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Can a Dom(me) have low self esteem? - 3/12/2005 12:24:16 PM   
GreyStorm


Posts: 423
Joined: 1/26/2005
From: Cheeseheadland
Status: offline 		I'm talking about looks here. Having a personality is a different matter to me. I know they can have an issue with their looks but does it make them less Domly, if that is a word.

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RE: Can a Dom(me) have low self esteem? - 3/12/2005 12:43:18 PM   
LadyAngelika


Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline 		Can you explain your question a little more please? I'm not sure I understand it.

If I just take the question in the header "Can a Dom(me) have low self esteem?", I'd say "yes" definitely.

Based on personal observations and discussions with others that do WIITWD, I believe that a great deal of people (I’m not saying all, I’m not even saying most, I’m just saying a lot) who take on a Dominant role do indeed have low self-esteem and they dominate out of insecurity.

I’m not sure how you are relating this to looks however. I think it’s all part of the whole package.

- LA

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Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

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RE: Can a Dom(me) have low self esteem? - 3/12/2005 12:59:07 PM   
BeachMystress


Posts: 2156
Joined: 4/3/2004
From: Naples Island- Long Beach CA - Southern California
Status: offline
I feel everyone is human, and that fact doesn't interfere with being Dominant. What you consider having an issue with their looks, may simply be facing reality in their eyes. Knowing your good and bad sides is not having low self esteem. This person may just understand what is the accepted norm (Madison Ave) of beautiful and know how she differs from it. Being aware that you have a crooked nose, short neck or whatever doesn't mean it makes you feel less worthwhile because of it. Awareness doesn't equal shame. I have a slight bump in my nose. It is not within the norm for beauty. When I had a deviated septum fixed, I refused having the hump flattened, even though the Dr pressed pretty hard. It is MY bump. It may not be beautiful to some people, but it is mine. It helps keep my glasses in place. No one else has a nose quite like mine. What others think of my nose doesn't matter to me. I'd laugh at someone who suggested I have it fixed (as I did at the surgeon.) Because I am aware I have a physical flaw in some people's eyes, do you think I have low self esteem? If you do, you're welcome to kiss my butt. LOL

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Beach Mystress
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RE: Can a Dom(me) have low self esteem? - 3/12/2005 1:05:41 PM   
BlkTallFullfig


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Joined: 6/25/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: GreyStorm
I know they can have an issue with their looks but does it make them less Domly, if that is a word.

I'm not sure I follow, but will take a stab...
I think everyone has insecurities about something.
Yes Dom/mes can have self esteem issues, just as subs can; I don't think being dominant=self confidence 100% of the time, or I would tend to think of that type of Dom/me who knows/is all as more of as a**, than a decent human being who's capable of growth/learning.

Looks: I was chatting with a psychiatrist once (later friend) who asked if I was self conscious about my weight; I told him, yes sometimes I am, but I understand I'm God's creation, and am pretty good for being imperfect; I asked him didn't he have insecurities? He said yes he hated his big head and his big ears ever since he was young, in addition to being on the short side, and not especially handsome.
The point to me is, the sooner everyone learns to do the best he or she can to love/accept self and others, the better we will become (maybe have more time with friends than at home obsessing about imperfections and making self worse with more food or more neurotic thinking).
Just my $.02..... M

< Message edited by BlkTallFullfig -- 3/13/2005 1:44:48 PM >

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RE: Can a Dom(me) have low self esteem? - 3/12/2005 1:19:58 PM   
LadyAngelika


Posts: 8070
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quote:

It is MY bump. It may not be beautiful to some people, but it is mine.


I always thought it was little "imperfections" that distinguished one person from another and often gave them their charm. Perfection is actually unattractive to me.

- LA

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Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

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RE: Can a Dom(me) have low self esteem? - 3/12/2005 6:11:02 PM   
nella


Posts: 1243
Joined: 12/30/2004
From: Norway
Status: offline 		Offcopurse somone that dont think they are butiful can be a Domina, why not?

