Different "stages"/Different treatment?

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ShiftedJewel -> Different "stages"/Different treatment? (3/23/2005 12:23:01 PM)
There has been a discussion floating around my house for a bit now and I would love some input on the subject. When it comes to forming a D/s relationship there seems to be three basic steps that we go through. The first would be a "courtship" phase where you get to know each other, find out if you "click" and decide if you wish to take it further. Then there would be the consideration phase (or consideration collar), to me that is something I liken to foreplay. Then there is the actual Collaring. I was wondering how the behavior differs for each "step", do you treat the submissive any differently (ie: is your play less extreme, or not play at all?) during the different phases? And to the submissives/slaves, is your behavior any different, what are your expectations in each of the different "steps"? For me the consideration collar is, like I said, similar to foreplay, touchy feely sort of thing but nothing more until that union is solid... The best example I can come up with is that it's like a rental car... a responsible person will treat a rental car differently then they would their own car because it isn't theirs to do with as they please. Hopefully this makes some sense.... Jewel

sputniklove -> RE: Different "stages"/Different treatment? (3/23/2005 12:34:23 PM)
Ironically I am currently finding myself in this postion,and sent email to mercandbeth regarding my hessiation sometimes to post in public forum. I would venture to say that yes there are three definite stages the first is the click,the second is the foreplay submissiveness, it is the third where the collar, is given can be the make or break,some subs want to reamin subs and do not want to make the next step to slave....it is an issue each person/couple must decide. The most important part here, is communcation ( a thanks here mercandbeth,for the exchange and concurance of information) between both parties/be it D/s or M/s or the transition between the two. Clear communcation and trust are the key elemnets here for all involved. That is my 2 cents on this issue,and yes most people do take better care of their car than a rental,because it is THEIR responsability not avis....but trying harder never hurts LOL sputnik[:D]

nella -> RE: Different "stages"/Different treatment? (3/23/2005 3:43:52 PM)
I think the problem whit rental cars is that if you wreck that, you have to pay for the damage then and there, and that would be no fun on somone esles car, if your wrach your own car and have tp pay for repairs, often the repairs can weight or at least you get a more prpaired and better car afterwards.

Harrison -> RE: Different "stages"/Different treatment? (3/24/2005 7:42:39 AM)
Jewel.... This is a good topic....and, I'm sure that there will be many different ideas and practices concerning courting and collaring. Here is mine. When I first meet a potential sub and after the initial "is there chemistry" getting to know you phase, I will give her an ankle bracelet if I feel that she meets my initial standards. I will ask that she wear it 24/7. I will expain that this bracelet is a reminder to her that I am interested in moving deeper with her...and, by complying with my request, she shows me that she is interested in the same thing. As things progress and when we both agree that we are ready to begin training, I will collar her with a training collar. I have designed this little ceremony and it is very stimulating for both of us. She will wear this collar anytime she is around me, whether we are in an actual training session or not. When she is not with me, she does not wear this collar and, at this point, I do not require her to move in with me or to go 24/7. The green training collar, I explain to her, is green to remind her of her new-ness in her training and in her life around me. She wears it as a committment to me, but is not required to wear it when she is on her own because, in this phase, neither one of us has made that kind of long term committment. The green collar is the first thing she puts on when she is with me (and, the last thing she takes off when she leaves my presence.) In that way, we both still has the freedom of "release," should things fall apart. As the training progresses, both of us get a good idea whether or not this relationship will go much deeper and more permanent. Assuming that we both feel that it will, I will surprise her with a black collar in a pretty, candle lit, symbol filled collaring ceremony. I remove the ankle bracelet and the black collar becomes the symbol of my ownership of her. This begins the real enjoyment for both of us because, at this point in our lives, we know that we are with the one each of us want. I look at it this way....The ankle bracelet like a friendship ring, the green collar means we are going steady and the black collar represents the union I seek, a total committment. My behavior changes at each level as does the behavior of the sub, just like behavior changes in the vanilla world when they go from casual dating to "going steady" (do they still do that?) to engaged to married. My behavioral change is not a surprise to the sub. Talk is very important and we will have discussed each stage as we move into it. Hard limits are always established and in place. Sometimes they will change with as we move thru each transition. I'm sure others do differently. This is what I enjoy doing. Harrison

