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Subs with low sex drive - 2/17/2007 5:10:18 AM

MsCfromMelbourne

Posts: 777
Joined: 2/15/2007
Status: offline

I have a genuine problem in my D/s relationship

I love my submissive: he is attentive, well trained, kind and intelligent. he takes wonderful care of me, even though we are both busy professionals. he is probably the most generous submissive I have had in the last 10 years. we were introduced by a mutual friend in the BDSM scene who knew we would be "perfect" for one another and for the first 3 months, we both thought She was right.

However, my submissive has a low sex drive. he has always been extremely respectful of women and never pushy or lustful. Needless to say, he is quite happy in his CB3000 for a week to a month at a time.

The problem is, I am a healthy, attractive, lusty woman who wants her man to want her. I always have to initiate sex and it is an effort to get him to do it. I have to issue directions like a traffic cop. What I really want sometimes is a big strong man to thrown me on the bed and roger me senseless. Spontaneous passion. We are missing passion.

Now I appreciate that submissives are not naturally aggressive between the sheets, but my submissive's reluctance is getting me down. I know he adores me and thinks I am gorgeous - but I don't feel very gorgeous if he doesn't want to jump my bones.

Of course complaining about his lack of enthusiasm will only make the problem worse.

he always wears a cock ring and that helps him maintain an erection, and I made him go to the doctor and get Cialis. The problem is not ability to perform, it is lack of desire to perform.

Someone pointed out recently that a lot of slaves are quite proud to be asexual. Their owners seem very proud too. The BDSM scene attracts many asexuals who happily settle for companionship of a Mistress without sex.

BUT thats NOT what I want!!

he swears that he is not gay and that he finds me sexy. he has just always been this way.

What can I do besides get a lustier submissive? We want to be monogamous and we seem to be amazingly compatible in every other way

Post #: 1

RE: Subs with low sex drive - 2/17/2007 6:12:43 AM

Rule

Posts: 10479
Joined: 12/5/2005
Status: offline

Seems to me that you have to jump and bump him. Feed him some viagra and have at him.

Otherwise you must make a sacrifice (of abdicating monogamy) and also get yourself either a slave, a dominant or a vanilla to roger you.

(in reply to MsCfromMelbourne)

Post #: 2

RE: Subs with low sex drive - 2/17/2007 6:18:12 AM

ArgoGeorgia

Posts: 256
Joined: 2/9/2007
From: Atlanta, Georgia
Status: offline

Has your sub ever had his testosterone level checked? Low testosterone can cause a decreased libido. If he has 'always been this way' (even as a teenager???) then it could be a hormone thing. It could also be a psychological thing, but those are much more difficult to detect and treat, sometimes requiring years of therapy. Finally, it is very possible that he could be asexual. I've gone through a marriage with someone who became asexual and I can sympathize with you. That lack of feeling wanted/desired is very, very difficult to live with.

(and I know I'm not a Mistress, so I apologize if it is improper to post here, but I do have experience with this issue).

< Message edited by ArgoGeorgia -- 2/17/2007 6:19:45 AM >

(in reply to Rule)

Post #: 3

RE: Subs with low sex drive - 2/17/2007 6:30:10 AM

openmindedslave

Posts: 470
Joined: 2/27/2005
Status: offline

actually his lck of stronger sex drive is a common trait in many subs/slaves.
As you pointed out, he is very good at placing you ahead of his own interest. In there may lie the natural order. Yes there are those who do seek sexual gradification..but a natural desire to put you first may be distracting him from thinking of his own needs.In many ways , if he has though of himself as a server to a dom most of his life, he could have easily trained himself not to have those needs .
The otherside of it as you have addressed already is some type of sexual dysfunction. Medically it may be treated .

Also, maybe look back at the beging of your relationship.Was he more aggressive then or about the same? At the begining , was the tone of the relationship set as to how and when he was to perform for you.In a sense to have to retain him for what you like now as compared to how you trained him from the begining. Its not unsuall at the begining of a relationship , the Mistress sets the proper protocal for sex. Postions,... fore play, ..toys in use..all of this may have established certain requirements that may need some retooling with. Remember, you have trained him. He has been working to please your interest and yours only. Maybe you might want to plan a date night for your slave. Have him make all the arrangements and see how he enjoys putting some spice back into your love making .
Unless something medical comes up, it sounds like the vanilla world of love making is rearing its ugly head, so to speak.Boring or less rewarding sex is common occurance everywhere.

