Distance, How to Deal With It (Full Version)

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truelyinsatiable -> Distance, How to Deal With It (3/25/2005 4:31:44 AM)

How do you deal with distance that seperates you?



Harrison -> RE: Distance, How to Deal With It (3/25/2005 4:50:09 AM)

It depends on how great a distance.

A couple of hours, by car, is a pain...and, a costly pain with the price of gas and all...but it can be done.

More than that, I find distance can be a show stopper.

I would try and find someone closer.

That's only my way, not the only right way...

Harrison



nella -> RE: Distance, How to Deal With It (3/25/2005 5:08:59 AM)

When I first me my fiance we lived many houers away from one another, that went just fine, eventualy we moved in together.



DesertRat -> RE: Distance, How to Deal With It (3/25/2005 8:23:41 AM)

I wish I knew! Or maybe I do. I recently met someone I think may be perfect (well, not perfect in the absolute sense...you know what I mean) for me, but she lives in the UK. Pretty far from NM. How to deal with it? I can a) settle for platonic friendship; b) just move on and keep looking; or c) take positive steps to make the distance go away.

I have chosen option c. For me, this course of action includes doing our best to let the relationshp grow while we are apart. It also includes a recognition that things don't always work out the way I would like....but sometimes they do.

Bob



MrThorns -> RE: Distance, How to Deal With It (3/25/2005 9:37:27 AM)

Consistent communication.

Letters, emails, phone calls, etc. You visit when you can, but when you can't you let the other person know that they are thought of, missed and valued.

~Thorns



Vancouver_cinful -> RE: Distance, How to Deal With It (3/25/2005 12:06:49 PM)

What I found the hardest was not having some day-to-day contact. A relationship grows in intimacy when you begin to turn to each other for those little daily moments of support and shared-joys.

For me, keeping a daily (private) online journal that he could read and leave comments in helped me feel as though he was there for me. And it gave him a sense of my daily ups and downs and my emotional states and habits.

The nice thing is that it doesn't depend on finding time when you both can be online at the same time.

Having to post everyday (unless there was a very good reason) also gave me a sense of ritual, and helped me feel his daily control over me.

Occasionally he would leave little instructions for me as well. Sometimes sexual, sometimes mundane...and that truly gave me a sense of being dominated, and in service.

It's a very hard road. I wish you well.

Cin



BeachMystress -> RE: Distance, How to Deal With It (3/25/2005 12:35:11 PM)


How much distance are you talking about?

I used to insist that my sub live within 20 mins of me. I hate to drive and never had subs to my home (vanilla housemate.) That meant I was the one to drive. A bit over a year and a half ago I ended up meeting someone on yahoo chat that was two hours away. We hit it off wonderfully, spending 6 hours a day on messenger with each other for about a month. As the time went on, he became more and more interesting to me.. and I broke my rule. I asked if he'd like to meet. That started a 5 month relationship with one of us making a 4 hour round trip each weekend. It was a real drain and we spent half of our time together tired. We could never just get together for quiet dinners during the week. Any time spent together was a major production requiring planning. The distance isn't the major reason that relationship didn't survive, but it was a factor.

My current sub lives an hour away. I go up there weekly and spend 3 nights, then come home. There is the possibility of impromptu dinners, and there have been times when I've gone up on a spur of the moment. The days I am not up there, we spend between one and three hours on the phone, plus between a half hour and two hours on yahoo messenger. This will soon be a moot point, because we'll be living together starting in May.

Anything further away than this, I don't think has a real chance of working out well. I've seen too many relocations gone bad. I personally know of 10 attempted with only one of them lasting longer than a year. It is hard to get to really know someone via brief visits inter spaced by phone/mail/chat.

No matter how well you feel you're getting to know someone via email, snail mail or one of the messaging services, it is a "flat" form of communication. There are no body language or voice inflection cues to tell you how to interpret a given statement. Too much of what you're feeling is their personality is just your reaction to their typed words.

Moving it to phone helps somewhat, since you get voice inflection back; but I feel phone is to enhance a local relationship, not to take the place of weekly/daily time together.

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesertRat
I have chosen option c. For me, this course of action includes doing our best to let the relationshp grow while we are apart. It also includes a recognition that things don't always work out the way I would like....but sometimes they do.