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RE: Can a Dom(me) have low self esteem? - 3/13/2005 4:46:09 AM   
ScooterTrash


Posts: 1407
Joined: 1/24/2005
From: Indiana
Status: offline 		Hmmm..without specifics this could be a tough question. I would have to agree, in part anyway, that it's not necessarily a self esteem issue. It may be more as suggested that it's an acceptance of one's self issue. I could see I guess where it could be a combination of both perhaps if the "look" was in some way the opposite of the role, such as if the Dominant's appearance was frail and weak while the sub/slave was liken to Hercules (or a female bodybuilder type). But then again..wouldn't that be simply a challenge to overcome. My co-Dominant's male sub is 6' 5" while she is a mere 5' 2", does she have an esteem or control issue, OMG no. She can have her sub doing anything and everything she wants with nothing more than a glance...lol, obviously her appearance does not affect her Dominance. As well, I can appear as a mean-ass biker (hmmm), does that make the role of Dominant easier, perhaps initially, but long term it's not the looks, it's the manner in which you project yourself and the actions that follow. I think too much emphasis is put on looks, you do not have to look the part, you have to be the part and it has to be the real you. So perhaps, whatever the issue is, you simply have to get past it and not be concerned. If in fact you are Dominant, it will come out and you will build confidence off of your submissive. I hope this made sense (smiles).


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RE: Can a Dom(me) have low self esteem? - 3/13/2005 7:12:21 AM   
nella


Posts: 1243
Joined: 12/30/2004
From: Norway
Status: offline 		i have seen woman that are downright ugly, that have an aura of autority aboute them, it is that aura that is inportant. Besides, everyone can look good if they just find the right clotes and stuff to make them look good.

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RE: Can a Dom(me) have low self esteem? - 3/13/2005 9:14:32 AM   
EmeraldSlave2


Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: GreyStorm

I'm talking about looks here. Having a personality is a different matter to me. I know they can have an issue with their looks but does it make them less Domly, if that is a word.

Simply put, yes. Most humans have insecurities and sensitive spots of low self esteem, dominants included.

However, no one can be in an effective relationship of ANY kind if their points of self-esteem make them unable to form a secure bond with someone else.

(in reply to GreyStorm)
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RE: Can a Dom(me) have low self esteem? - 3/13/2005 9:28:56 AM   
onceburned


Posts: 2117
Joined: 1/4/2005
From: Iowa
Status: offline 		EmeraldSlave2 mentions something that concerns me - that the dom/me could have issues of inferiority or jealousy that they try to compensate for by using D/s. But assuming that anyone with such problems would be unable to form a secure non-D/s relationship perhaps it is not a problem... assuming we take the time to know our partners first.

In a vanilla relationship I would think that both partners would try to help one another with their minor self-esteem issues (if they have any). Would this also be true in D/s - that the sub would try to help their dom/me overcome any self-esteem problems?

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RE: Can a Dom(me) have low self esteem? - 3/13/2005 9:57:50 AM   
MrThorns


Posts: 919
Joined: 6/4/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: GreyStorm

I'm talking about looks here. Having a personality is a different matter to me. I know they can have an issue with their looks but does it make them less Domly, if that is a word.


Dominants are people and have the same insecurities as anybody else. I think a dominant who is able to express that they have an insecurity about something (Not just looks...but anything) makes them more human...not less "Domly". I think it takes a good deal of courage to express an insecurity, especially to one's own submissive. It also shows that they know themselves and value the honesty and communication within the relationship.

~Thorns



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RE: Can a Dom(me) have low self esteem? - 3/13/2005 10:58:11 AM   
LadyAngelika


Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: onceburned
In a vanilla relationship I would think that both partners would try to help one another with their minor self-esteem issues (if they have any). Would this also be true in D/s - that the sub would try to help their dom/me overcome any self-esteem problems?


chris! Your view of the world is highly functional! ;)

All jokes aside, I think that the underlying dynamics of *helping each other work issues out* is the same in a D/s relationship as it is in a vanilla relationship.

As Thorns mentions however, it does take courage to express our weaknesses to submissives. For many submissives, it's scary for them to see a weakness in their Dom/me. That has never stopped me however. I figure if they can't take me as I am, weakness and all, then they can keep looking for the perfect woman until they realise that she doesn't exist.

- LA

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Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

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RE: Can a Dom(me) have low self esteem? - 3/17/2005 11:15:57 AM   
paganpet


Posts: 7
Joined: 12/29/2004
Status: offline 		I am not quite sure I understand your question. Do you mean is it possible for a Dom to be insecure about his appearance? I would say absolutely.

I have known plenty of "Doms" who were incredibly insecure. In fact, I have fond memories of telling one particular one that he was "nothing more than an insecure middle aged man hiding behind a facade of dominance."

