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Insecure Doms? - 2/11/2007 7:32:58 PM   
gandalf0297


Posts: 148
Joined: 8/6/2006
Status: offline 		I hardly ever post so please bear with me if this seem's a bit disjointed.
I have been noticing as of late an awfull lot of submissives/slaves asking about restrictions of some sort or another. The ones that bother me most are the ones that tend tword isolationism. Restrictions on friends,family,online forums ect........if not outright disallowing the aforementioned.Myself I see no problem with a sub having friend's ect as long as she does what she is required to do.so I guess to cut to the quick. It seems like it's the Dom's insecurities showing more than anything else.And that it is the Dom's personal flaw's creeping up not the subs.

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"The best things cannot be said. The second best are misunderstood." (Joseph Campbell.)
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RE: Insecure Doms? - 2/11/2007 7:42:23 PM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: gandalf0297
It seems like...


Appearances can be deceptive. As long as it's consensual...

Master Fire


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The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
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RE: Insecure Doms? - 2/11/2007 8:04:04 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		I've never met a dom who didn't have some insecurities.

I think a whole heck of a lot of doms have huge issue insecurities which leads to problems maintaining a long term relationship.

I don't think putting restrictions on anything is necessarily a sign of insecurity on anyone's part.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

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RE: Insecure Doms? - 2/11/2007 8:07:01 PM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		It isn't the act, it is the motivation.  Put simply, why are you cutting off contact?  Is it because you are a fucked up control freak or because she/he chooses bad friends?

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
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RE: Insecure Doms? - 2/11/2007 8:20:03 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		When I started seeing my Daddy I had a friend that encouraged me often to think the worst of his motives and at times it stirred up insecurity in me. My Daddy sensed this was the case but never once told me I should not have this friend, or said anything bad about her. He never once undermined a friendship that predated "us" by 5 years. Eventually I came to realize I was allowing this friendship to drive a wedge between us because I was listening to her and not to him. I quit talking to her for awhile on my own. I continued to answer her phone calls, and to talk to her, but my relationship was off limits to her. I told my Daddy this, and he was so gracious about the entire situation, understanding it was her situation that she was projecting on to our relationship.

After this experience, if he told me that someone was toxic to me and was unacceptable to him, I would heed that as long as it was not my child or most of my other family.

I do see a problem with isolating anyone from their extended network of support, it reeks of abuse to me. I am not being ubiquitous and saying in every circumstance it is wrong, but to me it just feels very wrong... but to each their own.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

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RE: Insecure Doms? - 2/14/2007 11:51:09 AM   
sexyone4you


Posts: 613
Joined: 8/17/2006
Status: offline 		I haven't had anyone put contact restrictions about family and friends on me, but I know subs who want that sort of control over them.

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RE: Insecure Doms? - 2/14/2007 12:03:18 PM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: gandalf0297

I hardly ever post so please bear with me if this seem's a bit disjointed.
I have been noticing as of late an awfull lot of submissives/slaves asking about restrictions of some sort or another. The ones that bother me most are the ones that tend tword isolationism. Restrictions on friends,family,online forums ect........if not outright disallowing the aforementioned.Myself I see no problem with a sub having friend's ect as long as she does what she is required to do.so I guess to cut to the quick. It seems like it's the Dom's insecurities showing more than anything else.And that it is the Dom's personal flaw's creeping up not the subs.


I think restricting anyone from their entire support network can be abusive.  I don't think that being aware that every time your submissive sees a certain person, your submissive ends up in a fight with others/comes home drunk/stays out late/disobeys and argues with you over things not even in play at the moment for discussion and pointing the above out to your submissive and restricting them from that person is abusive. 

There's a fine line.  Sometimes, the best way to handle it might be the way Sinergy did with julia...just keep quiet, be gracious, and let them find out for themselves what is most important...if it turns out the friend is more important, it may be likely that there would not have been much you could have done anyway to change things.
Other times, it may be necessary...as noted in a case such as what I wrote about above, or something similar...to restrict them from a person. 

But I admit I might wonder were I to speak with a submissive whose dominant had cut her off from all her old friends and family...surely they are not all toxic to her life.

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RE: Insecure Doms? - 2/14/2007 1:06:12 PM   
toservez


Posts: 1733
Joined: 9/7/2006
From: All over now in Minnesota
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

It isn't the act, it is the motivation.  Put simply, why are you cutting off contact?  Is it because you are a fucked up control freak or because she/he chooses bad friends?


I agree with this.

We all have insecurities of some nature it is only the amount of them and how prevalent these insecurities drive our actions and the negative effects it causes that determine if they are unhealthy.

Too many times on this board people jump to a conclusion based on prior history, stories and erring on the side of safety and common sense. What we often lack is the context which really drives the whole question. There is nothing wrong how people answered but without a complete story you can never be sure your answer really has any merit for that particular situation.

Obviously anyone that is trying to strip away a person’s support system has deep problems but there can be no blanket conclusions if a dominant forbids part of the system. Just too many variables, it can be a friend who will not be happy until you break up with the bad person but do all their friends feel that way. Preventing a person from talking to another in the life can be a sign of a problem but it can also be the person takes everything face value and badgers their dominant with questions and suggestions instead of concentrating on serving them.

