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RE: monogamy - 2/13/2007 2:56:42 AM

eyesopened

Posts: 2798
Joined: 6/12/2006
From: Tampa, FL
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Monogomy is possible. For the majority of Doms i know, it's preferred. But let me say one thing, there is, in my opinion a difference between Poly and non-exclusive.

When i was first starting out i felt i needed to be in an exclusive relationship but then realized i can have whatever relationship i wanted. Confused? Well, i met a wonderful Master who had all the skill-set i needed in order to learn, discover, grow. He is non-exclusive. We negotiaged a relationship where i could also continue to seek my monogomous relationship while availing myself of His skills and learn from Him. The non-exclusive arrangement was perfect and frankly took a lot of pressure off me and allowed me to learn the best lessons of my life without entaglements. It was such a pure, free, happy relationship. That was many, many years ago and we remain good friends even today. i would not have had that opportunity had i not opened my mind up to other kinds of relationships.

Editied to add... My non-exclusive relationships have not included the other parties ever. When i am with a Dom, when we are together we are the only two there, devoted during our time together, focused only on each other. This i have demanded and this i have always received.

< Message edited by eyesopened -- 2/13/2007 3:08:17 AM >

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Post #: 21

RE: monogamy - 2/13/2007 3:20:03 AM

bandit25

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Joined: 6/18/2005
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Why the hostility? Who was reinventing the BDSM wheel? No one said that they didn't understand her...just that, perhaps, we may not want to be quite so narrow in our definitions. Chill.

(in reply to Focus50)

Post #: 22

RE: monogamy - 2/13/2007 5:49:22 AM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
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quote:

For the majority of Doms i know, it's preferred.

And I can state the exact opposite. Not from Doms I *know*, but from ones I've talked to, on-line. Many seem to want either poly or an open relationship. And many of them seem to think they can change a girl's mind about how she feels and approaches relationships.

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Post #: 23

RE: monogamy - 2/13/2007 9:13:24 PM

NightWindWhisper

Posts: 143
Joined: 5/28/2006
Status: offline

quote:

I am a novice sub who is seeking someone in her area (NYC) and in her age range (28-39) who would like to be monogamous. I am not sure how likely this is, but I have always envisioned submission to be to one special dom. It would make me sick to think he went elsewhere to be satisfied.

I am curious to know the thoughts from the Master's viewpoint about monogamy.

ORIGINAL: novicecourtesan

It is easy to tell which males are interested in monogamy--it will be right there, in the profile, staring you in the face. If it is not, then that is not what that man seeks--plain and simple.

One suggestion that I'd make is reconsider your age range. Men aged 28-35 give or take a few years are more interested in another notch in the gunstock, and the tale to share with the buddies about conquest than a life long monagamous relationship. Though they may espouse monogamy, soon they are likely to look around and see a field of available women ten or more years younger and at that point you may become less desirable and then they are once again monogamous with a new woman. Men older then 35, especially those older than 40 have a different agenda. If you are the one ten or fifteen years younger, you will forever be "a younger woman," to him. In a sense you become immortal.

Older men tend to be far more attentive and sensitive to your needs. Older men cherish their younger wives, while younger men often take them for granted. Younger men watch their same aged wife turn old, older men with younger wives forever see them as younger even when they do "get old," as all humans are prone to do, eventually.

(in reply to novicecourtesan)

Post #: 24

RE: monogamy - 2/14/2007 2:08:29 AM

Focus50

Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: bandit25

Why the hostility? Who was reinventing the BDSM wheel? No one said that they didn't understand her...just that, perhaps, we may not want to be quite so narrow in our definitions. Chill.

Any hostility is entirely your perception - I rarely bury my posts in smiley faces, is all....

In a context of BDSM and the meaning of 'Master', a seemingly narrow definition works exceedingly well. I merely pointed out that, in this instance, broadening that context is what created the "confusion".

Now if this were a martial arts site, I doubt I'd be thinking or posting about slaves etc in the same sentence as 'Master' - am highly adaptable, don'tcha know....

And still I'm not hostile.... lol

Focus.

(in reply to bandit25)

Post #: 25

RE: monogamy - 2/14/2007 2:32:28 AM

bandit25

Posts: 3029
Joined: 6/18/2005
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No? My bad, then. Apparently I read a tone into your words that wasn't there. And perhaps, you are correct in that broadening the meaning of the word "Master" creates confusion, although I don't see why it should.

(in reply to Focus50)

Post #: 26

RE: monogamy - 2/14/2007 10:31:22 AM

dawntreader

Posts: 3045
Joined: 11/23/2006
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Sometimes monogamy can be overrated… when I stopped expecting one partner to meet all my needs; I discovered a joy in the diversity of “several” …
perhaps because I haven’t found “one” strong and diverse enough to hold me LOL, but for the moment polygamy works …

Although I realize this is not for everyone – took me awhile to get there myself…but when one is no longer encumbered with fairy tales like Cinderella and Snow White, you discover how much more fun the “bad” girls have !

