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Is this situation possible? - 2/22/2007 11:14:37 AM   
moki1984


Posts: 274
Joined: 2/22/2007
Status: offline 		I am a virgin to the bdsm scene but I fear my situation restricts me from ever fully feeling it. I was curious of the opinions of whomever reads this. I am bound to a man by marriage and I will not break that vow therefor I can not give into any type of sexual acts regarding bdsm unless my husband is somehow involved in which case I feel he is much to restricted within himself to venture into this world as much as I would like him to. Is it possible to have a master that is almost strictly mental? Then that leads me to question if it is right I would even consider submitting to another man for I would would more than anything for my husband to take this role and truly be the master I see fit in my mind. I do not know how to introduce this to my husband, he already knows my interest and feelings on it, but he has inner boundaries that would hold him back from this. If I could somehow un-hinge those boundaries and let his natural dominance take me over completely I would be in bliss, but that is not something I exactly know how to do. Any suggestions or thoughts would be appreciated. Thank you for taking the time to read this
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Is this situation possible? - 2/22/2007 11:21:45 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		I definitely suggest you try coming out to your partner first and foremost. 

Try reading "When Someone you Love is Kinky" by Dossie Easton and giving it to him.

I alwasy recommend watching Exit to Eden together to introduce the topic in a lighthearted and non-threatening way.  Also, don't take immediate rejection as a necesarily bad sign. 

You're going to have to inform your husband of whatever master you have in your life (yes, there are some who will be content to have a solely cyber based relationship) or else you will be cheating and thus breaking your vows which you claim you can't do.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to moki1984)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Is this situation possible? - 2/22/2007 11:28:00 AM   
mstrjx


Posts: 2045
Joined: 11/27/2005
Status: offline 		Ideally, you would want your husband to be your eventual Dom/Master.  Depending on what experience you have had, you might already know that there is a great deal of intensity (and in turn, an intense psychological bond) between a d-type and an s-type.  It is possible that 'feelings' for another could get in the way of your current relationship.

Although it never came to fruition, a couple of years ago I was approached to potentially become a 'surrogate' for a couple.  The woman had known me from years prior (although we never got together to play or form a relationship) and was involved with a man who wanted to learn (or learn better, as the submissive did not have full trust in his capabilities).  Perhaps some arrangement as this could work for you.

One of two things ultimately will happen.  One of the two of you will work to please the other (you put your interests 'away', or he determines to assist you with them by becoming interested in your interests), or else your interests will become a greater issue.

By the way, with the situation I described earlier, plans were laid for a particular day for the three of us to get together a week in advance, and only hours before the meeting was to take place (it was to be dinner 'and') the man backed out.  Very shortly thereafter the couple broke up.

Jeff

_____________________________

Know thyself. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

(in reply to moki1984)
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RE: Is this situation possible? - 2/22/2007 12:15:10 PM   
toservez


Posts: 1733
Joined: 9/7/2006
From: All over now in Minnesota
Status: offline 		I agree that you need to approach this subject, (your needs to explore this) with your husband. I get a pretty clear impression that you are not the type to deceive your husband so until things get squared away with him you are not going to do anything.

Certainly the best case scenario is that your husband will try and take to this dynamic but you have to understand that on any significant level of this life it is basically in you or not and it is more then how one’s personality is.

Can you find people to play with you that will agree to nothing sexual, yes, I cannot tell you how easy or hard that might be in your area but certainly a possibility. If you are wanting thins more from a mental standpoint then playing around and toys then it will be harder to find and possible very hard on you and your husband.

First step though seems to be to talk about this with your husband.



_____________________________

I am sorry I do not fit Webster's defintion of a slave but thankfully my Master is not Webster.

"Anything that contradicts experience and logic should be abandoned." - H.H. The 14th Dalai Lama

(in reply to mstrjx)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Is this situation possible? - 2/22/2007 12:19:14 PM   
slaveish


Posts: 1086
Joined: 2/19/2007
Status: offline 		Oh wow. Honey, I can tell you from my experience (and it is my own, not necessarily that of anyone else) that you can try to stay with your husband and also have a Dom / Master ... but the D/s M/s bond is so strong and intense that it will really (a) mess with your head (b) mess with your husband's head (c) cause a potentially devastating blow to the relationship with your husband. Message me if you want more details.

