Writing a short essay for my class, critique?

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boltaction -> Writing a short essay for my class, critique? (2/28/2007 7:58:11 PM)
So I am in writing 121 and decided to write a short essay on BDSM and kink in general. It is a point/counterpoint, and I am trying to show the ignorance of the opposing argument to the discussion of consensual understanding as my counterpoint. The impression I want to leave is how community is important for the safety of kink minded people, and that is it ok to have these feelings. I am open to any criticism or offer to modify. Dangerous Roles As America becomes ever more lenient of “alternativeâ” lifestyles, we have begun to see the fringe interest groups speak up for social equality. Of recent memory has been the kink community. I ask you, since when has parading in collars and beating each other with riding crops been regarded as a healthy lifestyle, one that should be taught to our children? I certainly didn’t get the memo. Maybe the proponents of the so-called kink movement forgot to mail it out. Either way, I believe that sadomasochistic proclivities are dangerous to our society. BDSM is an offset of kink which stands for Bondage, Domination and Sadomasochism. It represents a wide range of activities that can be anything from a woman handcuffing her partner to two homosexual men beating each other with golf clubs. If you can imagine it, the kink community offers it. Is this something we want taught in our schools? It glorifies violence, rape and traumatic childhood experiences. It has only been of recent phenomenon that our society has seen the kink lifestyle become vocal. I believe that this degrading, sexist ideology has been thrust upon our youth with promises of sexual abandon and acceptance. There are so many people who identify with this counterculture with a history of abuse that there are even support groups available specifically for them, within the culture itself. Not only is it harmful to our community and minds, it can also be wildly physically dangerous. There have been accounts of paramedics arriving to an emergency, only to enter a dungeon. There are reported deaths from asphyxiation and heart attacks. As always, the kink community has a defense for this stupefying ignorance: It is called Safe, Sane and Consensual play. Apparently there is so much danger in this lifestyle that members need to actually explain to other members how to not kill each other. Overall, I deduce that it should be illegal to practice any form of kink because it has proven roots in destructive and violent histories, allowing victims to re-create their trauma over and over without healing. Confused and young people may become interested in the eroticism involved and will become abused in the process. Such matters are reserved for a therapist, not in public. Dangerous Ignorance Healthy relationships require communication, love and understanding. This has been proven over and over by not only the psychiatric community but through millions of personal accounts as well. When two people share a similar interest that does not hurt anyone, how is it wrong? Many people who look into the world of S&M from the outside cannot understand it; we aren’t trying to force anyone to come to our meetings and play in our dungeons. However, we are very normal people and the burgeoning number of members of this very old community can attest to that. Importance must be placed on how general the word kink is. It’s so complex and nuanced that generalizations don’t do us any justice. Our community has individuals from every walk of life and every religion; some people find it hard to believe that there are Christian couples who practice erotic spanking in their home, as the stereotype of kink may be assumed to be much more extreme. It is true that there are people who participate in the community with self destructive or violent intentions. This is why we seek acceptance with others: Without a strong community that keeps a check on healthy relationships there will be opportunity for abuse and misunderstanding. BDSM is a very delicate and nuanced ideology, and something that works for you does not necessarily work for someone else. The reason we might hear more about this particular lifestyle is because of the internet. In the past (pre-internet) people who were kink minded did not have such a luxurious and anonymous form of communication, forcing their numbers small and in the closet. However, with the ability to act out ones fantasy in true privacy, the number of accepting and social practitioners has come out for the benefit of many. We also fight the war of semantics. This entire argument, for example, is simply about putting a word into something humans have done for hundreds, if not thousands of years. If a woman enjoys pulling her partners hair, is that BDSM? It all depends on how you want to look at it. We believe that the only real damage this lifestyle can bring is the misunderstanding and intolerance of its members by the public sphere. If we don’t work to teach adults that these are acceptable and healthy activities, we may have all lost something. It is sane, safe, and consensual. Works Cited Byerly, Lori. Domestic Discipline at Odds With the Word of God. 1 Jan. 2007. The Marriage Bed, Inc.. 28 Feb. 2007. <http://www.themarriagebed.com/pages/bible/app/dd.shtml>. Easton, Dossie and Janet W. Hardy. The New Bottoming Book. California: Greenery Press, 2001. Easton, Dossie and Janet W. Hardy. The New Topping Book. California: Greenery Press, 2001. Houlberg, Rick. What is SM - Chapter 2. 2 Aug. 2004. National Coalition for Sexual Freedom . 28 Feb. 2007. <http://www.ncsfreedom.org/library/whatissm/chapter2.htm>. Last name not disclosed, Seraphina. Domestic Violence Project. 21 Feb. 2007. NLA-I DVP. 28 Feb. 2007. <http://www.nlaidvproject.us/home.html>. McAnulty, Richard and Michele Burnette. Exploring Human Sexuality. United States: Allyn & Bacon, 2003.

