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Serving in the presence of illness - 3/18/2005 6:42:54 PM   
onceburned


Posts: 2117
Joined: 1/4/2005
From: Iowa
Status: offline 		I have been enduring a rather protracted illness which has worsened over the past two months. It has prevented me from meeting a Domme whom I had hoped to serve. Of course I am very disappointed (in addition to being sick!) but am hopeful for eventual recovery.

My question is, is it possible to serve in the presence of a chronic illness? If a sub is incapacitated for days at a time, unpredictably, is it better to discuss ending the relationship or try to tough it out?

< Message edited by onceburned -- 3/18/2005 6:43:45 PM >
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RE: Serving in the presence of illness - 3/18/2005 7:09:50 PM   
nella


Posts: 1243
Joined: 12/30/2004
From: Norway
Status: offline 		First let me wish you a speedy recovery.

i think the depnds on your relationship whit the Dom. if your task is only to serve, do chores and things like this, then cronic ilness would prove a problem for 24/7, but if your relationship if more of one of love and understanding i dont see the problem. i dont have the time to run around and be servant, i have studies to atend to, and in adition i have emotional problems that somtimes keep me from doing so well as i want for days at the time, yet i am still a submissive, in a relationship whit a Dom.

(in reply to onceburned)
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RE: Serving in the presence of illness - 3/18/2005 7:22:59 PM   
sputniklove


Posts: 39
Joined: 2/22/2005
Status: offline 		I think that it is your willingness to serve,that makes youa good sub,your Domme should unless they have no heart or compassion for what you desire to give to them be understanding and willing to reach a compromise,or at least discuss this with you.
I recently had my sub leave to return to the saftey of her mothers house while I was recovering from an illness,and rather than looking to tough it out she went back to her vanilla boyfriend world,and comfort of her moms house. This left me questioning her level of commitment and trust.Communication is the key here and with that you should be able to find a solution with your particular situation. I also wish you a speedy recovery. best sputniklove

(in reply to onceburned)
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RE: Serving in the presence of illness - 3/18/2005 8:30:32 PM   
teachmetobeg


Posts: 43
Joined: 1/23/2005
Status: offline 		onceburned,
Speaking from a near nurse's stand point as well as a submissive, it depends on the type of chronic illness. Are we talking cancer, HIV, Diabetes, Asthama, (fill in the blank here). Some chronic illnesses will go into periods where the symptoms worsen and become severe and other periods where the symptoms are barely there. If that is the case with you, then i recommend you feel out how your Domme may feel if you can not fully serve Her while you are sick. Communicating the fact that there are complications and knowing both your and her expectations will help in deciding whether to serve her or call it quits.
There is a process with any relationship when one of the partners has a chronic illness. There is not one general solution.
Always put your medical needs in front of a Dom/me. The relationship will be more fulfilling if you are at your best.

_____________________________

There's nothing in a catepillar telling you its going to be a butterfly

(in reply to onceburned)
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RE: Serving in the presence of illness - 3/19/2005 5:35:48 AM   
jenniferInPA


Posts: 8
Joined: 2/27/2005
Status: offline 		i think the reverse also applies. If the Domme has a chronic illness, the submissive's willingness is related to the type of relationship, also. What is really important is why are you in the D/s relationship. If it is only for pleasure, even "normal" day-to-day problems will adversely affect it.

If the relationship has built up to one of true caring and compassion than real life will be a normal part of it.

In a healthy relationship of any type, each is at times the giver or receiver of the care, pleasure, assistance, or whatever.

jenny

(in reply to teachmetobeg)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Serving in the presence of illness - 3/19/2005 11:43:34 AM   
BeachMystress


Posts: 2156
Joined: 4/3/2004
From: Naples Island- Long Beach CA - Southern California
Status: offline
*hugs* It is hard. I have what is considered a permanent disability. It causes chronic pain. Anytime you're under the weather for any reason, it is hard to connect with others.

