don't know precisely how it works, but there's some places I won't go without some kind of structure in place that defines the relational hiearchy (I'm like this in all contexts, not just intimate ones) and a way of reflecting on/ talking about whats going on. So, for me at least, some of the practices found within bd/sm further intimacy and emotional connection. But, I'm sure this has to do with the people involved in any given interaction.

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RE: Do the most Dominant men identify themselves as Dom - 2/14/2007 9:22:58 AM

SlyStone

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Terrific post.

I think the rituals and structure are in fact what separates D/s from a vanilla relationship and are therefore incredibly important and meaningful in terms of identification for those people who identify themselves as D/s, but I do think there can be to much of both and that they can overshadow reality. I think this is why you read so many posts here with people struggling with this very issue.

While I enjoy the structure and rituals of D/s up to a point, I also recognize that they can be used to hide behind and as an excuse for those unable to relate without masks or titles or rules of engagement, or those overly engaged in fantasy. Structure is often the haven for the unimaginative. "Tell me who I am and what to do and I will become and I will provide."

It seems to me that the more structure and rituals you employ in D/s the more restrictive your exchange, the more predictable your outcome, and the less allowance for individuality and perhaps even intimacy.

But of course there is no right or wrong here and in the end, as always, it is what the individuals themselves make of the given situation.

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RE: Do the most Dominant men identify themselves as Dom - 2/14/2007 11:30:29 AM

denika

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Rob (husband) is a naturally Dominant person, it's not about barking orders or being bossy, we are equeals in our marriage but he is a take charge kind of guy and his dominant side does come out more in a sexual setting, mind you he is a very sexual person, his drive is way higher than mine! Slowly he has become more comfortable with taking the lead in our relationship, after 16 years of equality neither of us want to feel resentment towards the other.
He would agree with you about the symbols and rituals, he finds alot of it funny especialy when we have gone out to public play parties, the in fighting and pettyness turn him off to BDSM as well. He (and I do as well) find alot of the gossping and bickering ( My Master is better than yours, I'm more important than you,I can take a harder hit, blah,blah,blah) the insecurities are frightening and that is what turns him off more than anything.

denika

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RE: Do the most Dominant men identify themselves as Dom - 2/14/2007 12:03:11 PM

sexyone4you

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Haha, he's right when it comes to a lot of people.

I'll also add that dominant personality does not translate into dominant orientation.

I have to agree with you. I am dominant in my vanilla life, but in my personal life, I wish to be submissive. Outward appearances have little to do with defining with role you fill.

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RE: Do the most Dominant men identify themselves as Dom - 2/14/2007 2:41:21 PM

gypsygrl

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Sometimes a restrictive exchange can actually have a liberating effect particularly if the restrictions work in such a way that they channel emotional engery and work against dispersal.

For example, in most long term relationships where the couple lives together, there's a tremendous energy dispersal because there's so many things that have to be taken care of in the context of the relationship, particularly if there's um's involved. Unless the couple structures things to make sure they intimately connect on a regular basis, and make a commitment to following through, there's a good chance that it won't happen because there's always something "more important" to do. The structure allows for the focus or the channeling of energy. I imagine this sort of thing would be true of both vanilla and D/s relationships.

In a D/s style interaction, its pretty clear in advance who lays down the basic structure. Sometimes, that will be for to D's benefit, sometimes (I imagine) for the s's benefit, and, in my mind, it's probably best if it works for the benefit of the relationship itself.

Personally, I need a lot of structure and its only within that structure that I can manage a relationship at all because I have so many things going on in my life and crap running through my head. If a good structure is in place, its easier for me to shift from regular everyday stuff, and focus on whatever I need to be doing as a submissive to a specific Dominant, so it actually has an enabling effect rather than a restrictive effect. And, when all else fails--particularly, when I'm having typical submissive doubts--there's always the structure to fall back on. At least, in my mind. I don't mean for these thoughts to apply to anyone else. :)

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