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Writing a short essay for my class, critique? (2/28/2007 8:39:36 PM)
I'm afraid I don't see your citation notes IN the essay itself, so it's hard to say if all of your many gross statements are substantiated or not. So, for fun, here you go: quote: Dangerous Roles As America becomes ever more lenient of “alternativeâ” lifestyles, we have begun to see the fringe interest groups speak up for social equality. Of recent memory has been the kink community. I ask you, since when has parading in collars and beating each other with riding crops been regarded as a healthy lifestyle, one that should be taught to our children? I certainly didn’t get the memo. Maybe the proponents of the so-called kink movement forgot to mail it out. Either way, I believe that sadomasochistic proclivities are dangerous to our society. Your "taught to children" comment comes out of left field and leaves just as quickly. You're really making a strawman here, rather than a coherent argument. I assume the final statement is your main point, but the rest of the paragraph does not really seem to build up to that point. quote: BDSM is an offset of kink which stands for Bondage, Domination and Sadomasochism. It represents a wide range of activities that can be anything from a woman handcuffing her partner to two homosexual men beating each other with golf clubs. If you can imagine it, the kink community offers it. Is this something we want taught in our schools? THIS paragraph would actually make a much better introductory paragraph- it certainly has no place being right after the thesis statement. And again the schools comment- who has proposed it would be taught there? It has no place in this essay. quote: It glorifies violence, rape and traumatic childhood experiences. New paragraph, identify "it." quote: It has only been of recent phenomenon that our society has seen the kink lifestyle become vocal. I believe that this degrading, sexist ideology has been thrust upon our youth with promises of sexual abandon and acceptance. a) you haven't touched on gender/sex before now so there is no substantiation of sexism b) again the youth? You keep throwing it out there with no support However- bringing up sexual abandon is an excellent idea (sexual acceptance not so much). Abandonment of responsibilities is always a great stronghold when you're fighting against something. quote: There are so many people who identify with this counterculture with a history of abuse that there are even support groups available specifically for them, within the culture itself. Not only is it harmful to our community and minds, it can also be wildly physically dangerous. Physically dangerous comment comes out of nowhere. You need SOMETHING in this paragraph to tell us how it is physically dangerous BEFORE telling us it's dangerous. Instead you conclude it's dangerous and THEN tell us why. quote: There have been accounts of paramedics arriving to an emergency, only to enter a dungeon. There are reported deaths from asphyxiation and heart attacks. As always, the kink community has a defense for this stupefying ignorance: It is called Safe, Sane and Consensual play. Apparently there is so much danger in this lifestyle that members need to actually explain to other members how to not kill each other. Eliminate the "as always"- otherwise, not too shabby. quote: Overall, I deduce that it should be illegal to practice any form of kink That's way too broad a statement to be considered strong at all. How about "many of these deviant, disturbing and dangerous actions" Gotta love alliteration. quote: because it has proven roots in destructive and violent histories, allowing victims to re-create their trauma over and over without healing. Confused and young people may become interested in the eroticism involved and will become abused in the process. Such matters are reserved for a therapist, not in public. Not too bad either. quote: Healthy relationships require communication, love and understanding. This has been proven over and over by not only the psychiatric community but through millions of personal accounts as well. When two people share a similar interest that does not hurt anyone, how is it wrong? You're gonna have to define hurt here- or pick a better word. quote: Many people who look into the world of S&M from the outside cannot understand it; we aren’t trying to force anyone to come to our meetings and play in our dungeons. However, we are very normal people and the burgeoning number of members of this very old community can attest to that. I was going to mention this earlier- never use contractions in any formal writing. I think you're stretching and heading into pointless details with the very old community. I get that you want to focus on community here (which I think is the WRONG way to go) but you don't clarify what you mean by very old and so you look very weak. quote: Importance must be placed on how general the word kink is. It’s so complex and nuanced that generalizations don’t do us any justice. Our community has individuals from every walk of life and every religion; some people find it hard to believe that there are Christian couples who practice erotic spanking in their home, as the stereotype of kink may be assumed to be much more extreme. Contractions again, and how about "How general the world of kink is" instead? quote: It is true that there are people who participate in the community with self destructive or violent intentions. This is why we seek acceptance with others: Without a strong community that keeps a check on healthy relationships there will be opportunity for abuse and misunderstanding. This argument makes no sense- the community keeps no check on healthy relationships, in fact in many ways it harbors and hides them, and there is plenty of abuse and misunderstanding going on even with the community. And it's certainly not why we seek acceptance from others. quote: BDSM is a very delicate and nuanced ideology, and something that works for you does not necessarily work for someone else. That's not really how nuanced is used and I'm not sure if delicate would be the right way to put it either. quote: The reason we might hear more about this particular lifestyle is because of the internet. In the past (pre-internet) people who were kink minded did not have such a luxurious and anonymous form of communication, forcing their numbers small and in the closet. However, with the ability to act out ones fantasy in true privacy, the number of accepting and social practitioners has come out for the benefit of many. And this is supposed to SUPPORT the idea that community makes things better? quote: We also fight the war of semantics. This entire argument, for example, is simply about putting a word into something humans have done for hundreds, if not thousands of years. If a woman enjoys pulling her partners hair, is that BDSM? It all depends on how you want to look at it. You're using bdsm and kink interchangeably here- very sloppy. You already defined bdsm in your first argument, so it's not a matter of how you look at it at all. Your argument is about kink, not bdsm. quote: We believe that the only real damage this lifestyle can bring is the misunderstanding and intolerance of its members by the public sphere. If we don’t work to teach adults that these are acceptable and healthy activities, we may have all lost something. We do? What have we lost? quote: It is sane, safe, and consensual. You can't END on something as empty and pointless as that. You don't even give examples of HOW it's safe, sane or consensual. What happened to adults not harming anyone else? You bring it up and then completely forget about it.

