Split in two... (Full Version)

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ladychatterley -> Split in two... (2/11/2007 10:11:44 PM)

I seem to be ridiculously reluctant to be in wiitwd.  It is where I feel whole, and complete, where I feel like I belong.  But I hate it.  My body will be ludicrously turned on, totally wet, even as my mind is running away as fast as I can and all I can seem to do is endure.  I seem to be so disconnected from my body that I'm not even aware that I'm wet until it is pointed out to me.  (I don’t have much history of sexual abuse, although that would be my first guess if I were analyzing me.)  I'm a pretty strong/stubborn person in many ways and spent over a decade avoiding wiitwd; I think while I've accepted it, I haven't truly embraced it.  But it is so much easier to say "accept yourself" than to actually accept one's self!

The man to whom I submit (and he is really the first person I've submitted to, but he's relatively experienced) said he hasn't seen this before.  I'm sure part of it is my undercurrent of Puritanism (with a little good feminist guilt thrown in).  Part of it is that we aren't all that well matched in terms of erotic tone/energy (I think he’d like Story of O more while I prefer the Beauty novels), but we have so many other things going for us that we are making a go of it.  But it seems to be much deeper than that.  I have just this almost chemical reaction that feels like depression to just being used.  Without the tenderness and warmth, I lose my enthusiasm and my ability to connect to joy though my entire life.  Even though tenderness and warmth don't physically turn me on much at all!  He gives me a great deal of tenderness and warmth, because he likes my enthusiasm, but it would be so much easier if I could learn to enjoy emotionally what I physically crave.  I have yet to experience 'subspace' expect in the realm of words.  I don't like the pain.  I hate the degradation, even if I physically embrace it.  I just want it go away, want to be comforted without the intensity.  I keep hoping some magic key will make me all of a sudden figure out how to emotionally enjoy what clearly turns my body on.

Has anyone else had any experiences along these lines?  Anything at all help?  Thank you!



SimplyMichael -> RE: Split in two... (2/11/2007 10:21:14 PM)

I hate the beauty serious and don't get it but here goes.

If what you want is a lover who torments you and he is a sadist who uses you, I would not be surprised that you feel as you do.

Since you are a deeply intelligent person and I assume fairly astute, you are going to sense if someone is faking warmth and affection.  There are those in the scene who thrive on a diet of sensations and need little else.  That sure doesn't work for me. 

I had similar problems from the other end and in my case that is why I ended up creating the daddy role I do now as a way to blend my need to be a sadist with my need to be nurting.

Bottom line, I think your disconnect isn't a "problem" to be overcome, I think it is a need that you must find a way to meet.



juliaoceania -> RE: Split in two... (2/11/2007 11:03:10 PM)

I  can tell you from personal experience that the nurturer and the sadist can exist in one skin. He can use me and then turn around and be so tender my heart skips a beat. Just my experience.

BTW, any feminist that challenges your right to live a self realizing life does not know what feminism is



ladychatterley -> RE: Split in two... (2/11/2007 11:08:54 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania
BTW, any feminist that challenges your right to live a self realizing life does not know what feminism is


As a feminist I agree--problem is the only feminist doing it was me.  I heard far more about the feminists trying to stop S&M from the S&M folks (NOW reneged on their anti S&M thing is the late 90s or early 00s) but I managed to do a little number on myself anyway. 


My master is very tender and not faking it. But he isn't tender at a lot of times, and he wants me to try and unravel this huge difficulty of how I can by physically turned on an emotionally deadened at the same time.  I'm not explaining it well.  But why doesn't my mind and emotions have any pleasure in what my body clearly craves?



happypervert -> RE: Split in two... (2/12/2007 7:04:18 AM)

Since you asked for "Anything at all help", I'll guess that it is the disconnect itself which physically turns you on. You mention you "spent over a decade avoiding wiitwd" and the possibility of social programming conditioning your mind's response, yet you are yielding to your desires anyway. Moth to a flame = wet between the legs.

There's no rule that says you have to like it or that you need to respond like anyone else, so I wouldn't worry about it as long as you continue doing it of your own free will. IMO, a perverse response to perverted acts may make you a bigger pervert than the rest of us, so maybe you deserve a merit badge!






Celeste43 -> RE: Split in two... (2/12/2007 7:13:53 AM)

This may seem to be a foolish question, but have you tried role play. See, if it wasn't you being degraded but some other woman wearing a costume you don't normally wear, and being called by another name, it might be easier to accept. You aren't a cheerleader named Heather,  but if he called you by that while you were wearing a cheerleader outfit, then you might have less trouble. Try it and see.



MasterFireMaam -> RE: Split in two... (2/12/2007 8:11:00 AM)

Many people deal with guilt and emotional masochism. There's not a whole lot we can do to help you integrate these dualities in yourself. But, I'd suggest starting to delve into your psyche and see if you can locate the source of this split. Why are you denying yourself? Why is this wrong? When you figure it out, you can begin to reprogram yourself. Years of conditioning will take time to sort out. Have compassion for yourself.

Master Fire



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Split in two... (2/12/2007 8:13:59 AM)

I'd say give it time more than anything.  See how your mind rolls things around in the next few months.



crouchingtigress -> RE: Split in two... (2/12/2007 8:34:29 AM)

this too shall pass.

its true, if you put in a dedicated effort to moving beyond your social conditioning, with tools such as NLP, inner delving, surrounding yourself with like minded folks, talking about it freely with your partner, and focusing on the positive instead of the guilt you will move through this fairly quickly.

if you continue to focus on it as a split of yourself, and that you are powerless to shift it, and continue to link it in your mind to puritanicalism and feminism degradation and depression your journey will move more slowly....

my advice is to take the last four words purtanicalism, feminism degradation and depression and write a long essay about each one...these words seem to be trigger words for you, meaning: you have given them power over you.

by writing at length about them you will begin to understand the power you have given them and you will know also what is true for you, and what is part of old outdated mental programing that you may have inadvertently picked up from your social conditioning along your life.

but make no mistake, you are making the decision to disconnect from your lover, to create pain and fear in your dynamic that he then needs to nurture you for and to pain about, and you can always choose something more mutually beneficial when ever you want.



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