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MidnightWriter -> RE: What makes a Dom tick? (3/17/2005 11:35:56 PM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Siduri
"What makes a Dom tick?" I ask this question to gain some insight on what a Dom gets out of being the top. (I know my jargon is probably off so bare with me.) I think that some perspective may help me figure out where I need to go in my relationship. You see, my boyfriend and I both like topping and being topped. However, I feel like he and I could get a little deeper into the lifestyle if we had a better idea of what doms and subs get out of their relationships.
Y'know, this isn't really about getting deeper into the lifestyle because there's some award or anything - it's really about going after what sings to you, and to hell with what anyone else gets out of this.
That said, I learned a helluva lot reading what people were saying about what they liked, and what they got out of it - so I'll give it a shot. But, really - this whole thing is "take what works for you", not "fill in all of the checkboxes".
You asked for Dom - as in dominant, part of a dominant/submissive dynamic. If you two switches like the painplay part, but the d/s leaves you cold, the first part of this answer isn't going to help a helluva lot.
Control. I got this prezzie from my slave for Yule - a sweatshirt that says, in big black letters, "Does anal retentive have a hyphen?" The joke was, she knew I knew the answer*. When a slave is serving coffee with perfect posture, unobtrusive, just as I trained 'em - I get this warm glow in my thorax. When I have a flame available, at just the right height and distance, before I can even get the cigarette to my lips, it brings a smile to my black, flabby little heart. When I walk through a crowd, and know without looking that my property is exactly 2 paces behind me, with thier right shoulder lined up with my left shoulder, my world is a good place to live. When I get my change from that purchase and walk away, assured that the package will be scooped up unobtrusively as they glide into "heel" position as we exit the store - it's damn good to be me. When I'm working on something at 2:00am, and give a short whistle, I know that a fresh beverage will appear at my elbow quickly, no matter how deeply they're asleep - and I really like it that way.
Authority. There are some household decisions that are open to suggestion - what to have for dinner, whether to watch a movie or play a card game, things like that. There are some things that are always within my realm - what chores are done and by whom, how much pocket money everyone gets, and how often, that the coffee machine is always prepped, ready to go before any adult (other than me, of course) goes to bed at night. There are some things that are open to debate - who wears what to an event, whether we're working on the house tonight or taking a night off, where to go for a dinner out. After the discussion has run its course, I'm the one who gets his way. Every time. No whining allowed.
Pride. When a slave who has spent thier entire adult life slouching walks across a room with perfect posture, it's because I trained them to. When we're at a party, there's another beverage ready just as I finish the one before - because I taught them how to watch for and interpret the signs. When they know without asking how a guest that hasn't been in my house in almost a year takes their coffee, it's because I insisted on that.
Some people build little sailing ships into bottles. I train submissives.
quote:
I mean if I learn what "flat out does it" for many doms than maybe I can come up with some acceptable reasons for him to try it a little more. (He says that he can do some of the things I am asking for with mere aquaintances, because there is not an emotional attachment.) I suppose for my part of topping I need to investigate what male subs enjoy.
Any advice, thoughts, ideas, welcome!
On the other hand, if you're asking about topping headspace, I can probably make it a bit clearer. I only do painplay as reward, with people who really enjoy it - as sadists go, I'm much more fond of causing anguish mentally and emotionally than physically. When I'm flogging/caning/carving someone, I'm taking them to a headspace that they can't get to on thier own - and I do it well. Tonight I used a teeny little horsehair flogger (intended by the manufacturer as a fly whisk, I believe) on someone who was totally blissed out before I was done. It's very much like scratching a cat behind the ears - the reaction of them leaning into the scratch, then melting into a puddle of purring bliss is fun. Whuppin' someone into endorphin heaven is fun in exactly the same way - which explains why I'm such a playslut at parties.
* The answer is, it depends. When used as an adverb, it's not hyphenated. When used as an adjective, it is. Someone would have to be terribly anal-retentive to care.
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