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How much should you have in common. - 2/22/2007 9:47:45 AM   
Nalta


Posts: 38
Joined: 6/22/2006
Status: offline 		well, I live in a small town and theres not alot around. currently I know a girl who is very heavily into the lifestyle. she seems fun, buts shes not a full time slave. in fact theres dominate streaks everywhere I look. anyway, none of this would really bother me if it werent for the fact that she seems to have very little if anything really in common with me. How much should you have in common or get along with your sub?

tob e frank, if this werent a small town I dont think this would be an issue either. but its so hard to find anyone even slightly into the lifestyyle. thats one of the reasons why I ask.
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RE: How much should you have in common. - 2/22/2007 9:53:36 AM   
themischievous1


Posts: 151
Joined: 4/3/2005
From: San Antonio, Texas
Status: offline 		Recent experience and the past have taught me that it's very important to have as much in common as possible if you're desirous of a long term relationship. If you're in it for the play and aren't seeking anything serious, than I don't feel compatibility is as important. Of course, it's always nice to enjoy similar erotic interests as well.

(in reply to Nalta)
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RE: How much should you have in common. - 2/22/2007 9:57:11 AM   
porthuronsub


Posts: 339
Joined: 4/26/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Nalta

well, I live in a small town and theres not alot around. currently I know a girl who is very heavily into the lifestyle. she seems fun, buts shes not a full time slave. in fact theres dominate streaks everywhere I look. anyway, none of this would really bother me if it werent for the fact that she seems to have very little if anything really in common with me. How much should you have in common or get along with your sub?

tob e frank, if this werent a small town I dont think this would be an issue either. but its so hard to find anyone even slightly into the lifestyyle. thats one of the reasons why I ask.



The things that attracted me to my Mistress were non-lifestyle.  We have so much in common outside of WIITWD that we immediately clicked.  I wouldn't delve into such a shallow relationship,  I wouldn't see it going anywhere. 
Ask yourself this, if you were vanilla would you get into a relationship with her?  If not, my advice would be stay away.  As you can read on many other threads here, the dynamic between a Dom and sub is much deeper than your usual relationship, and as such you should be able to get along on all levels.
just my opinion of course.... 

(in reply to Nalta)
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RE: How much should you have in common. - 2/22/2007 9:58:11 AM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		Well, I am a submissive, but I'll venture an answer here. I learn new things all the time from people why don't seem to share many of my interests at first, and this can be a good thing, I think.

On the other hand, if you are considering someone for a long-term relationship, and-or are going to live in the same house with them, than just from a practical standpoint, it might make sense to agree, or have in common with them things like: Are they a real party-animal?, are they a neat-nik?, do they like to cook at home or go out to eat,? do they do drugs and you don't?, are they financially responsible?, etc. 

Considering how short-lived (I've read) some bdsm relationships can be - IMO, if you have next to nothing in commn with someone as far as "vanilla" interests, and don't want to take of any of theirs (or vice-versa), then I'd think you'd become bored with eachother sooner, rather than later. Just  my two cents.

Sexual or bdsm compatibility is probably important as well, I'd think, as far as common bdsm interests. Personally, I've still got a lot to learn about bdsm, and am willing to learn it - so I don't think that is going to necessarly be a huge obstacle for me (but my Dominant is open-minded about that. Some want experienced  submissives - it all depends on the Dominant, or submissive, I guess).

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 2/22/2007 10:00:26 AM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to Nalta)
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RE: How much should you have in common. - 2/22/2007 10:02:42 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Depends on what kind of relationship you want.  If you want the relationship to be a social one which includes spending a fair amount of free social time together, you'd likely want to be into the same things in general.

If you just want to fuck and play, then you should be into the same sorts of kinky and sex stuff.

I find it's more important to be compatible on the important stuff- and what defines important stuff is up to you.

_____________________________

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"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to SusanofO)
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RE: How much should you have in common. - 2/22/2007 10:33:33 AM   
Padriag


Posts: 2633
Joined: 3/30/2005
Status: offline 		Precisely as much as is necessary for the two of you.  Which is to say there is no generic correct answer.  I've known couples who had virtually nothing in common with each other, classic examples of opposites attracting who got along terrific; and I've known others with nothing in common who rapidly self-destructed.  Same can be said for those with plenty in common.

Its not how much you have in common that matters, so much as how well you connect with what you have.

_____________________________

Padriag

A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer

(in reply to Nalta)
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RE: How much should you have in common. - 2/22/2007 11:36:21 AM   
slaveish


Posts: 1086
Joined: 2/19/2007
Status: offline 		Extremely important if it's a long-term thing, not so much if it's just for play. It'd be great to have a friend to, pardon the expression, fuck around with, but ultimately unnecessary if you just wanna ... well ... fuck around with her.

