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RE: Training for Dominants - 2/14/2007 11:58:09 AM   
MsOpal


Posts: 244
Joined: 8/31/2006
Status: offline 		HI,
I'm going to ansewr for both Argent and myself.

Argent has always been and always will be a dominant personality. Not a bully or a boor, just sort of a take command sort of guy - odd though, he does not like to be in charge in the workplace.  he likes to ahve clear assignments and then he sets his goals and wants to be left alone mostly to get it done.  But in relationships he has always been more comfortable if he is in charge.  he has always done our finances and bookkeeping, he drives, he had always taken care of me.  Now, once we made the dive into real Ds- bdsm we both wanted to learn the hows and whats, so we began attending group events, going to seminars, asking questions, reading stuff.  We have both had and continue to ahve people we consider mentors in both roles.  While I am submissive to him and happily so, over the last decade I have discovered some latent dominant-sadist traits in myself.  I have the chance to learn from the bottom up as well as having some womderful friends I can and do go to for questions and advice when I need to - including Argent himself!
MsOpal

(in reply to DomKen)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Training for Dominants - 2/14/2007 2:07:47 PM   
sugarcandy


Posts: 96
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: topcat

For me, it's literally been the work of a lifetime.
 
And most important, a few wonderful women who reacted positively, gave positive feedback, forgave my mistakes, critiqued my experiments, and generally taught me that it was OK for me to be who I was.
 


That is soo sweet!

I wish more would give and share all that - both dominants and submissives.

(in reply to topcat)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Training for Dominants - 2/14/2007 2:57:55 PM   
topcat


Posts: 1675
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Tidewater, VA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sugarcandy

quote:

ORIGINAL: topcat

For me, it's literally been the work of a lifetime.
 
And most important, a few wonderful women who reacted positively, gave positive feedback, forgave my mistakes, critiqued my experiments, and generally taught me that it was OK for me to be who I was.
 


That is soo sweet!

I wish more would give and share all that - both dominants and submissives.


Dear SC-
 
Well, it's true- I owe way more to the girl that said 'do it again? Harder?' when I gave her a tenative slap on the ass, then to anyone one that told me 'posture, distance, rhythm are the keys to flogging...'
 
Stay warm,
Lawrence

_____________________________

-there is no remission without blood-

(in reply to sugarcandy)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Training for Dominants - 2/14/2007 3:28:03 PM   
softcoresicko


Posts: 41
Joined: 1/11/2007
Status: offline 		This is a fascinating topic, and it's quite interesting to hear all the many and varied stories of how everyone reached the point they are at in their lives.  As someone in much the same position as the original poster (in terms of experience, if not necessarily desired relationship), it's been helpful hearing the many routes of getting into the lifestyle.

(in reply to topcat)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Training for Dominants - 2/14/2007 3:37:24 PM   
DiurnalVampire


Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		I learned from my next door neighbor in college. She was a domme, in th elifestyle for a few years before she and I met. We were close friends and she watched me go through a few disasterous relaitonships, and thought that perhaps the problem wasnt just the men, but the type of men I had been with. She asked me to baby sit her 2 slaves while she had to run across campus. They had chores to finish and she had instructed them to "thank" me properly after they finished their chores. I had my first manicure and pedicure from her 2 collared and half naked boys...
I was interested and it felt natural to me, so she involved me with more and more of her lifestyle friends.  At 18, I was pretty immersed, and it just becasme a normal part of my dating. Ive been involved on and off since then, around vanilla relationships, and I have decided this is where I belong.

DV

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to domiguy)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Training for Dominants - 2/14/2007 3:46:38 PM   
SDFemDom4cuck


Posts: 2809
Joined: 5/23/2005
From: P'burgh PA
Status: offline 		I pretty much was simply born this way. Every relationship I've had in life has had some D/s or cuckolding aspect to it even before I knew there were 'labels" for it all. As I matured I was lucky enough to encounter some very enlightened individuals very early on that introduced me to other things that interested me. Whether they recognized a part of themselves in me and wanted to help in my growth I don't know but I'm appreciative for everything they taught me over the years. Everything else has come from networking with others within my various interest groups, experimentation, feedback or classes. Although at barely 5'3 I still can't seem to get a handle on weilding a 6ft bullwhip well!

