Are you self-critical or do you blame others? (Full Version)

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fireflyred -> Are you self-critical or do you blame others? (2/23/2007 9:35:49 AM)

At the lowest point or points in your life, looking back but being as unbiased and unforgiving as possible, did you find yourself blaming the world or yourself?

My Dom and i seem to disagree. We probably both have fanciful ideals as to what the perfect Master and the perfect Sub/Slave are. I see a Master as being a person who, when faced with a problem, finds solutions, takes command or takes whatever action he can to solve the problem. If others aren't cooperative, fuck them, handle it alone as best you can. Right? When faced with a consequence because of bad choices that he (as in a Dom) made, he does see his part of it and where he went wrong and where others maybe enabled him, but in the end he sees his error as his own. whether that realization takes a little while or comes after a bit of grumbling--hey, we're all human.

Do you look back on poor decisions made in your life as something that like, for example, if you were ignorant of the repricusions, or influanced or pressured by others, do you see it as something that outside circumstances MADE you do or do you look at it like I WAS responsible for the decision made, outside circumstances fucked with me, but I was in control of the bad choice making process, and that sucks, I'll learn and move on?

How do you feel about the concept of "Lead by example." If you aren't the biggest clean freak in the world and you let your things get disorganized, or consistantly don't clean up as you go along, then do you require it of others, and doesn't that complicate things.

If you feel as if you are being walked all over, do you say, well that sucks but isn't it the same old story.
or do you say, fuck that, quit walking all over me, and right the situation and restore order to the best of your ability.

I think that if you are blaming the world, then you must see yourself as not being in control of your world. And I don't mean the "Whole World" bare with me here, but unless the world and others outside yourself were in fact controlling you, then they wouldn't be to blame.

Thoughts opinions, describe your outlook on life in regard to this topic of self responsibility/control.



LaTigresse -> RE: Are you self-critical or do you blame others? (2/23/2007 9:42:20 AM)

I always take the responsibility because I put myself in the position regardless of what else is involved.




LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Are you self-critical or do you blame others? (2/23/2007 9:48:04 AM)

As always, there's a balance.  Too many people take on TOO MUCH for themselves, and too many people take on NOTHING for themselves.

Sometimes it really is someone else's problem, someone else's baggage, and life can just fuck someone over pretty darn hard.

Sometimes it really is your issue, your baggage and your choices.

I tend to see the difference in how a person chooses to DEAL with the situation they have and plan their future.



akisha -> RE: Are you self-critical or do you blame others? (2/23/2007 9:51:47 AM)

I take responsibility for myself. No one can be blamed for the decisions I make, just like I can't be blamed for thiers.

I have a sister who protrays that it's always someone elses fault. Her life is in chaos and will be until she starts taking responsibility for her own life.



Nosathro -> RE: Are you self-critical or do you blame others? (2/23/2007 9:51:50 AM)

greetings
 
I am my own worst critic.
 
I wish you well
 
Nosathro



SusanofO -> RE: Are you self-critical or do you blame others? (2/23/2007 10:48:00 AM)

I agree with LA. In general, IMO, if somebody is taking no repsonsibility for preventable mis-haps, etc. and usually is blaming others - they might be considered a sociopath (or at least a little pathalogical).

Somebody who is always taking too much responsibility for stuff that they had not much to do with, or that really is the fault of others, really is probably nuerotic in some ways.

Bottom line: If it's somebody I have to live with, I'd choose the latter, rather than the former (because at least it's nice to know they have a conscience, even if it's "over-active".)

- Susan



KatyLied -> RE: Are you self-critical or do you blame others? (2/23/2007 10:49:50 AM)

I blame myself even when it's obvious others are to blame.  I try to "fix" things, including relationships by being perfect (feel my stress).  It's a big dysfunction and one that I'm trying to outgrow.



windchymes -> RE: Are you self-critical or do you blame others? (2/23/2007 11:38:33 AM)

I was raised to take on responsibility and to accept responsibility when it is your own.  I probably have taken it too far to the extreme, though, because I am extremely self-critical and blame myself for most things. 

For example, marrying someone I knew was an alcoholic, thinking he would get help and everything would be all right because we were "in love".  When it turned into a disaster, though I probably still carry a little bit of anger at him for "being a jerk", I kick myself in the pants a lot harder for marrying him, even though I "should have known better."  I do try to chalk it up to experience and think of it as a learning experience, though, but I still berate myself sometimes.



SirDominic -> RE: Are you self-critical or do you blame others? (2/23/2007 11:45:02 AM)

Mistakes for me aren't about who's responsible. Rather what did I learn so it doesn't happen again. The blame game is one of the biggest time wasters in the world (unless you're a politician).

