RE: How do I get over being too nice as a domme (Full Version)

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lonewolf05 -> RE: How do I get over being too nice as a domme (7/6/2005 7:04:32 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Kittywithklaws

I'm fairly new to the lifestyle. IN a great relationship. I'm the domme in the relationship, which is how i like it[;)] Anyway, during the day I spend most of my time being "nice". I'm a server so my job is to be thier lbitch with a smile until they give me a few dollars. I 'm very good at my job and in general im a nice person. However, I'm trying to get over the "nice" part of me when my b/f and I play. What's wrong with being a nice domme? nuttin i guess. id perfer to get over it though. Like i said, im still fairly new so maybe ill learn in time. but i was hioping to see if ne one had ne suggestions on how to help me get over being "nice. also ne suggestions how how to be not nice are very welcome!

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quote:

one had ne suggestions on how to help me get over being "nice. also ne suggestions how how to be not nice are very welcome!

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okay, if You insist. see if You can make a mental switch like a light switch in Your head?
my 1st was a pro domme and that is what She used.
the wolf




McWhips -> RE: How do I get over being too nice as a domme (7/7/2005 12:10:47 PM)

I think in order to be meaner you need to detatch fantasy from reality and know that as nasty as you could be you dont really mean it in a bad way and its for the enjoyment of you both as part of a role you play.




AAkasha -> RE: How do I get over being too nice as a domme (7/7/2005 12:14:25 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kittywithklaws

I'm fairly new to the lifestyle. IN a great relationship. I'm the domme in the relationship, which is how i like it[;)] Anyway, during the day I spend most of my time being "nice". I'm a server so my job is to be thier lbitch with a smile until they give me a few dollars. I 'm very good at my job and in general im a nice person. However, I'm trying to get over the "nice" part of me when my b/f and I play. What's wrong with being a nice domme? nuttin i guess. id perfer to get over it though. Like i said, im still fairly new so maybe ill learn in time. but i was hioping to see if ne one had ne suggestions on how to help me get over being "nice. also ne suggestions how how to be not nice are very welcome!


Here's part of an article for my web site I wrote just a couple of weeks ago about this very topic. I snipped a lot of it and just kept the middle part:

**

You do NOT have to be a bitch!

I think most men are attracted to different types of dominance, far more than they are to the stereotypical “cruel bitch” that is common in literature and porn. I’d like to offer a few alternatives to the “cruel bitch” that I think are just as effective – and much more natural and fun – for women to embrace.

Here are a few “styles” of dominance that I’ve used:

1. The playful, unpredictable domina.
She smiles a lot. She’s mischievous. She clearly is enjoying what she is doing, and she’s treating her partner like he’s a bit of a plaything. She likes to use the element of surprise a lot – blindfolds, guessing games. Because she almost seems innocent and merely amused by it all, the moments when she gets slightly serious or does something unpredictably scary, she can become incredibly intimidating. Key to this demeanor is to not be too “over the top” with silliness; she’s not silly, she’s merely amused. Her smiles are subtle and leave a lot to the imagination.

2. The aloof, mysterious domina
She may not say as much, but her expressions give it all away. She may offer a slight smile now and then, a bit of a smirk, but she does not give away much information about what she is thinking, and it makes her partner feel more vulnerable and helpless. She adopts a sort of cool, confident sensual aura about her and does things slow and deliberate. She enjoys moments of pause, just to stare at him and make him uneasy. She is the type to slowly pull a riding crop out and slide her hand through it while staring at his eyes. She makes it a point to be hard to read – he can never know what she is thinking. When she speaks, it is usually a simple command – she doesn’t even need to raise her voice though, he’s listening with rapt attention.

3. The sensual siren
This domina uses her sexuality and her sexual self confidence to unnerve her partner. She is a constant tease, doing things like revealing a little thigh and taunting him for looking, or straddling his lap and brushing her lips across his. She knows that he wants her very badly, and she likes to toy with that. She makes him express to her how badly he wants her – she constantly keeps him on the edge.


Of course, none of these are 100% -- some women use all sorts of mixes of them. But when you read these examples, you’ll see that none of these demeanors use things like raising the voice, using profanity, being unnecessarily cruel, or being extremely stern.


Akasha




MHOO314 -> RE: How do I get over being too nice as a domme (7/7/2005 12:59:46 PM)

Smiles, many subs tell Me I look like the girl next door, I love being nice it makes the wicked contrast so much better!




LadyKim -> RE: How do I get over being too nice as a domme (7/7/2005 1:18:29 PM)

Something that gets me with what you are saying......

You are trying to be what you are not. Can you see a problem with that thought?

Trying to be something you are not doesn't work in the long haul. I would suggest following some of the advise posted about granting yourself permission. I'm a very sweet and nice person, but I have a sadistic streak a mile wide. I can be extremely cruel and never stop smiling or being sweet.

