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RE: When you got involved in reali-life bdsm, did your ... - 2/25/2007 12:33:07 PM   
domiguy


Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Part of the coming out process for homosexuals involves a stage where EVERYTHING becomes focused around their sexuality- their friends, their interests, their perspectives.  It's very natural and normal to get sucked into this "big new thing" that you're trying to find a comfort level with in relation to the world as you are.

Normally, over time, a balance is reached and the person isn't SO overinvolved to the exclusion of other things.  They relax and become comfortable (and realize that this "one part" of their lives, as encompassing as it is, it not at all the whole of themselves), and just go with where life takes them.  They are no longer fully defined by that one big new thing.

I unfortunately know too many people who don't have any non-scene friends or life interests outside of the scene.  While I am a switch, and while I am active in the scene, it's not at all my whole life and I'd never want it to be.  But I understand the process and when it happens, I just let them go their course and wait for them to gain their own balance.


Excellent post. I always find it rather startling when someone eats,shits, and breathes this lifestyle...I think what a boring person this would be to spend time with...There is a balance to everything in life from work to play, from real life concerns of spending time with family to paying bills...Spending too much time focused on any one area is usually detrimental in the long run and is also kinda creepy.

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RE: Involvement in real-life bdsm; did "vanilla&qu... - 2/25/2007 12:35:25 PM   
junecleaver


Posts: 1145
Joined: 4/6/2005
Status: offline 		This is why I feel odd using the term vanilla versus BDSM.  What exactly is vanilla?  Is going to the mall with my Dominant vanilla?  Is the fact that he brings me my favorite kind of jelly beans when I've had a bad day instead of chaining me to the bed vanilla?  Because I think of his Dominance as an extension of his boyfriend-ness.  He is my boyfriend, therefore he is my Dominant.  That's just how -our- relationship works.  He's in control.  It doesn't matter if we're watching a movie, folding clothes, scene-ing, etc etc.  Even during the most boring monotomous 'vanilla' tasks...he's in control.  Control doesn't always come in the form of pulling my hair and tying me up.

Generally, I get interested in a particular hobby, obsess over it, and then it just becomes one of those things I enjoy that are a regular part of my life.  I guess BDSM could be like that for some people.  I think for me, BDSM is a label that the dynamic of my relationship would fall under and a label for some of the activities that happen during my relationship but it's not as casual as a hobby.   Because of the particular circumstances in my life, I don't think I ever got to go into frenzy mode.  I researched obsessively but my life has never been and probably will never be 'all about the scene.'

And as far as being afraid of losing 'something' in your life even if it's just hobbies....

dreams change and the things we enjoy change.  life has not been and will not always be about book clubs and volunteer work. 


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"No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there's too much fraternizing with the enemy. "
--Henry A. Kissinger

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RE: When you got involved in reali-life bdsm, did your ... - 2/25/2007 12:36:26 PM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		mstrjx: I agree with you they should enjoy their partners. Then I hear the talk about how "submission isn't always easy" etc. etc. - so go figure. I usually just figure these folks have not ever been married, he (no insult intended - it was a joke). But - then I start to wonder - well, what are their Dominants really asking-expecting them to do? Is it "unreasonable"? Not if they've agreed to it, I guess (which is the reason for my question, in part).

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 2/25/2007 12:52:55 PM >

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"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to SusanofO)
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RE: Involvement in real-life bdsm; did "vanilla&qu... - 2/25/2007 12:40:14 PM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		porthuronsub: I am not sure what you were trying to say, and I agree with you there are vanilla women who are in domestic abuse situations. The difference of course, is that they are not being abused - because the relationship is consensual (presumably). If they are being non-consensually abused, I think they should leave.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 2/25/2007 12:54:38 PM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

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RE: When you got involved in reali-life bdsm, did your ... - 2/25/2007 12:48:39 PM   
TemptingNviceSub


Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline 		I dunno...being a novice as well..all I can think is, that with anything, it is a matter of balance and priorities..and that comes in my mind as something that is developed between the two in the dynamic..Priorities change with time and circumstances, and I think the same thing may apply to BDSM and D/s..and to me even whilst in the midst of vanilla activities or friends..the D/s is a mindeset and will always be there, just sometimes more obvious then others...Tempting...I doubt I have answered your question well enough Susan, lacking experience, this is just simply my uptake on it...good thread however...Tempting

(in reply to SusanofO)
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RE: When you got involved in reali-life bdsm, did your ... - 2/25/2007 12:51:58 PM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		I appreciate all the replies, people, Thanks a bunch.

- Susan 

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to TemptingNviceSub)
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RE: Involvement in real-life bdsm; did "vanilla&qu... - 2/25/2007 12:52:48 PM   
softcoresicko


Posts: 41
Joined: 1/11/2007
Status: offline 		SusanofO: Thanks for raising this question.  I've been wondering about the balance of vanilla and BDSM within a long term relationship myself.  It can be hard to know just how...consuming the lifestyle can be when you're on the outside looking in. 