EmeraldSlave2 -> RE: Different "stages"/Different treatment? (3/24/2005 9:59:29 AM)
For us there's getting to know eachother- we each act as independent adults, free agents. And then there's the one person has authority and the other doesn't, where I obey what they want. Collar? Only if they want at some point, it's irrelevant to the actual relationship at play. My pattern is such that it takes awhile for me to warm up to someone, but once I get connected to them, that next step is very fast.

nella -> RE: Different "stages"/Different treatment? (3/24/2005 11:29:52 AM)
Harrion it seam like a butiful thing you do, sound werry nice. i and my Dom dont do it that way, we dont ahve a formal colar, and if i wear one it is usualy one nice one that if my clothing of my own chosing, but still ti is werry nice to hear what other pepole do.

Harrison -> RE: Different "stages"/Different treatment? (3/24/2005 3:54:33 PM)
nella.... I appreciate that... Please understand that I do not write about things I do like they are the only way to do things. My ways are not the only ways, the right ways or the wrong ways. They are just my ways. They just fit me and my life. Each of us has (or for the newer ones, will soon) developed ways that fit each of us. We draw on what we desire, read, see and experience along the way to form those things each of us do. Because each person's path is different, I suspect each person's ways are different....like snowflakes, no two are alike. This difference can make the journey in search of another, grueling and sometimes seemingly endless. But, this is what I truely enjoy about this world. We can choose to be different here. That is what this life is all about. Those that would judge me right or wrong just don't get it. This is not a competition for the perfection BDSM trophy. This is not a contest of skill or daring among warriors. This is just a journey each of us is on and, for now we've stopped at the same place at the same time. What I pass along is not a judgement of another's ways, ideals or beliefs. It's just a suggestion based on mine. If a person finds something they can carry away with them, I'm glad. If they don't, I hope they would move along the path until they find something that does fit. It took me a long time to realize there is no perfect way. Maybe that was because I started in the Gorean world. While some of that stays with me, I found the majority of it too stuctured and inflexible. Somewhere along my journey, I came to know that I am not here to measure up to anyone's standards and no one is required to measure up to mine. However, if and when, a person finds another who DOES measure up to expectations...happiness just might occur. It's that desire of happiness that drives me onward in my search. Again, my ways talking.....just mine Take care Harrison

Mercnbeth -> RE: Different "stages"/Different treatment? (3/24/2005 4:10:17 PM)
quote: As the training progresses, both of us get a good idea whether or not this relationship will go much deeper and more permanent. Assuming that we both feel that it will, I will surprise her with a black collar in a pretty, candle lit, symbol filled collaring ceremony. I remove the ankle bracelet and the black collar becomes the symbol of my ownership of her. This begins the real enjoyment for both of us because, at this point in our lives, we know that we are with the one each of us want. I look at it this way....The ankle bracelet like a friendship ring, the green collar means we are going steady and the black collar represents the union I seek, a total committment. Harrison, Before replying to your post I tried to ascertain some of this information from your profile. But in it, I can't determine if anyone yet has made it through all your stages. Is this something you have planned for the submissive you're seeking or it is a path already worn by a prior sub you've "owned". You use past tense in your post; "I'm sure others do differently. This is what I enjoy doing." How many have made it through the program? What's happened to those that received the "black collar"?

