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Sub with potential but how far... - 2/24/2007 5:45:55 PM   
freshfaced


Posts: 12
Joined: 1/14/2005
Status: offline 		I have met a very cute Asian girl who is allowing me to experiment in some power exchange and master/slave situations. We have had a very intense first week and she has expressed a desire to please me. I have attempted to correct behaviours with punishment and she has responded. She calls me Sir and I am pleased with the progress that she has made. However, I am faced with a dilemma....should I pressure her to go to the next level or should I effectively set her free. She won't talk about the past much and its clear that there is an issue there that is somehow related to her need to submit and be used. The right thing to do seems to be to find out about this issue and earn some trust so that she can submit more fully but I have a concern about using her and damaging her if there is a psychological aspect connected to a negative experience that is driving her submission. Does this make sense?
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RE: Sub with potential but how far... - 2/24/2007 5:57:52 PM   
KenDckey


Posts: 4121
Joined: 5/31/2006
Status: offline 		In the for what it is worth category

I used to run with a bunch of Chinese - men and women.   At least the group that I ran with and they said it was their culture was that men routinely disciplined their women, but not necessarily in a BDSM context.  Assuming that this is true, and I have not spent any time in the Far East, and assuming the asian that you refer to comes from such a culture and is first or second or maybe even thrid generation, then it is well within the possibility that it is culturally based.

One of the problems that the police found in one california city was that the Hmong population kidnapped their young women as a part of the courting cerimonies.  Definate conflict with American law and tradition, but for them culturally normal.

there could be a whole myraid of reasons and you may never find out what they are.   good luck

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RE: Sub with potential but how far... - 2/24/2007 6:07:48 PM   
BabyNyla


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I had past problems from my childhood that affect certain parts of my submission ... luckily my husband is very patient with me ... and he lets me open up when I want to ... so as time goes on I tell him more and more ... and there are still somethings that I haven't told him ... although for me it does not have to do with trust ... it's more embarassment and shame for me than anything.  And I also know that others won't agree with being patient and letting her come to you on her own time ...but that is what worked for me.


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RE: Sub with potential but how far... - 2/24/2007 6:10:13 PM   
BabyNyla


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and I will add ... to feed off Ken's post ... that I have spent most of my life living in Japan ... and yes, Asians are very reserved and often do not open up about things ... so when I read your post ... I was thinking in my head "good luck with  that"


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RE: Sub with potential but how far... - 2/24/2007 6:47:35 PM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline 		And when you say "met", you mean r/l - right?  I mean, this thread isn't gonna suddenly end up with a belated aside that this is an online only relationship, is it?
 
Anyway, though I personally have little knowledge of the Japanese culture or psyche, one whole week hardly seems enough to expect *anyone* to unload all their personal demons!  There is no time limit on what it takes for someone to trust you that much; it's entirely a matter of what you earn from them.  And I'd suggest the more you push it right now, the longer it'll take....
 
Backing off and being a friend might be a better option because it sounds like this relationship is all about kink - hardly the stuff of a soul-mate who she'd trust with her innermost secrets....
 
Focus.

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RE: Sub with potential but how far... - 2/24/2007 7:17:35 PM   
freshfaced


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Status: offline 		Lets not assume that she is Japanese, she isn't. Although these confusions often occur in a game of Chinese Whispers. (she's not Chinese either by the way). I had considered the cultural aspects of her need to submit.

Yes this is r/l.

Take your point about it only being a week. At the back of my mind is a sense of guilt that this is only for my physical / mental satisfaction. Does that sense take her needs into account - maybe it does, maybe it doesn't?   

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RE: Sub with potential but how far... - 2/24/2007 7:28:45 PM   
innatedesire


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Joined: 8/21/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50

And when you say "met", you mean r/l - right?  I mean, this thread isn't gonna suddenly end up with a belated aside that this is an online only relationship, is it?
 
Anyway, though I personally have little knowledge of the Japanese culture or psyche, one whole week hardly seems enough to expect *anyone* to unload all their personal demons!  There is no time limit on what it takes for someone to trust you that much; it's entirely a matter of what you earn from them.  And I'd suggest the more you push it right now, the longer it'll take....
 
Backing off and being a friend might be a better option because it sounds like this relationship is all about kink - hardly the stuff of a soul-mate who she'd trust with her innermost secrets....
 
Focus.


I agree, you can not expect someone to just pour thier heart and soul out after one week.  It takes time and while she may trust you to enough to submit on a physical level it does not mean that she is ready to submit on a emotional level. 
And while her cultural background may have some influence as to her reluctance to open up, i am sure there are many other factors that you need to take into consideration as well.  I certainly would never open up to someone that i had known only a week, but then  again i would not  even be "submitting" in  any fashion, it would still be in the getting to know you phase, but that is just me and YMMV.
Give her time, if that does not work for you then move on and look elsewhere, but i will tell you everyone has baggage, some have it neatly stored in a  carry on, others require a sky cap; so you may find it very  difficult to find anyone who is willing bare all in a week.


