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Go Slow and Be Safe - 3/25/2005 7:33:30 AM

Harrison

Posts: 17
Joined: 3/6/2005
Status: offline

I have been popping around these boards and lately, I've noticed something. For many of the questions asked, the short answer is much the same....

"Go Slow and Be Safe"

Question:
How can I be sure I am ready to meet a dom in person?
Answer:
Go Slow and Be Safe

Question:
How can a new sub avoid the dangers?
Answer:
Go Slow and Be Safe

Question:
I have a fear of taking this to real life. What do I do?
Answer:
Go Slow and Be Safe

Question:
How do you know if your master is real?
Answer:
Go Slow and Be Safe

It seems to me that many of us are in a terrible hurry to get through the stages like it is some sort of race.

We must meet a dom/sub and we must get to see them face to face and we must dominate/submit them completely and we must move in and we must do a TPE....and we must...and we must....

And, that's just the first week.

jeez!

new ones, listen to me. If you meet someone who is in a hurry, watch out! Go Slow and Be Safe. Expect them to do the same.

Caution is your best friend. Read the posts. Go at a slow pace. Find a wise one to talk with and bounce things off them. When you meet someone who interests you, take too much time talking with them in chat. Make sure they meet your standards. Take twice as much more time before agreeing to meet them in person. Do it in a public place!!! Don't be in a hurry to scene and don't rush into a collar....or to collar.

Believe me, those who are real will wait and they will appreciate that you want to take it slow because they need the time to get to know you, too.

When a sub rushes to me and clings on like I am the only one who can save her from the world.....I get away as fast as I can.

There will be those who will pressure you to go fast. That should be a sign of danger to you, too.

There are those who insist you call them sir, five minutes after you've met. That's not normal. Beware.

Go Slow and Be Safe.

Aferall, this is a lifetime life....what's your hurry?

(ok, I'm off the soapbox,......who wants to use it next?)

Harrison

Post #: 1

RE: Go Slow and Be Safe - 3/25/2005 7:49:15 AM

EmeraldSlave2

Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Harrison
Take twice as much more time before agreeing to meet them in person. Do it in a public place!!! Don't be in a hurry to scene and don't rush into a collar....or to collar.

See this is what I'd disagree with. If you want to get a clear idea of the person, take LESS time before meeting in person. It's the fakers who will back away quickly and find excuses not to meet. We're independent adults here, we SHOULD be able to judge people meeting them in real life better than online.

Go slow and be safe is general good advice. I personally think a new person in the scene should not even THINK about getting into a committed relationship for at least 6 months. But I think people should get offline as soon as they can.

(in reply to Harrison)

Post #: 2

RE: Go Slow and Be Safe - 3/25/2005 7:59:36 AM

TallDarkAndWitty

Posts: 1893
Joined: 6/12/2004
From: Rochester, NY
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: EmeraldSlave2

quote:

ORIGINAL: Harrison
Take twice as much more time before agreeing to meet them in person. Do it in a public place!!! Don't be in a hurry to scene and don't rush into a collar....or to collar.

See this is what I'd disagree with. If you want to get a clear idea of the person, take LESS time before meeting in person. It's the fakers who will back away quickly and find excuses not to meet. We're independent adults here, we SHOULD be able to judge people meeting them in real life better than online.

Go slow and be safe is general good advice. I personally think a new person in the scene should not even THINK about getting into a committed relationship for at least 6 months. But I think people should get offline as soon as they can.

Hell yes!!!

I am not even conviced if "Go slow" is good advice for anyone who has been in this (irl) for more than a year. Life is short...the happiest people I have ever met are the ones who took chances.

Taggard

_____________________________

A most rewarding compliment is an insult from the ill-informed.

My slave: Kat (RainaVerene on the other side) and her website: RainaVerene.com

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)

Post #: 3

RE: Go Slow and Be Safe - 3/25/2005 8:13:54 AM

Atavist

Posts: 124
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline

I think what is meant be "go slow and be safe" is don't jump into bed or a collar in week one. It seems lots of folks do. I read almost weekly announcements in some profiles of being collared by a different person. Its, uh, odd.