I try to remind myself that if I frequent BDSM sites, naturally I'm going to get a skewed view of things, with a focus on BDSM (and how BDSM impacts the lives of others) to the exclusion of more vanilla persuits.  This doesn't mean they don't exist, just that they aren't the primary focus of most of the conversations around here.

Again, thanks for the food for thought.


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The Rocky Horror Picture Show

(in reply to SusanofO)
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RE: Involvement in real-life bdsm; did "vanilla&qu... - 2/25/2007 12:53:48 PM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline 		our relationship did not come about through "vanilla" means.  we specifically sought out BDSM friendly people for friendship and possibly more, not on a "search for the One"...both of us, with varied backgrounds and time spent involved in WIITWD had come to the conclusion that if we ever entered into an intimate long term relationship again, it would be based on a mutual understanding and agreement that it's basis would be 24-7 M/s.
 
we have known each other for 4 years, lived together for 3, and every day there are things this slave does or submits to EXACTLY the way that pleases Master---not the way she would do if she wasn't concerned with and focused on pleasing Him.
 
there have been a handful of times, a casual business dinner or family gathering type that this slave "acts" the vanilla wife, (even before becoming His wife)...and every time one of these vanilla folks asks "so, Beth, what do you do?"  this slave's standard reply is "pleasing Him....making Him happy" because that is job one for this slave.
 
this slave has mentioned on these boards before that FOR HER, having "alone time", or "filling herself up" with activities focused solely on her and her particular individual interests are not a requirement for this slave to be a healthy, happy individual or slave.  if she had felt that FOR HER, it was important to maintain some degree of independent activities, she would not have entered into a Master/slave relationship.  she would have remained self-identified as submissive and set boundaries/limits for any Dom interested in her to adhere to, which, depending on the relationship negotiated, would most likely include time spent controlled by this slave, to behave and interact with others however she would choose, vanilla or not.

(in reply to SusanofO)
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RE: Involvement in real-life bdsm; did "vanilla&qu... - 2/25/2007 12:57:54 PM   
sambamanslilgirl


Posts: 10926
Joined: 2/5/2007
From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline 		afternoon, Susan and everyone,

to answer your question, my "nilla" life will always be a part of who i am even if i wasn't a submissive.  yet, i believe the submissive part of me enhances my life and daily activities outside the BDSM community.  i still do volunteer work in the community by attending CAPs(Community and Police)meetings as well as the church i attend - yeah i even wear my collar in the House of God.  i review concerts around town for a net radtio station - so i'm constantly in the public eye and/or on the air co-hosting a show.  plus more importantly, i'm a mother of 2 UMs which means i'm constantly on the go between doc appts and specialists to school meetings.  my other interests/hobbies haven't changed only exploring and experiencing new ones which i don't wrote home to tell my mother. LOL

i'm still the same old me who writes short stories about vampire lust and love and a rock-n-roll love triangle (currently have 2 novels in the works) ...who still hangs out with her gfs for lunch and/or co-workers for drinks (though i don't drink) ...i could list more but don't want to take up a lot of bandwidth.  i'm merely the same person before Daddy found and chose me however only better for everyone around me.


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...2011 - year of the fabulous rock star life ...and i do it so well...


...announcing Mr. & Mrs. British Petrol ...yeah, marrying into oil is slick business...

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Involvement in real-life bdsm; did "vanilla&qu... - 2/25/2007 1:05:34 PM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		I appreciate the thoughtful replies.

junecleaver: Yeah, I guess that is why I can get confused as far as people calling it a "life-style". I guess it can be, since it involves such a pervasive influence as far as the "why" someone is doing what they do sometimes (if it is because someone else expects it), but I am never quite sure just what they are actually referring to (although Mercnbeth's post did clear this up for me, to a degree).

For some reason, I always seem to picture folks dressed in leather, in a basement dungeon, only coming upstairs for air, and sustenance when absolutely necessary. That's probably unfair, and I have my doubts just how often it exists. But I ask the question because I have little real life experience, compared to many.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 2/25/2007 1:07:58 PM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to sambamanslilgirl)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Involvement in real-life bdsm; did "vanilla&qu... - 2/25/2007 1:37:35 PM   
domiguy


Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline 		It's such a difficult question to answer because there are no views that are truly relevant when it comes to this (wiitwd) besides the one's that fit your own personal agenda.  Some look for slaves, others look for poly, some 24/7  andothers look for people that just share their personal kinks.

Impossible to quantify; But it easy rather intriguing to see that the majority of folks out here are "oddballs" myself included...But each person's "uniqueness"(better word) determines how far do you want to take this...Do you actually want to meet people at munches? Go to clubs or dungeons? Or just twiddle the hours by online...Impossible to answer...Just requires some serious introspection which seems in too many cases to be lacking out here.