Harrison -> RE: Different "stages"/Different treatment? (3/24/2005 5:00:17 PM)
Merc & beth.... I don't wish to engage in a "talk the talk, but can he walk the walk?" duel with you. With over 900 posts, I suspect you'd win. So, I will not accept your questions as a challenge but, as more of a sincere desire to understand. Has anyone made it thru? Of course. I did not dream this up one night in the dark. It took me a long time to figure "me" out. Then, 4 years ago, I met someone who....I dunno, "clicked" with me and with my desires in this life. She made it thru...as a matter of fact, she helped come up with this as we went through it together. What happened to those that did? She is still the only one. I didn't audition any others because we were as one from then on and I can't do two at a time. A little over a year ago, a car accident took her from me. Now, that I have found a place I can put the feeling of that loss, I am out looking around again. That is why I just joined and only have 10 posts. I understand that newly joined and few posts might be a sign of a pretender, but, I hope you will someday come to understand that I am not a gamer or a predator (although, it's impossible to tell for a while, isn't it?) This life lives within me and has for a long time. It's the internet that I am new with. Kinda a sappy story, isn't it? I guess I left my bravado in my other coat. Take care Harrison

Mercnbeth -> RE: Different "stages"/Different treatment? (3/24/2005 5:09:21 PM)
Harrison, Trust me, my post to you was just to learn. I rarely duel, and if I do I'm much more obvious. Don't be taken by mine or anyone else's number of posts. You can get your number up pretty quick by just talking to yourself, as others have in the past. As someone pointed out it sounded very romantic. I wanted to know if you ever had the opportunity to experience it. Glad you did, even though it ended in sadness. There's nothing wrong with a Dom being romantic, and you shouldn't apologize for being so. It should help. Why not join the group coming to Vegas in May? Good luck here.

Oumae -> RE: Different "stages"/Different treatment? (3/25/2005 3:59:38 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Harrison Merc & beth.... I don't wish to engage in a "talk the talk, but can he walk the walk?" duel with you. With over 900 posts, I suspect you'd win. So, I will not accept your questions as a challenge but, as more of a sincere desire to understand. Has anyone made it thru? Of course. I did not dream this up one night in the dark. It took me a long time to figure "me" out. Then, 4 years ago, I met someone who....I dunno, "clicked" with me and with my desires in this life. She made it thru...as a matter of fact, she helped come up with this as we went through it together. What happened to those that did? She is still the only one. I didn't audition any others because we were as one from then on and I can't do two at a time. A little over a year ago, a car accident took her from me. Now, that I have found a place I can put the feeling of that loss, I am out looking around again. That is why I just joined and only have 10 posts. I understand that newly joined and few posts might be a sign of a pretender, but, I hope you will someday come to understand that I am not a gamer or a predator (although, it's impossible to tell for a while, isn't it?) This life lives within me and has for a long time. It's the internet that I am new with. Kinda a sappy story, isn't it? I guess I left my bravado in my other coat. Take care Harrison It didn't sound sappy to me, it sounded thoughtful and caring. My sympathies for your loss and hope you find what you are looking for. Oumae

Harrison -> RE: Different "stages"/Different treatment? (3/25/2005 6:20:13 AM)
Merc & beth I appreciate your reply. Where can I learn more of the details of the may LV trip? I am pretty crammed in May but, if I could swing it, I like to fly down? Harrison

ellegantsub -> RE: Different "stages"/Different treatment? (3/27/2005 4:22:16 PM)
This is a response to Sputniklove stages...how about the smooth flow of a ever evolving relationship that has no guidlines...or past relationships that effect new one??? What if you have a vanilla date proior to a "perfectly" orcastrated scene that changes everything, like mood or emotional state or deeper level of communication is achived??? Any one of these things can change everything that was planned. If you miss the changes, the scene becomes fractured at some level. oh, a submissive becomes a slave when collared??? It seems to me like you are coloring in the lines if you ask me... but then you did not.

nella -> RE: Different "stages"/Different treatment? (3/27/2005 4:35:40 PM)
Like in all realtionships, the behavior of the pepole in it change, first one is unsure of one another, then one grow to care, and then stages after stages. And i think it is somwhat the same in BDSM somtimes pepole change. Some will say a submissive become a slave when collard, some not, it depends on the persons in question and what their definitions of the words are.

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