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(in reply to eyesopened)

Post #: 27

RE: monogamy - 2/14/2007 4:50:38 PM

adaddysgirl

Posts: 1093
Joined: 3/2/2004
From: Syracuse, NY
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

And I can state the exact opposite. Not from Doms I *know*, but from ones I've talked to, on-line. Many seem to want either poly or an open relationship. And many of them seem to think they can change a girl's mind about how she feels and approaches relationships.

i have to agree with this. In looking for monogamy, i have found the majority of doms not necessarily to be poly, but to want to include others in the relationship at some point, in some aspect.

After starting that monogamy thread a while back, i realized how differently others define monogamy....so now i would be prone to asking what it meant to a potential partner so there is no misunderstanding down the road.

And right...i have had several say they wanted monogamy but then throw in the 'what if' (they wanted to include another at some time thing). And that is why it has now become so important for me to address this right at the beginning. Not into those kind of 'surprises'

DG

< Message edited by adaddysgirl -- 2/14/2007 4:51:04 PM >

(in reply to KatyLied)

Post #: 28

RE: monogamy - 2/14/2007 5:39:33 PM

adaddysgirl

Posts: 1093
Joined: 3/2/2004
From: Syracuse, NY
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: dawntreader

Sometimes monogamy can be overrated… when I stopped expecting one partner to meet all my needs; I discovered a joy in the diversity of “several” …
perhaps because I haven’t found “one” strong and diverse enough to hold me LOL, but for the moment polygamy works …

Although I realize this is not for everyone – took me awhile to get there myself…but when one is no longer encumbered with fairy tales like Cinderella and Snow White, you discover how much more fun the “bad” girls have !

i personally don't feel that monogamy is overrated. i don't say that a partner has to meet every need....that would seem kind of senseless. i have friends/family that meet other needs in addition to my partner....such as, i have female friends whose shoulder i can cry on at times when perhaps my partner (or any male) might have problems doing so only because they don't relate to a female on that level. i also have several people that i connect with on a mental level....great conversations....that i could also have with my partner but that offer different perspectives so again, they are an addition to what i have with my partner. So monogamy doesn't mean to me that one person fills every need....but i do look at it on a physical level as well.

i see no problem in eventually finding a partner that will meet all my sexual needs....and vice versa. Not every person has a need for let's say...sexual diversity. Some find it quite rewarding to take the journey of knowing one person in that aspect and sharing that exclusively with them.

And to imply that those 'encumbered with....fairy tales' have less 'fun than bad girls' is well.....kind of invalid in my eyes.

Of course....you are only expressing your opinion as i am as well.

DG

(in reply to dawntreader)

Post #: 29

RE: monogamy - 2/14/2007 6:17:47 PM

FukinTroll

Posts: 6277
Joined: 2/6/2007
From: Under a bridge
Status: offline

I just made a really nice bookcase out of monogamy. I stained it in a cheery finish and it is just special.

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Post #: 30

RE: monogamy - 2/14/2007 8:16:45 PM

dawntreader

Posts: 3045
Joined: 11/23/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: adaddysgirl

And to imply that those 'encumbered with....fairy tales' have less 'fun than bad girls' is well.....kind of invalid in my eyes.

Of course....you are only expressing your opinion as i am as well.

DG

Yes, I was only expressing my opinion …

< Message edited by dawntreader -- 2/14/2007 8:18:39 PM >

_____________________________

It is choice - not chance - that determines our destiny~
Jean Nidetch

There is a war going on for your mind...if you are thinking, you are winning~
Flobots

(in reply to adaddysgirl)

Post #: 31

RE: monogamy - 2/14/2007 8:24:31 PM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

Focus,

The rest of us are perverts and we DO speak the same language. ALL of us here twist and distort the English language by putting a positive spin on words like Master and slave so before you go prancing around on your hobby horse, you might remember that.

(in reply to Focus50)

Post #: 32

RE: monogamy - 2/15/2007 1:34:11 AM

Focus50

Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline

Awww, looky here - a personal attack/sermon replete with childish analogy from the reinvented crappydom.... *yawn*

So there I was extolling the virtues of keeping it simple - which most would find a *positive* step re communication or expressing opinions....

'Simply', yours truly gets to prance around on his hobby horse anytime he likes - best learn to suck it up, ay! *wink*

Focus.

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Post #: 33

RE: monogamy - 2/15/2007 7:04:23 AM

Valyraen

Posts: 746
Joined: 2/14/2007
Status: offline

Might as well give a response from the younger-male end of the dominant spectrum. At 22, I've been a dominant (that is, I finally accepted the fact that I AM a dom) for about eight to nine months now. To be perfectly honest, all I've ever wanted was monogamy, and even now I really don't have an interest in adding to my "harem." Hell, I barely have the energy to keep up with Aqua!

I was a vanilla soul until I met Aqua, and quickly discovered that I like doing to her a great many of the things that she likes having done to her. So, don't give up hope... there are monogamous dominants out there - you just might have to cajole them into it.

