How to let them know its okay... (Full Version)

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shyandsilly -> How to let them know its okay... (3/14/2005 9:05:53 AM)

hi!

i have a friend. we are close but havent taken it to the next level. i really want to and i think they do too. but there are some issues with somethings in their history which makes them hesitate. i totally understand their position, but at the same time i want them to be strong and just take me and do with me as they want.

i could just talk to them and say, 'i want you to use me like i know you want to.' but that doesnt seem right to me. i sit in front of them and stare in their eyes and inside i am screaming, "just take me!" but i must wait. it must be from them.

shouldnt they be "made" to work through their issue themselves? that is my hesitation is letting them know how i feel for them. they should be the strength and know when it is right to "force" themselves on the one they are so interested in. yes?

or is there some other angle i could be looking at this?

thank you



MistressFire70 -> RE: How to let them know its okay... (3/14/2005 9:13:00 AM)

Communication is the key. Just flat out ask them if they're interested...in you, in the lifestyle, in whatever. State that you feel they have an issue that is inhibiting them and see if they'd like to talk about it. Yes, in the end, they will have to work through it themselves, but who knows, you might be the one put in their path to make them look at it and help them work through it.

Let them know that you're interested and that you'll be ready when they are, if they're ready sometime soon. Don't promise or expect to wait forever.

Fire



EmeraldSlave2 -> RE: How to let them know its okay... (3/14/2005 9:49:10 AM)

Ditto on fire. Part of being with someone in a relationship is helping through things. You're expecting a lot from them, but not allowing them to do it in their own way and time. If you want the scene you want without having to deal with that stuff, go to a club when they are having an auction and put yourself up for a takedown scene. Or, go hire a session with a pro.

Otherwise, you have to deal with the other stuff openly and honestly too.



shyandsilly -> RE: How to let them know its okay... (3/14/2005 9:55:20 AM)

oh,

i know they are into bdsm. i believe they are an experienced dominant, or at least sadistic enough to make me so very happy with that part of us, if we were ever an "us".

we have talked so much about their issues with past relationships. i feel they have really been damaged by those relationships. to the point where i fear they are afraid to be themselves. that dominant personality is still there. i get to see it sometimes. i just wish they were that sexy dominant take charge person with me.

i guess what i wish for is a way to let them know without just coming out and saying "take me! i'm yours!". i wish i could think of a way of encouraging their dominant personality to realize that it is okay to make your move. that i'm not going to hurt them the way i know they have been hurt in the past.

maybe i am holding too tightly on to the idea of being taken by someone strong and forceful, when we could have a wonderful relationship otherwise?

does it "ruin it" if someone "takes charge" of the relationship from the bottom, if at least just to get it started at all?



EmeraldSlave2 -> RE: How to let them know its okay... (3/14/2005 10:01:38 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: shyandsilly
maybe i am holding too tightly on to the idea of being taken by someone strong and forceful, when we could have a wonderful relationship otherwise?

I think you're holding too tightly onto one ideal view of things and not allowing reality to come in. Trust me, many a person has been "taken" to realize it's not at all what they expected it would be, in some ways better and some ways worse.
quote:


does it "ruin it" if someone "takes charge" of the relationship from the bottom, if at least just to get it started at all?

It ruins if you aren't being honest about it and understanding they might not be ready, if ever. I was engaged to a fabulous vanilla man who had SUCH potential as a dominant. But it wasn't who he was and where he wanted to go. Such is life.

This is obviously important to you, but I think you're wanting us to tell you to go ahead and do something and we can't give you that answer. What we can do is tell you to be honest, and communicate.

Don't get obsessed.



topcat -> RE: How to let them know its okay... (3/14/2005 10:14:10 AM)

quote:

"take me! i'm yours!".


Midear S&S-

Well, that's actually the best way- be real upfront about it- especially in the beginning, especially if he has been burnt in the past.