Since you say illness, you may be communicable (you don't mention what it is.) Depending upon the illness, there may be the problem that people aren't really aware of how it is contracted (hepatitis) and those who have it are shunned. I have a friend whose life partner has hep, and understand the fear of being around someone who has a serious communicable disease.

If it is something like MS or Lupus, I'd say you shouldn't be serving. That may seem harsh, but your medical needs do come first, as teachmetobeg pointed out. You need your strength for you.

When you have to concentrate on getting better, you shouldn't be diverting your energies elsewhere. Your health comes first. Developing friendships online may be an alternative for the time being. Sometimes talking with people who are the orientation you're interested in can help deal with the most immediate needs.

There is a chat room on this site (I've not used it, but it is there.) There is also IRC with b.com and Yahoo Messenger at http://messenger.yahoo.com/ or if you don't want to install Messenger, you can access their chat rooms at http://chat.yahoo.com/ You reach the BDSM rooms by going to "Romance" under Chat Categories. From there, you click the "Adult" Sub-Category. After you agree to view adult rooms and are taken in, you have several sub categories. Most of what you want will be in "BDSM" and "Fetishes." I'm going to attach a photo, since the place for the next step is often hard for people to find. You want to click User Rooms. Once you've done that, it is just a matter of selecting the room you'd like to visit. Sometimes the rooms are full. Keep trying or select a new one. It can sometimes take 5 mins of steady trying to get into a full room..

Since I like you, I'm going to point you to something to read before you start chatting.. http://www.jaggery.com/meetdomm.htm Also, most chat rooms have an unposted rule that you're not allowed to PM people from the room unless you ask in the room and are granted permission. I chat mostly in "Dominant Women" under BDSM and "Women Fucking Men with Strap-ons" under fetishes.

_____________________________

Beach Mystress
*Do not threaten the weak. Intimidate the strong. ~ Stevenson*
http://beachmystress.jigsy.com
http://www.flickr.com/photos/beachmystress/

(in reply to onceburned)
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RE: Serving in the presence of illness - 3/19/2005 12:32:04 PM   
onceburned


Posts: 2117
Joined: 1/4/2005
From: Iowa
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BeachMystress
Since I like you, I'm going to point you to something to read before you start chatting.. http://www.jaggery.com/meetdomm.htm


Thank you for sharing that link with me. And thank you for liking me!
I kind of like me too.

Beach Mystress you always give such good advice. I am sorry that you have are in chronic pain. This may sound silly (being that we are simply communicating via the internet) but you certainly don't show it. You are always so upbeat and helpful and ... damn... interesting! I enjoy your messages very much. Obviously you are a strong person to overcome such adversity so well.

quote:

When you have to concentrate on getting better, you shouldn't be diverting your energies elsewhere.


Yes, I was afraid it might come down to this. I am not in a relationship, but was at a point to where we were about ready to meet face to face when my health started to decline. Its not a communicable disease, but time has not improved my condition and I am feeling exhausted.

It would disappoint me to call things off, but I should probably talk things over with her. I am feeling that I will need recovery time (once I do go into remission) and it is not fair to her to not be involved in the decision making.

(in reply to BeachMystress)
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RE: Serving in the presence of illness - 3/19/2005 1:04:10 PM   
onceburned


Posts: 2117
Joined: 1/4/2005
From: Iowa
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: nella
if your task is only to serve, do chores and things like this, then cronic ilness would prove a problem for 24/7, but if your relationship if more of one of love and understanding i dont see the problem


Yes, a loving relationship would continue, even if a service based relationship no longer functioned. Thank you for your wish for my recovery.

quote:

ORIGINAL: sputniklove
I recently had my sub leave to return to the saftey of her mothers house while I was recovering from an illness,and rather than looking to tough it out she went back to her vanilla boyfriend world,and comfort of her moms house.