I agree with Emerald though, if you feel you've met a person here that is compatible, you should meet in a public place in a reasonably short time and simply have a nice lunch or dinner and get to know each other.

(in reply to TallDarkAndWitty)

Post #: 4

RE: Go Slow and Be Safe - 3/25/2005 8:31:17 AM

stormsfate

Posts: 849
Joined: 2/1/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Atavist

. I read almost weekly announcements in some profiles of being collared by a different person. Its, uh, odd.

It *is* odd and I think shows a lack of understanding for how serious of a commitment a collar is. But apparently not everyone seems to think so these days :::sigh:::

Now I am of the school who likes to get to know someone a bit before I rush to meet them in person. Someone who is rushing to meet us in person the day after we meet them online throws up red flags to me. Chat a week or so online....move to the telephone...and gradually move to the r/l meeting. What's the rush?

best regards,
fate

_____________________________

Vision? What do you know about MY vision? My vision would turn your world upside down, tear asunder your illusions and the sanctuary of your own ignorance crashing down around you! Now ask yourself, are you really ready to see that vision? [/size

(in reply to Atavist)

Post #: 5

RE: Go Slow and Be Safe - 3/25/2005 8:45:11 AM

TallDarkAndWitty

Posts: 1893
Joined: 6/12/2004
From: Rochester, NY
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: stormsfate

Chat a week or so online....move to the telephone...and gradually move to the r/l meeting. What's the rush?

For me, it isn't a time thing, it is an enjoyment thing. Chatting on the phone, or online, really does nothing for me. I will exchange emails or postings on a message board, but I would much rather sit down for a face to face chat over a bottle of wine and some wonderful food.

I am willing to go a month or so with emails and such, but there is simply not enough reward for me in chatting to make it worth my time. I need interpersonal interaction in three dimensions...

Taggard

_____________________________

A most rewarding compliment is an insult from the ill-informed.

My slave: Kat (RainaVerene on the other side) and her website: RainaVerene.com

(in reply to stormsfate)

Post #: 6

RE: Go Slow and Be Safe - 3/25/2005 8:46:27 AM

Gemeni

Posts: 255
Joined: 2/19/2005
Status: offline

I have a tendency to take my time getting to know the VANILLA side of someone first.

And collars are meaningless to me,and I think anyone who sees one as the pinnacle of a relationship is an idiot.

It's the connection you both have the matters,and that always takes time.

(in reply to stormsfate)

Post #: 7

RE: Go Slow and Be Safe - 3/25/2005 8:48:16 AM

nella

Posts: 1243
Joined: 12/30/2004
From: Norway
Status: offline

I think this will wary from person to person.

(in reply to Gemeni)

Post #: 8

RE: Go Slow and Be Safe - 3/25/2005 8:50:24 AM

ProtagonistLily

Posts: 1222
Joined: 12/27/2004
Status: offline

quote:

Go slow and be safe is general good advice. I personally think a new person in the scene should not even THINK about getting into a committed relationship for at least 6 months. But I think people should get offline as soon as they can.

I totally agree with this...particularly giving yourself some time to adjust to the RL scene before getting heavily involved with someone in a committed thing. My advice to anyone who's got a desire but has only been on line is to Google Search BDSM in your area/region and see if there are any groups to become involved with. Groups not only offer a place to meet and very often dungeon parties, but the good groups offer educational components through workshops and learning sessions.

Good luck,
Lily

_____________________________

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"
~Dr. Seuss~

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)

Post #: 9

RE: Go Slow and Be Safe - 3/25/2005 8:52:55 AM

CitizenCane

Posts: 349
Joined: 3/11/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: EmeraldSlave2

quote:

ORIGINAL: Harrison
Take twice as much more time before agreeing to meet them in person. Do it in a public place!!! Don't be in a hurry to scene and don't rush into a collar....or to collar.

See this is what I'd disagree with. If you want to get a clear idea of the person, take LESS time before meeting in person. It's the fakers who will back away quickly and find excuses not to meet. We're independent adults here, we SHOULD be able to judge people meeting them in real life better than online.