(in reply to Rule)

Post #: 4

RE: Subs with low sex drive - 2/17/2007 6:35:32 AM

cloudboy

Posts: 7306
Joined: 12/14/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MsCfromMelbourne

Now I appreciate that submissives are not naturally aggressive between the sheets

I think this depends on the comfort factor, but if he's not into sex with you, its not his submission that is the timidity factor. (Its false to presume that a submissive lacks sex skills or drive.)

If tease and denial, bondage, and chastity regimes don't prime him --- I do think you have a problem.

In your profile, you say "I believe monogamy is easy when you really love someone." The problem with lifelong or LT monogamy is that you are bound to get everything from one person. I'm not sure that I would call this expectation "loving." Passion and LT monomagy (10 years or more), IMO, are the exception, not the rule.

Loving in your case might be accepting him as he is and seeking passion w/someone else.

< Message edited by cloudboy -- 2/17/2007 6:36:00 AM >

(in reply to MsCfromMelbourne)

Post #: 5

RE: Subs with low sex drive - 2/17/2007 6:37:58 AM

BlkTallFullfig

Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline

Direct him to beg for sex every night? I don't really know a good answer for incompatible sex drives. I suppose we all sacrifice something when in a relationship, but I can't imagine being with a man who doesn't lust after me at this point in my life... On the other hand, if I were treated the way you say you are, I think I would enjoy initiating as I would feel inspired.
I would say that if mood enhancing drugs and conversation don't help, you may need to reconsider the monogamy thing and take on another. M

_____________________________

a.k.a. SexyBossyBBW
""Touching was, and still is, and will always be, the true revolution" Nikki Giovanni

(in reply to MsCfromMelbourne)

Post #: 6

RE: Subs with low sex drive - 2/17/2007 6:45:11 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

It is a myth that men are only interested in sex or that all healthy men want a lot of sex. This is a powerful myth replayed in American culture over and over and over again. It can really hurt our emotions when our man doesn't fit the myth.

Men's sex drives run the gambit just like women's sex drives.

However, since he is your submissive it sounds like you need to have a discussion or revisit your discussion about how your authority works in relationship to his sexuality.

If you have the authority to get sex from him whenever you like there are things he can do that may satisfy you regardless of whether or not he himself is interested in having an orgasm or even getting erect.

He has a mouth, tongue, and hands -- he can use those.

You can get a vibrator or other toys and he can learn to use them.

He can try a strap-on in place of a penis that has little interest in being erect right now.

You can try a strap-on and a vibe for yourself, maybe get off while "you" are inside him.

Personally, I think drugs that make a man erect aren't something to take casually myself but they are available.

There are lots of possibilities but they all begin with the agreement of what your authority covers.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to MsCfromMelbourne)

Post #: 7

RE: Subs with low sex drive - 2/17/2007 8:06:40 AM

cloudboy

Posts: 7306
Joined: 12/14/2005
Status: offline

That is very practical advice, but it is not the same as passion.

quote:

actually his lck of stronger sex drive is a common trait in many subs/slaves.
As you pointed out, he is very good at placing you ahead of his own interest. In there may lie the natural order. Yes there are those who do seek sexual gradification..but a natural desire to put you first may be distracting him from thinking of his own needs.

There is no way a "natural desire to put you (the Domme) first" impedes a man's sex drive. Being submissive is not synonomous with asexuality. The only thing affecting a sub's sex drive towards his DOM are the comfort barriers and the confidence he has in his own actions. Either way, a M's drive is not impeded, it is controlled. When it is controlled in an MS relationship, it usually gets MUCH STRONGER.

The trick for a Domme is to allign the M's sex drive with her own desires such that the two become synonymous, aka, his drive becomes an impulse towards her. In this way, the Male sex drive is a good thing, as it should be.

I hate the idea that the male sex drive:

1. Is something sub's don't possess

2. Is an impediment to submission or being submissive.

Denial of the sub's sex drive is a lie, IMO.

In the OP's case, the problem is that either he is not sexually attracted his Mistress or that he is some kind of asexual. Either one is a serious problem. IMO, a sub who is into BDSM who is not attracted to his Mistress sexually --- sounds asexual to me --- b/c the BDSM - Kink allignment between Mistress and sub would ostensibly lay the table for a fruitful sexual relationship.

As for the root cause of the asexuality, that's the mystery.