While the emotions you can feel for someone who is an online only relationship seem very real to the people involved, ultimately you're "in love" with your interpretation of their typing. Spend as much time as you can afford on a better way of getting to know each other, such as phone calls and in person visits. One way of feeling like you're getting to know her a bit more is for both of you to write up a list of questions you'd ask each other face to face (those getting to know you ones.. what's your favorite candy, where did you go to school) and then have the other person video tape their answers and mail them. You'll learn the other person's voice inflections and mannerisms as you go along. This should help the transition to real time. Also, have each of you wear an article of clothing (tshirt/shirt) to bed for a week (after a shower of course.) After the week is up, do NOT wash it. Put it in a paper bag (not plastic) and mail it to the other person. Put the shirt on a pillow and sleep with it in bed next to you. While you'll not really notice a scent on the shirt, you do pick up on it, and recognizing it will help each other seem familiar. Replenish the shirt every couple of weeks, sending back the old one to be re worn. I hope it works out for you!



Vancouver_cinful -> RE: Distance, How to Deal With It (3/25/2005 1:49:51 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: BeachMystress


Also, have each of you wear an article of clothing (tshirt/shirt) to bed for a week (after a shower of course.) After the week is up, do NOT wash it. Put it in a paper bag (not plastic) and mail it to the other person. Put the shirt on a pillow and sleep with it in bed next to you. While you'll not really notice a scent on the shirt, you do pick up on it, and recognizing it will help each other seem familiar. Replenish the shirt every couple of weeks, sending back the old one to be re worn. I hope it works out for you!


This is an excellent idea, BeachMystress, and one that seems obvious in hindsight! Smell is so very, very important to the process of recognition and memory.

I know that every now and then someone while sit near me who smells like my first dom, and I will get such a flood of memories of him, and of all the excitement I felt at first submitting to someone.

Great idea!
Cin



danae -> RE: Distance, How to Deal With It (3/25/2005 9:30:21 PM)

My Master and I have a long-term (years) bi-coastal relationship. Neither of us can uproot, yet, for a number of reasons, though we continue to make steady progress. We're both in education, so have some flexibility, and we see each other every 6 weeks or so for mini-honeymoons, more often and longer in the summer. In between, we both have cell phone plans with unlimited minutes, and talk on the phone 5 times a day, and web-cam at night. He says we communicate more than a lot of married couples living together, lol. It's still lonely and miserable and very hard to do, but truely, I'm compelled. He is "the One".

danae
[:)]



Histeacup -> RE: Distance, How to Deal With It (3/26/2005 1:38:30 PM)

I personally do not believe long distance relationships can work in this life style. I will go as far as to say i think they are a joke and I myself do not take anything on line seriously...Mark



GentleLady -> RE: Distance, How to Deal With It (3/27/2005 1:45:09 AM)

That really depends on how far away you are and how much time you have spent together physically.

I was in a strictly on-line relationship for two years and I agree 100% with BeahcMystress on Her point
quote:

Too much of what you're feeling is their personality is just your reaction to their typed words.
I was head over heels in love with the image I had of the person and made serious plans to move. After I bought the plane tickets and had sold all My possessions he told Me that he was not able to commit to a real time relationship. I had spent part of every day speaking with this person and believed that I knew him intimately.

My current relationship is significantly different. I spent months getting to know him in real time and even living with him during a six month vacation (I used the plane tickets). Then we faced My departure. The relationship was strong enough to continue long distance and we stayed in touch with daily e-mails and weekly phone calls of up to 4 hours. In addition we travelled to each other's country for 6-9 weeks time every 4 months. Now I am back in Australia permanently and we are living together.

Gentle Lady



smilezz -> RE: Distance, How to Deal With It (3/27/2005 4:18:53 AM)

We live in a free country, everyone is entitled to their own opinions. I have to say that i never thought i would be in a LDR either. I met Thorns when He was still living in Germany and i in Michigan....we ended up meeting in r/t after a few months, never expected it to be more than once a year if we were lucky.
Thorns moved back to the States...i left Michigan and we have settled in Arizona. It has now been over Four years and our relationship continues to Grow...the bond is stronger than it ever was...we are in this for the long haul. It was worth turning on my computer and heading into that lil' chat room that we spoke in all those years ago.
Long Distance Relationships are harder than hell......but they can be done.


Happy Sunday!

~smilezz~



AAkasha -> RE: Distance, How to Deal With It (3/27/2005 9:36:15 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Histeacup

I personally do not believe long distance relationships can work in this life style. I will go as far as to say i think they are a joke and I myself do not take anything on line seriously...Mark


I used to use the net only as a resource to meet boytoys and weekend playthings; I pursued real life relationships in real life and had no interest in an emotionally involved long distance internet/phone relationship.

One of my 22 year old "boytoys" and I got to know each other more than I had planned, and to make a long story short when he came out to meet me in real life 2 years later for a weekend trip, he never left. We got married three months later and he lives permanently in the states (he's from a different country) We've been married three years.

