Getting to know your partner? (Full Version)

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valeca -> Getting to know your partner? (2/27/2007 6:07:13 AM)

How much time do you invest in getting to know your partner before submitting/accepting submission?

EDIT:
Actually, I'm going to move this post up here so the question is a little clearer.

 I wasn't asking what the 'appropriate' time is, but rather how much time did you invest in getting to know your partner before submitting/accepting submission.

For those not currently involved with a partner, apply the question to past relationships (good and bad).




SirDominic -> RE: Getting to know your partner? (2/27/2007 6:31:28 AM)

It varies, of course. The most important thing when getting to know a prospective Dominant is that you meet them in person. Chatting over the net is never going to show you who you are really talking to. Meet for coffee a few times over a few weeks. Otherwise people's time varies on what kind of relationship they are looking for, and how easily you feel the chemistry is working out.

Really, just think of it like getting to know a new guy you are thinking about being your boyfriend. How long would you give to that? That is a good measure for  you.

Namaste, Sir Dominic



Mustardseed -> RE: Getting to know your partner? (2/27/2007 6:32:13 AM)

Considering the train wreck our first date nearly turned into, I have to admit:  none.  It was unplanned and -- unfortunately -- unnegotiated.  A friend of mine at the time was shocked that I even bothered to talk to John again.  However I was attracted to him and found myself thinking about him a lot, so I sent him mail explaining that in the future I'd prefer to negotiate D/S rather than just stepping straight into it.  We spent about another few months seeing each other every other Saturday or more and just chatting on a futon or occasionally messing around before we started playing in earnest, and a few more months after that before we consentually began D/S again.

While I still cringe a little about how we began our relationship, I'm also rather happy about it:  if we hadn't started that way we wouldn't have gotten such an excellent and immediate idea of how we dealt with our conflict resolution skills in a controlled manner.



misotara -> RE: Getting to know your partner? (2/27/2007 6:52:11 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: valeca

How much time do you invest in getting to know your partner before submitting/accepting submission?




As long as it takes



Caitriona -> RE: Getting to know your partner? (2/27/2007 6:52:40 AM)

We were married for almost a year before I was collared.  As for my female partner, we were friends a few months before she joined our relationship.



toservez -> RE: Getting to know your partner? (2/27/2007 6:55:11 AM)

Up to the individuals when both are wanting to and are comfortable with each other in terms of when to do things, just like any other relationship.




sleazybutterfly -> RE: Getting to know your partner? (2/27/2007 6:58:41 AM)

You can spend hours, or weeks, just depends on how things are going.  I have had ones I talked to a long time and it didn't work out, then I met Master rather quickly and we have been together since. 



valeca -> RE: Getting to know your partner? (2/27/2007 7:01:45 AM)

I think maybe I wasn't clear in the question. 

I wasn't asking what the 'appropriate' time is, but rather how much time did you invest in getting to know your partner before submitting/accepting submission.

For those not currently involved with a partner, apply the question to past relationships (good and bad).

Thanks to Mustardseed (and now sleazybutterfly and Caitriona, too).  That's the sort of answer I was looking for.  Glad it worked out for you in the end!



myobedience -> RE: Getting to know your partner? (2/27/2007 7:03:54 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: valeca
How much time do you invest in getting to know your partner before submitting/accepting submission?


i can and only will speak from experience.
i explored alot, with types of play and BDSM events, before one night i flirted and within a week i was OWNED !!  Well needless to say, it was all sexual oriented and the moth was burned in the flame.  i hung on for years cause i find a committment is something not easily broken.
 
The "relationship" was probably doomed from the start.  It was not based on a friendship, compatability other than sexual.
 
Once i healed and COULD move on, i knew i put up my LAST profile.
Sir found me.  We communicate well, share common compatabilities outside of the sexual..... back to communication..it flows so much easier than the prior dom.  i can say that openness is rarely mentioned as part of communication but the risk to be open is usually neglected, but for to me it is as important as honesty, respect and trust.
The former dom put "communication is paramount" in his profile.  He just neglected to say it was a one was street.
 