Namaste, Sir Dominic



marieToo -> RE: Are you self-critical or do you blame others? (2/23/2007 12:09:07 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: fireflyred

At the lowest point or points in your life, looking back but being as unbiased and unforgiving as possible, did you find yourself blaming the world or yourself?


I guess at times we are all 'victims' of circumstance to some degree.  I don't often find myself 'blaming' myself or finding "fault" with myself, but rather owning 'responsibility' for my own choices, actions, behaviors etc.  I think words such as blame and fault carry alot of negativety.  It makes much more sense to say "I am responsible for A B and C."  Than to say "I am at fault for A B and C". 
Taking responsibility for A B and C enables us to understand that our actions and the results they produce are directly related.  Therefore if we can act in a way that brought a negative result, we then realize that we can instead act in a way that will bring a positive result. 
I think lacking this understanding keeps alot of people on a treadmill of repeating cycles and believing that they are at the mercy of the world and everyone around them.  Its complete bullshit and they stay on that treadmill because they dont have the strength to own the fact that they should have or could have done something differently.  Once you get that, life becomes easier.  Its not shameful to take responsibility.  It is liberating in that it makes you realize that you are in complete control and you can use that control to bring better results.  But you need to recognize that you have it first.  So many people live their entire lives never understanding this.




BitaTruble -> RE: Are you self-critical or do you blame others? (2/23/2007 12:42:48 PM)

I take responsibility for my actions, inactions and reactions, but I didn't have a damn thing to do with the sinking of the Titanic. [;)]


Celeste



akisha -> RE: Are you self-critical or do you blame others? (2/23/2007 12:55:55 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SirDominic

Mistakes for me aren't about who's responsible. Rather what did I learn so it doesn't happen again. The blame game is one of the biggest time wasters in the world (unless you're a politician).

Namaste, Sir Dominic


I totally agree. It's like regret. Another wasted emotion. You can't change it so deal with it learn from it and move one *S*



Focus50 -> RE: Are you self-critical or do you blame others? (2/23/2007 1:24:21 PM)

I'm having a little difficulty isolating what you and your Dom disagree on....
 
From your 2nd paragraph:
quote:

ORIGINAL: fireflyred

I see a Master as being a person who, when faced with a problem, finds solutions, takes command or takes whatever action he can to solve the problem. If others aren't cooperative, fuck them, handle it alone as best you can. Right?
 
While I agree, this is more my attitude in general, not just as my girl's Master.  And I regard going it alone as more a reflection of my independent nature.  I'll go with a popular consensus only for so far as I agree with what's proposed....  However, it's still MY choice if I follow someone else's bad decision.  But none of this is because I'm wired to be a Dom and/or Master, it merely carries over into my M/s relationships naturally.
 
Remainder of 2nd paragraph:
quote:

When faced with a consequence because of bad choices that he (as in a Dom) made, he does see his part of it and where he went wrong and where others maybe enabled him, but in the end he sees his error as his own. whether that realization takes a little while or comes after a bit of grumbling--hey, we're all human.
 

Again, I agree.  As much as I loathe them, occasional bad choices are an inevitable consequence of decision making.  And when I choose poorly, *nobody* is harder on me than that smartarse in the mirror - which is why I don't appreciate others pointing out the obvious.  When you pare it down to the most basic, the only person you have to live with is yourself and there's absolutely nowhere to hide when I'm pissed at myself over a bad choice.
 
But there also comes a time when you hafta forgive yourself otherwise you'll collapse under the weight of guilt.  Mistakes are a lesson you need to pay attention to.  Everyone makes mistakes; a fool is someone who repeats the same mistakes....
 
Focus.



FrankAr -> RE: Are you self-critical or do you blame others? (2/23/2007 2:13:06 PM)

Greetings fire,

Have to redo this, because collarme chat elapsed, and the reply was soooo cool....just laughs away.

I don't make mistakes, I just adapt.

The reality, I am just me.  I make a decision and have in the back of my mind many different adaptions that I can make.  If something goes wrong or if someone goes a course that I don't like, then I just adapt.

Be well.

Frank Ar.




agirl -> RE: Are you self-critical or do you blame others? (2/23/2007 2:36:46 PM)

If you're speaking about *looking back*.......then it depends where you happen to be WHEN you're looking back........With more and more hindsight and knowledge of ourselves, we often rewrite history. In the *moment* we do what we do with the tools, knowledge and emotions we have right then. 

There are always situations that we'd behave differently in, and decisions we probably would make differently if we were the person we are NOW.