Using the dicotomy of nice and sadistic can be very powerful. We all have times we are not so nice............even Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz lost her temper. Find what allows you to let that part of you out.......... rather than trying to fake it. Faking it...... doesn't work for either of you.

Good luck
MzKim




LadyKim -> RE: How do I get over being too nice as a domme (7/7/2005 1:19:29 PM)

Ok.......... it has me as vanilla on here............ would someone please tell me how the heck to change that. After 19 years in this lifestyle, the only vanilla I like is in my Diet Pepsi.




quietkitten -> RE: How do I get over being too nice as a domme (7/7/2005 1:21:57 PM)

It changes the more you post




LadyKim -> RE: How do I get over being too nice as a domme (7/7/2005 1:23:31 PM)

Thanks quietkitten. I'm not much for posting in the forums, so I guess that would explain it.

Have a great day.




caitlyn -> RE: How do I get over being too nice as a domme (7/7/2005 2:48:29 PM)

I don't know if my opinion has much merit, but I'm never going to reach the exhaulted "kinky" status if I don't post more. So here goes.

You are about my age, and if you are anything like me you have a ton of internal issues that you don't really want to talk about because you know you will outgrow them and at any rate you may be sick of being beat over the head with them.

Caitlyn, what the hell does that mean?

Well, I can only tell you this. To me excitement in a relationship is #1, 2, 3, 4 & 5 on my list of what I'm looking for ... and one thing is sure, a little harshness, drama, fighting, tension, all those things that make you angry, have butterflies, put you on the emotional rollercoaster ... all those things drive you nuts, but they are at least exciting!!!

Call me crazy, but I have never been able to exist for long in a relationship where everything is going well. Ever heard that song from Garbage "I'm Only Happy When It Rains"? Lots of people feel that way, especially people I have met over the last few months that are into this.

Also, for whatever reason and even if it means I need therapy, when someone is really, really nice to me my trust-o-meter just goes through the roof. I start thinking that they have some sort of motive or that things are too good to be true so they must not be.

I know that's completely insane ... I'm 18, sue me.

I guess the point to this ramble is that I completely understand why you want to be a little harder or harsher of whatever you want to call it. It's a fine line really ... you don't want to be a complete jerk but you want to be someone that sort of makes the other person have to work to have a relationship with you, and I would guess that deep down inside you probably want the same thing, to have to work for the relationship.

Anythign worth having is worth working for ... right? If a relationship is easy and comes easy it's probably not worth having.

With that said, this is my opinion and I will be the first to admit that I don't know jack about real or good relationships. I'm still in the "boyfriend of the week" phase and haven't outgrown that yet.

Thanks for listening ... caitlyn




MrThorns -> RE: How do I get over being too nice as a domme (7/7/2005 5:01:56 PM)

Being nice, is not such a bad thing. So many people have the impression that dominants must maintain some form of "Doom and Gloom" about them at all times, but I really understand what you are getting at.

I guess he best advice that I can offer is for you to explore your inner beastie in a controlled environment. Explain your desire to find your darker side with your partner...detail some things that you would like to experiment with: (Extreme humiliation/objectification, harsh physical play/body percussion, toilet training...whatever seems to feed your "Beast".)

Find someone to observe your play. (When exploring your really Evil self, sometimes it is good to have someone nearby, who is not in Top Space, who can help maintain control, should things go beyond the parameters you had set beforehand.)

If you want to experiment with heavy floggings...throwing your whole body behind each stroke...I would suggest starting with lighter weight toys and working your way up. Really let yourself go and get a feel for what it's like before moving on to toys that may cause serious damage.

Good luck...I truly hope you find your beastie.

~Thorns




Mani2005 -> RE: How do I get over being too nice as a domme (7/7/2005 9:30:01 PM)

You're pretty cute...I'm sure somebody would be happy to beat some evil into ya *smiles*




GentleLady -> RE: How do I get over being too nice as a domme (7/9/2005 2:57:56 AM)

quote:

I don't know if my opinion has much merit, but I'm never going to reach the exhaulted "kinky" status if I don't post more. So here goes.
....snip...
I know that's completely insane ... I'm 18, sue me.

caitlyn

I believe that everyone's opinion has some merit. Your post did not sound insane even though it did sound like an 18 year old....and I have nothing against being 18. I was that age at some point and what you posted is close to what I felt at the time. You made Me smile and remember where I have come from. This is a good thing because it gives Me the opportunity to look at the changes in My beliefs about life and re-evaluate them in light of My experiences. I used to sabatage every relationship to make sure it did not become a 'good' one. And I have only recently been able to allow someone to be good to Me without My trust-o-meter blowing up.

Gentle Lady


edited for a typo I missed the first time




caitlyn -> RE: How do I get over being too nice as a domme (7/10/2005 2:09:36 PM)

Thanks for the very cool reply GentleLady. [:D]




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