RE: Many questions about the slave mentality (Full Version)

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topcat -> RE: Many questions about the slave mentality (2/16/2007 11:50:41 AM)

Dear SG-
 
Of course, I don't know all the backround, and there is really no way to fully present the complexity of any human interaction here- there ain't enough bandwidth in the world.
 
All that said, there is a certain shape to your narrative that rings a bell- a whiff of a situation that a friend of mine had to deal with over the last few years. Consider if it might ring true for you.
 
They were together for a bit over two years- she was very happy in the relationship, and believed he was as well, so she was stunned when he left, citing his need for this stuff when pressed for a reason. She wouldn't accept this, and pressed harder for what she could change, what would make a differance, only to crash into his insistance that he needed what she could not provide.
 
I wasn't as close to him as to her, but I knew him, and had ample observation of their relationship. He just wasn't happy with her, and was pinning it to something external- in his eyes, a kinder way of putting her off.
 
something in your story reminded me of her.
 
Stay warm,
Lawrence



hereyesruponyou -> RE: Many questions about the slave mentality (2/16/2007 11:58:56 AM)

Perhaps I missed it, but has he told you this is why he wanted to break up? It could be a larger issue. It may also be that he just can not see you in this role. He may truely still love you and want to be with you, but he knows that it will leave a hole inside himself. At some point we have to put ourselves first. I think the analogy of the gay/straight couple was very accurate. I know i felt that way as far as having a bdsm aspect to my life when i was in a totally vanilla relationship and even though he was willing to explore, I couldn't see him in that role. It just didn't work.

Sorry for your pain



mylittlesub -> RE: Many questions about the slave mentality (2/16/2007 12:23:03 PM)

I think its always natural for anyone to want to understand all the "whys" we have going on in our heads when a relationship breaks up... and its especially frustrating when we know deep in our hearts that some of those questions will never be truly answered.  We can only guess, wonder, surmise... but we may never truly know.

I think it most admirable of you to try and learn more about the BDSM lifestyle, and want to know what it is that drives his alleged needs.  Perhaps you could consider yourself a friend to him first, and be open and supportive, and possibly have him open up to you when he doesn't feel the pressure to be your boyfriend.  Who knows, becoming his friend first may very well be the way to grow back together, with the very large IF you also discover in your learning process that you have a similar need to be dominant and in control of more than just the sex in the bedroom.

Your posts show that you are clearly level-headed and open-minded about this lifestyle... perhaps there is the way to start in talking with your 'ex' as your friend, and respecting him for his choices even as you learn about them.

Best of luck to you both!



hisannabelle -> RE: Many questions about the slave mentality (2/16/2007 6:39:24 PM)

being a slave is not necessarily an addiction, nor is it unhealthy. also, wanting a relationship where that dynamic is present is -not- unhealthy. at this point in my life, i cannot see myself getting into a non-24/7 d/s relationship, ever, because that's what makes me happy relationship wise. doesn't mean i'd be terribly unhappy in a vanilla relationship, but i would definitely feel like i was missing something and not fulfilling my potential within the relationship, and it's not something i'd ever seek out. it seems to me like there are two possible explanations for your current situation: 1) he is a slave at heart and simply subjugated that part of himself in order to have a relationship with you or 2) bdsm really is an addiction for him, and he managed to abstain while he was with you. based on my experience, the first explanation is far more likely. it's also entirely possible that the breakup happened due to something that has nothing to do with bdsm at all.

edited to add: i was originally responding just to the first post, and with the context added in later posts, i can understand why you might feel it's an addiction. honestly, i don't know enough to say yes or no to that. the only part i can speak on is hiding; my dominant chooses not to disclose our lifestyle to his friends or family, mainly because he's just a very private person. on the other hand, i am very open about it when appropriate. some people think (and are right in a lot of cases) that they'll be ridiculed, lose their jobs, lose their friends, etc. if people find out they are into bdsm. this has changed a lot in the last decade or two, but for many people, it is still a very real fear.



myobedience -> RE: Many questions about the slave mentality (2/16/2007 7:05:23 PM)

SerchingGirl  said   I should point out that I have never been into the lifestyle and am not searching to become involved.

Why do you have  a female dominant (altho empty) profile?  You see to indentify somehow.



AquaticSub -> RE: Many questions about the slave mentality (2/16/2007 8:04:08 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: myobedience

SerchingGirl  said   I should point out that I have never been into the lifestyle and am not searching to become involved.

Why do you have  a female dominant (altho empty) profile?  You see to indentify somehow.


Probably because she has to identify as something for collarme to make the profile to ask the question.



Obsidiansnamaste -> RE: Many questions about the slave mentality (2/17/2007 5:09:13 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SerchingGirl

...I don't understand why he would go back to the BDSM lifestyle when he was happy with me...I tried every way to make him feel comfortable with it and tried to spice up our sex life with it as well.

Will he always be a slave at heart? Once you are exposed to the lifestyle can you ever trully be in a relationship with both the man and woman are equal when it comes to sex? I am not opposed to the lifestyle, however it breaks my heart to see that he has thrown his dreams away for an addiction.

Please help me to understand the thinking behind a slave. Once a slave, always a slave?


i think it depends on the nature of the person involved. Some get involved in this not as a lifestyle but as a hobby. A nice diversion where they can enjoy a bit of kink and have some fun. For those people i think it is totally possible to walk away. To explore and have fun and then one day move away from this.

For others it is something more. They find that it is a way of embracing and living what they are inside. If one is submissive for instance,  i believe they will always seek Dominance in one form or another.

It is not an addiction. To me it's a sexual orientation like being Gay or Lesbian. Are they addicted too? At one time being homosexual was considered an illness and something to be fixed. i think depending on perspective some people consider this to be likewise. But i digress.

Your significant other may have found out that he is not able to dismiss those needs, that they are indeed part of who he is and decided to stop ignoring them or attempting to get rid of them. That happens quite a bit actually. i've known a number of females who said they were going to leave the lifestyle and did ...for awhile. But eventually they came back, because as people...we are what we are. ... okay that's the long answer

The short answer is, if one IS a slave (internally as opposed to slaving externally)...yes i do believe one will always need that type of dynamic.



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