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RE: Sub with potential but how far... - 2/24/2007 7:30:35 PM   
krikket


Posts: 1183
Joined: 11/17/2004
From: Washington, DC Metro Area
Status: offline 		Also in the for what it's worth category:

It honestly doesn't matter whether it's culture or background or nature, the simple fact is that your relationship with her is in very early stages.  Have You been able to open up to her in all important areas? Have ya'll even have the time?  i guess i don't see the harm, right now, in being patient with her -- there are probably times when she'll need to be patient with you as well. 

Just a thought...

jimini

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RE: Sub with potential but how far... - 2/24/2007 7:37:04 PM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
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From: Newcastle, Australia
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quote:

ORIGINAL: freshfaced

Lets not assume that she is Japanese, she isn't. Although these confusions often occur in a game of Chinese Whispers. (she's not Chinese either by the way). I had considered the cultural aspects of her need to submit.

Yes this is r/l.

Take your point about it only being a week. At the back of my mind is a sense of guilt that this is only for my physical / mental satisfaction. Does that sense take her needs into account - maybe it does, maybe it doesn't?   

Oops, my mistake....  lol  "Japan" stuck in my head from reading BabyNyla's previous post to mine.  Nonetheless, if you simply substitute "Asian" for where I wrote "Japanese", the statement remains true.
 
Focus.

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RE: Sub with potential but how far... - 2/24/2007 8:22:57 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		It's time to have an honest talk with her about how she feels and make a date for next week.

That's about it I would say.  Why the rush?  If you both feel ready to push ahead, then go for it, but don't agonize about it solo- you gotta talk together.

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RE: Sub with potential but how far... - 2/24/2007 8:29:32 PM   
DiurnalVampire


Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		My humble opinion, wait and see if your concerns are even founded. Ther emight not be any deeper need or issues behind her submission.  And if there are, she may have to trust you more before you will ever find them out.  Pushing for information will not work. If youve only been togerher for such a short time, i think its jumping the gun a bit to think you are at that important crossroads already of pusing or releasing.  Let the relaitonship go where its going. I ahve been in my relationship for 8 months and there are still trust and communication things to be worked out. Its always changing, it doesnt happen overnight.

Patience, itll do you good.
DV

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RE: Sub with potential but how far... - 2/24/2007 11:06:20 PM   
Sinergy


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Joined: 4/26/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: freshfaced

Lets not assume that she is Japanese, she isn't. Although these confusions often occur in a game of Chinese Whispers. (she's not Chinese either by the way). I had considered the cultural aspects of her need to submit.

Yes this is r/l.

Take your point about it only being a week. At the back of my mind is a sense of guilt that this is only for my physical / mental satisfaction. Does that sense take her needs into account - maybe it does, maybe it doesn't?   


I wish you success in your endeavors, freshfaced.

There is much that you can learn from this lifestyle, but realize going in that there may be landmines you step in as you learn the ropes.

You are taking your relationship to a place that blurs the line between cognitive and limbic system awareness.  I can only point out that your best chance involves communication and understanding that she may enter places in her head where she has little or no control over her actions, emotions, feelings.

Edited to say that the rewards are great, but the rewards only amount to the effort you put into them.

Sinergy

< Message edited by Sinergy -- 2/24/2007 11:07:06 PM >

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RE: Sub with potential but how far... - 2/24/2007 11:32:26 PM   
MagiksSlave


Posts: 2768
Joined: 9/11/2006
Status: offline 		If there are negative reasons such as abuse that are at the core of her submition then there may be a problem in the future if you dont at least start to talk anout these thing.. bring it up and go slow she will say what she is comfertable with but if there are those reasons behind it they may come out in a less then favorable way.. Also your play may trigger bad emotions within her.. You need to talk with her and even more importent search within yourself and deside if YOUR comfertable continueing things.

Magik's slave

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RE: Sub with potential but how far... - 2/25/2007 12:20:20 AM   
freshfaced


Posts: 12
Joined: 1/14/2005
Status: offline 		Thank you all for your insightful and thoughtful input.

sub has asked if she can come over and talk tonight. Perhaps she will shed some more light on her head space.

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RE: Sub with potential but how far... - 2/25/2007 6:49:08 AM   
SirDominic


Posts: 711
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline 		I can understand the rush of the intensity of that first week, and your eagerness to delve deeper. You need to start thinking of this relationship as a feast, to be savored slowly and completely, rather than a fast food meal that you gulp down. As long as you are both satisfied with how it is going, don't try to pressure her to go to the next level. Doing that you will likely overwhelm her, and not in a good way. Slow down the pace, and keep the intensity high. She will give you the signs when she is ready to go to that next level. So pay attention to her reactions carefully.

And of course, communicate, communicate, communicate.

Namaste, Sir Dominic

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