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on the subject of a domme - 2/11/2007 7:33:53 PM

starlessgirl

Posts: 11
Joined: 2/11/2007
Status: offline

I was involved, to an extent, with a dominant woman who was married and had a pet. The relationship was terminated permanently, after three attempts at reconciliation for various reasons, because of something regarding my question below. (The whole experience seems to have soured me on polyamory.)

But on to my actual question:

If a potential lover is married to their own master, though has dominant needs that you might potentially fulfill for them, is a submissive strictly required to take blatant disrespect from the lover's master? I understand that the master's position is one that demands respect, but does that give the right and/or privilege to blatantly disrespect and belittle his submissive's potential partner? Is the partner required to take it because it's their lover's master?

Post #: 1

RE: on the subject of a domme - 2/11/2007 7:47:39 PM

FemmeOwner

Posts: 120
Joined: 11/26/2006
Status: offline

Sounds like you need to do a better job of screening who you enter into a relationship with, or at least negotiating the parameters.

(in reply to starlessgirl)

Post #: 2

RE: on the subject of a domme - 2/11/2007 7:50:06 PM

undergroundsea

Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline

I think disrespect for one's partner's lover goes against the spirit of polyamory.

I once saw a somewhat similar situation with a couple new to play outside the relationship and it seemed that the two were not yet comfortable in this arrangement--it seemed as if the primary lover was not secure about play outside the relationship and had to constantly remind everyone that he was the primary.

Cheers,

Sea

(in reply to starlessgirl)

Post #: 3

RE: on the subject of a domme - 2/11/2007 7:51:08 PM

starlessgirl

Posts: 11
Joined: 2/11/2007
Status: offline

We actually had known each other for over a year, and I'd never spoken to her husband because of the multiple splits between us. (And I take responsibility for two out of three of said splits.) I'd never spoken to her husband before, and when I emailed him at her request, he emailed me back with questions. I answered them clearly, politely, and honestly, but he accused me of avoiding the subject and was extremely disrespectful. The relationship ceased when I flatly said that whether he was her master or not, I wasn't going to be spoken to like that when I'd simply answered the questions asked.

_____________________________

"I wish you would stop looking for beauty in things that want to kill us."

(in reply to FemmeOwner)

Post #: 4

RE: on the subject of a domme - 2/11/2007 7:56:43 PM

starlessgirl

Posts: 11
Joined: 2/11/2007
Status: offline

That's what I felt as well. I didn't understand how if he wanted her to be happy and to have someone, why he would be so terrible to someone he hadn't even gotten a chance to get to know.

Well, that wasn't the case, as they'd been together for some time and had both a pet. The master also had his own submissive... she might have been a slave. I honestly don't remember at the moment.

Thank you for your input.

_____________________________

"I wish you would stop looking for beauty in things that want to kill us."

(in reply to undergroundsea)

Post #: 5

RE: on the subject of a domme - 2/11/2007 8:05:56 PM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

Sounds like they could do with getting their relationship stable and healthy before she reaches out to another. My gut says that she was hoping a relationship with you would somehow "fix" the relationship with her Master.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
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BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to starlessgirl)

Post #: 6

RE: on the subject of a domme - 2/11/2007 8:12:11 PM

SCDommie

Posts: 176
Joined: 1/24/2007
Status: offline

I am not into poly, but I can answer your question. If he is her Master, and she is his sub, she has to take what he dishes out although you may not approve of it. Then you are to serve her as you would a Dominant female, and I imagine you would fall under both sets of rules.
This is why I do not do poly because someone is going to love someone else more than the other one loves them.
Find you someone one who will allow you to serve them.

SCD

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Post #: 7

RE: on the subject of a domme - 2/11/2007 10:27:13 PM

Lashra

Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline

I don't think disrespect should play a part in any relationship. It has a way of destroying the foundation it is built upon and that is trust.