It can happen, even to those people who INSIST it won't, and even avoid it.

Akasha



Rayne58 -> RE: Distance, How to Deal With It (4/1/2005 9:22:36 PM)

I met Master on a message board site 2 1/2 years ago. He lived in Australia and I in New Zealand. We were friends first and I would turn to Him for advice sometimes. I knew He was a Master but I'd had no experience of being a sub although I'd always had the fantasies of being tied up and controlled.

Then a relationship I was in (long distance but in NZ) came to a sticky end and He was a rock for me. We began to get closer over the next few weeks and chatted online and sent emails and private messages most days. I knew He had health issues and He was reluctant to get involved with anyone because of that and also His own marriage had ended badly and He found it hard to give His trust and love, until He met me. I flew over to visit Him in Nov 03 and within days we knew.....this was it. I flew back and sold up and moved to Australia in January last year.

We have been apart a couple of times since then, I have had to fly back to NZ because of my father's health. In fact I am there right now, Dad died 2 weeks ago [X(] We have emailed and chatted every day I have been gone. I am returning to Him in 2 days and the time is seeming to crawl. Communication is the one thing that has made it bearable. Even just a few lines in an email, to know that He is ok. We are lucky that I have been staying where I have computer access and access to msn and yahoo chat.

I feel for those who have long distance love. It is not an easy thing, especially for those who can see no end to their waiting. At least with Master I had a finite time when I knew the waiting would be ending.



baileythorne -> RE: Distance, How to Deal With It (4/1/2005 9:29:20 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: truelyinsatiable

How do you deal with distance that seperates you?


I have been looking for a life partner for several years and I made up my mind that I was willing to move to make that happen. I may be putting that to the test early next year.

I met Lawrence/Topcat here and we had a marvelous interlude both helping the other to get back out in the world after major break ups. It wasn't a "life partner" connection although I believe I have made a very good friend for life. We planned to attend Black Rose together but at the last minute Lawrence was unable to attend. There I was at a major kink event alone, but surrounded by friends. I, of course, made the best of it.

I met someone. Dylan. And it's become serious. He lives in Virginia and I live in San Francisco.

How do we deal with this and why?

He had an epiphany at New Year's that he was head over heels very much in love with me. From that point forward the conversations were very much about making a plan to live in the same zip code. That evolved to a goal of living in the same house. We agreed not to make any drastic decisions for at least a year, but we both committed to make the time & spend the money to see each other once a month. If we are still doing this in December, we will make plans for me to move to Virginia early next year.

Is this all about love? Hell no. There are so many more variables we both have considered in addition to sex & play that we also find to be compatible:
- financial goals & retirement planning
- how out we prefer to be with our kinks
- how involved we want to be in the local community
- how we would fit into each other's families
- how we can work together instead of having disjoint careers
- how well we get along with each other's friends
- how happy we might be growing old together
- what we consider to be quality time together
- what we each bring to the table that enhances the other's life
- what vanilla hobbies we have and how interested or tolerant the other is of those hobbies
- how we feel about children & building a family
and the list continues...

For now we talk on the phone several times a day, trade text messages, always have a good night call if possible, and stake out 4 days a month to spend together. Some days there is no talk of play or sex at all. Some days the conversation can be quite racy.

Is it hard sometimes? Very. Especially for him as he has never tried being in a LDR. I have more practice.

Do we have to have difficult conversations on occasion? Yes, especially around issues that have cropped up because we both agreed that we want to allow other partners in our lives and, well, jealousy is an interesting emotion to deal with. However, every time we have a difficult discussion and come through it, we have added another solid brick to the foundation we are building.

Is it ideal? No. But is it worth the tradeoffs to me to finally be able to build a life with someone I feel I will still be happy with over the long haul? A B S O L U T E L Y :-)

--bailey



Mouthy -> RE: Distance, How to Deal With It (4/2/2005 2:18:20 PM)

This advice arises out of specific circumstances in my own life and may have no application to you. If you feel that you have something truly special and thrilling going with someone who lives far away, and your contact has been exclusively web- and phone-based, then it may apply.

MEET THE PERSON, IN PERSON, AS SOON AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN.

I didn't do that, and the meeting in person is what ended the "relationship" (which had gone on for well over a year, getting better all that time, if you don't count his baffling reluctance to meet in person, which I didn't).

There is a body of extremely important interpersonal information that people acquire about one another in person that simply cannot be provided electronically. People can't tell you the things they don't know, or aren't ready to admit, about themselves. And if they're carrying deep shame, they can't get into that, either. But the impact of those elements on YOU can be enormous. And if they only feel safe on the web, they can't tell you THAT.

