powerandcontrol
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Joined: 3/8/2005
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It seems that there is endless discussion on most aspects of d/s, but not as much in my view on the real basics. Below is taken from my aol profile webpage, at least one part of it. I am hopeful that many of you here find it of interest. It was taking from a d/s discussion I hosted last year:
Everything you really need to know about d/s...in 10 minutes
First step...defining what the heck it is...so I'll use my own defintion (of course), and that is, "d/s is a psycho-sexual set of behaviors that allows us to to reach a primal state of raw passion without the confines of society, religion, convention, current morals, or other "artificial" confines."
The goal is to reach a primal core, where each is essentially selfish in their needs and desires. It is NOT equal. it is NOT lovemaking specifically. It IS SYMBIOTIC, with each getting fulfilled in different ways. Now, many may have a different definition, and that is fine, but for our purposes in this 10 quickie segment, the rest of this is based on mine.
Second step is to determine exactly where one wants to go. The easiest way I've found to bring this out in others is to ask them what their best, darkest, most exciting fantasies are. By focusing on those, we get to see what that person believes THEIR primal state would be like, and what would trigger it.
It's true that it changes, grows, modifies, but everyone starts somewhere. For newbies, it will likely be different than those with experience, but The PROCESS is the same, irrespective of the experience level.
Third step is to see (if you are the dominant) if you can in fact, deliver on those fantasies or at least parts of it, because if you can't 'match' the rest is pretty damned useless, and MATCHING up interests is KEY.
I could have 30 years exp, and NOT match up with some's desires, (wait...I DO have 30 years exp...hehe...), but seriously, my interests may simply not be in that other persons, and if so, it is a mis-match.
Now, back to the dominants for a moment, although most of this is 'directed' toward the submissive. For the dominants, again, the PROCESS is the same. It is an exploration of what drives you, what turns you on, and matching it.
For me, it's far far less about a specific "thing" than the look in someone's eyes as they melt away....the yielding of their spirit/soul if you will....the 'consent' they have given me and therefor the power/control I have.
So, dominants, KNOW THYSELF, and the same concepts apply. Experience doesn't guarantee success, but it does help a bit.
Fourth step is to allow yourself the possibility that it won't work as well as you hope, and deal with it. If you expect perfection or 'prince charming' you are delusional, (after all..I can't get to everyone!). Move on. Learn from it, and go forward.
Next step is to be honest about what you want and expect. If you can't articulate it, you can't get it, and you can't bitch about NOT getting it because people can't read minds. There is nothing wrong with having suggestions made, and modifications to those desires, but the BASICS have to be there. As an example, someone who wants to feel pain, may not know some ways to achieve it, until it comes up in conversation, hence, keep an OPEN MIND. Also, if you tell someone what you want, it's not cricket to then decide in the middle you don't want it, and blame someone for not knowing in advance. Bottom line: Play fair - be honest, in all respects.
Next is to make sure you know the difference between what you seek that is vanilla, and what isn't. This is where communication is vital. If you expect to be wined and dined (that part leaves me out till the SECOND or THIRD meeting...hehe), then make sure the other person knows you are seeking a 'dating' situation as much as a d/s one. "Dating, is NOT d/s in my view, although it can be after the relationship is established.
D/s is about getting inside the mind. Getting to a primal state, which, above all means being honest about yourself. if you can't vocalize what those fantasies you can't achieve them. Now, the hard part is pulling out the deep dark side from within, because we usually arrive at this with vanilla concepts. An example would be a violent rape. It might seem appealing to you (consentual). But you may have great difficulty in vocalizing that you would love someone to be that brutal with you in this context. Once you can articulate desires at least to yourself, the groundwork is laid, then you have a basis to begin looking for someone with the exp to communicate it, build trust, and bring it out.
There is endless converation about definitions. It can't be a 'rape' if its consentual; you can't be this if it's that, etc. What my experience has taught me is that in the realm of d/s - heck in any realm, there are almost no rules, because rules depend on definitions, and there is virtually NO consensus on definitions. Instead try to find out the meaning behind the words of the person YOU are communicating with. it's why I personally spend a lot of time on this in conversation., so that I'm on the same page as the other person. THAT is the essence of communication, not necessarily agreement, but understanding.
Now, when you have gotten that far, jump in. Forget about safe-calls, places, food, clothes, SWAT teams, etc. Remember, at the heart of it, it's an encounter of two people who want to physically get to know each other, in part, BECAUSE they have already had extensive communication, (and if you haven't, you've no business moving that fast). FEAR is the killer. If you are afraid (some because of all the damned "rules" they see here online), it won't happen or feel so unnatural by those rules that it will BE unnatural. And, surprisingly, when the communication is there, this all works well AND naturally.
This doesn't mean you have to take risks, at least no greater than the risk you have in 'going out' with someone you met at a bar, work, etc. But all of life is about risk, and no one says you shouldn't take precautions. Know who you will meet and verify it, but don't get damned paranoid. It will ultimately prevent you from getting where you want to go.
So, there you have it....all the basics about d/s you need to know. NOTICE...I never once discussed techniques, styles, types, limits, fetishes, or any other crap, because when you are establishing a RELATIONSHIP, that comes out in the PROCESS, and you will know whether it fits or not. Plus you can ALWAYS modify your interests as you are exposed to more.
Now, in my view, the above has pretty much all you need to know to get things going. The rest is literally, technicalites. Try not to get bogged down in them.
I hope this has helped.... d
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d/s in 10 minutes (semi-tongue in cheek) - 
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