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You only lose what you cling to. ~~Gautama Sidharta

If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other. ~~Mother Teresa

(in reply to Padriag)
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RE: How much should you have in common. - 2/22/2007 11:56:06 AM   
toservez


Posts: 1733
Joined: 9/7/2006
From: All over now in Minnesota
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Depends on what kind of relationship you want.  If you want the relationship to be a social one which includes spending a fair amount of free social time together, you'd likely want to be into the same things in general.

If you just want to fuck and play, then you should be into the same sorts of kinky and sex stuff.

I find it's more important to be compatible on the important stuff- and what defines important stuff is up to you.


No really right answer because something of this is based on variables and individuals needs and the expectations of the relationship that LA mentioned.

Certainly a healthy significant long term relationship needsa level of compatibility and certain regular things are every bit as important as the stuff we do things. I would also point out that compatibility does not equate to having common interests. Compatibility has more to do with do you just like being together, share common values and goals in equal importance and things of this nature.

I would also point out while not a fairytale romantic way, there are a lot of relationships of all types that are very far from ideal and are just about getting major needs fulfilled. The question I would put are both of you on the same page and understanding of the expectations and can both of you be happy with the situation.



_____________________________

I am sorry I do not fit Webster's defintion of a slave but thankfully my Master is not Webster.

"Anything that contradicts experience and logic should be abandoned." - H.H. The 14th Dalai Lama

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
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RE: How much should you have in common. - 2/22/2007 1:06:30 PM   
mstrjx


Posts: 2045
Joined: 11/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: toservez

There are a lot of relationships of all types that are very far from ideal and are just about getting major needs fulfilled



So, I guess 'enough' isn't a very helpful answer, is it?

In truth, and this isn't going to seem very any less vague than 'enough', I tend to have a reflective way of dealing with other people.  By that I mean that different personality types (or approaches) will draw different responses from me.  As long as I (or we) think that there isn't a problem or issue, I can go with more or less communication, interests, and the like.

There are a lot of different types of D/s relationships.  Even assuming a constant, let's say live-in, some couples want to be more reserved, others more intimate, others something between.  I might have a preference, but it would really depend on the person I'm with.

Jeff

_____________________________

Know thyself. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

(in reply to toservez)
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RE: How much should you have in common. - 2/22/2007 1:12:13 PM   
hisannabelle


Posts: 1992
Joined: 12/3/2006
From: Tallahassee, FL, USA
Status: offline 		i think it's important to have the same expectations of a relationship - meaning, don't get involved with someone who just wants to scene every now and then if you want a 24/7 lifestyle. He and i have a smattering of things in common - we are both buddhist, we both like crossword puzzles and reading, etc. our political views are very different, however, as is our relationship background and our approach to relationships. because of our differences in relationship style, being together has taught us a lot - i've become much more independent and self-assured, and He has become much more open with His affection and thoughts. i think having things in common can be good, but having differences is what really allows for growth.

(in reply to Nalta)
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RE: How much should you have in common. - 2/22/2007 1:24:18 PM   
subsa


Posts: 196
Joined: 8/3/2006
Status: offline 		try thinking about it this way...things don't need to be 'in common' but complimentary.  a direct example: a Dom and a sub are two very different mind sets but they are complimentary.  but it sounds to me like you know in your gut that it won't work; you're only considering the idea because you're thinking anything is better than nothing.   not a good basis for a relationship. 

(in reply to hisannabelle)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: How much should you have in common. - 2/22/2007 1:45:37 PM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		First, slaves can, and often do, have dominant personalities.

Second, you have to weigh how fulfilled/unfulfilled you will be if you pursue her. If you can relax and enjoy what's there, go for it. If you will be constantly wishing there was more, don't.

Master Fire


_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
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Ms Relationship Books
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BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to Nalta)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: How much should you have in common. - 2/22/2007 1:56:21 PM   
Padriag


Posts: 2633
Joined: 3/30/2005
Status: offline 		I came back to add an additional thought that only occurred to me after I'd already posted.  That it didn't come to mind before I can only blame on the flu, as in retrospect it seems fairly obvious and important.

You are in essence asking if the relationship with this girl can work with, it would seem, very little in common.  The answer to which is possibly, but only you can really know.

I think the more important question is this.

If it were not for your circumstances, would you even consider being in a serious relationship with this girl?  Or are you settling because she seems all that is available.

The truth is, if you can't be genuinely happy with her, then you shouldn't be with her.  Trying to do so inspite of that is only setting yourself up for unhappiness, making it more likely one or both of you will cheat, and that the relationship will ultimately fail with hurt on both sides.  All because you're lonely and decided to settle for this instead of holding out for what you really want.  That sort of "compromise" is almost never a good solution.

My advice is, do some personal soul searching and ask yourself what you really want... and have you found it yet? 

_____________________________

Padriag

A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer

(in reply to Nalta)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: How much should you have in common. - 2/22/2007 2:42:09 PM   
Driver1961


Posts: 459
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline 		He dips His lid,

My bottom line- If I feel someone could 'kiss n tell ' my secrets, then I  don't kiss them in the first place.

There's responsible playing just like there's indiscriminate screwing, choose according to your ethics man.