Sometimes when I look back.......I realise that the motives I THOUGHT I had at the time don't tally with the knowledge I have of myself NOW; I may have been lying to myself for some reason or I have simply changed and grown.

Retrospect, for me, is a springboard........there's no great desire to find or apportion blame, really ......usually I just want to understand.

If I'm being *walked over* then I've allowed it, no matter how understandable it is. I grumble about it a little but eventually I have to suck the nasty tasting sweetie or fix it. The choice is always there.

My mouth sometimes says.* It's not fair, it's not my fault* while my mind is saying * Yeah, RIGHT, you're not fooling HIM and you're not fooling ME* It's a delaying tactic and it's a cop out. Sometimes I cop out.
Basically, I want to be as critical as I ought to be and as understanding as I need to be............I have varying success with both.

As for *leading by example*......M does.........infuriatingly so.

I tend to use myself as AN example, with the sproglings.............lol.

agirl  



Padriag -> RE: Are you self-critical or do you blame others? (2/23/2007 3:09:24 PM)

"Are you self-critical or do you blame others"

Both... I blame my other personalities. [;)]

Kidding

In all honesty, I don't spend that much time worrying about it.  I've had perhaps more than my fair share of low points in my life... some were my mostly my fault, some were things I had no control over.  I don't dwell on it, I'm too busy dealing with right now, planning for and working towards my future.  While it is true we learn more from our mistakes than our successes, it is also true only the dead can live in the past.  For those of us still drawing breath, we can live in today and hope for tomorrow.  We can only do the best job of that we know how, and that will always be limited by what we know... and when we knew it.

As for responsibility, I'm always responsible for myself (whether I want to be or not).  Even in situations beyond my control I'm still responsible for how I choose to react... and that's always my choice.  Some days I do a better job with that than others.  Like anyone I have weak moments, moments of thoughtlessness or carelessness.  All I, or anyone, can do is make the effort to do what we think is best at the time.  If later we see we were wrong, we can try to correct that, or at least learn from it.

As for poor decisions I've made, I realize two things.  At the time I made what I believed was the best decision I could under the circumstances with the information I had.  I've never deliberately done something stupid, never intentionally tried to screw up.  I have done stupid things and I have screwed up, but it happened while trying to do what I thought best.  Hindsight is always 20/20... foresight never is.  If I'm going to reproach myself for anything, it won't be for the mistake I made then... it'll be for repeating it later.

Lead by example works for some things, not for others.  I demonstrate the discipline I expect by being self-disciplined.  I'm not demonstrating how to give a blow job! LOL

If I feel I'm being walked over, I put a stop to it.  Its as simple as that.  Doing so rarely requires anger, and resentment is never allowed.  It may be as direct as a firm confrontation, or it may take the form of disengaging from a pointless argument.  As the song says,"you got to know when to hold them, know when to fold them, know when to walk away, and know when to run..." good advice that.

You can't spend your life second guessing yourself, it leads no where.  And while I don't advocate taking blind chances... we all must take risks in life.  For me, I've made peace with the fact that no matter what or how hard I try, I'll make mistakes again.  There are risks I will take that will not work out and I'll lose (as I have plenty of times before).  That's life.  What I ask myself when considering whether to take a chance, is not whether I'm assured of winning... but rather, can I deal with it assuming I lose.  So long as I can handle the consequences of failure... what then do I really have to lose by trying (and always trying my best)?  In that, much fear evaporates and much freedom is found.  In that, one becomes rich enough to lose; and if one is rich enough to lose, one can be generous to others when fault is being found.  In short... so long as I know that I can handle losing, I have no fear of taking the chance.  And if I do lose, I have no need to worry about who's fault it was... because I already know I will survive.  Assigning blame is a pointless exercise for those governed by fear.  Assigning blame never profited anyone anything, but it has cost many their lives.

So... who do I tend to blame, myself or the world... neither.  I don't really care who's fault it was.  What I want to know is, what are we going to do about it?  And if you know you can deal with it... then what are you worried about?



subsa -> RE: Are you self-critical or do you blame others? (2/23/2007 3:27:50 PM)

i tend to be one of those people that takes waaaay too much responsibility.  it has been pointed out to me that it can be considered a form of arrogance.  you think you influence more than you actually do.  it's something i'm working on.
Katy:  how is that coming?  i too try to be 'perfect' to fix everything.  its incredibly stressful especially when being 'perfect' doesn't fix the problem.  just looking for any insights you've had on how to stop.  



