adoption (Full Version)

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conflicted -> adoption (3/17/2005 7:43:31 AM)

After responding to a poll about your exact double, it got me to thinking about my adoption.
i dont have a problem with it, never have. i grew up knowing about it and never thought i was different until i was teased about it in high school.(i soon sorted him out!)
i cried my heart out when i got information that my birthmother had another child 11 months after me, and also put him up for adoption. (we have different father's)As a mum myself, i think it would be so hard to relinquish 1 child, let alone 2.
i have close contact now with my brother, and have had for 9 years. He is wonderful and i absolutely adore him.
i have the information of our birthmother....however i must admit, it scares me to go ahead and find her.
i fear that she will reject us, and silly as it sounds while it would hurt me deeply, i know that her rejecting my brother would just kill me and him inside too.
i fear that she has moved on with her life (which is a good thing) but she may not have mentioned us to her hubby/kids, which is perfectly understandable, but i wouldnt like to cause of any undue stress.
i fear that i may not like her.
i fear she may not like me.
i fear that she may not have found her way and become dependant on me. (i know that may be an awful thing to say, but its true)
Can anyone identify with this? From either side, as an adoptee or birthmother? or you know someone in a similar position? Was there a meeting? How did it go?
Please dont get me wrong, i know that children get put up for adoption for a multitude of reasons, i am not frowning on this at all, i think it is an incredibly brave thing to do. i
think we were put up because she felt that we would have a more stable enviroment and she was just 17 when she had me.
any thoughts would be appreciated
many thanks

n



proudsub -> RE: adoption (3/17/2005 2:44:38 PM)

I'm not adopted so i can't identify with your situation. If i were in your shoes though, first i would be very thankful my birth mother decided to give birth and not abort me, and secondly i think i would want to meet her out of curiosity and for health reasons (learn my genetic background and what i might be at risk for). Do you know anything about your father?



ShiftedJewel -> RE: adoption (3/17/2005 4:52:20 PM)

I was adopted by my mothers last husband shortly after they were married, I was to young to have many memories of my real dad. But I grew up listening to my mother talk about how he didn't want us (there were four of us) and that he gladly signed the papers giving up parental rights. I never believed her, the few tiny memories I had were of him being the loving dad. I finally decided to start looking for him, I got help from cousins, they knew his full name, I was dead in the water without that. Yes, I found him, I was 34 years old. I called a number I had found in the phone book and a man answered the phone, but he was to young to be my dad. I told him the reason I was calling and he immediately told me that I had found the right place, that he (my dad) had talked about us kids all the time and was heart broken because we never contacted him. He gave me the phone number to reach him, I had to regain my composure before I called that one. When I did a woman answered the phone, it was his wife. I told her who I was and she handed the phone to him. We talked for a long time, I felt bad cuz I was the one that had to tell him that his only son had been killed in a car accident. Then we met... I drove out to where he was with my daughters. Being honest, I was scared to death. We aren't really in touch anymore, he has his life and I have mine, and mine includes my adopted dad, the one that raised me and loved me all that time. But it was worth it, I know who I get my looks from, and why I'm allergic to penicillin and no one on my moms side is... in short, it answered a lot of questions. I say go for it, it may not work out, but if you get to meet her, you can get those answers too.

I wish you the very best in your search.

Jewel



SherriA -> RE: adoption (3/17/2005 5:31:34 PM)

My mother had two (or was it three? I can never remember) children before me that she gave up for adoption. She has never mentioned them to me but she's talked to my sister about them. I found out from a casual comment my grandmother made once.

I've never confronted or questioned my mother about it. I don't really want or need to know the circumstances beyond what I can surmise based on family history, etc. My mother was 20 when I was born, and I was the 3rd or 4th. The math makes it pretty easy to figure out what was going on.

Personally, I've never had any interest in finding the half-siblings that are out there somewhere. My sister has mentioned it once or twice, but she's never done anything about it. I'm mostly of the opinion that family is more about the people who are important in your life than it is about who shares some of your DNA. While those two (or three) other people out there may share some of my blood, they're strangers to me, and I'm ok with that.

I wish you good luck, whatever you decide to do. It can't be an easy decision to make.



michellewarner -> RE: adoption (3/18/2005 12:58:55 PM)

i'm one of the lucky ones, i suppose. i've known all my life that i'm adopted. *smile* i was too young to understand when my mom first told me. she says it took her about a week to figure out that i thought she was trying to tell me i was a doctor. [sm=tongue.gif]

anyway, mine was supposed to be a closed adoption, but, through various screw ups on the part of the adoption agency, mom found out that she knew the girl who had had me. so growing up, i had a lot of the answers that a lot of adopted kids never get. i was 20 before mom gave me all the details, but throughout the various stages of my life, i had enough information to feel comfortable with it.

i don't have any particular desire to meet my birth mother or be involved in whatever family she has built, but i have, at times, thought of finding her and sending her a letter. i think she might like to know that i think she was very brave, that i hold no anger or hurt, and that the decision she made was a good one. that, thanks in part to her courage at such a young age, i turned out pretty well. *smile* even if i do say so myself.

on the flip side, i knew a lady who had given her first child up for adoption. she has always wondered what became of her baby girl.

i guess the question is this: do the benefits of finding your birth mother outweigh the risks associated with doing so? for me? i don't think they are. for you? only you can answer that.

if you do decide to find and meet your birth mother, i hope that you, your brother, and she all get the answers that you need and that it's a positive thing in your lives.

good luck, and be well



sub4hire -> RE: adoption (3/18/2005 4:04:11 PM)

I cannot identify with it either. However, I can tell you my personal views on adoption.
As Proud stated it would be nice to have your genetic make up. That way if later on in life you have some problems. By chance you can be on top of the situation much faster.