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RE: Involvement in real-life bdsm; did "vanilla&qu... - 2/25/2007 2:56:02 PM   
hisannabelle


Posts: 1992
Joined: 12/3/2006
From: Tallahassee, FL, USA
Status: offline 		if anything, my "vanilla" life has become more intense...meaning, i've become even more involved in school, work, art, things that i really want to do. He doesn't expect me to be chained and bound for days, although i think that'd be nice ;) if anything, the self-exploration i've done as a 24/7 submissive has allowed me to be open to more of the things that i want to do in my life. He's helped me become a lot less self-conscious about sex and love, and that carries over into everything - how i feel about my work, how i feel about my hobbies, in relation to other people, etc. i see bdsm as a lifestyle for us because it's who we are. i'm submissive. i just -am-. the "vanilla" life i'm referring to isn't really vanilla because that dynamic is still always present, regardless. so i don't see any aspects of my life as necessarily being vanilla, but i use that because it's something other people understand...then again, we don't live together (we hope to eventually), but our dynamic is present 24/7, so perhaps i shouldn't be responding in the first place, hehehe. i devote a large part of my time to thinking of ways to please Him, or looking nice, or doing other things that i feel are part of my service...but i wouldn't have it any other way, and it doesn't detract from the other things that go on in my life. i think you'll find even for most 24/7 couples who DO live together, being chained in the dungeon all the time is still just a fantasy - it's just not doable for many people. like you, most submissives have book clubs and women's groups and church and things like that. imho, a good dominant will control your life in a way that complements those things, not eclipses them.

(in reply to SusanofO)
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RE: Involvement in real-life bdsm; did "vanilla&qu... - 2/25/2007 4:27:25 PM   
StellaByStarlite


Posts: 790
Joined: 2/10/2007
Status: offline 		Hello. =)

I have two small children, so I'd say I'm vanilla most of the time, yes.


Then again.. my owner and I are really both slaves to the cat, the True Lord High Master of the Household. So scratch ( pun intended) that previous comment about being vanilla. =)


Cheers,
Stella

(in reply to hisannabelle)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Involvement in real-life bdsm; did "vanilla&qu... - 2/25/2007 4:38:23 PM   
julietsierra


Posts: 1841
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline 		Well, I moved back to Michigan around the same time I discovered this life. I was moving "home" but all the people I'd been friends with had moved on. In essence, although it was home, I was moving someplace where I knew no one other than my family.

Since then (about 8 years ago) I've made friends, but I have to say that my lifestyle friends are my closest. When I need to be home by a certain time, and I'm out with my sister (vanilla) or other friends (vanilla) what I face is a constant barrage of people encouraging me to do what I want and screw him if he doesn't understand I had better things to do. I tend to go places with my lifestyle friends now. When I am told to lay off the coffee because it's not good for me, what I get are people who say "He tells you what you can eat and DRINK?! Are you crazy?!!" from my vanilla acquaintances and "oh, let's go get a sprite then" from my lifestyle friends.

My hobbies are my kids - it's simply that time in their/our lives and being a single parent isn't easy. I make my choices for family first - always. There's plenty of time for all those other interests later. So, when I go visiting, the people I'm visiting are my family members and my Master. Now and then, I visit with vanilla friends, but guess what? They're busy running their children here and there as well, so no difference there.

Lately, even friends that are old enough to remember me when I was .. .well...very young...I have found out are involved in this lifestyle as well, so what does that make them? Lifestyle friends or old friends? Either way, they're my friends, but if someone were just looking at my  involvement in "lifestyle" activities, they might fall under "lifestyle" in their categorizing processes. But who the heck cares? I can ice skate and throw snowballs at lifestyle friends as easily as I can throw them at those I knew when we our parents were the ones to set the curfews. Does that make me singularily focused? I don't think so.

People choose their friends based, in large part, on commonalities of interests. From there, friendships either grow or fade and other interests play a part in the development and freshness of those friendships. So, if someone starts out with a passion for boating and I have a passion for boating, then what do I care if that passion also involves tieing someone from the bow rails? It's just another manifestation of a common interest.

A LOT of my friends swing. They also live very near me. We all have boats. We all meet at one bay and swim/eat/drink summer days up every chance we get...does that mean I only focus on swingers? Or are these people simply my friends with whom we share a couple of other significant interests.

Personally, I look at the boats, the water, the vanilla playfulness rather than the kink. My g/f helped me lay a vinyl floor this weekend. Surely it shouldnt matter that she has a Master vs a husband or boyfriend...I went shopping with another g/f on Saturday...ok, so we looked at sexy clothes, but last I heard, shopping with friends is still simply a girl's day out...

So, I really don't understand the concern here. Just because people are involved in  bdsm doesn't mean they're off limits for genuine friendships based on more than just bdsm. That IS how it is in vanilla situations too y'know...just because a vanilla person may have common interests with the friends they choose, doesn't mean they can't have other interests as well.

juliet

(in reply to hisannabelle)
Profile   Post #: 34
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