DominaSmartass -> RE: Writing a short essay for my class, critique? (2/28/2007 9:04:23 PM)
quote: Dangerous Roles As America becomes ever more lenient of “alternativeâ” lifestyles, tolerant of. lenient towards perhaps, but not of. quote: we have begun to see the fringe interest groups speak up for social equality. Of recent memory has been the kink community. I don't even think that's a sentence. quote: I ask you, since when has parading in collars and beating each other with riding crops been regarded as a healthy lifestyle, one that should be taught to our children? As far as I know we don't teach this to children. Are you trying to satirize the "children" line that's passed out by conservative propagandists? quote: I certainly didn’t get the memo. Maybe the proponents of the so-called kink movement forgot to mail it out. Either way, I believe that sadomasochistic proclivities are dangerous to our society. BDSM is an offset of kink which stands for Bondage, Domination and Sadomasochism. if you want to get specific, it's bondage/discipline/dominance/submission/sadism/masochism. I believe you could find sources to cite this accepted definition in a variety of books. Possibly "Different Loving" which your local library may even have. quote: It represents a wide range of activities that can be anything from a woman handcuffing her partner to two homosexual men beating each other with golf clubs. If you can imagine it, the kink community offers it. Is this something we want taught in our schools? It glorifies violence, rape and traumatic childhood experiences. It has only been of recent phenomenon that our society has seen the kink lifestyle become vocal. I believe that this degrading, sexist ideology has been thrust upon our youth with promises of sexual abandon and acceptance. There are so many people who identify with this counterculture with a history of abuse that there are even support groups available specifically for them, within the culture itself. Not only is it harmful to our community and minds, it can also be wildly physically dangerous. There have been accounts of paramedics arriving to an emergency, only to enter a dungeon. There are reported deaths from asphyxiation and heart attacks. As always, the kink community has a defense for this stupefying ignorance: It is called Safe, Sane and Consensual play. Apparently there is so much danger in this lifestyle that members need to actually explain to other members how to not kill each other. Overall, I deduce that it should be illegal to practice any form of kink because it has proven roots in destructive and violent histories, allowing victims to re-create their trauma over and over without healing. Confused and young people may become interested in the eroticism involved and will become abused in the process. Such matters are reserved for a therapist, not in public. Do you have any references for this point of view? I honestly don't even think your argument above is as strong as the real ones made by bdsm opponents. To me it sounds like a hyperbole of that viewpoint. quote: Dangerous Ignorance Healthy relationships require communication, love and understanding. This has been proven over and over by not only the psychiatric community but through millions of personal accounts as well. When two people share a similar interest that does not hurt anyone, how is it wrong? Many people who look into the world of S&M from the outside cannot understand it; we aren’t trying to force anyone to come to our meetings and play in our dungeons. However, we are very normal people and the burgeoning number of members of this very old community can attest to that. You use the word we here as opposed to "they" above. Are you sure you want to do that? Are you, the author placing your sympathy with the bdsm side? Are you supposed to be taking one side or another? quote: Importance must be placed on how general the word kink is. It’s so complex and nuanced that generalizations don’t do us any justice. Our community has individuals from every walk of life and every religion; some people find it hard to believe that there are Christian couples who practice erotic spanking in their home, as the stereotype of kink may be assumed to be much more extreme. It is true that there are people who participate in the community with self destructive or violent intentions. This is why we seek acceptance with others: Without a strong community that keeps a check on healthy relationships there will be opportunity for abuse and misunderstanding. BDSM is a very delicate and nuanced ideology, and something that works for you does not necessarily work for someone else. The reason we might hear more about this particular lifestyle is because of the internet. In the past (pre-internet) people who were kink minded did not have such a luxurious and anonymous form of communication, forcing their numbers small and in the closet. However, with the ability to act out ones fantasy in true privacy, the number of accepting and social practitioners has come out for the benefit of many. We also fight the war of semantics. This entire argument, for example, is simply about putting a word into something humans have done for hundreds, if not thousands of years. If a woman enjoys pulling her partners hair, is that BDSM? Unless you are actually trying to out yourself to your classmates or professor, you might want to use an example of a male top once in a while. Plus, it's usually women, not men, who have long enough hair to pull. quote: It all depends on how you want to look at it. We believe that the only real damage this lifestyle can bring is the misunderstanding and intolerance of its members by the public sphere. If we don’t work to teach adults that these are acceptable and healthy activities, we may have all lost something. It is sane, safe, and consensual. Ok, I apologize in advance for any insult but you did put it up here for public critique. I think it's not well done at all. I'm done with school and don't feel like staying up the rest of the night making suggestions, but besides the minor details I've pointed out above, I just think the whole thing could be a lot stronger. You could definitely incorporate some hard facts, solid examples, instead of lofty ideas like "protecting the children." I hope it goes well for you. Maybe post a revised version when you've got one.