_____________________________

Ms Jo

She dealt her pretty words like Blades -
How glittering they shone -
And every One unbared a Nerve
Or wantoned with a Bone -

I want a sensitive man - one who'll cry when I hit him.

(in reply to DominaSmartass)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Training for Dominants - 2/14/2007 3:50:02 PM   
mistressofpayne


Posts: 5
Joined: 12/19/2006
Status: offline 		Ha ha i am a Registered nurse and spent 10 years in A&E in London - thats where i got most of my training!

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Training for Dominants - 2/14/2007 5:18:20 PM   
Archer


Posts: 3207
Joined: 3/11/2005
Status: offline 		While I have a natural leaning towards being the one in charge of a relationship, I was socialized away from it, and had to rediscover it later. That natural tendancy made me dominant to an extent, but if that is where you stop then I think you are short changing yourself. Just as professional athletes have more talent than their coaches, they still refine and learn how to harness that talent, through coaching and reading and discussing the skills amoung other like folks.

My own learning started with the talent and then moved to observing how some of the most respected local Dominants interacted both in scene and out with their charges, while reading several of the mainstay books of the mid 90's.
(after hearing about a munch and getting connected to part of the local scene.)

I asked questions when I didn't "get it" right away, and confirmed my thoughts about the how why when etc, by asking questions as well. One day one of the Dominants said your learning is going to slow down unless you start doing some of this stuff (physical Topping Skills) and set me up to play with a single experienced bottom who taught me alot by constructive topping from the bottom. Meanwhile I also was occassionally acting in a service capacity for a Domme, mostly escorting to and from car, club, etc kinda apprentice stuff.

Eventually I started going to Leather Conferences, and Widened my observation of people who were highly skilled and or successfull in long term D/s relationships, widened my reading material, and such. Instead of a single mentor I ended up with several part time mentors and a community of more experienced Dominants who were comfortable giving me their outsider viewpoints of what I was doing and what I might want to look at changing.

I still attend events and classes, I still maintain memberships in several groups and I am always widening my pool of people I observe and ask questions.



(in reply to mistressofpayne)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Training for Dominants - 2/14/2007 5:59:49 PM   
PsyVamp


Posts: 1026
Joined: 10/30/2006
Status: offline 		Thanks for the tip, I know a few who may be interested....

Psy

_____________________________

Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive. .
Could a blue screen of death constitute being defenestrated?
~Owner of wolf~ (one of them, anyway)

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Training for Dominants - 2/14/2007 8:17:28 PM   
LadyHugs


Posts: 2299
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Dear DominaSmartass, Ladies and Gentlemen;
 
I started overseas, due to being a military dependent and started in my salad days of the lifestyle in the early 1970's.  My first steps as a slave and phased into Master.  My Masters and my fellow slaves in summary gave me much knowledge and experiences in the 'service' and 'skills.'  I became Final Leather and passed my peer's judgment as to be deemed Master.  I was publicly invested and received my vest, cover and flogger.  I returned to the USA and merged into the Leather community, adding a bit more to my experiences and adjust to the American style of the Leather culture and M/s philosophies.  I was invested again publicly at The Baltimore Eagle, as well as pinned.  I was voted unanimously as the first woman to be associated with the International Trident's - Baltimore, MD Chapter.  I also was a presenter for a well known early Title holder in the Gay Leather community (who was also there at MAL), at his Leather Balls in DC, with thousands in attendance.  There, I met so many other wonderful Masters and slaves, finding many in a long lasting friendship.  And,
you know one of them as he is our mutual friend from NY.  Attending MAL, its also a wonderful gathering to meet old and new friends.
 