~Lashra

_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”

(in reply to starlessgirl)

Post #: 8

RE: on the subject of a domme - 2/11/2007 10:34:20 PM

CandleInTheWind

Posts: 347
Joined: 10/20/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: starlessgirl
If a potential lover is married to their own master, though has dominant needs that you might potentially fulfill for them, is a submissive strictly required to take blatant disrespect from the lover's master? I understand that the master's position is one that demands respect, but does that give the right and/or privilege to blatantly disrespect and belittle his submissive's potential partner? Is the partner required to take it because it's their lover's master?

It seems that someone else experienced the same exact relationship i ended back in october!!

I was "set up" with a Dommes Boyfriend..she set us up....then she couldnt deal with the fact that we got along so well...she was extremely disrespectfula nd spread all sorts of rumors about me with the local groups...and continues to this day to have some of her "clients" write mean and hateful emails to me on this site!!! I had enough and kicked hIm to the curb becasue not only was she beign rude and disrespectful...he was not doign anything to prevent the behavior!!!

It was my belief that he and i had a relationship...and my relationship with him had nothing to do with her...the same as his relationship with her was none of my busniess...and I personally was tired of coming in last place everytime she had a hissy fit...He cancelled on me far too many and well I was done!! I refuse to be disrespected by someone particulatrly when he was telling em to ignore her antics...My rationale was if you dont want me to take care of this...then Sir you need to becasue I do not tolerate disrespect from anyone!!!

and there you go I do not think that anyone should have to tolerate putting up with disrespect
just my 2 cents worth

red

_____________________________

It is better to be hated for something that you are
than it is to be loved for something you are not

(in reply to starlessgirl)

Post #: 9

RE: on the subject of a domme - 2/12/2007 5:08:59 AM

subrob1967

Posts: 4591
Joined: 9/13/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: starlessgirl

We actually had known each other for over a year, and I'd never spoken to her husband because of the multiple splits between us. (And I take responsibility for two out of three of said splits.) I'd never spoken to her husband before, and when I emailed him at her request, he emailed me back with questions. I answered them clearly, politely, and honestly, but he accused me of avoiding the subject and was extremely disrespectful. The relationship ceased when I flatly said that whether he was her master or not, I wasn't going to be spoken to like that when I'd simply answered the questions asked.

Sounds to me like he was protecting his submissive, and trying to prevent her from being hurt again.

(in reply to starlessgirl)

Post #: 10

RE: on the subject of a domme - 2/12/2007 6:23:19 AM

Aine

Posts: 820
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lashra

I don't think disrespect should play a part in any relationship. It has a way of destroying the foundation it is built upon and that is trust.

~Lashra

Amen.

Considering that it was not poly....not being involved whatsoever with her Husband/Master is something that says to me that perhaps things might not have been entirely cool with him. Considering his actions towards his wife's/sub's girl....also says to me that perhaps it wasn't something that he wasn't entirely keen on her having someone else.

In order for that kind of situation to work at all (IMHO) is that all parties are aware, and completely open and honest about their feelings on the situation, are ok with the situation and are familiar with all other parties involved. If Woman and girl are having problems, and Master of Woman doesn't know and doesn't approve and isn't at least friendly with Woman's girl, how the hell is he going to be able to help talk his Woman through and be helpful to said relationship that is outside of His primary relationship?

Problems on ALL sides, in my opinion. It was kinda doomed to fail without that kind of communication.

_____________________________

Honey, you obviously missed the "want to be used as a toilet fetish" thread or "where do I get instructions on setting my sub on fire" thread. LOL

Thank you, DelRay for that one.

(in reply to Lashra)

Post #: 11

RE: on the subject of a domme - 2/12/2007 7:43:05 AM

ShiftedJewel

Posts: 2492
Joined: 12/2/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SCDommie

I am not into poly, but I can answer your question. If he is her Master, and she is his sub, she has to take what he dishes out although you may not approve of it. Then you are to serve her as you would a Dominant female, and I imagine you would fall under both sets of rules.
This is why I do not do poly because someone is going to love someone else more than the other one loves them.
Find you someone one who will allow you to serve them.