boltaction -> RE: Writing a short essay for my class, critique? (2/28/2007 9:41:21 PM)
Thanks a lot LuckyAlbatross and DominaSmartass, I appreciate your excellent critical points. This is a rough draft, and I will post an updated version soon. If I may ask LA, when you say that the community hides destructive people, have you personally witnessed this? If you were writing this, what point would you want to make?

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Writing a short essay for my class, critique? (2/28/2007 9:48:47 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: boltaction If I may ask LA, when you say that the community hides destructive people, have you personally witnessed this? If you were writing this, what point would you want to make? Oh sure- everyone's got a group of people who love them. Even if they do something really crappy, the group will act like it wasn't a big deal, or not talk about it. The point I would focus on is how these are consenting adults who express themselves in unique but not harmful ways.

Focus50 -> RE: Writing a short essay for my class, critique? (3/1/2007 3:35:41 AM)
Yikes! May I ask A) just how much experience you personally have with BDSM (incl with a real live sub) and B), who exactly is your target audience? I ask because this nonsense is mostly what I'd expect to be an ignorant vanilla's perception of BDSM. *I'm certainly not gonna attempt LA's methodology here as I'll be typing into the weekend so I'll simply ask a few questions of the "answers" you've posted....* quote: ORIGINAL: boltaction The impression I want to leave is how community is important for the safety of kink minded people, and that is it ok to have these feelings. It is? Are you aware a good many of us live personal & private relationships founded on a D/s or M/s dynamic and that, like the majority of vanilla relationships, we don't generally invite or appreciate ANY "community" getting involved in the intimate machinations of our relationships? *Rather than needing "community" to keep my girl safe, is it not possible to consider that the* *slave I own is also the cherished woman and human-being I love and that I'd NEVER intentionally do anything to harm her? Is that not arguably a more sound safety "circuit breaker" than merely* *learning textbook technique at the local dungeon and practising it on any ole willing submissive "meat"?* *Doubtless 'Rover' will be along to interject here....* quote: It glorifies violence, rape and traumatic childhood experiences. These are all acts of abuse as the victim was never a consenting party, or even an informed adult. And you think such behaviour is the genesis of BDSM? That we are all acting out because we come from a dysfunctional, even damaged upbringing or environment etc? *An overview:* Are you aware that BDSM isn't just about "kink"? I'd venture that for most M/s relationships, the chains and whips etc make up a minority of actively dominating or submitting on a day to day basis. To again use a vanilla analogy for comparison, it's like you're stating a vanilla relationship is about sex.... Actual play is how we express intimacy in a physical sense but in my M/s relationships, I don't stop being 'Master' once the toys are put away! **The actual M/s or D/s dynamic comes from an inbuilt individual primal* need to dominate or submit, but in a consentual and caring manner so no-one gets hurt in an ideal world.*** You are soooo not ready, experienced or qualified to be presenting pro and con arguments on a lifestyle you clearly have little grasp of, esp if you think it's about kink and the product of abuse and/or mental deficiencies. I'm not here to hurt anyone, even when rare accidents happen. And I sure as hell didn't suffer any abuse or "traumatic childhood experiences". Yet I do have a primal need to take charge of my girl and be obeyed - but only a girl with a primal need to please and obey can ever be my girl. Matching complementing needs - not escapees from a therapist's couch! *Focus.*

Squeakers -> RE: Writing a short essay for my class, critique? (3/1/2007 4:17:43 AM)
Using the 'I' statement in any essay would cause me to loose points. Example, I think, I feel, It is my belief,. The essay would be my reflection therefore I would not be able to personalize it in that way. Not sure what course 121 is, if it is a first course or not because mine began with 101 then 102 and currently I am taking 203, but in all of my courses the 'I' statement was definately not allowed.

Sinergy -> RE: Writing a short essay for my class, critique? (3/1/2007 7:28:40 AM)
Hello A/all, I read the essay, and I tend to agree with what the redlines already provided. When I finished your essay I was at somewhat of a loss trying to figure out what point you were actually trying to make. An essay generally follows the format of Introductory paragraph. Sets the stage, indicates what you are going to prove. Supporting paragraphs. Deal with the salient points for what you are proving. Conclusion. Restates what was stated in the introductory paragraph. Indicates that you have proven your position. Secondly, your words did not seem to flow very well. What I would suggest you do is read it out loud into a recording device, and listen to it read out loud. Every time you stop to take a breath, the sentence needs a punctuation mark, like a period, comma, semicolon, etc. Success in your class. Sinergy

sleazy -> RE: Writing a short essay for my class, critique? (3/1/2007 10:00:07 AM)
Got to admit that I am confused. Early you state "I believe that sadomasochistic proclivities are dangerous to our society" and "I deduce that it should be illegal to practice any form.....", yet later you refer to "we" and "our community", implying that you are a member practicing something you believe should be outlawed, hardly a good standpoint to offer an impartial pro/con argument, whilst at the same time saying "we are very normal people". To perform a true point/counter-point argument both sides of the argument should be "they" imho. I shall go with the rest as far as grammar etc are concerned, but the overwhelming impression is very much that bdsm is very nasty and evil, and the practioners of such just claim to be nice people really whining about how they are misunderstood. "It", is not safe sane and consensual, It can be but often is not, the only really relevant word there is consensual. Remember according to the world health organisition sado-masochism is classed as a mental illness, not what many folks would consider sane. If you must refer to SSC, demonstrate how a bdsm relationship can fit the SSC credo. No insults implied, but I think to average Joe your essay proves all their worst points, to me as a practioner of living my own way it appears you are trying to condem me whilst pretending badly to support me.