I was 'called' into a faculty position, taking a spot where my dear and long term friend had taught for several years.  (This person met the President of Baltimore Chapter of Tridents that verified my investiture and connections, in addition is well known on his own right); I accepted the position of Faculty with Master Taino's Training Academy; but resigned when I started struggling as a care provider, as a parent perished a day prior to when my class was to start.  So, my tenure at the Academy was known to be short with Master Taino's understanding and prior knowledge.  I also hold a position with Master Tallen's Leather Corps, at the rank of Major (Honorary Legion) which is dedicated to education. In addition, I still have membership with CUFF, ClubFEM-Virginia Chapter (Female Dominant/male submission); The-Crucible; RECON member (M/s list) as well as other organizations.
 
I have had slaves and lived the lifestyle.  I credit and have dedicated my written work in 1997 to my former slaves and a few Masters who urged me to write down what would become certified and registered with the US Library of Congress. But, living as a Master and slave teaches so much where words fail.  I also credit riding, driving, showing, training horses as well as judging was a wonderful help in the art of D/s.  My rodeo days in trick/target whip work astride and on the floor, riding hunters, jumpers, dressage, side saddle, western riding, cutting and penning added to it.  I also gave driving and riding instruction, which I enjoyed teaching. As well as shooting revolvers, semi-automatics, rifles and shotguns also helped.  Being military and para-military, martial arts, the legal field and working with and in the courts, added to the D/s experience as each have the exchange of power and or authority and submission and or compliance.
 
Each person one meets will teach you something new and or reaffirm something you've known, regardless of Dominant or slave.  If one opens their minds and eyes, listen and or ask questions--there will be something taught.  This is done with MAL (Mid-Atlantic Leather conferences); Master-slave conferences and Leather Library & Archives to which I've added to it myself, as have others.
 
I also will add, that Master Taino and Master Tallen do have a Collarme.com account respectively.  I do recommend though, to visit the web site and read the more extensive information there, in regard to Master Taino's Training Academy. 
 
Master Tallen, is invaluable to Master Taino and a very amazing man and friend.  Master Tallen and his former slave andrew created the M/s and or D/s flag.  It has taken off very nicely.  The M/s and or D/s flag is explained much more fully on www.mastertallen.com and go to the Flag button and then you will have it.  The M/s and or D/s pride flag was introduced at the 2005 Master-slave conference in Washington, DC and Master Taino has reference to the flag as well.

Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs
 
 
 
 

< Message edited by LadyHugs -- 2/14/2007 8:33:16 PM >

(in reply to DominaSmartass)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Training for Dominants - 2/14/2007 8:27:06 PM   
MaryT


Posts: 553
Joined: 12/8/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHugs
I started overseas, due to being a military dependent and started in my salad days of the lifestyle in the early 1970's.  My first steps as a slave and phased into Master.  My Masters and my fellow slaves in summary gave me much knowledge and experiences in the 'service' and 'skills.'  I became Final Leather and passed my peer's judgment as to be deemed Master.  I was publicly invested and received my vest, cover and flogger. 


If you don't mind my asking, LadyHugs, where were you?

quote:

Each person one meets will teach you something new and or reaffirm something you've known, regardless of Dominant or slave.  If one opens their minds and eyes, listen and or ask questions--there will be something taught.


I notice that even in "vanilla" relationships I'm seeing a lot about how other people act and, more importantly, how I react to them that has every to do with power exchanges, how I've view them and how my view point is changing.

MaryT

(in reply to LadyHugs)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Training for Dominants - 2/14/2007 8:39:05 PM   
DominaSmartass


Posts: 961
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: This month? Maryland
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: goodpet

Check out:
MAsT meetings (www.mast.net/chapters/philly/index.htm)
DCleatherFest (www.dcleatherfest.org)
Master Taino’s Training Academy (www.Masterslavetraining.org)
Master slave Conference (www.masterslaveconference.org)


As a submissive, I cannot begin to tell you how many wonderful Doms and Masters attend these events and trainings. At the Academy it ranges from beginners to long time established Doms attending (but it does leans towards the newer Doms).