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 8

RE: Subs with low sex drive - 2/17/2007 8:10:36 AM

porthuronsub

Posts: 339
Joined: 4/26/2005
Status: offline

There are many reasons he may behave this way. You are quite pretty, at least the part that you show on your profile so that shouldn't be the issue. Maybe he is in the closet and even though he adores women they may not excite him. Maybe it is the hormonal thing. Maybe he has alot of stress in his professional life that drains him and he is just not "up" to anything sexual when he gets home. (pun intended). I think communication would be the place to start, really try to talk to him to see if he is stressed out or what may be his issue. Let him know that it is ok and sometimes preferred that he take the lead and ravish your body with attention. If this doesn't help seek out medical attention for him and at least rule that out.

If none of these work and you really care about him and want him in your life, seek another lover....

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 9

RE: Subs with low sex drive - 2/17/2007 8:35:57 AM

Rumtiger

Posts: 2634
Joined: 3/4/2006
From: Vegas
Status: offline

Could have been the chastity.

_____________________________

Fuck the Pandas!
-Moi

Mmm, I love me some kickboxers, you know why? Cause ya'll cant take a punch!
- Quentin Tarantino.

If they cant take a joke, fuck em.
-Tucker Max

(in reply to porthuronsub)

Post #: 10

RE: Subs with low sex drive - 2/17/2007 9:02:34 AM

BlkTallFullfig

Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline

Oh yeah, and why is it you're putting him in chastity? M

_____________________________

a.k.a. SexyBossyBBW
""Touching was, and still is, and will always be, the true revolution" Nikki Giovanni

(in reply to MsCfromMelbourne)

Post #: 11

RE: Subs with low sex drive - 2/17/2007 10:43:17 AM

Misstoyou

Posts: 1149
Joined: 9/4/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: cloudboy

I hate the idea that the male sex drive:

1. Is something sub's don't possess

2. Is an impediment to submission or being submissive.

I don't agree with it, either. It just feeds into the stereotype that submissive males are less than "male," and that hasn't been my experience.

** edited for slight amplification

< Message edited by Misstoyou -- 2/17/2007 10:52:36 AM >

_____________________________

~ Miss Marie

a.k.a. "mean Lady"

(in reply to cloudboy)

Post #: 12

RE: Subs with low sex drive - 2/17/2007 10:53:21 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: cloudboy

That is very practical advice, but it is not the same as passion.

quote:

actually his lck of stronger sex drive is a common trait in many subs/slaves.
As you pointed out, he is very good at placing you ahead of his own interest. In there may lie the natural order. Yes there are those who do seek sexual gradification..but a natural desire to put you first may be distracting him from thinking of his own needs.

There is no way a "natural desire to put you (the Domme) first" impedes a man's sex drive. Being submissive is not synonomous with asexuality. The only thing affecting a sub's sex drive towards his DOM are the comfort barriers and the confidence he has in his own actions. Either way, a M's drive is not impeded, it is controlled. When it is controlled in an MS relationship, it usually gets MUCH STRONGER.

The trick for a Domme is to allign the M's sex drive with her own desires such that the two become synonymous, aka, his drive becomes an impulse towards her. In this way, the Male sex drive is a good thing, as it should be.

I hate the idea that the male sex drive:

1. Is something sub's don't possess

2. Is an impediment to submission or being submissive.

Denial of the sub's sex drive is a lie, IMO.

In the OP's case, the problem is that either he is not sexually attracted his Mistress or that he is some kind of asexual. Either one is a serious problem. IMO, a sub who is into BDSM who is not attracted to his Mistress sexually --- sounds asexual to me --- b/c the BDSM - Kink allignment between Mistress and sub would ostensibly lay the table for a fruitful sexual relationship.

As for the root cause of the asexuality, that's the mystery.

I didn't make any claims about sub = lower sex drive.

I think there are natural variations in all people.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to cloudboy)

Post #: 13

RE: Subs with low sex drive - 2/17/2007 1:58:19 PM

Stephann

Posts: 4214
Joined: 12/27/2006
From: Portland, OR
Status: offline

Great advice already.

I suggest identify his sexual fetishes, which will be rather distinct from his relationship or kink related fetishes A desire for chastity, for example, will result in a lack of a sexual end result. It may have a sexual root, element, or componant, but if he's turned on by not being able to have sex; well, you're not going to have much luck using that particular fetish to get his engines roaring.

Certain physical or mental stimulation could give you the results you're hoping for, but as suggested, it's a pretty grim diagnosis. It sounds like what you really want, is a mostly submissive switch; a man who generally wants to obey, but will occasionally break his chains and take you; perhaps a bit like owning a hot tempered rottweiler. Usually obedient, always loving, but just a tad dangerous.