I am truly sorry to hear that she made the choices that she did and that she have the integrity to discuss things with you. I will be sure not to make that mistake.

quote:

ORIGINAL: teachmetobeg
Communicating the fact that there are complications and knowing both your and her expectations will help in deciding whether to serve her or call it quits.
There is a process with any relationship when one of the partners has a chronic illness. There is not one general solution.


I see what you mean - the right solution is the solution that -we- come up with. I will be sure to discuss things fully. And congratulations on almost being a nurse!

quote:

ORIGINAL: jenniferinPA
What is really important is why are you in the D/s relationship. If it is only for pleasure, even "normal" day-to-day problems will adversely affect it.


I hope never to be in a relationship purely for pleasure.

Thank you all for sharing your wisdom with me. I will certainly take it to heart!





(in reply to onceburned)
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RE: Serving in the presence of illness - 3/20/2005 12:02:14 PM   
BeachMystress


Posts: 2156
Joined: 4/3/2004
From: Naples Island- Long Beach CA - Southern California
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: onceburned

Beach Mystress you always give such good advice. I am sorry that you have are in chronic pain. This may sound silly (being that we are simply communicating via the internet) but you certainly don't show it. You are always so upbeat and helpful and ... damn... interesting! I enjoy your messages very much. Obviously you are a strong person to overcome such adversity so well.





I try to keep my pain whining down to a minimum. I've dealt with the pain for going on five years now. The first year I was a depressed, moody woman. Over time, I've come to realize that pain is a fact of my life. I can live my life miserable and bitter or enjoy the parts of it that I can. I know there will be days that my pain is worse, and I will not be able to do much more than get out of bed. (Yesterday was one of those days.) It won't do anyone any good if I sit around and cry and scream or worse, if I sit around stressing over the next time my pain will keep me from doing something fun. You can make the best of what you're given or you can have the poor-me attitude.. either way, you still hurt. I've just chosen the one that lets me enjoy things as much as I am able. Yes, I am limited. I have lost the ability to do a lot of the things I enjoy. But I'm still reasonably mobile and healthy and there is a lot to be happy about.

Domming actually helps in dealing with the pain. If I can do some mild play after one of my bad episodes, it helps bring me back sooner. On my worst pain days, I'll take a time release morphine and a Mobic (NSAID) in the morning, two Vicoden ES every three hours, two Skelaxin (muscle relaxer) every four hours and then another time release morphine and a Mobic at bedtime. Often on those days, I have enough meds in my bloodstream to be more comfortable by late evening. Last night, I made my sub deal with a mild session at midnight so I could use the endorphins to feel better. I felt a bit bad about keeping him up, but it worked beautifully. After the session, (including one of his incredible back rubs) if I stayed totally still, I didn't hurt at all. I wonder if we can get them to list Domination as a treatment for chronic pain...

I do battle with depression. Chronic pain depletes the brain's supply of serotonin (causing depression). I manage that with zoloft and welbutrin. The days when the pain is the worst, I tend to show depressive symptoms despite the medications. Those days end up one of two ways.. with me wanting to be cuddled and comforted or me turning into the wicked bitch of the west. I know when I'm being grumpy beyond believe, because even I can't stand my behaviour. Those days I tend to isolate myself so that I am not emotionally/verbally abusive to people who do not deserve it. My sub resists being pushed away on those days, and just rides the storm out. It often helps having him around since he is a very sweet, even tempered individual who gives one of the world's great backrubs. The fact that I he is willing to deal with me at my very worst helps make things happier over all. I have someone who has seen me at my most immature and objectionable and still loves me. How can that not make you happy?

quote:

ORIGINAL: onceburned

quote:

When you have to concentrate on getting better, you shouldn't be diverting your energies elsewhere.


Yes, I was afraid it might come down to this. I am not in a relationship, but was at a point to where we were about ready to meet face to face when my health started to decline. Its not a communicable disease, but time has not improved my condition and I am feeling exhausted.

It would disappoint me to call things off, but I should probably talk things over with her. I am feeling that I will need recovery time (once I do go into remission) and it is not fair to her to not be involved in the decision making.