It is not just about attending or getting training, it is also about community and becoming part of the larger group, finding friends and support. And networking. The more you establish yourself as a respected Dom, the more others are apt to invite you to private functions, introduce you to subs, and widen your potential opportunity in finding the right partner.

Goodluck



:) Have you read my profile? You're preaching to the choir, but thanks. Actually I met my (fill in the blank) at a MAsT meeting 6 months ago and we've been together ever since. In real life I have no problem finding people who advocate mentorship and active *learning* for people of the dominant orientation but what my original post was addressing was the seeming (IMO) lack of acknowledgement online that doms, not only subs, can benefit from "training" (and I use that word loosely.)

_____________________________

“These S&M people ... they are bossy! There’s also a creepy connection between leather sex, ‘Star Trek’ and the Renaissance Faire.”

- Comedian Margaret Cho

(in reply to goodpet)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Training for Dominants - 2/14/2007 8:39:43 PM   
LadyHugs


Posts: 2299
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Dear MaryT, Ladies and Gentlemen;
 
I'm in Northern Virginia, and rather close to Washington, DC and Master Taino's Training Academy in Virginia.
 
And, correctly so -- even in 'vanilla' interactions you can pick up on the power exchanges.  It is my opinion, that D/s, M/s, BDSM have 'trained' our eyes to pick up on such.  It then can be used in business, in court, in any situation really.
 
Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs

(in reply to MaryT)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Training for Dominants - 2/14/2007 8:51:18 PM   
LotusSong


Posts: 6334
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Domme Emeritus
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DominaSmartass

So much has been written about training subs yet all the doms who talk endlessly about "training" seem to have just been born magically one day knowing all the right answers. In reality, who "trained" you? Did you start off as a submissive yourself and learn from the bottom up? Did a more experienced dominant teach you their philosophies? Did you read every book you could get your hands on? Did you learn everything you know from chatrooms and websites? I'm really curious because I am a young dominant and still know that I have so much to learn even though I am well in touch with my true nature...now the challenge is learning how to best express it and present it. I talked about this before in the thread on "what are you working on improving" I think it was.

Obviously knowing you are a dom, a sadist, or any other identity is not enough. We have to have role models, people to train us even. Yet, I don't see nearly enough of this being talked about and sometimes feel as if I'm the only one who didn't pop out of the womb knowing how to reach into a submissive's heart and mold it to my liking or all that other shmoopy stuff that gets tossed around.

I read two books and learned the most from my experienced slave.



_____________________________

Life Lesson #1

I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.


(in reply to DominaSmartass)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Training for Dominants - 2/14/2007 8:53:53 PM   
MinofSin


Posts: 25
Joined: 9/18/2005
Status: offline 		I was mentored and trained by a Dominant local to the scene here, who demonstrated things from a practical basis and also had me read a lot of stuff.  It was almost like going to school, and it was good experience.  Naturally, as entered into relationships, I learned more with each person I was involved with.  All of it, good stuff.

(in reply to DominaSmartass)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Training for Dominants - 2/14/2007 8:58:51 PM   
DominaSmartass


Posts: 961
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: This month? Maryland
Status: offline 		Thanks for such a nice response. See, sometimes it's nice when you don't just post links to past threads!

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross
Again, subs tend to flee from anything they see as weakness- a novice dom is a thing to be approached slowly and with hesitation, and only if there is a lot of emotional connection already in place.  That's just how things work in the scene- and it's too bad. 


I have solidly identified outwardly as dominant for a little over a year, maybe year and a half now. Before that I was learning to top but didn't really feel "it" in myself, not that I do 100% now either, but much more so than before. Oddly enough, as a novice dom (which I consider myself still in the grand scheme of things) I have not had too many bad experiences with subs fleeing due to my inexperience. On the contrary, I've gotten lots of age fetishists who think it would just be dandy to "be controlled and used by someone so much younger." Well, I'm not really into being the object of someone else's fetish so those people never got far.