_____________________________

You only lose what you cling to. ~~Gautama Sidharta

If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other. ~~Mother Teresa

(in reply to toservez)
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RE: Is this situation possible? - 2/22/2007 12:39:16 PM   
Kinkypupper


Posts: 713
Joined: 9/26/2004
From: Portland oregon
Status: offline 		Not all bdsm "play" involves sex in fact in my opinion most of it does not, It does concern power exchange, and very deep emotional places.
Talk with him, get him involved "watching" while someone else canes or paddles you. This would allow him to interact with you while not actually thinking that "he" is hurting you.


_____________________________

Phil Moulton
A Sensual Touch
Locopony Racing
Portland Oregon

(in reply to moki1984)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Is this situation possible? - 2/22/2007 12:41:29 PM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		There is a submissive here (Holly S) who has said that she is married to someone else, but has a Master who is not her husband she interacts with frequently. Her husband knows about it, and apparently, he said it's fine for her to interact with him. She seems pretty content, so this can work. I am sure Holly S isn't the only one here in that situation, but she's one that sprung to my mind when I read about your situation. Good luck.

- Susan 

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 2/22/2007 12:42:19 PM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to slaveish)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Is this situation possible? - 2/22/2007 12:46:12 PM   
YourhandMyAss


Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		It is possible, but most* not nessisarily all mind you* seek a whole relationship, and I certaintly wouldn't want a relationship where I could only have one tiny part of them.

(in reply to Kinkypupper)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Is this situation possible? - 2/22/2007 1:49:37 PM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		Yes, it's possible. I was mentally and non-sexuall dominant to a submissive for over a year and am currently mentally, physically and spiritual a Master of my slave girl anne.

But, I agree with LA. You need to talk to your partner first and foremost...if for no other reason than to explain to him that you do not want a sexual relationship with a Dominant, you want something else.

Master Fire


_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to moki1984)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Is this situation possible? - 2/22/2007 2:20:04 PM   
moki1984


Posts: 274
Joined: 2/22/2007
Status: offline 		Thank you very much

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Is this situation possible? - 2/22/2007 4:27:41 PM   
mp072004


Posts: 381
Joined: 12/22/2005
Status: offline 		You and your husband might talk about the ways you can enjoy your preferred leisure activities with people other than him, and make a clear covenant. It's only unfaithful or wrong to have sex with someone other than your spouse, or to go to the movies with someone other than your spouse, IF your relational agreements prohibit it. I would advise you to contemplate what, exactly, you want, and the negotiate for it. "Getting to Yes" is a good book for negotiation, although tons of good books on rhetoric and argumentation have been written and would be good as well. "The Ethical Slut" is a well-written introduction to non-monogamy.

It sounds like you and your husband are having reasoned discussions. You've explained that you have certain desires, he has explained that he won't help you out with them. This is good. This leads me to be optimistic about your ability to negotiate ways for you and he to engage in leisure activities separately.

Turning to your theoretical question, one can certainly have a relationship where one person has more authority than the other without anyone removing clothes. Your relationship with your boss is likely a good example of this non-sexual inequal power. Does providing non-sexual service, like housework, appeal to you? If so, then you may have found your niche as a servant, or service submissive. If you and your husband define sex as genital touching, and if that's the only thing forbidden to you with others, you can "play" as well--you might be bound, spanked, or embarrassed, without any genital touching at all. I top people without fucking them, and rarely is it because they or I have relationship rules that forbid proper sex.

Monica

(in reply to moki1984)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Is this situation possible? - 2/23/2007 2:06:56 AM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: moki1984

I am a virgin to the bdsm scene but I fear my situation restricts me from ever fully feeling it. I was curious of the opinions of whomever reads this. I am bound to a man by marriage and I will not break that vow therefor I can not give into any type of sexual acts regarding bdsm unless my husband is somehow involved in which case I feel he is much to restricted within himself to venture into this world as much as I would like him to. Is it possible to have a master that is almost strictly mental? Then that leads me to question if it is right I would even consider submitting to another man for I would would more than anything for my husband to take this role and truly be the master I see fit in my mind. I do not know how to introduce this to my husband, he already knows my interest and feelings on it, but he has inner boundaries that would hold him back from this. If I could somehow un-hinge those boundaries and let his natural dominance take me over completely I would be in bliss, but that is not something I exactly know how to do. Any suggestions or thoughts would be appreciated. Thank you for taking the time to read this

This "natural dominance" of hubby's, sounds like a myth.  Ain't nothing can bring out a man's "natural dominance" like having a willing submissive at his disposal.  If he had it, you'd be seeing it and feeling it by now.
 