I am pro abortion and also pro adoption. I have often thought about adopting a child. In fact I decided year's ago I never wanted to have one of my own. I'd rather take in and nurture one that has had such a hard life before meeting me. I'd like to really make a change in my child's life. I'm sure that is why you were adopted by your parents.

Yet, as you stated she was only 17 when she had you. Where many try, many fail when that young. She no doubt did the right thing by allowing you to grow up in a good family.

Myself, I'd make the call. She can say yes or no. Either way at least you have some closure. You really have nothing to lose here. Even if she rejects you, nothing new there either.
Go for it, then update us after its all over.



conflicted -> RE: adoption (3/18/2005 6:17:54 PM)

Hello,

thanks for your responses

quote:

for health reasons (learn my genetic background and what i might be at risk for). Do you know anything about your father?


i am interested in finding out the medical history, as my brother and i both seem to have some simialr problems.
Unfortunately the details of my birthfather are not known to me, and for those answers i would have to speak to her about.

quote:

i'm one of the lucky ones, i suppose. i've known all my life that i'm adopted


*smile* yes i am glad i grew up knowing. My Dad (adopted dad) was also adopted and he found out by way of an anonymous letter when he was 21. According to all that knew him, it changed his life and outlook on the people he trusted. He felt as if he had been living a lie for 21 years. That i believe being the reason why i knew growing up.

quote:

I'm mostly of the opinion that family is more about the people who are important in your life than it is about who shares some of your DNA.


i agree :) No-one in the world can/would ever replace my family in my heart.

Thanks again, you have all given me some food for thought.

n




FLButtSlut -> RE: adoption (3/20/2005 3:30:07 PM)

I was adopted from infancy and really knew it for as long as I can remember at some level. The book "the chosen child" was in a drawer and while I don't remember it being read to me, I never questioned its existence in our house. My brother was also adopted from infancy.

We both had very different attitudes about it. It really didn't bother me, but my brother always felt "different" and less becaue of it.

Well, my family is gone now, having all pre-deceased me. I had the benefit of a mother who became my best friend, a father who doted on me, I have many wonderful memories of my family.

I am often asked if I want to find my "mother" I know exactly where my mother is, and I talk to her often in my prayers. The woman who gave birth to me? I hope that she feels 41 years later it was the right decision. Until recently, I was in the same house I grew up in, so if she wanted to find me, it wouldn't have been too difficult. I really don't have any desire to seek her out, unless of course she is filthy rich and feels horrible guilt and wants to leave me everything she owns!

As for the genetics, I am happy not knowing if I am prone to heart attacks or breast cancer.

For you, Conflicted, since you are concerned about her reaction, why not write a letter? Explain who you and your brother are, what information you would appreciate having, and that if she would like, you would like to meet and talk with her. You might still feel some rejection if you get no reply, but it will sting a little less than over the phone. Be sure to let her know that you will continue to "keep her secret" if she is worried about that, but you would just like to find out a little more about where you came from. It seems to me this might be the most simple, least psychologically harmful way to go.

As for me, this is one of the few times, that I will choose to remain blissfully ignorant!

Good luck, and let us know what you decide!



SweetlyMisguided -> RE: adoption (3/21/2005 1:46:30 PM)

I'm on the flip side of the coin... I AM a birthmom... I placed a child for adoption several years ago... My reason for doing so was due to the fact I was 16/17 years old, and she was the result of a rape. However, it doesn't mean I don't love her... I did what was right for her... and that was providing her with two stable parents who were ready for all the challanges and joys of parenthood and stable enough to provide all she could need and want, where as I could not at that time.

We have an open adoption... I've seen her several times since her birth, but she's kinda young to understand all of it. She knows of me as her "life mommy" and knows she's extra special because she was chosen just for them. I get pictures and letters through out the year... and they keep in touch quite often via email and phone as well... Lately, I've started trying to distance myself due to the fact she's getting older and I don't want her confused... It's not that I've moved on with my life or anything... Once again, I'm just trying to think of what's best for her.

I just wanted to take a sec to step in and share that. I respect the decision of ANY person who was adopted as to whether or not they want to have contact... Let me just assure you that USUALLY adoption is the most unselfish act of love and care for her child that a woman can make... It's usually made with love and pain at the same time, and the decision to move forward and actually follow through... It's like loosing a part of your very being... So never think the choice they made was easy... Just remember... you're loved by twice as many people :)



FelinePersuasion -> RE: adoption (3/26/2005 6:18:03 PM)

I am adopted, but not by her choice she abused us severly I had burn marks all over me was malnurished locked in closets and hald starved to death.and cps took us away. When they had the court date for my brother and I she never showed up and my biological father was in jail for raping a 6 y/o. He signed his rights away, perfering to stay in jail.

I wonder about my medical history all that stuff. I also suffer from abandonment issues because my adopted parents eventually abused me too and I finally left home and spent 6 years in the system.


I also know they were not someone I want to know. I know enough already. she was a horrible mother and he was a monster.



proudsub -> RE: adoption (3/26/2005 6:41:51 PM)

quote:

I am adopted, but not by her choice she abused us severly


That is so sad, i don't know how anyone can treat kids that way.[:@]



FelinePersuasion -> RE: adoption (3/26/2005 7:46:21 PM)

Someone with no soul.



snmsub -> RE: adoption (3/27/2005 7:09:59 AM)

I am a birth mother as well. I gave my son up because at the time I could barely take care of myself, let alone a child. I have no idea what adoption laws are like elsewhere, but here you can be available to your child when or if he/she chooses to contact you. I keep my information updated all the time. When he turns 18 he will be able to get hold of me with no problems at all should he decide to.



FelinePersuasion -> RE: adoption (3/27/2005 11:19:16 AM)

How about birth fathers, lets hear some points from them:)



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