BitaTruble -> RE: Writing a short essay for my class, critique? (3/1/2007 10:02:18 AM)
FR Essays can almost write themselves if you know how to start them. The aim and purpose of this essay is to show/prove/identify _________ (fill in the blank). I will do this by ________ (fill in the blank). The next few paragraphs should take your points, in order, and expand/prove (with footnotes as needed) them as per your opening paragraph. Your final paragraph should start .. "To recap" where you do a quick synopsis of your points and then 'In conclusion" as your ending with what your believe your essay has proven/shown etc. For your piece I'd start off: ~~~~~~ The aim and purpose of this essay is to show the misconceptions the vanilla population has in regard to safety in the BDSM/kink community. I will do this, first, by defining the terms BDSM, vanilla, risk awareness and consent. Next, I will present some common arguments used by the general public to disparage the practionairs of BDSM then I will counter those arguements. I will be using sources garnered from both mainstream and BDSM publications for my counter points and will include footnotes as needed as well as a bibliography for reference purposes. I will conclude with a synopsis of the essay, showing that the misconceptions regarding BDSM are, generally, baseless according to my sourced material. ~~~~ That's just off the top of my head, so would, of course, need tweaking. Being clear, precise and telling the reader exactly what they are going to get, then delivering on that, is what makes for a good essay (and an A from the prof!) Good luck with your classes. Celeste

amayos -> RE: Writing a short essay for my class, critique? (3/1/2007 10:06:19 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: boltaction It [BDSM] glorifies violence, rape and traumatic childhood experiences. Your essay's opening points, while merely an intellectual exercise in straw man construction, are views many voting people do unfortunately hold. It reminded me briefly of how our society in general is so tremendously duplicitous on so many levels. Among the first to buy a ticket to view Mel Gibson's The Passion of the Christ, I found it of interest how entire families with children aged infancy and up were filling up the seats in that crammed theatre. While deeply enjoying the scourging scene (for reasons I will not get into) amongst a sea of weeping viewers, it occurred to me how that level of gratuitous violence's sexual corollary would no doubt be hardcore pornography—how if the screen were to suddenly switch to a red-eyed blonde choking on an erect penis, the audience would have stampeded out of the theater, the eyes of the children averted. There would be outrage, lawsuits and articles written in the paper.

kate -> RE: Writing a short essay for my class, critique? (3/1/2007 10:26:57 AM)
i would like to see another draft of this essay....becasue this would not get a passing graind from any of my profs. it has a lot of good stuff but it is presented poorly... i think a rewrite would do a world of good.... but congrats on haveing the balls to write a paper on BDSM, i have been trying to work up the nerv to do so for a long time smile

SusanofO -> RE: Writing a short essay for my class, critique? (3/1/2007 10:38:50 AM)
I think it was his "starter essay" and he's going to re-write. I saw it as having good "bones". He's getting lots of good feed-back. Good luck to the OP. - Susab

boltaction -> RE: Writing a short essay for my class, critique? (3/1/2007 10:40:12 AM)
Thanks everyone, over reading it I agree with the primary points. Like I said, this is a rough draft. I will work on it later today after class and hopefully provide a cleaner revision by the end of the day. A little background: I am not qualified to represent BDSM. However, I love spanking and discipline. Pigeonhole that as you will... besides, no one person should ever be qualified to represent this entire community. I am 23 years old, accepted myself at 20, and have been actively searching for 8 months. I use too many "I"'s at the beginning of sentences, thanks for calling me on it.

thetammyjo -> RE: Writing a short essay for my class, critique? (3/1/2007 10:59:41 AM)
This is general advice I give to my students: Read it outloud to yourself and don't rush while you do this. You'll hear a lot of things that your mind will just fill in if you read it silently.