Edited cos a toothache's my excuse.

PADRIAG- you're my idol for the day cos of your post, doesnt mean I'm jumping to the other side of the lash!

< Message edited by Driver1961 -- 2/22/2007 2:46:12 PM >

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RE: How much should you have in common. - 2/22/2007 2:52:53 PM   
SingleRarity


Posts: 320
Joined: 9/13/2006
Status: offline 		In my experience, people in relationships (vanilla or kinky, sexual or non-sexual) either grow together or apart. In cases where you grow together, the relationship grows along with you, while in cases where you grow apart, the relationship tends to wither and die. To avoid the later, I tend to think of the people I have in my life that I have already had good long term relationships with, like friends and family, and ask myself if the person I'm considering shares the things I have with them. That generally encompasses a lot of shared interests, goals and values, which if missing probably means that is very likely that we will eventually grow apart, even if there may have been a very strong attraction initially.

I watched my own parents slowly grow apart over many years, until by the time they no longer had the shared responsibility of raising the kids, they just didn't have a whole lot else in common anymore and their marriage ended. I've also watched my grandparents continue to grow together by participating in many shared interests and activities (travel, study, dance, dinning, etc.), and they celebrated their 65th anniversary this last December. My own experiences also lead me to believe that the later is the way to go for a succesful long term relationship, so it's important to me that I not only get along with my sub, but that we also have a number of things in common.

(in reply to Padriag)
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RE: How much should you have in common. - 2/22/2007 3:09:41 PM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Nalta

well, I live in a small town and theres not alot around. currently I know a girl who is very heavily into the lifestyle. she seems fun, buts shes not a full time slave. in fact theres dominate streaks everywhere I look. anyway, none of this would really bother me if it werent for the fact that she seems to have very little if anything really in common with me. How much should you have in common or get along with your sub?

tob e frank, if this werent a small town I dont think this would be an issue either. but its so hard to find anyone even slightly into the lifestyyle. thats one of the reasons why I ask.



If the only reason you are considering her is because there is not that large of a pool to choose from because of the size of your town, then you are considering her for the wrong reason.

As others have noted, you can have a great deal in common with someone and still have it be wrong because the one thing you really want and need to have in common you do not.  You can have only a few things in common but the ones that are in common are the ones that "matter" to both of you.  Or you can have very little in common and yet still compliment/complement each other in a way that is what is wanted by both parties.  So, the answer is that there is no standard answer.  For myself, I prefer someone whose thoughts about what really matter closely resemble my own.  But that leaves a lot of room for disparity.  As an example...for me, politics matter but they really don't.  I know what my political values are and I know who I would vote for.  I can engage in a lively discussion with someone but for me I would never let the fact that someone disagrees with me politically...unless they are far left or far right...screw up the rest of the relationship.

But...choosing someone simply because there is not anyone else...or very few...available and she is the "best" of the lot?  (or maybe the first one you've found or something else)  Seems like a recipe for disaster to me.  I live in a small town.  I've been involved in WIITWD for 9 - 10 years.  I have yet to meet a submissive woman from my town...never have seen one at the munches, never have seen one at the club, never have had one say to me through Yahoo or CM or anywhere else that I go,  " Hey!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  It's you, So-and-So...and you are right here...and I want to throw myself on the floor for you because we are from the same town" and even if I did and the only reason she appealed to me was because she was from my town.......................I'd keep looking.  As an aside though, I did meet a submissive who just a few years ago lived 8 miles away from me.  I met her after she moved far, far away from here.  Murphy sometimes has a sadistic streak himself....

(in reply to Nalta)
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RE: How much should you have in common. - 2/22/2007 4:27:35 PM   
Evanesce


Posts: 2325
Joined: 9/14/2005
Status: offline
quote:

well, I live in a small town and theres not alot around. currently I know a girl who is very heavily into the lifestyle. she seems fun, buts shes not a full time slave. in fact theres dominate streaks everywhere I look. anyway, none of this would really bother me if it werent for the fact that she seems to have very little if anything really in common with me. How much should you have in common or get along with your sub?


That depends on what you want from your submissive.  At the very least, if you're trying to have a relationship that involves more than whips and chains, she should be someone you'd want to talk to when the fucking is over and all the toys are put away.


_____________________________

Denise

Give a slave what he truly needs, and he will do what you want.

"There's never a hero in a battle of ego." - Big & Rich


(in reply to CreativeDominant)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: How much should you have in common. - 2/22/2007 8:44:07 PM   
MzMia


Posts: 5333
Joined: 7/30/2004
Status: offline 		I think you need a lot in common for a long term relationship.  Having kink in common, might
work for a short term relationship.   But if you seek longevity and a serious relationship, you
will need a lot more in common than BDSM.

_____________________________

Namaste'
To Each His/Her Own
"DENIAL ain't just a river in Egypt." Mark Twain


What's your favorite fetish?
"My partner's whisper"--bloomswell

(in reply to Nalta)
Profile   Post #: 18
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