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RE: Can a Dom(me) have low self esteem? - 3/17/2005 12:27:40 PM   
LadyShiloh


Posts: 8
Joined: 11/19/2004
From: Ohio, USA
Status: offline 		Like the others, I'm not exactly sure what you're asking about, but I'm going to take a stab at it as well.

I'm a a Domme who was very insecure about her looks. I was a very large woman. 5'1" and over 300 lbs. There were few subs that would approach me, and I was loath to impose myself on someone who did not come close and show interest. That did not make me any less Dominant in my personality. I am what I am. I can't change that, only suppress it if I try. I learned through hard work, perserverance and self will that appearance was not what most male subs were looking for, and I began to learn to look past my looks to the TYPE of person, and the type of Dominant I am. But that took time. I still consider myself very "plain" even though I've lost a great deal of weight (over 100 lbs). My sub/fiance says I'm beautiful, and even one of his co-workers says I look like I could model for doll makers. I find it hard to believe, but I accept that that is what THEY see in me.

Yes, I still struggle with this insecurity, but I don't let it effect who and what I am. I am a Domina and always will be. I consider myself an ordinary woman with a Dominant personality, but with many of the same insecurities that other women my age, race, profession, religion, and/or creed have. I am what I am. Accept me, just as I'll accept you with all your insecurites as well.

Lady Shiloh~

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RE: Can a Dom(me) have low self esteem? - 3/17/2005 12:45:09 PM   
ruffnecksbabygir


Posts: 412
Joined: 1/4/2005
Status: offline 		My opinion in regards to low self esteem in a dom is based on my own experience. My former Master had serious self esteem issues, althought he came across as the most confident man to walk on the planer, which was what attracted me to him, but through his outrageous jealous spasms and his infinite desire to control the air i breathed solely because it might distract me from him was what in the end drove me far away from him. He was much older than myself and perhaps that was the basis for his issues...who knows...my $0.02 on this is, if you are a dom it would benefit your relationship greatly if you are confident and secure of yourself. It just makes all the difference in the world, to me at least. : )

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~hugs~
Babygirl

:Disclaimer: The above is only this slave's opinion:

"And Those Who Danced Were Thought To Be Quite Insane By Those Who Could Not Hear The Music" -- Angela Monet

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RE: Can a Dom(me) have low self esteem? - 3/18/2005 11:29:34 AM   
GingerleeDREAD


Posts: 103
Joined: 2/27/2005
Status: offline 		GreyStorm
I can tell You of a time that I had to deal with low self esteem.
(allthough this time was short and sweet... THANK JAH!! )
It had nothing to do with My looks however as I have always
been comfortable with being the Woman that I am. And no I am
not Your perfect 36 24 36, blond bombshell with blue eyes,
however I am a Black haired green eyed perfect 48 38 50! ~wink~

It was right after My second Poly Dominant Husband had passed away
( which was within two years of My First Poly Dominant Husbands passing.)
I was very unsure of My self and of My Dominance and it was a very
hard time in My life for Me for I questioned My very exsistance as a Mistress
and Dominant Person and My ability to control the whole of that which three
Dominant Persons had controlled pryor. My self esteem was shot on ALL levels!
I seemed to find fault in everything I did and felt afraid that I could not fill
the shoes of the Men in My Life in Their absence much less take control of
My Husbands responcibilities of Their posessions. I had the feelings of defeat,
But at this time it was My Own property, yes My Own slaves that helped Me
gain back My self esteem and showed Me that I could do for any what
I did for them and helped Me back to being the Dominant Power that I
had been in their lifes befor My self percieved loss. Self esteem covers many
aspects of a person and not just how they look physically but how they look
emotionally and mentally as well and how One handles such issues to a positive
end. Just a Dominants Personal Opinion.

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RE: Can a Dom(me) have low self esteem? - 3/18/2005 11:33:57 AM   
GingerleeDREAD


Posts: 103
Joined: 2/27/2005
Status: offline 		OH MY JAAHHHH THORNS!!!
I SEEEEEEE YOU FINALLY!!!

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RE: Can a Dom(me) have low self esteem? - 3/19/2005 5:59:39 PM   
BlkTallFullfig


Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: GreyStorm
I'm talking about looks here. I know they can have an issue with their looks but does it make them less Domly, if that is a word.

Hey Mr among the missing Greystorm,
how about a response or reaction to the responses on your thread? M

< Message edited by BlkTallFullfig -- 3/19/2005 6:01:04 PM >

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""Touching was, and still is, and will always be, the true revolution" Nikki Giovanni

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