You do owe her that discussion and opportunity to be involved in the relationship decision. Sometimes, people will surprise you and shine through adversity. While illness is a large burden on a new relationship, if she rises to the challenge, you'll know you have someone worth making quite an effort to please.

Also, being happy and upbeat -which a new relationship will help cause- is a good idea in many illnesses. It can speed recovery time. It also gives you something to think about other than the fact that you're ill. Distractions help you cope. Depression sets in easily with any major protracted illness. It's easier to try to prevent it than deal with the results of it.

My sister has Leukemia (in remission) and found that hypnotherapy helped with both the pain and tiredness. You might want to see if it is applicable to your situation. Talk with your Dr about the ways of upping your energy.. and if it is healthy to do so. Tell him you're considering a new relationship and ask if it is a problem recovery wise for you. Find out what your limitations realistically are, then discuss them with your Domme friend. If it doesn't work out with her, keep in touch with her on a friend level. Who knows, when you're done with recovery, she may be looking for a sub or know someone else who is seeking. Networking works in BDSM. Good luck.

< Message edited by BeachMystress -- 3/20/2005 12:03:42 PM >

_____________________________

Beach Mystress
*Do not threaten the weak. Intimidate the strong. ~ Stevenson*
http://beachmystress.jigsy.com
http://www.flickr.com/photos/beachmystress/

(in reply to onceburned)
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RE: Serving in the presence of illness - 3/20/2005 12:54:36 PM   
onceburned


Posts: 2117
Joined: 1/4/2005
From: Iowa
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BeachMystress

You do owe her that discussion and opportunity to be involved in the relationship decision. Sometimes, people will surprise you and shine through adversity. While illness is a large burden on a new relationship, if she rises to the challenge, you'll know you have someone worth making quite an effort to please.


I just finished chatting with her. She is encouraging me to take my time, to focus on my health and my relationship to God (spirituality is important to both of us). I expressed my concerns at failing to meet her expectations - or rather, my expectations of her expectations. And I expressed my concerns that I wasn't being fair to her since I do not know what what the future holds for me.

Yes, she is someone worth making quite an effort to please.

(in reply to BeachMystress)
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RE: Serving in the presence of illness - 3/20/2005 10:31:46 PM   
BlkTallFullfig


Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: onceburned
My question is, is it possible to serve in the presence of a chronic illness? If a sub is incapacitated for days at a time

I think it is possible to serve in the presence of illness with mutual understanding, if the illness is discussed and limitations of illness are discussed... Obviously, you can't be assigned tasks around the clock, so it would have to be modified or not 24/7.
quote:

is it better to discuss ending the relationship or try to tough it out?

I don't think illness has to cause end of relationship, given that it isn't new, and she is aware it exists. I think you should both discuss how you're feeling, and assess how understanding she is of your current limitations, and start serving slowly when you are able, on a level you can cope with. M

_____________________________

a.k.a. SexyBossyBBW
""Touching was, and still is, and will always be, the true revolution" Nikki Giovanni

(in reply to onceburned)
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RE: Serving in the presence of illness - 3/20/2005 10:39:11 PM   
BlkTallFullfig


Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: onceburned
quote:

ORIGINAL: BeachMystress

You do owe her that discussion and opportunity to be involved in the relationship decision. While illness is a large burden on a new relationship, if she rises to the challenge, you'll know you have someone worth making quite an effort to please.

She is encouraging me to take my time, to focus on my health and my relationship to God (spirituality is important to both of us).
Yes, she is someone worth making quite an effort to please.

Glad to hear things are working out okay, and she is being kool... You certainly deserve a great Domme. M

_____________________________

a.k.a. SexyBossyBBW
""Touching was, and still is, and will always be, the true revolution" Nikki Giovanni

(in reply to onceburned)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Serving in the presence of illness - 3/21/2005 9:55:24 AM   
BeachMystress


Posts: 2156
Joined: 4/3/2004
From: Naples Island- Long Beach CA - Southern California
Status: offline
He does deserve a great Domme and I hope he finds her soon. (or has already found her.) I suspect he will. He has such insight and understanding of the submissive condition that it is only a matter of time before he finds one to appreciate him.