Go slow and be safe is general good advice. I personally think a new person in the scene should not even THINK about getting into a committed relationship for at least 6 months. But I think people should get offline as soon as they can.

Gotta agree with Emerald on this one. We meet people we know nothing about face to face everyday- it used to be the only way to meet people. Internet interactions don't allow us to use a lot of the subtle but powerful tools of evaluation we use F2F all the time- so find a safe place to meet, have a safe call, and have a cuppa tea. How really dangerous is it to meet somebody at a Denny's?

_____________________________

Citizen Cane

If silence is golden, why is duct tape silver?

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)

Post #: 10

RE: Go Slow and Be Safe - 3/25/2005 8:58:21 AM

TallDarkAndWitty

Posts: 1893
Joined: 6/12/2004
From: Rochester, NY
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Gemeni
And collars are meaningless to me,and I think anyone who sees one as the pinnacle of a relationship is an idiot.

Well, at least you are accepting of other's view points...</sarcasm>

Taggard

_____________________________

A most rewarding compliment is an insult from the ill-informed.

My slave: Kat (RainaVerene on the other side) and her website: RainaVerene.com

(in reply to Gemeni)

Post #: 11

RE: Go Slow and Be Safe - 3/25/2005 9:35:14 AM

MrThorns

Posts: 919
Joined: 6/4/2004
Status: offline

I'm curious about what people must have done before the "internets" were (was?) invented. Can't you go slow and be safe in person? If not, then I would say that it would be best to avoid any and all offline social interraction.

I agree with emerald on this. It's easier for me to get to know someone in person than online. Hell...online you never really know who you are talking to anyway. My pic could be a fake, my philosophies could be cut and pasted from someone else's profile/website, I may have never even seen a flogger up close much less know how to swing one. In person, I think you just get a better idea of what you are working with. That doesn't mean you need to rush into something.

~Thorns

_____________________________

~"Do you know what the chain of command is? Its the chain I beat ya with when ya don't follow my command."

"My inner child is a mean little fucker"

(in reply to TallDarkAndWitty)

Post #: 12

RE: Go Slow and Be Safe - 3/25/2005 9:57:14 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

quote:

And collars are meaningless to me,and I think anyone who sees one as the pinnacle of a relationship is an idiot.

Gemeni,
I find this statement true more often then not lately. People have denigrated the value of collars by tossing them around like junior high school kids passing out friendship rings. "Temporary", "Probationary", "Velcro", "Protection", and lately there is a whole litany of colors that are supposed to indicate something to someone who is in on the secret. As a result when someone says they are collared now it's almost as meaningless as someone wearing a wedding ring.

How someone could meet someone in a weekend and end up begging for a collar from a "master" who then leaves to go back to where he lives thousands of miles away is just a joke. It's reverting back to the 50's mentality where solders would give a cheap engagement ring to a pie eyed high school girl before departing for boot camp. And it's just about as meaningful. Except now the Internet replaces those sappy pen pay letters. I can appreciate the "Foreploy" aspect of this behavior, but the process does cheapen the meaning.

That said, I don't agree with the necessity of "going slow". Go as slow or fast as necessary to get to the point of decision. Go FAST to find out if they are real or fake. Meet as soon as possible to get that out of the way. Then, just don't be desperate. Hopefully your goal isn't to declare in your favorite chat room that you are now "collared". Hopefully you and your partner will have a relationship in mind with common interests both within and outside the lifestyle. You'll find that out at a pace which is different for every relationship.

If after that process trust has been established and you want to commit to the relationship a collar is a good way to represent that fact. After that process it should mean something.

A collar has only as much integrity and meaning as the person giving it and the person wearing it. It's difficult to take someone seriously who lists as their experience as having "collared 25 slaves", or on the other side, "i've been collared 28 times in the past 2 years." Only in this lifestyle resume is failure listed and high-lighted to be perceived as an asset. It's like a person applying for a job with me and listing the fact that they've been fired or quit a position ten times in the last two years. I don't have to interview him to know their is something inherently lacking in his commitment.