QuietDom -> RE: Writing a short essay for my class, critique? (3/1/2007 11:11:03 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Squeakers Using the 'I' statement in any essay would cause me to loose points. Personal statements from the first-person voice are not necessarily a bad thing, and the old rules against them are fading away. Increasingly, academic and journalistic circles see it as reasonable that the author should acknowledge his/her own existence and accept ownership of his own thoughts, rather than maintain the pretense of being some form of disinterested, omniscient outsider. That being said, however, "I" statements are tricky things to use correctly, and inexperienced writers would do better to avoid them.

sleazy -> RE: Writing a short essay for my class, critique? (3/1/2007 11:22:49 AM)
Personally I can see a point to using "I" but only when arguing the side of the case that I was supporting, in this instance it would be "They say bdsm is bad I intend to demonstrate my community is not bad". Using I for both sides of a debate can lead to confusion as to what exactly the author is thinking and trying to say. For me if an author were to use I for both sides I would rapidly dismiss a lot of their opinions as they would appear to have no clear ideas. On a second reading the anti argument contains a number of points that do not appear to be countered by the pro side without some pretty lateral thinking. I would suggest maybe a format of point then counterpoint follwed by the next argument rather than the current point, point, point, counter, counter, counter style that does not actually seem to address the original points that are anti-bdsm. By the time a reader has reached the first counter the freshest thing in mind is the last point made for the antis. At the very least each counterpoint should refer to the point it is countering "To return to the issue of....." or similar