(in reply to Focus50)

Post #: 34

RE: monogamy - 2/15/2007 8:45:23 AM

adaddysgirl

Posts: 1093
Joined: 3/2/2004
From: Syracuse, NY
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Valyraen

Might as well give a response from the younger-male end of the dominant spectrum. At 22, I've been a dominant (that is, I finally accepted the fact that I AM a dom) for about eight to nine months now. To be perfectly honest, all I've ever wanted was monogamy, and even now I really don't have an interest in adding to my "harem." Hell, I barely have the energy to keep up with Aqua!

I was a vanilla soul until I met Aqua, and quickly discovered that I like doing to her a great many of the things that she likes having done to her. So, don't give up hope... there are monogamous dominants out there - you just might have to cajole them into it.

Wow...Aqua's other half? Well welcome aboard!

Daddysgirl

(in reply to Valyraen)

Post #: 35

RE: monogamy - 2/15/2007 8:51:35 AM

Stephann

Posts: 4214
Joined: 12/27/2006
From: Portland, OR
Status: offline

Valyraen,

I'll make a quick statement. I imagine you meant in jest, but the concept of cajoling a dominant (or submissive, switch, or any other type of person) into monogamy is a recipe for destruction. People can choose to be monogamous or poly, of course, even if they feel they are inherently something else in the same fashion that a heterosexual man could date another man, under certain circumstances. This does not mean the person in question will feel as fulfilled or content with that situation; but we don't always have 100% control over these situations.

I don't consider myself inherently monogamous. I am willing to engage in a monogamous relationship with certain women, though, so long as there is some give and take in the situation, because I abhor jealousy. I see jealousy at the heart of many failed monogamous relationships. Thus, I would seek a relationship with a woman who shares my views on jealousy. Unfortunately, the attitudes of most people I run into consider jealousy to be 'more' natural than polyarmory, and on par with a speeding ticket (while comparing cheating to be on par with armed robbery.)

And such. Take care,

Stephan

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Post #: 36

RE: monogamy - 2/15/2007 9:30:02 AM

Valyraen

Posts: 746
Joined: 2/14/2007
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Stephann,

Yes, I meant that last little bit in jest... and I wasn't referring to cajoling a dominant into monogamy, more helping the dominant to discover that he is, in fact, a dom.

To explain (hopefully) a little better: I was as vanilla as ice cream up until I met Aqua. The first time we were together, she took (as I now know her) a very big step and showed me her toy box. I grappled mentally with the thought of BDSM and how it made me feel for months into our relationship before I finally realized that I'm a dom. I've since accepted that and been much happier for it.

I wasn't suggesting that someone should be manipulated into a way of life that's not their own, by any means. Matter of fact, I shy away from even thinking that. I was simply suggesting that, to find a monogamous dom, the OP might have to look outside the BDSM community for a monogamous partner who hasn't realized him/herself to be a dominant yet. Thank you for pointing out that possible misunderstanding.

(in reply to Stephann)

Post #: 37

RE: monogamy - 2/15/2007 3:19:44 PM

SimplySubmissive

Posts: 216
Joined: 1/2/2004
Status: offline

I've had this monogamy discussion many times, with different groups of lifestyle people. I've been told by both Dominants and submissives that asking, expecting monogamy in a D/s relationship is just the submissive trying to control the Dominant, or trying to top from the bottom.. etc.. many people believe this. I found it shocking. Just because I am submissive, doesn't mean that I must share my partner. I don't like being made to feel less submissive, or less willing to please because monogamy in important to me. I think the famous, often heard line of "leaving the door open" for "someday" causes lots of problems. this is one area that it sooooo important to be honest and up front about expectations on both sides.

(in reply to adaddysgirl)

Post #: 38

RE: monogamy - 2/15/2007 4:20:16 PM

adaddysgirl

Posts: 1093
Joined: 3/2/2004
From: Syracuse, NY
Status: offline

Well for me, monogamy actually falls under the category of hard limits....so i make sure that is understood right at the beginning. And that is why i would only consider a partner who shared that same perspective.

A lot of subs discuss limits at the beginning....i do not see that as topping...i see it as a wise move when choosing a partner. Now if there's an agreement in place and the dom pushes it anyway....and when the sub refuses because that is not what she agreed to...i don't see that as topping either. But of course, some will use that excuse as a means of getting the sub to go along. Doesn't make it valid though.

Now if it wasn't determined at the beginning and the sub agreed to 'just obey'...period...well then, i might say something different. But that is not the same as agreeing to monogamy then being accused of topping when the dom tries to force something different. Just the way i see it anyway.

DG

(in reply to SimplySubmissive)

Post #: 39

RE: monogamy - 2/15/2007 4:35:53 PM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
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In New York it is not as likely, simply because of the numbers game, but it can be done.

What do I mean by that?

Let someone else interpret, but the bottom line is there is not as much leverage, because women outnumber men there, and a man that can hold a woman in a Master and slave relationship is not as common as actually professed.

Ron

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(in reply to novicecourtesan)

Post #: 40

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