You can't make people what they aren't, no matter how well intentioned your motives.  You orta know yourself, did someone teach you to have submissive needs or was it more a case of discovering what you always had?
 
Hanging out with a bunch of gays is NOT gonna make a straight man gay!  You either already are or never will be....  And so it is with Dom or sub.  I think you're acting like a typical, well-intentioned submissve who's afraid to make big choices.  Obviously busting up your own marriage is a biggy for *anyone* but I suspect if you truly want to explore your D/s needs, it won't be with vanilla hubby.  So it'll either be with his blessing or without him altogether.  Either way, he's the one you've gotta talk to....
 
Focus.

(in reply to moki1984)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Is this situation possible? - 2/23/2007 5:30:41 PM   
moki1984


Posts: 274
Joined: 2/22/2007
Status: offline 		i understand what your saying. i was not taught submissive ways but just something i came into on my own. i do believe i have not been fully submissive to him and that is somethingi need to try...honestly i have almost tried to take back the reins a few times with him. I cant exactly say why other than I have a tendency to test people. I am going to be the submissive wife to him I feel i want to be and see what comes of that.

(in reply to Focus50)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Is this situation possible? - 2/25/2007 9:42:33 AM   
krikket


Posts: 1183
Joined: 11/17/2004
From: Washington, DC Metro Area
Status: offline 		When my ex first decided to "explore" his dom side he did so on-line -- "only" mental he said.  However, the night he asked me to hold him while he cried because his cyber Gor slave broke it off left me totally speechless.  You see, i had also been exploring my submissive side, but i chose the route of reading, talking with friends, researching, etc., and even approaching him about being "his sub/slave" (which took a lot more courage than i think most would truly understand), especially when he "kindly" refused my offer.  i knew he was on the computer a lot, but had no idea of the extent he had "researched and explored" his dominant side.  It wasn't the exploration that came between us but the fact that i felt betrayed and cheated on, even if nothing physical had happened yet, simply because he hadn't been open and honest with me. 

So, to answer your original question, yes, it's perfectly possibly to have a Master that is almost strictly mental.  My problem happened because our emotions became involved (his and mine) but that's just the way i'm wired...YMMV (Your mileage may vary).

Good luck.

jimini

< Message edited by krikket -- 2/25/2007 9:53:18 AM >

_____________________________

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to bloom."

by A. Nin



When your heart speaks take good notes.





(in reply to moki1984)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Is this situation possible? - 2/25/2007 10:45:24 AM   
amayos


Posts: 1553
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: New England
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: moki1984

I am a virgin to the bdsm scene but I fear my situation restricts me from ever fully feeling it. I am bound to a man by marriage and I will not break that vow, therefore I cannot give into any type of sexual acts regarding bdsm unless my husband is somehow involved in which case I feel he is much to restricted within himself to venture into this world as much as I would like him to. Is it possible to have a master that is almost strictly mental? Then that leads me to question if it is right I would even consider submitting to another man for I would would (love) more than anything for my husband to take this role and truly be the master I see fit in my mind.


It is my experience the mind follows the body, and the body follows the mind. Our sense of self is rooted in both, and it is precarious to believe you may treat them as separate entities. My advice is to find ways of allowing your submission to become accepted by your husband, while avoiding the trappings of "BDSM" and its lexicon for now.

I've known a few married women who have found submissivewife.org to be helpful to this end. The website speaks specifically to your dilemma, without making a fetish of fetish.


(in reply to moki1984)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Is this situation possible? - 2/25/2007 8:35:03 PM   
moki1984


Posts: 274
Joined: 2/22/2007
Status: offline 		thank you for the site, very helpful

(in reply to amayos)
Profile   Post #: 16
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