Now that I'm in my first serious relationship as the dominant partner, I have experienced the problem of my relative inexperience for the first time. I "wear the pants" in the relationship so to speak, but he is not my sub or slave in any official terms and has made it clear that he couldn't be at this point in time because I am still very much turning into the dom that I hope to someday be. In a way he is spoiled after serving a couple of middle-aged women who had many years of experience, as opposed to me (3 years younger and 3 years less experience than him.) At first I took this as an insult, it hurt. But after much introspection I can safely say that I am not yet a dom by my own definition and standards. I'm constantly going to meeting, demos, conferences, etc. to soak up as much as I can from those who have been doing it longer. ]

quote:

My ex master had a long conversation with me a few years ago when I expressed that I really enjoyed topping, but didn't ever think I'd call myself a dominant.  He said that you can get into the play right away, but feeling right about dominating and feeling like it's just a part of the relationship is something that takes awhile to develop, something that just has to come on its own over time.


Thanks for saying this as well. I feel exactly the same way...it does and will take time. But again, I see so many examples, especially online of people who claim that being dominant (and knowing how to express that dominance) is so intrinsically a part of them that it's just "always been there." It makes me feel better to know that some people didn't always feel like this and maybe there's hope for me yet ;)

quote:


And he was right.  I still catch myself sometimes and think "Wow, when the heck did I become who I am?"


Damn, I love that feeling. Congrats to you for the obvious progress you've made - not towards becoming something in particular but towards realizing and become the person that *you* are.

_____________________________

“These S&M people ... they are bossy! There’s also a creepy connection between leather sex, ‘Star Trek’ and the Renaissance Faire.”

- Comedian Margaret Cho

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Training for Dominants - 2/14/2007 9:04:34 PM   
Stephann


Posts: 4214
Joined: 12/27/2006
From: Portland, OR
Status: offline 		So, I'm wary of sounding like I'm hijacking or 'tut-tutting' this thread, but it seems the discussion has focused mostly about Topping, with barely more than a nod towards the relationship/interaction element.

Personally, I don't approach topping as an expression of dominance so much as I do an opportunity to enjoy an 'extreme' sort of activity, like hang gliding or rappelling.  Yet, this extreme sport doesn't rely on a field, tower, or court; it rests within the mind and flesh of the recipient. 

Like Lawrence, Uncle Sam's Misguided Children were my first institutional foray into the realm of Dominance and submission, though I could never put a name to the faces behind the mechanics of what was being done to us during endless pushups, blowing into the dirt, or dumpings of our footlockers.  I eventually stumbled onto the terminologies, ideas, and subsequent understanding of the lifestyle through the internet (with, admittedly, more error than trial.)  Yet once I understood the ideas behind D/s, I could look back at my life and realize it started as early as four or five years old, with first having to wrestle with understanding why 'daddy' acted one way and 'mommy' the other.  Later, why my mother behaved a certain way (as a strong willed, submissive woman) vice my step mother (who was, essentially, a strong-willed, domineering bitch) and wondering why my dad spoke and acted differently when around each. 

For this reason, I don't really see that dominance as a trait can be taught directly through any sort of mentoring or workshop, though as a trait it can be nurtured or inhibited based on the life experiences we choose (or choose not) to have.  I will admit, then, a natural distrust for anyone who claims to be able to teach dominance, per se.  This isn't to say I wouldn't enjoy the opportunity to visit a workshop, to see what the hub-bub is about.  As it happens, my own life experiences and paths have prevented me from such opportunities (the entire Chilean BDSM community would probably fill a small cafe and still have room for the Chilean Stamp Collectors Association Convention.)  The next six months, though, will likely land me on the West Coast of the US, so we'll see when that time comes.

