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chrissyslave -> RE: Punishment vs. Nurturing (2/27/2007 1:24:48 AM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: SusanofO
Maybe it's because I am really a Switch, but - punishment (vs. nurturing) isn't usually effective on me unless I am really "into" the other person. If I am not, it just makes me angry, turns me off, and can possibly ruin the relationship (I am talking about physical punishment mostly, I guess).
Nurturing seems to almost always be effective. But again, that's me, maybe not everyone.
- Susan
Nicely said Susan. We are all a bit different but think that Susan illustrates the point that there are timelines in a relationship where punishment will be less and more effective, and used too soon could be negative to the relationship, but that does vary to the type and extent of the punishment (due to issues of strength of the M/s relationship that exists, initial or ongoing trust issues, degree of certainty of why the sub/slave is really acting that way, knowledge of the environment that the sub/slave has in their lives, especially on-line relationships which must be communicated, etc.).
Maybe more than just constant "attention" the sub/slave needs an occasional greater show of care (a hug, deeper words of appreciation, etc.) or something else that is making them emotional or a problem that they are not comfortable to bring up...or maybe they feel you would not be receptive to hearing about your other influences in life...outside of your M/s relationship (job, family etc.). And consider that "acting out" might just be a form of showing OTHER areas that need some adjustments, so making such "needs/wants more attention" assumptions need discernment. Some of the sub/slave's expressions might simply be misdirected emotions and thoughts, especially if you fit the role of say a former master, or bad father or abuse of some sort, so need to see a different type of response when your "buttons" as a Dom/Master are pressed (testing you and the relationship, or the set boundaries).
My suggestion for Dom/Masters is to have a variety of responses available and see what works over time as the relationship progresses, be progressive with responses, and not become automated in your responses, as the above sub factors are likely to vary over time, the relationship develops and other influences vary.
For myself, I think in the longer run a very occasional fuller expression of care plus small regular reinforcement would go a long ways with my lower level "attention needs," but I know I have other issues or initial growth/learning type concerns which take precedence over any need for attention for just attention sake early on. In my view, receiving punishment for what is really a short-term sign of a greater need of "self discipline" and more focus on the Master would be counterproductive, as my heart is willing but sometimes the flesh/situation hinders desired behaviors, at least in the shorter-run.
So knowledge, discernment, and having a variable response is what will work better in this sub's case, and perhaps in many cases. Without that a Sir is in effect just "beating a blocked horse" which isn't going to make it go any faster in the direction of desired behavior. But if instead he/she sees and tests different cause/effects and helps clear my path ahead then watch me gallop! So what I try to do is communicate what is my current concerns are and any historic factors that are affecting my behavior and responses, so he is able to make a more fully informed decision about his responses. Then the informed decision-making is more in his hands, and therefore he becomes more responsible for my reaction to any discipline/punishment/attention that would be decided to be melted out. I am trusting that if a One is given all that is relevant that he/she is capable of making better decisions overall, and that includes how to best guide me. Give a strong wrong reaction early on, and to the incorrect "problem" and like Susan it can ruin a relationship, i.e., the horse will buck...and might try to throw it's rider off.
And Sir Michael, that "swat on the rear" sounds rather enticing so pray tell...what would one have to do to get that response from you?...smiles!
chrissyslave
Sidenote to LBO who said:
Fantastic post, chrissyslave, and very insightful.
Ahhh...shucks...so nice of you to notice my post! (...blushing)
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