Sir explained his philosphy of D/s, M/s and BDSM to me.  Then he shared about himself.  i was asked, never told, to respond. It was a dialogue, usefull for both of us. 
If i didnt like what he had to say, i could have walked away, tis a risk he took.  As i opened up, i took a risk that he could/would leave.
At first it confused me some as it was so refreshingly new and a different way to be approched.
Funny thing, he comments publically on my blog and i respond as well.  So it is like another layer of open communication, revealing a layer of trust and honesty i was not use to. 
 
How long does this take?  Depends on the amount of openness IMHO.
Consistency in tone, words, actions... all of it matters.
 
Another thing....  being "collared property" is never the goal, IMHO.
Anyone can go to the SPCA and collar a dog or cat.
But to bond to a dog or cat at the SPCA might take days/weeks/months and the risk that someone else is bonding at the same time, with "your" dog or cat, is always hard to take, if next time you visit and "your" dog or cat is gone.

We are human beings, with layers of heart, soul, and mind to explore.  Take time doing so if you feel it is right, gonna work or might work.  Trampling through the garden looking for weeds and glorious delicate blooms becomes a dirty mess, if one is not careful for in the process crushing that special one might become all dirt and no rose.

just my thoughts 



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Getting to know your partner? (2/27/2007 7:12:37 AM)

Until it feels right.

I know how silly that sounds, and I know how most people who feel right about it and it ends up completely wrong, but that's usually because what they feel right about and what they agree to get involved into are completely different things.



thetammyjo -> RE: Getting to know your partner? (2/27/2007 7:15:52 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: valeca

How much time do you invest in getting to know your partner before submitting/accepting submission?

EDIT:
Actually, I'm going to move this post up here so the question is a little clearer.

I wasn't asking what the 'appropriate' time is, but rather how much time did you invest in getting to know your partner before submitting/accepting submission.

For those not currently involved with a partner, apply the question to past relationships (good and bad).




I spent about a month of talking with Fox, seeing him at munches and workshops before we agreed to enter into a training contract.

Even though I met him face-to-face and had good reports about him from others in the group (unrequested, they were just so impressed with him that they told me about him first!), he still went through the formal application process to be trained and we hung out at lunch or dinner, he spent time with my husband discussing geek things.

That's the first stage of submission -- agreeing to be trained by me.

The second stage came 9 months later when he accepted my collar and signed a slave contract with me.

The third stage came a few years ago when he graduated and decided being my slave was more important than pleasing his family or finding a job in his field. This was the point at which he made it clear he was mine and had no intentions of ever leaving through both words and actions.

I would say that daily we recommit ourselves to this dynamic. Primarily it is just going with the flow at this point after 7 years but we are both still fully aware that we chose this dynamic and this life and that we live in a society that would happily support us moving out of it instead of staying in it.



SusanofO -> RE: Getting to know your partner? (2/27/2007 7:23:39 AM)

I'd known my ex-Dominant for several years, via a non-bdsm related social group we both belong to, before he approached me, and let me know he was also into bdsm, and asked me if I was interested in a D/s relationship. 

So, I felt I knew him in a social context that had nothing to do with anything sexually related, before we embarked in a more intimate relationship. Things still didn't work out for us, but that is the luck of the draw, I guess - we were together for a little over a year. We had some great times, while we were together. Unfortunately, I discovered rather suddenly that he can have an uncontrollable temper. But, I had many vanilla relationships that didn't always work, too (or else I'd still be with my very first BF, he).

But right now, I am embarking on things with someone new. I expect us to have a lot of "vanilla" activity time, and also know we will be engaging in bdsm activity. 

I won't be collaring myself to anyone (and he wouldn't offer) until we've both met in person (which we do in mid-March), and probably for several weeks and-or months afterward. He's mentioned several times it's important that we "mesh", and I couldn't agree more. So far, so good. Time will tell.