I did not, for one moment, think the guy I was "involved' with was lying to me in any sort of deliberate manner. But he was lying to himself in a pretty big way, and I had no way of knowing that until I was on his bed, in his one-room apartment, for a one-week vacation, AND HE SPENT MORE TIME ON HIS COMPUTER THAN HE DID INTERACTING WITH ME IN ANY WAY AT ALL. Let alone all the hot kink he'd talked about so much.

When he DID fuck, it was all vanilla. ALL of it. I couldn't believe it then and it still seems unbelievable to me now.

If you've got a web-based fantasy in progress: meet your co-fantasist. The fantasies may die a very painful death, but this is YOUR LIFE we're talking about.



AAkasha -> RE: Distance, How to Deal With It (4/2/2005 3:20:18 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mouthy

This advice arises out of specific circumstances in my own life and may have no application to you. If you feel that you have something truly special and thrilling going with someone who lives far away, and your contact has been exclusively web- and phone-based, then it may apply.

MEET THE PERSON, IN PERSON, AS SOON AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN.

I didn't do that, and the meeting in person is what ended the "relationship" (which had gone on for well over a year, getting better all that time, if you don't count his baffling reluctance to meet in person, which I didn't).

There is a body of extremely important interpersonal information that people acquire about one another in person that simply cannot be provided electronically. People can't tell you the things they don't know, or aren't ready to admit, about themselves. And if they're carrying deep shame, they can't get into that, either. But the impact of those elements on YOU can be enormous. And if they only feel safe on the web, they can't tell you THAT.

I did not, for one moment, think the guy I was "involved' with was lying to me in any sort of deliberate manner. But he was lying to himself in a pretty big way, and I had no way of knowing that until I was on his bed, in his one-room apartment, for a one-week vacation, AND HE SPENT MORE TIME ON HIS COMPUTER THAN HE DID INTERACTING WITH ME IN ANY WAY AT ALL. Let alone all the hot kink he'd talked about so much.

When he DID fuck, it was all vanilla. ALL of it. I couldn't believe it then and it still seems unbelievable to me now.

If you've got a web-based fantasy in progress: meet your co-fantasist. The fantasies may die a very painful death, but this is YOUR LIFE we're talking about.


There is also the reality that no matter how much you "click" online and/or on the phone, even after exchanging photos, you don't know what the chemistry will or will NOT be in person. The longer you stay in a long distance relationship that doesn't have any face to face interaction, the longer you are possibly deluding yourself and the other person if real life doesn't pan out.

There are some people you just can't get attracted to -- period! I found that my hit or miss ratios for "online" and phone lust were about 70% transfered to real life. But what if those 30% had been months or years of daily talks, emails, etc? And it led to nothing?

I made it a rule to meet someone in the flesh as quickly as possible if the "playful lust" turned into genuine affection and what felt like potential for love. When a person on email or on the phone is the person you would rather spend a Friday night with instead of real life friends or going out to meet potential partners -- you need to make a decision to meet and decide whether or not to move forward.

This was the case for me with what started as a harmless, flirtacious online play partner who was 10 yrs younger than me and in a different country. I had NO intentions of him being anything but a playtoy. Our phone calls got longer, our emails got more frequent, and my time with him started to become more than just a flirty online thing. I told him we needed to meet in real life -- he said no, several times. Shy, not ready, etc. I finally had to demand it, because my real life social life was taking a backseat to 5 hour phone calls 6 nights a week to a man I had never met but couldn't stop thinking about.

I demanded to meet him just so I could get him out of my head, realize the chemistry was a fantasy and move on to real life, more practical partners. We did meet, but the chemistry *was* there, and more, and we ended up getting married a few months later.

Meet someone as soon as you can if the person starts becoming more of a priority in your life than finding a long term relationship.

Akasha



astralboy -> RE: Distance, How to Deal With It (4/2/2005 5:01:56 PM)

Long distance can be fun, and it can make fantasies become true... but moving to real life is requires much more. I was in a LD relationship, and the wounds are not healed yet [:(] .

puppy pet



LdyAuburn -> RE: Distance, How to Deal With It (4/3/2005 6:09:02 AM)

Definitely agree with the statment of the longer it takes to meet real time the more it is to fail, (or my corruption of similar words) People I know who have spent months and months online, I am in Australian and lots have met online people from usa, uk etc, when they meet just dont click. It appears less fantasies build up in very short periods of time.

regards



diaperedbaby -> RE: Distance, How to Deal With It (4/3/2005 8:38:47 AM)

I certainly think it could work, but it would take some real commitment on both sides for it to last.
Many have done it, but it has to be the right attraction
My two cents



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