You need to take responsibilty for what you want, and communicate it cleary- and be sure he knows that if it doesn't work, you are not going to hold it against him.

Good Luck- and keep us posted...

Stay warm,
Lawrence



LadyShiloh -> RE: How to let them know its okay... (3/14/2005 11:00:35 AM)

Much to the dismay of many submissives I've worked with, we Dominants are NOT mind readers. Especially at the beginning of a relationship. We have our own hang ups and insecurities (even if some won't admit it. After all, we're only human). If this person has been burnt in the past, they need to know exactly what you are willing to give, and what to expect from you. If you've really talked as openly and as at length as you seem to indicate, then it seems that you both have a hang-up. Yours is in "needing" the Dominant to "take you" by reading your mind and knowing what you want. His/Hers is in letting the past dictate feelings and actions today. Without very clear communication between the two of you as to how to proceed with your relationship, you can expect it to go exactly where it's been in the past. Nowhere!
Take the chance. Open up. Be honest. Be clear. Doing these things is not taking control from the submissive standpoint. It is merely opening the door and allowing the Dominant to take the control you seem to crave. No Dominant worth their weight in salt will push themselves on a submissive when they are not wanted. If he's unsure of your feelings, he won't step in. If you want him to, you have to open the door.
Best of luck to you. Let us know how it goes.

Lady Shiloh~



TallDarkAndWitty -> RE: How to let them know its okay... (3/14/2005 11:40:27 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: topcat
Midear S&S-

Well, that's actually the best way- be real upfront about it- especially in the beginning, especially if he has been burnt in the past.



One image that was recently revealed on this message board was of the needy submissive greeting her master with a crop in her mouth down on all fours.

That certainly would work for me...

Taggard



MizSuz -> RE: How to let them know its okay... (3/14/2005 3:07:29 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: shyandsilly

maybe i am holding too tightly on to the idea of being taken by someone strong and forceful, when we could have a wonderful relationship otherwise?



If you haven't told him you'd like HIM to 'take' you then it may be possible that you haven't discussed bdsm with him enough. Not from a perspective of 'negotiating' the terms, conditions, boundaries, expectations, hopes, dreams, etc., with him. Are you waiting for him to read your mind? If so then take responsibility for being heard and tell him. You don't have to tell him what to do (as in giving instructions), you can simply tell him what you'd like him to do; and yes, he may reject you (for whatever reason). That's part of the package, the potential emotional risk.

Take down fantasies are nice and can be incorporated into a lifestyle relationship, but I really recommend having clearly communicated the wishes, expectations and boundaries (by and for both parties) before they are undertaken. Believe me when I tell you that it's possible to do both.

As to his issues, all you can do is make a safe place for him to examine them. If you try to 'force' him to look at or deal with them you are taking away the safety of the place you would otherwise provide him. My experience is that 'forcing' can often tend to diminish the possibility that they will ever face them with you. You can, however, set limits about how long you're willing to wait and to what extent.

I don't recommend trying to turn someone into what you want them to be unless they have clearly agreed to undertake the change. Manipulation is a poor foundation from which to start a relationship.




MidnightWriter -> RE: How to let them know its okay... (3/14/2005 3:15:05 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: shyandsilly
i know they are into bdsm. i believe they are an experienced dominant, or at least sadistic enough to make me so very happy with that part of us, if we were ever an "us".

Do they know that YOU are into bdsm? That'd be a factor, methinks.

quote:

i guess what i wish for is a way to let them know without just coming out and saying "take me! i'm yours!". i wish i could think of a way of encouraging their dominant personality to realize that it is okay to make your move. that i'm not going to hurt them the way i know they have been hurt in the past.

maybe i am holding too tightly on to the idea of being taken by someone strong and forceful, when we could have a wonderful relationship otherwise?

Well, there is this little problem - consent. Before they reach across the table to conquer you, they need to know that they have your consent for this - else, it's called rape, and they may feel badly about themselves, or end up as Bubba's roommate.