_____________________________

Beach Mystress
*Do not threaten the weak. Intimidate the strong. ~ Stevenson*
http://beachmystress.jigsy.com
http://www.flickr.com/photos/beachmystress/

(in reply to BlkTallFullfig)
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RE: Serving in the presence of illness - 3/21/2005 10:46:21 AM   
onceburned


Posts: 2117
Joined: 1/4/2005
From: Iowa
Status: offline 		Thank you for your very kind words M and Beach Mystress. I worry that I am untested, since I have never served in a long term relationship. But I know what resonates inside of me, and I will endeavor to be true to myself.

(in reply to BeachMystress)
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RE: Serving in the presence of illness - 3/21/2005 12:28:31 PM   
BeachMystress


Posts: 2156
Joined: 4/3/2004
From: Naples Island- Long Beach CA - Southern California
Status: offline

All you can do is be honest and up front about your experience level. Sometimes, the transition to real time isn't easy. It brings up a lot of feelings you do not expect. Often times, one of those is "what is wrong with me for liking this?" Another problem that comes up is that it isn't easy to actually put someone else's needs in front of your own when you're not in the mood for it.

It is hard to go back to the type of relationship you had with your parents, and that level of control seems to be the goal of most Domme I know in real life. They expect obedience on just about every level. They expect to be able to set the sub's bedtime if they choose, veto his social life if she has other plans, decide the programming watched.. etc. Granted, these are women who have more than just a play relationship with their sub. There are some who just want to beat someone once a week.

Think long and hard about how much commitment you can realistically make at first. Realize you're going to need to start slow and work your way up. Have you seen me talk about the book, Training With Miss Abernathy: A Workbook for Erotic Slaves and Their Owners?
It has some good advice for the new sub. It might be something to help you while away the long hours while you recover. As with any book, take the parts that work for you and ignore the parts that do not. I don't find all of it to be relevant, but it is a good jumping off place.

_____________________________

Beach Mystress
*Do not threaten the weak. Intimidate the strong. ~ Stevenson*
http://beachmystress.jigsy.com
http://www.flickr.com/photos/beachmystress/

(in reply to onceburned)
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RE: Serving in the presence of illness - 3/21/2005 1:35:00 PM   
onceburned


Posts: 2117
Joined: 1/4/2005
From: Iowa
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BeachMystress

It brings up a lot of feelings you do not expect. Often times, one of those is "what is wrong with me for liking this?" Another problem that comes up is that it isn't easy to actually put someone else's needs in front of your own when you're not in the mood for it.


Yes, these are the sort of hidden rocks that I worry about. I do not know the waters I will be entering, and navigating the dangers will require care, caution and patience.

quote:


Training With Miss Abernathy: A Workbook for Erotic Slaves and Their Owners


I ordered that book on the strength of your recommendation! I have only browsed it so far, not being quite up to the lessons, but I think the cost of the book is far less than its value. I think the basic lessons on Mindfulness, Awareness, and Self-Discipline will be particularly helpful. (But I have got to do them first)

Thank you Beach Mystress for your suggestions and guidance - I hope your words will also benefit others reading this thread.

(in reply to BeachMystress)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Serving in the presence of illness - 3/21/2005 2:46:02 PM   
SubbieHubbie


Posts: 14
Joined: 3/14/2005
Status: offline 		Just a reflection, based on my own experience.

My wife (and psuedo-domme) has several chronic illnesses: lupus, rheumatoid arthritis, trigeminal neuralgia, and diabetes to name just the major ones. Now, it's easy to reflect that as she is the domme, and we are not in a s/m relationship (thus she doesn't need the strength to wield a whip etc) there should be no problem there, that the sub is the one who needs the strength. You'd be sort-of right. My reflection falls outside the d/s part of our relationship into her work. She commutes 800miles per week, has a high intensity/high stress/highly paid/etc career. She gained that job prior to developing several of those illnesses and around the time she was diagnosed with some of the others and since that time the job has become more intense and more stressful. She has excellent (ish) medical care. And she refuses to let life beat her.