SCD

Strong generalization for someone that can only imagine what poly is like. A misconception as well.

Starlessgirl... it sounds to me that you got involved in someone else's clusterfuck. It sounds like they are playing at poly and he gets to screw other women in return for her having her own toy... but that doesn't mean he has to like her having her own toys and that doesn't mean he has to be nice to her toys... although I would put money on the fact that she has to be nice to his toys... Jealousy is such an ugly thing. Starless... don't judge us all by that kind of experience.

Jewel

_____________________________

Don't ask, trust me, you won't like the answer... no one ever does.

(in reply to SCDommie)

Post #: 12

RE: on the subject of a Domme - 2/12/2007 8:07:32 AM

crouchingtigress

Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline

if what you posted was accurate and not sugar coated, i think you sound like the one that made another mis-step in that he had asked you to answer questions candidly, and to his satisfaction, and he felt you were being evasive and told you so. if that is all that happened, then he was not being disrespectful, just honest. and for you to fly into a tizzy and try to make her take sides was very disrespectful, the correct answer for you might have been something more like:

"I am sorry you felt i was being evasive, i dont feel i was, but what questions would you like more clarity and or candor on?"

_____________________________

Service slut, durable plaything, and ponypenquincatdogpig, to Lee Harrington

This is him

"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."

(in reply to ShiftedJewel)

Post #: 13

RE: on the subject of a Domme - 2/12/2007 8:16:30 AM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

I could only echo what Lashra and Jewel said. It is an issue created by those two individuals not the general concept of the situation.

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My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to crouchingtigress)

Post #: 14

RE: on the subject of a Domme - 2/12/2007 9:47:00 AM

starlessgirl

Posts: 11
Joined: 2/11/2007
Status: offline

Actually, crouchingtigress, I did ask him what he wanted me to be more clear on. I tried to reanswer the questions to his satisfaction, but it came down to that no answer I gave him was going to satisfy him.
I could understand his reluctance to accept me, but I couldn't understand why he could be so blatantly mean and rude to me when I was as respectful as could be to him.

_____________________________

"I wish you would stop looking for beauty in things that want to kill us."

(in reply to crouchingtigress)

Post #: 15

RE: on the subject of a Domme - 2/12/2007 10:04:10 AM

BBBTBW

Posts: 836
Joined: 5/21/2004
Status: offline

You knew this lady for a year and never met her husband? Does she really have a husband? You said 2 of the 3 splits were your fault. If she indeed does have a husband, could he be judging you based upon the splits and what she has told him about them? She might be disrespecting you to him and he really has nothing else to go on. Food for thought.

_____________________________

"You keep using that word, I do not think it means what you think it means" -- Inigo Montoya, The Princess Bride

(in reply to starlessgirl)

Post #: 16

RE: on the subject of a Domme - 2/12/2007 10:07:14 AM

starlessgirl

Posts: 11
Joined: 2/11/2007
Status: offline

Never meeting her husband was actually a decision of my own. I had multiple opportunities... I can't be sure of the exact count. One I ducked out on because of family problems (she understood and forgave me for 'standing her up') and the second time I didn't meet him because I got scared and just broke things off.

I was actually prepared to meet him that weekend, after we had resumed communication. As per her request and his, I emailed him and things deteriorated rather rapidly. As I never met him, I know he only had second hand knowledge of me to go on, so I'm not sure what he ever ACTUALLY thought of me.

_____________________________

"I wish you would stop looking for beauty in things that want to kill us."

(in reply to BBBTBW)

Post #: 17

RE: on the subject of a domme - 12/9/2008 7:45:25 PM

Surrenderwithin

Posts: 368
Joined: 10/8/2006
Status: offline

If a potential lover is married to their own master, though has dominant needs that you might potentially fulfill for them, is a submissive strictly required to take blatant disrespect from the lover's master? I understand that the master's position is one that demands respect, but does that give the right and/or privilege to blatantly disrespect and belittle his submissive's potential partner? Is the partner required to take it because it's their lover's master?