Stephan

_____________________________

Nosce Te Ipsum

"The blade itself incites to violence" - Homer

Men: Find a Woman here

(in reply to LadyHugs)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Training for Dominants - 2/14/2007 9:12:30 PM   
JasonF


Posts: 61
Joined: 5/30/2005
Status: offline 		Great topic, good question OP!

For me, it always seemed to be separated into 3 things: emotional, physical, and mental.

Mentally, it comes natural to me. I don't have to work hard to do what I do, I just take my natural insticts to protect my love and look out for her best interests. Part of that is learning that her "best interests" is that sometimes she needs me to take control and cause her some pain. It's really only been recently that I've started enjoying the pain for the sake of it. I remember, when I was 14, thinking how "broken" I must have been because I had dreams about tying my girlfriend to a bed and tickling her until she cried -- it had nothing to do with something I had seen or heard, it's just always been in my head, and expressing it through mindfuck is easy to me.

Physically, I like to say there are certain skills to being a Dom. Throwing a flogger. Using a singletail. Tying a good knot. Etc, etc etc. A lot of this, I'm still learning -- something that helped me out a lot with this though was a good friend of mine I met through a local group who has been teaching me the technique, and it's surprising how quickly you can learn with good guidence.

Emotionally.... well, that's a little tougher to describe. It took me a very, very long time to come to grips with the fact that it is "ok" to hit a woman in certain circumstances. I come from a fundamentalist southern christian household, not to mention I'm an extremely gentle guy when I'm not in "Dom mode". A few things helped me learn how to get over my emotional blocks ... the first was seeing, in real life, a couple who was thriving in a D/s relationship. It makes things feel a bit more real and makes you feel a little less like a complete freak. The second was meeting a girl who truly exued submissiveness -- I know her, and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that not only does she want the control... she needs it. She needs me to hit her with my flogger, or bite her, or spank her, or whatever else the case may be. Knowing that really helped me over the hump.

So, I've never had any real formal training... but most of the things I'm learning as I go or I matured into knowing.

Thanks for giving me a reason to write all this down.


_____________________________

Jay
TNG-NC Council Member
engaged to my girl, junecleaver

(in reply to DominaSmartass)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Training for Dominants - 2/14/2007 9:14:16 PM   
DominaSmartass


Posts: 961
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: This month? Maryland
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OedipusRexIt
It seems a bit oxymoronic to presume Dominant personalities would submit to "training"...  I wouldn't.  Part of being a Dom is knowing that you've already got what it takes.


Hey, who are you callin' a moron? Ok, just kidding, but seriously, I didn't presume anything (I was asking) and secondly, who says training involves submitting? I don't like submitting but I sure as hell am smart enough to know I wasn't born with everything I need to be a Master (going by my definition to myself here only.) And no, I'm not talking about the technical skills here, I'm talking about things like learning how to accept service from someone when I am one of the most "self-sufficient, don't want or need any help from anyone, ever" type people I know. Or reconciling my deep desire to hurt someone (badly!) with my personal code of ethics. These are issues I've certainly gotten "training" on from more experienced dominants and submissives alike.

quote:

If you're simply acquiring as to how and where techniques are picked up, it's the same as with any life experience. 


Um, do you mean inquiring?


_____________________________

“These S&M people ... they are bossy! There’s also a creepy connection between leather sex, ‘Star Trek’ and the Renaissance Faire.”

- Comedian Margaret Cho

(in reply to OedipusRexIt)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Training for Dominants - 2/14/2007 9:27:20 PM   
LadyHugs


Posts: 2299
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Dear topcat, Ladies and Gentlemen;
 
You wrote; ..."For me, it's literally been the work of a lifetime."
 
Spot on. 
 
Living and learning, experiencing and sharing is a life's work.  All the things we've learned in growing into adulthood and being adults never ends until one dies.
 
We, in a general sense are alive--so is our lifetime of living.
 
Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs

(in reply to topcat)
Profile   Post #: 40
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