sugarcandy -> RE: Writing a short essay for my class, critique? (3/1/2007 2:40:27 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: boltaction Hi, thanks for asking the community at large for input. So I am in writing 121 and decided to write a short essay on BDSM and kink in general. It is a point/counterpoint, Then please DO a direct point/counter point as in a debate. Back it up with references. and I am trying to show the ignorance of the opposing argument to the discussion of consensual understanding as my counterpoint. The impression I want to leave is how community is important for the safety of kink minded people, and that is it ok to have these feelings. I am open to any criticism or offer to modify. Too bad there is not "a twue community" as a whole single entity. I guess it is used as a general phrase for lack of a better word. Many more individuals are "active" and do not visit munches, large events, public play spaces, but prefer to be discreet in their proclivities, for privacy reasons, or lack of interest in exhibitionism. Dangerous Roles As America becomes ever more lenient of “alternativeâ” lifestyles, we have begun to see the fringe interest groups speak up for social equality. Of recent memory has been the kink community. I ask you, since when has parading in collars and beating each other with riding crops been regarded as a healthy lifestyle, one that should be taught to our children? I certainly didn’t get the memo. Maybe the proponents of the so-called kink movement forgot to mail it out. Either way, I believe that sadomasochistic proclivities are dangerous to our society. How many parents hand children "The Joy Of Sex"? Teaching our children? Is that is tantamount to saying straight parents teach childen how to perform sex act #%&@!, ? BDSM is an offset of kink which stands for Bondage, Domination and Sadomasochism. It represents a wide range of activities that can be anything from a woman handcuffing her partner to two homosexual men beating each other with golf clubs. If you can imagine it, the kink community offers it. Is this something we want taught in our schools? Golf clubs, lad? [sm=biggrin.gif] FORE! A hole in one ;) It glorifies violence, rape and traumatic childhood experiences. *"I love a parade.." Now, really...* It has only been of recent phenomenon that our society has seen the kink lifestyle become vocal. I believe that this degrading, sexist ideology Who's your Mamma, boy? ( kidding to illustrate a point) Female Dominants DO exist. Or am I dreaming? has been thrust upon our youth with promises of sexual abandon and acceptance. There are so many people who identify with this counterculture with a history of abuse that there are even support groups available specifically for them, within the culture itself. Not only is it harmful to our community and minds, Ouch! My brain! ( true ) it can also be wildly physically dangerous. So is hang gliding, driving a car, walking down the street, swimming, football..... life. No one leaves here alive. There have been accounts of paramedics arriving to an emergency, only to enter a dungeon. There are reported deaths from asphyxiation and heart attacks. Heart attacks and accidental asphyxiation (choking) occur in Burger King and at your friendly neighborhood shopping mall as well. As always, the kink community has a defense for this stupefying ignorance: It is called Safe, Sane and Consensual play. Apparently there is so much danger in this lifestyle that members need to actually explain to other members how to not kill each other. In High School: they teach driver's Ed, health, sports and gym, metal shop... Hopefully: ettiquette, debate, history, proper language skill. Overall, I deduce that it should be illegal to practice any form of kink and the penalties shall be? because it has proven roots in destructive and violent histories, allowing victims to re-create their trauma over and over without healing. Confused and young people may become interested in the eroticism involved and will become abused in the process. Such matters are reserved for a therapist, not in public. Sources, please. Healthy relationships require communication, love and understanding. YES! This has been proven over and over by not only the