I wanted to take a moment and answer this question, because I should have been the one answering it all along. However, the way things happened that opportunity did not present itself.

Starlessgirl, You are a beautiful girl with so much potential. You should never be a doormat for anyone because you are above that. You should always remain true to yourself in all things. You need your fears head on, and if you want something to work out you cannot hide behind a defensive cover.

As others have stated I am sure this Master was concerned about his slave being hurt again. I am certain he had held her in his arms for countless nights as she cried. I am sure he felt the answers you gave were evasive, and simply wanted you to understand that. He probably wasnt looking for a specific answer from you... beyond the fact that you serious and not going to play games, tell lies, or walk away again so easily if he gave his consent for the relationship between the two of you to move to the next level.

I am sure he email to you was blunt and to the point and caused you to feel attacked. I am certain that was not his intent. He was trying to feel you out. He was protecting his property fiercly, just as I know she would have protected you.

Looking back perhaps both of you should have taken the medium conversation into account and given each other more of the benefit of the doubt. If you really wanted the relationship to work out between you and Dominant lady perhaps you could have taken the highroad and given him the benefit of the doubt until you could speak face to face.

There are two sides to every story, and every onlooker and participant will have thier own perspective. My advice to you is.... just because one poly family didnt work for you doesnt mean another will not. Try to find a balance between your fear of stepping out and the defensive nature that has protected you for so long. Keep in mind that one encounter gone bad doesnt make someone a bad person or even hateful. Communication can take a person a long way.

Be strong, dont let people disrespect you.... but be sure that you understand thier meaning before assuming the worst.
I wish you luck and hope you find fulfillment and beauty in your life, dear girl.
~ just me.

(in reply to starlessgirl)

Post #: 18

RE: on the subject of a domme - 12/9/2008 7:50:29 PM

YourhandMyAss

Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline

I certaintly believe you do not. But then I am pretty ornery about thins and will stick up for myself in a heart beat and tell said person where they may shove their inappropriate behavior towards me.

quote:

ORIGINAL: starlessgirl

I was involved, to an extent, with a dominant woman who was married and had a pet. The relationship was terminated permanently, after three attempts at reconciliation for various reasons, because of something regarding my question below. (The whole experience seems to have soured me on polyamory.)

But on to my actual question:

If a potential lover is married to their own master, though has dominant needs that you might potentially fulfill for them, is a submissive strictly required to take blatant disrespect from the lover's master? I understand that the master's position is one that demands respect, but does that give the right and/or privilege to blatantly disrespect and belittle his submissive's potential partner? Is the partner required to take it because it's their lover's master?

(in reply to starlessgirl)

Post #: 19

RE: on the subject of a domme - 12/10/2008 5:14:56 AM

ItalianSMistress

Posts: 427
Joined: 1/19/2007
From: Niagara Region Ontario Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SCDommie

I am not into poly, but I can answer your question. If he is her Master, and she is his sub, she has to take what he dishes out although you may not approve of it. Then you are to serve her as you would a Dominant female, and I imagine you would fall under both sets of rules.
This is why I do not do poly because someone is going to love someone else more than the other one loves them.
Find you someone one who will allow you to serve them.

SCD

I dont know where you get your information, but this is not usually the case.......

Anyway, on to the OP......

I dont know if it makes that much of a difference, I suppose it would depend on what exactly what the disrespect was, seeing as you two did not even met, but if you felt bad about it, I think she should have said something, or talked it out with you and/or him. I lived with my wife and son's father for a long time, and also had a nice pet that would visit often (weekly at least)...and even tho at times there was some three way jelousy, they were never, and would never disrespect each other, out of respect for me........so, this is not always the case, dont let it shy you away from poly if that is your interest.....you just need to find a relationship where everyone is comfortable and alright with the arangment...

_____________________________

Governess

"Dominance is the ability to create a hunger in someone that's so strong they will do anything, anytime, anywhere just to please you."

http://italianmistress.livejournal.com/

(in reply to SCDommie)

Post #: 20

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