One of my pet peeves/fascination with message boards is how a person can phrase a question and get answers resulting from how the question is phrased. Then see a similar question phrased differently and see completely different answers. Restrictions are part of the life of a slave. Some hurt but are needed to serve properly. Some are for the betterment of ourselves, some are just stupid and unfortunately there will be some that are unhealthy. It is just tough to know which is which and make any gross generalizations based on them.


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I am sorry I do not fit Webster's defintion of a slave but thankfully my Master is not Webster.

"Anything that contradicts experience and logic should be abandoned." - H.H. The 14th Dalai Lama

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RE: Insecure Doms? - 2/14/2007 1:08:55 PM   
Aine


Posts: 820
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

I've never met a dom who didn't have some insecurities.

I think a whole heck of a lot of doms have huge issue insecurities which leads to problems maintaining a long term relationship.

I don't think putting restrictions on anything is necessarily a sign of insecurity on anyone's part.


I've never met a human without insecurities.


_____________________________

Honey, you obviously missed the "want to be used as a toilet fetish" thread or "where do I get instructions on setting my sub on fire" thread. LOL

Thank you, DelRay for that one.

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RE: Insecure Doms? - 2/14/2007 1:37:49 PM   
Wyrd


Posts: 109
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: Columbia, SC
Status: offline 		And even for those of us who have allowed our slaves more freedom in the past, what do you do when that freedom is abused by other Doms or the slaves?  Do you allow the next slave to have those freedoms?

I have had Doms talk to my slaves before because they knew I do not restrict who they talk to, and tell them all sorts of lies, by the time I realize it is going on, the slave is no longer as trusting as she once was and the relationship ends, not because of anything inside the relationship, but from outside poisons.

Yet, I still trust people, maybe I am just stupid... LOL

(in reply to Aine)
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RE: Insecure Doms? - 2/14/2007 4:04:42 PM   
SDFemDom4cuck


Posts: 2809
Joined: 5/23/2005
From: P'burgh PA
Status: offline 		Personally I have cut a sub off from family contact, however given the situation (alcoholism, drug abuse, physical and mental abuses from a young age and continuing throughout adulthood) I felt it was the right thing to do. After watching someone continually be emotionally devastated by such contact I couldn't just idly sit by and watch it continue.

Emails were automatically forwarded to my account and I chose which ones were readable; anything abusive was simply deleted unanswered. Calls were screened to a separate line with answering machine and also erased when drunken abusive ramblings were involved. By being given permission to do so (cut off contact) he slowly learned that he was capable of allowing himself to do it willingly as well. Unfortunately one doesnt get to choose their family, and sometimes the distancing of yourself from them is what's necessary in order to survive with some sense of sanity.

edited to add:

Did I cut him off from others in his life that were healthy and supportive relationships?? No.

Systematically isolating a sub from their entire support network otoh smacks of abuse in my opinion.

< Message edited by SDFemDom4cuck -- 2/14/2007 4:07:16 PM >

_____________________________

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She dealt her pretty words like Blades -
How glittering they shone -
And every One unbared a Nerve
Or wantoned with a Bone -

I want a sensitive man - one who'll cry when I hit him.

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RE: Insecure Doms? - 2/14/2007 4:27:51 PM   
MaryT


Posts: 553
Joined: 12/8/2006
Status: offline 		That makes sense to me.

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RE: Insecure Doms? - 2/14/2007 4:44:42 PM   
daddysprop247


Posts: 1712
Joined: 6/24/2005
From: DC Metro area
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: gandalf0297

I hardly ever post so please bear with me if this seem's a bit disjointed.
I have been noticing as of late an awfull lot of submissives/slaves asking about restrictions of some sort or another. The ones that bother me most are the ones that tend tword isolationism. Restrictions on friends,family,online forums ect........if not outright disallowing the aforementioned.Myself I see no problem with a sub having friend's ect as long as she does what she is required to do.so I guess to cut to the quick. It seems like it's the Dom's insecurities showing more than anything else.And that it is the Dom's personal flaw's creeping up not the subs.


things are not always what they seem. something that may appear to outsiders to be signs of insecurity or abuse, may in reality be signs of admirable control and training. isolation, whether parial or complete, from a submissive/slave's former friends and family may be necessary in order to successfully recondition and reprogram a person from a vanilla existence to a lifestyle one. this is especially true in the case of lifestyle slavery, where the transition can often be difficult and painful for a new slave. the lack of outside distractions, both past and present, allows a person to focus 100% on their purpose and place in life, on serving and pleasing the One who owns them. isolation is usually temporary, but there are some Dominants and Masters who apply isolation to some degree on a permanent basis, my own Master included. and in our case not only has it served all the purposes above, but it has also been a great reminder of just how absolute his power over me is...and has been one more thing to make me completely dependent on him, for physical as well as emotional needs.

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RE: Insecure Doms? - 2/14/2007 6:59:29 PM   
JasonF


Posts: 61
Joined: 5/30/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CreativeDominant

I think restricting anyone from their entire support network can be abusive. 


I agree. I don't tell my baby to stay away from any of her friends -- to me that's "bad controlling" not "good controlling", unless I feel for her safety (mental, emotional, or physical) in some way. Of course, we live 90 minutes away, so that also has some bearing on my hesitation to cut her off from people.


_____________________________

Jay
TNG-NC Council Member
engaged to my girl, junecleaver

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