Ariel -> RE: Are you self-critical or do you blame others? (2/23/2007 3:38:28 PM)

In my last 2 years of reading these boards, this post has to be the best response I have ever read... KUDOS to you Padriag, I do not think anyone could have answered this question better then you have. Thank you for taking the time.



sambamanslilgirl -> RE: Are you self-critical or do you blame others? (2/23/2007 3:58:09 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: fireflyred

Do you look back on poor decisions made in your life as something that like, for example, if you were ignorant of the repricusions, or influanced or pressured by others, do you see it as something that outside circumstances MADE you do or do you look at it like I WAS responsible for the decision made, outside circumstances fucked with me, but I was in control of the bad choice making process, and that sucks, I'll learn and move on?



if i chose to do something and it backfired on me,  i have no right to blame anyone or any influence but myself. it's called taking responsiblility for your own actions since i'm the person who's in control. Daddy has instilled that type of thinking in me after i did my first and only public spanking at a bar. i really didn't think about the consequences when i did it however i did blame the guys in the band for daring me to get spanked by the Dommes at this bar.  it was one of the longest lectures Daddy ever pounded into my head until realizing i was the one who had the control to say "no" and i didn't.



MadRabbit -> RE: Are you self-critical or do you blame others? (2/23/2007 4:51:13 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: fireflyred

At the lowest point or points in your life, looking back but being as unbiased and unforgiving as possible, did you find yourself blaming the world or yourself?



When I was lost in my own immaturity and in a really low place in my life, I blamed everyone else. To take responsibility would mean I would have had to admit I did something wrong. To admit I did something was wrong wasnt something my low self esteem could handle at the time.

However, the defining moment I think that changed all that was when I started to accept that I was gonna fuck it all up. That I was going to fail, make mistakes, and make bad deciisons. That I was going to make a fool out of myself, make an ass out of myself, and be labeled as weird by some person or another. That I was going to get stressed out, get angry, and snap at people. That no matter how perfecct I strived to be, some people were still gonna not like me and probably somewhere at least one was gonna hate me.

Once I began to make peace with the fact that I was an imperfect human being, I began to think in "What I can do" rather than "What I cant do."

Now...I dont blame anybody (or at least try to remember not to =) )..

quote:



Do you look back on poor decisions made in your life as something that like, for example, if you were ignorant of the repricusions, or influanced or pressured by others, do you see it as something that outside circumstances MADE you do or do you look at it like I WAS responsible for the decision made, outside circumstances fucked with me, but I was in control of the bad choice making process, and that sucks, I'll learn and move on?



Now that I have grown a lot and matured a lot, I base the reality of my life around the philosophy that I am the only person who decides how I live my life. But at the same time...you have to seperate things into things that are in your control and things that are not in your control.

My decisions, my actions, and my behavior are in my control. However, the weather and the flat tire last night are not in my control.

I think the trick is to learn to accept what isnt in your control and learn how to respond to it in a way so that you are the one influencing your enviroment and not the other way around.

Control freaks try and control things that arent within their control. My opinion is that a Dominant controls what he can control so he can respond and influence the things that arent.

quote:



How do you feel about the concept of "Lead by example." If you aren't the biggest clean freak in the world and you let your things get disorganized, or consistantly don't clean up as you go along, then do you require it of others, and doesn't that complicate things.



I feal a dominant has to beleive in "Lead by Example" to expect any submissive to respect his authority. "Do as I say, not as I do" doesnt work too well on children, much less grown adults. If you require a submissive to exercise, you have to exercise as well.

However, you cant confuse "Lead By Example" with "Lead Only If You Are Perfect". Sleeping in one day and skipping exercise doesnt mean you are disqualified or an incomptent leader. A dominant who cant forgive himself a bit for not being perfect wont forgive a submissive for not being perfect.

In the end, it all boils down to self awareness and honesty with yourself. You have to keep the same standards with your submissive as you do for yourself.

quote:



If you feel as if you are being walked all over, do you say, well that sucks but isn't it the same old story.
or do you say, fuck that, quit walking all over me, and right the situation and restore order to the best of your ability.



No matter how dominant you are, the real world has a wonderful way of not only walking all over you, but trampling you straight into the fucking ground when there is very little you can do about it. Sometimes saying "Fuck that" when a boss is walking all over you means losing a job that you need to feed your children. In the end, its all about how you handle things and respond to things that arent within your control.

quote:



I think that if you are blaming the world, then you must see yourself as not being in control of your world. And I don't mean the "Whole World" bare with me here, but unless the world and others outside yourself were in fact controlling you, then they wouldn't be to blame.



Blame is a complete waste of time. As far as the issue of "controlling your world", it falls back into the category of what you can control and what you cant control.



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