psychiatric community but through millions of personal accounts as well. When two people share a similar interest that does not hurt anyone, how is it wrong? Many people who look into the world of S&M from the outside cannot understand it; we aren’t trying to force anyone to come to our meetings and play in our dungeons. However, we are very normal people and the burgeoning number of members of this very old community can attest to that. OK.... Importance must be placed on how general the word kink is. It’s so complex and nuanced that generalizations don’t do us any justice. Our community has individuals from every walk of life and every religion; some people find it hard to believe that there are Christian couples who practice erotic spanking in their home, as the stereotype of kink may be assumed to be much more extreme. "Living In America..." It is true that there are people who participate in the community with self destructive or violent intentions. This is why we seek acceptance with others: Without a strong community that keeps a check on healthy relationships there will be opportunity for abuse and misunderstanding. BDSM is a very delicate and nuanced ideology, and something that works for you does not necessarily work for someone else. Everyday - people stress COMMUNICATION. The reason we might hear more about this particular lifestyle is because of the internet. In the past (pre-internet) people who were kink minded did not have such a luxurious and anonymous form of communication, forcing their numbers small and in the closet. However, with the ability to act out ones fantasy in true privacy, the number of accepting and social practitioners has come out for the benefit of many. True. We also fight the war of semantics. This entire argument, for example, is simply about putting a word into something humans have done for hundreds, if not thousands of years. If a woman enjoys pulling her partners hair, is that BDSM? It all depends on how you want to look at it. We believe that the only real damage this lifestyle can bring is the misunderstanding and intolerance of its members by the public sphere. If we don’t work to teach adults that these are acceptable and healthy activities, we may have all lost something. It is sane, safe, and consensual. Run on sentences. Unclear as to point. Edit. Revise. Submit ;) Helpful? Thanks in advance for attempting to educate the public. A public service message. Good luck on that paper!

Padriag -> RE: Writing a short essay for my class, critique? (3/1/2007 4:26:41 PM)
In addition to what LA and others have already said, I'll offer the following points. You appear to be first offering a "common" point of view. This is not clearly defined. I would suggest giving thought to the structure of the essay, make clear you are first presenting an argument against BDSM and provide specific sources for this argument. Who is saying this, who believes this, where did your information come from? Attributing it to common knowledge, however accurate you may (or may not) be is always risky ground. Then, having done that, deconstruct that argument using counter sources and information. Draw on as many sources outside the lifestyle as you can (these will be more credible to an audience than quoting what "Master X" said). If you rely on your own logic, make sure its air-tight. Consider the counter arguments and address them before they are made. You may also want to review the following article which appeared in the Journal of Criminal Justice and Popular Culture in 2001. It may prove useful to you both in framing your argument and locating sources. Deconstructing Myths

RUpainsmith -> RE: Writing a short essay for my class, critique? (3/1/2007 5:02:59 PM)
This does not seem like it's anywhere near being ready to be referred to as an essay. At best, it's an opinion paper or editorial. Determine a thesis for yourself; know why you're writing. If your goal is merely to rant until the word minimum for class is reached, then it will show. I'm avoiding responding to the ignorance, one-sidedness, and lack of sources aspects of the piece, but those are also factors that will adversely impact any quantitative assessment of your writing.

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