- Susan  



toservez -> RE: Getting to know your partner? (2/27/2007 7:30:39 AM)

We wrote about five messages over a week. Talked on the phone most days for a week and a half until meeting the first time, did nothing in power exchange the first time. Since that weekend we talked everyday by phone and met two weeks later and we went very slow into activities and the power exchange portion of the relationship. It was not until we had been together for almost four months that I would say we had a semblance of a M/s relationship and even now after more then five months we are still getting to know each other and expanding the play and dynamic.



domiguy -> RE: Getting to know your partner? (2/27/2007 7:36:29 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Until it feels right.

I know how silly that sounds, and I know how most people who feel right about it and it ends up completely wrong, but that's usually because what they feel right about and what they agree to get involved into are completely different things.


Obviously you must be a newbie...So let me explain how things work out here...You talk for about two or three hours on the phone ..then she accepts my collar...She then comes out and announces her collaring!....everyone on CM chimes in on how happy they are for her that she has finally found her twue Dom.....Then her profile reads that any and all dialogue sent to her must must go through me first....Next in a day or so her profile now states that she is in a committed poly relationship, how she has found "the one" and that she seeks a sister slave. We finally meet on day three or four (The trumpets blare) And let the sodomy begin!!!  Then on day six I have released her...And on that same day she is back out here complaining how I never explained that I was gay...That I wasn't a twue Dom...And she wants her three hundred bucks back.

This is how it works...To the op..Jump in! (Domiguy hesitantly touches big toe to the water...Promptly bit off a by a Great White Shark) The waters fine!!!! 



lighthearted -> RE: Getting to know your partner? (2/27/2007 7:49:35 AM)

it wasn't long...a matter of days.  he has all the traits I feel are required for a successful vanilla relationship, in addition to what I feel are above average (waaay above average) communication skills.  



domiguy -> RE: Getting to know your partner? (2/27/2007 8:01:52 AM)

It is also a proven fact that you will attract a "better" quality of Dom...if within your profile you provide a tit shot or two....It almost always ensures the realtionship will work without investing the "getting to know you time."



onestandingstill -> RE: Getting to know your partner? (2/27/2007 8:48:39 AM)

I would want to date someone for minimally a year before I'd ever consider any collar again.
In my only full D/s relationship I took a training collar after two months.
The damn thing became a noose that almost strangled me out of existence.
I learned the hard way there's no all fired reason or hurry to have a collar.
suzanne
**edited because I hit submit instead of spell check



valeca -> RE: Getting to know your partner? (2/27/2007 8:58:41 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Until it feels right.

I know how silly that sounds, and I know how most people who feel right about it and it ends up completely wrong, but that's usually because what they feel right about and what they agree to get involved into are completely different things.


Er, yes, I understand that.  What I'm asking is how much time did you invest in your relationship before submitting to/accepting submission from your partner. 

It's not a 'how long should I wait before submitting?' question!

I'm curious about it on an individual, case-by-case basis. 

To answer my own question, it was just over a year from first meeting to the 'I do's'.

Tammyjo, Susan, toservez, lighhearted, onestandingstill--Wonderful!  Thanks for sharing!

Edited to add:  LA, I might have misread the intention of your post.  I think I know what you were saying, but could you throw in a number...just for clarification?



MasterFireMaam -> RE: Getting to know your partner? (2/27/2007 8:59:01 AM)

anne and I knew each other for a year before she petitioned...then a few more months before she was officially collared. Funny, it took another year for us to have a signed contract.

Master Fire



simplewhispers -> RE: Getting to know your partner? (2/27/2007 9:09:49 AM)

I  have talked to men for app 3 emails and if I am not ready to totally surrender, well they think I take to long ....... so this is a very good question ......... not really had anyone interested in knowing me , its more along the lines of just how fast can we make this  happen..



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