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newbie dom/sub couples? - 2/26/2007 4:18:02 PM

novicecourtesan

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Hi...I was wondering if anyone here was part of a couple (or poly relationship) that was all newbies--people who knew a little about bdsm, but didn't identify themselves that way or felt that they were newbies until they first got into that relationship.

I'm most specifically interested in the experiences of newbie dom/newbie sub couples--what they found most useful to really learning about d/s, whether they went to munches or posted online or read books, what the hurdles were. I know the basics: communication, honesty--but I suppose I'm also wondering what advantages/disadvantages a (experienced or newbie) sub would have by starting with a newbie dom vs. someone more experienced (whether they think they are or not). Any experienced subs have good relationships/encounters with newbie doms?

(p.s. I know that this post is full of words with varying definitions ("newbie"' "experienced," etc., but just interpret it as you will and assume I have the best of intentions. :)

< Message edited by novicecourtesan -- 2/26/2007 4:37:25 PM >

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RE: newbie dom/sub couples? - 2/27/2007 10:42:15 AM

onestandingstill

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I am having a relationship where I have two years in BDSM and the Sir I'm dating has 3 months.
I think we struggle a little more than more experienced couples as we are still learning what's out there and trying things for the first time.
I think anything worth while is worth working for so I don't mind we're still learning about ourselves and each other as we grow together.
suzanne

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RE: newbie dom/sub couples? - 2/27/2007 11:05:53 AM

novicecourtesan

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suzanne:

thanks for posting. I was wondering how the newbie dom learns--most suggest finding an experienced sub. As someone with more experience than you dom, what drew you to him? how do you help him learn and still be submissive? sorry if these are stupid questions--just curious...

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RE: newbie dom/sub couples? - 2/27/2007 11:08:54 AM

justme27

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the way i learned 10 years ago and still am learning is to ask questions ,and then ask some more

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RE: newbie dom/sub couples? - 2/27/2007 11:15:58 AM

SirDominic

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A newbie Dom/sub relationship can work, it just requires communication and lots of it. And I do mean lots! When neither party is really sure of how to do things, a slow pace with lots of feedback and forth is key. It also depends on the kinks they have in common. It doesn't take a whole lot of knowledge for some light bondage. But no inexperienced Dom should be handling a whip.

If the two are just meeting, it is even more important to go slowly. Don't assume anything. Give the relationship time to grow purely at a vanilla level for awhile. There is nothing worse than having a really bad experience your first time, as happened to onestandingstill (Who apparently isn't standing still any longer. Congratulations!).

Namaste, Sir Dominic

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RE: newbie dom/sub couples? - 2/27/2007 11:38:26 AM

onestandingstill

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quote:

suzanne:

thanks for posting. I was wondering how the newbie dom learns--most suggest finding an experienced sub. As someone with more experience than you dom, what drew you to him? how do you help him learn and still be submissive? sorry if these are stupid questions--just curious...

(in reply to onestandingstill

I met him at a vanilla picnic last summer and the Dom I was with then invited him to come to a play party he was having to see what BDSM is all about.

At that party at the end of the night I was offered to Rob to service him.
That was very hot for us both as we were indeed attracted to each other but did not exchange information or speak to each other after that event.
My Ex offered to train him in being a DOm, but it fell through and though Rob tried about ten times to coordinate meeting my Ex again for instruction it was in vain.
I left the Ex last August due to other reasons and Sir Rob heard I was not longer with my Ex.
He started searching for me and found me here in collarme 10/31/06.
I was very physically attracted to him, he's a very dominant vanilla man, he's in control of his own life, and he's truthful.
With all that going for him I was willing to risk the relationship even though most people dramatically change in the first year they are into BDSM.
suzanne

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RE: newbie dom/sub couples? - 2/27/2007 11:42:56 AM

onestandingstill

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SirDominic

A newbie Dom/sub relationship can work, it just requires communication and lots of it. And I do mean lots! When neither party is really sure of how to do things, a slow pace with lots of feedback and forth is key. It also depends on the kinks they have in common. It doesn't take a whole lot of knowledge for some light bondage. But no inexperienced Dom should be handling a whip.

If the two are just meeting, it is even more important to go slowly. Don't assume anything. Give the relationship time to grow purely at a vanilla level for awhile. There is nothing worse than having a really bad experience your first time, as happened to onestandingstill (Who apparently isn't standing still any longer. Congratulations!).

Namaste, Sir Dominic

Yes Sir,
I'm not standing still, but am still carrying around tons of baggage from the first D/s relationship so I'm moving in baby steps out of my own insecurities.
Thanks for congratulating me for venturing out with my heart again though.
It was a hard decision to open up even a little again for sure.
Most of me still wants to hide in a closet and not have to deal with trusting someone or having faith in someone again.
I realize that would be setting myself up for failure so one foot in front of the other is indeed happening as I'm too stubborn to lose in the thing I want most in my life.
suzanne

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RE: newbie dom/sub couples? - 2/27/2007 1:43:45 PM

mstrjx

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My first relationship would have been like that - 16 years ago.

There weren't really much in the way of hurdles. By that time, I had gone to demonstrations and play parties and had done some reading, but it didn't take me very long to get up to speed.

One of the most valuable things that I learned early on, and this dovetails with a newbie Dom/experienced sub response is that I found that I had to stay further ahead on the curve (or, said another way, one step ahead) of that person's submission.

Although I guess I cannot say I will ever know, but I would imagine that for a sub that is brand new, the pool of 'appropriate' dom(me)s is rather large, if you feel that THEIR experience is not an issue. To you, it might seem fine that you grow together (as I did in my first relationship).

But to a more experienced sub, their expectations and needs (as a submissive) might only be able to be fulfilled by someone near or exceeding their own 'skill' level. So to them, 'appropriate' could very well be a smaller subset of the dominant population.

Jeff

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