On the other hand, if you tell them that your safeword is "red" (or whatever), and that you're very curious about what it would be like to be conquered by such an attractive person, that'd be about the minimum hint I'd accept.

Be forewarned - it may not go as you wish. A horrifying number of dominants have this wierd fetish for negotiation, and you may have to actually talk about things before anything fun happens.

quote:

does it "ruin it" if someone "takes charge" of the relationship from the bottom, if at least just to get it started at all?

Not in any way that I've ever seen.



ScooterTrash -> RE: How to let them know its okay... (3/14/2005 5:28:36 PM)

Just a quick thought on this, perhaps bringing out a BDSM checklist and both if you filling one out might make an easy icebreaker on the subject. You can find these on several sites and in various communities. If it appears as a serious moment, hmmm, you may be home free, if it's more like a giggle session, you may need to do some serious talking.



LadyAngelika -> RE: How to let them know its okay... (3/14/2005 6:41:09 PM)

shyandsilly,

I think you have gotten some great advice thus far, even though everyone seemed to assume that "they" is a He.

I can tell you from a Domme's point of vue, a Domme that started out experimenting in BDSM with other women that there are additional issues that come on top of all other issues related to BDSM. Lesbian culture teaches us that women don't hurt women. I'm not sure how the milieu is today. I have to admit only having kept a small amount of my lesbian friends after I started dating men again and opting for a bisexual lifestlyle, but I know that about 10 years ago, the simple mention of BDSM at least here in the Montreal lesbian community had women in an uproar.

So commmunicate, communicate, communicate. Try and see if you can find a lesbian BDSM workshop. I know that is what helped my ex-girlfriend and I work out some of our issues many moons ago.

Feel free to email me on the otherside if you want additional resources.

Oh and welcome to the boards. :)

- Lady Angelika



fullokinks -> RE: How to let them know its okay... (3/14/2005 8:16:44 PM)

I've read all the replies to your posts, thus far, and am surprised at the unanimity. More shocking to me is that WOMEN are actually telling you to take charge and make your desires known. Actually, I have found your mindset to be so common among women that I don't bother to wait for signals anymore, I have found safe and reliable ways to test the waters. Perhaps I'm sterotyping here, but women expect men to read their minds, it ruins the whole fantasy if they have to provide direction. Being a man, I don't understand this, but I accept it.

As for your current relationship, be it with a man or a woman, I cannot provide any advice other than to stop beating yourself and your partner up. It either works or it doesn't, and if it doesn't there are plenty of alternatives. Life goes on.

Paul



MizSuz -> RE: How to let them know its okay... (3/14/2005 8:43:13 PM)

Angelika:

Good point! I didn't bother to try to ascertain gender. it didn't occur to me that it could be same sex or not, but I suppose I don't really think much about that. I'd do it the same way if it was a femme.

I can completely relate to your statement about the gay/lesbian community often being closed about some things. Bisexuals, bdsm, and a host of other stereotyping you wouldn't expect can be found in the gay/lesbian community as well as the het community.

It never even occurred to me that might be an issue. I'd still offer the same advice though.



LadyAngelika -> RE: How to let them know its okay... (3/15/2005 4:11:23 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MizSuz

Angelika:

Good point! I didn't bother to try to ascertain gender. it didn't occur to me that it could be same sex or not, but I suppose I don't really think much about that. I'd do it the same way if it was a femme.

I didn't have to ascertain gender. The use of "they" to avoid gender reminds me of me when I was in my early 20s. My girlfriends were always "they" in a crowd. I then just looked at the OP's profile which indicated that her orientation is lesbian. Hunch confirmed.

quote:

ORIGINAL: MizSuz
It never even occurred to me that might be an issue. I'd still offer the same advice though.

Me too. And I did echo your advice. Based on my own experience and conversations I've had with lesbian and bisexual friends who do WIITWD, I just find that there are certain issues with women/women relationships and WIITWD that need to be addressed.

- LA





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