Good luck,

Stephan

_____________________________

Nosce Te Ipsum

"The blade itself incites to violence" - Homer

Men: Find a Woman here

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 14

RE: Subs with low sex drive - 2/17/2007 2:07:11 PM

cloudboy

Posts: 7306
Joined: 12/14/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: thetammyjo

I didn't make any claims about sub = lower sex drive.

I think there are natural variations in all people.

Sorry Tammjo, I see that I failed to attribute the quote to openmindedslave.

I was trying to consolidate. Only the top sentence of my post addressed what you had to say.

< Message edited by cloudboy -- 2/17/2007 2:08:31 PM >

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 15

RE: Subs with low sex drive - 2/17/2007 3:27:34 PM

LadyHugs

Posts: 2299
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

Dear MsCfromMelbourne, Ladies and Gentlemen;

In my mind's eyes I see, that men with low sex drives might come from depression, frustration, illness and or damage from previous CBT that was improperly done over a period of time. It also might be, that at one point he was pressed to perform to where its a terrible emotional/mental trigger now. These things mill in my mind.

Your lad is something I would love to own myself, as I am not in need or want of sex. I suppose due to age, physical changes have caused such. But, I do want to 'feel' that manslave lust or foreplay, just to help my sense of 'womanhood' is still there.

I cannot imagine that any human does not want to feel that they are sexually attractive, regardless of age, sex, color, size and or shape.

I would communicate with him. I would also urge him to get a medical check up; as there could be a medical explaination, such as blood pressure, prostrate, parathyroid disfunction and or thyroid, infection and or swelling; such as in the ductus deferens, seminal vesicle, bulbourethral glad and or bulb of penis area, in addition to the prostrate itself and colin should be checked for cancer.

Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs

(in reply to MsCfromMelbourne)

Post #: 16

RE: Subs with low sex drive - 2/17/2007 3:30:25 PM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

(fast reply)

About the "passion" question.

What does passion mean to you? Saying "I want passion" really doesn't explain what it is that you need.

What does passion look like, sound like, to you? Until you can explain that to your sub, don't be surprised if you don't get it.

Once you explain what passion is, think about how much the motivation of those actions and words matter.

If he doesn't have a high sex drive, would you be ok if he went through the motions or if he substituted some other drive (his drive to please your for example) in place of the sexual drive?

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to cloudboy)

Post #: 17

RE: Subs with low sex drive - 2/17/2007 3:30:52 PM

LadyHugs

Posts: 2299
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

Dear ArgoGeorgia, Ladies and Gentlemen;

I don't think anybody will fault you for posting anywhere, when you have something to say which may help others.

Experiences, knowledge, information, etc., is worth a lot to one and all, as networking and bouncing thoughts and views back and forth can assist one and all in problem solving.

Respectfully submitted,
Lady Hugs

(in reply to ArgoGeorgia)

Post #: 18

RE: Subs with low sex drive - 2/17/2007 5:43:35 PM

ArgoGeorgia

Posts: 256
Joined: 2/9/2007
From: Atlanta, Georgia
Status: offline

Thank you Lady Hugs, as a newbie I always try to mind my P's and Q's!

On the topic, there is definitely quite a bit of good advice. As many have already said, communicate with the sub about your concerns/desires. Perhaps he feels that for him to show passion/desire/lust towards you would be - as some have suggested - 'un-sub-like'. He may feel it is disrespectful. However, if once you communicate this with him and things don't change, it's time to get all Nancy Drew and try to solve the mystery. As someone who has gone through the 'diagnosing' process, my suggestion is to first rule out the physical, then work on the mental. The physical aspects of low libido such as hormone, stressors, general physical health, blood pressure, etc are fairly quantitative and 'easier' to rule out by a physician than the mental aspects. Once determined he is physically 'ok' then the psychological aspects would have to be looked at.

However, and I can't state this enough, all of this is very dependent on the sub in question actually wanting to change. If he has no interest in changing and is completely satisfied with how things currently are, then unfortunately the tough decisions will come back to you.

Ms C, I wish you the most of luck with this. It won't be easy, but it sounds like you genuinely care and want to make it work - he's a very lucky sub indeed!

(in reply to LadyHugs)

Post #: 19

RE: Subs with low sex drive - 2/17/2007 5:52:22 PM

sydneypig

Posts: 45
Joined: 5/19/2005
Status: offline

MsC
I am a very passive sub, sexually.I rate intercourse last on my list of sexual acts and i believe i have a normal sex drive.I just much prefer to give oral sex, maybe your sub is similiar?

(in reply to MsCfromMelbourne)

Post #: 20

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