As BeachMystryss said (I believe it was you, BM?) there are days when she hurts so bad she can barely get out of bed. Her illnesses could become life threatening and can be debillitating. Often, my service is medically based - such as massage. And with care, and good meds and personal strength, she keeps fighting.

It's amazing how much you can do with desperately powerful illnesses. For different people, and at different times, this varies. I would never, however, say you should not pursue your submissiveness because of illnesses. What I would say is you need to be fully aware of your limits, physical and mental (chronic agony can drain mental resources), and need a cooperative and understanding domme if you are to explore this aspect of your life. Likely, you will not be able to be a full-on slave. Perhaps, physical service will always be restricted for you. Even there, there may be some things you can do if they fit in with your and your domme's wishes. You may not be able to clean house, for instance, but can you dust a shelf? You may be unable to be the chef all the time, but can you make her a coffee on command now and then? There are other forms of service (e.g. sexual) too - if penetrative or oral sex isn't an option, what about the gentle commanded use of a vibrator etc? What about your ability with words? Would she like to hear you beg for things? Only you know the limits of your illness, and only with your feedback can you and your domme explore within the hardest limits of all (physical capability).

It sounds like you and the woman you mentioned (has she accepted you as a sub?) have a positive, communicative relationship. If I'm right about that then treasure the fact and explore yourself with her (assuming she is right for you of course). And in the end, I would suggest that for many submissives, and perhaps particularly for service-oriented submissives, submission is a mental act more than a physical one. And, sir, you DO have a mind.

< Message edited by SubbieHubbie -- 3/21/2005 2:47:26 PM >

(in reply to onceburned)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Serving in the presence of illness - 3/21/2005 7:47:48 PM   
harmony3709


Posts: 292
Joined: 11/15/2004
Status: offline 		Everything posted before is excellent advice. I would like to add that often the first year (give or take) of dealing with a chronic illness can be an emotional roller coaster. Just having to deal with acceptance of whatever your health issues are, any possible limitations on your life or physical abilities, concerns over your future, etc., can really be difficult to deal with and as such, can make other things in your life more difficult or even sort of make your perspective a little "off".

During this state, I have seen people upset with themselves because they are not living up to their "normal" expectations and so on. I know that as a submissive, I am harder on myself than any Dom has ever been in terms of expectations and goals and so I would just express the wish that you, yourself, remember you are dealing with a lot of issues, as well as your Domme understanding this.

My best wishes for your new journey, whatever road that may be, and for your health as well,

harmony

(in reply to SubbieHubbie)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Serving in the presence of illness - 3/21/2005 8:51:23 PM   
onceburned


Posts: 2117
Joined: 1/4/2005
From: Iowa
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SubbieHubbie
And, sir, you DO have a mind.


Don't call me sir!! I *work* for a beating!



Yes, I think you are right. Serving is more mental than physical - thank you for pointing this out, I will have to reflect on it and try to remember it when darkness and doubts overtake me. She has accepted me conditionally as a sub... we seem to fit together so well. But we have not met. My illness has delayed this for several weeks. It is a bit like being being on the verge of walking through door to a banquet hall, and then being mugged.


(in reply to SubbieHubbie)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Serving in the presence of illness - 3/21/2005 8:57:25 PM   
onceburned


Posts: 2117
Joined: 1/4/2005
From: Iowa
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: harmony3709
I know that as a submissive, I am harder on myself than any Dom has ever been in terms of expectations and goals


I have a tendency to be hyper-critical of myself as well. Its not always such a good thing, and the perspective of others is a necessary balance. I guess that is what dom/mes are for!

Oh, and other things too.

(in reply to harmony3709)
Profile   Post #: 20
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