(in reply to Gemeni)

Post #: 13

RE: Go Slow and Be Safe - 3/25/2005 9:57:46 AM

stormsfate

Posts: 849
Joined: 2/1/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Gemeni

And collars are meaningless to me,and I think anyone who sees one as the pinnacle of a relationship is an idiot.

<chuckling> Collars are a symbol...much like any other symbol...a wedding ring...the cross...the star of david. Its what it symbolizes to people that is the pinnacle of the relationship and what is being referred to, NOT that actual piece of leather or metal. Of course some just use a collar as a toy, much as some feel a wedding band is just another piece of jewelry.

best regards,
fate

_____________________________

Vision? What do you know about MY vision? My vision would turn your world upside down, tear asunder your illusions and the sanctuary of your own ignorance crashing down around you! Now ask yourself, are you really ready to see that vision? [/size

(in reply to Gemeni)

Post #: 14

RE: Go Slow and Be Safe - 3/25/2005 11:35:03 AM

celestia

Posts: 46
Joined: 1/5/2005
Status: offline

Collars come in colors?! I want pink! Or maybe that gives the worng msg to someone who has the code.

IMO "Be safe" is more important than "go slow". We are all adults, or at least we claim to be, so pace is easily determined by your impressions of the person. I feel I am a fairly good judge of a person when I begin talking to them, if my instincts feel "iffy" then I back off. Easy as that, trust that feeling. If I feel like "hey theres a connection" here then why not meet, as long as I have safe gaurds in place, like a public setting and making sure others know where and who I am with. Why not?
You can only learn so much through text.

_____________________________

We are, sun and moon, earth and sky. We were not ment to be the same, but to compliment one another.

(in reply to stormsfate)

Post #: 15

RE: Go Slow and Be Safe - 3/25/2005 11:53:13 AM

BeachMystress

Posts: 2156
Joined: 4/3/2004
From: Naples Island- Long Beach CA - Southern California
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Gemeni
And collars are meaningless to me,and I think anyone who sees one as the pinnacle of a relationship is an idiot.
It's the connection you both have the matters,and that always takes time.

Since collars symbolize connection and commitment to most people who are serious about the lifestyle, what you just said reads to me; " And connection and commitment are meaningless to me,and I think anyone who sees one as the pinnacle of a relationship is an idiot. Then you go on to say that the connection is important. Hmmm....

I must be an idiot, because my upcoming marriage to my sub and our formal collaring will be a highpoint in our relationship. I'm sorry nothing symbolizes the commitment/connection/love that can exist between a Dominant and a sub for you. I'll remain happily an idiot with the only sub (out of a great many) I've ever offered a collar.

_____________________________

Beach Mystress
*Do not threaten the weak. Intimidate the strong. ~ Stevenson*
http://beachmystress.jigsy.com
http://www.flickr.com/photos/beachmystress/

(in reply to Gemeni)

Post #: 16

RE: Go Slow and Be Safe - 3/25/2005 1:13:06 PM

onceburned

Posts: 2117
Joined: 1/4/2005
From: Iowa
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BeachMystress
my upcoming marriage to my sub

I must have missed this! OMG, congratulations to both of you! This is wonderful!

(in reply to BeachMystress)

Post #: 17

RE: Go Slow and Be Safe - 3/25/2005 1:24:56 PM

Vancouver_cinful

Posts: 1911
Joined: 2/3/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Harrison

It seems to me that many of us are in a terrible hurry to get through the stages like it is some sort of race.

We must meet a dom/sub and we must get to see them face to face and we must dominate/submit them completely and we must move in and we must do a TPE....and we must...and we must....

And, that's just the first week.

This seems to be a fairly common stage, a sort of newbie frenzy. I believe it's more prevalent in subs then in dom/mes but I could be wrong on that.

It's hard to control the urge to jump into the deep end, but you are right...slow down, try to savour!

Cin

_____________________________

Cin

quote:

My Karma Account is huge, but I just can't seem to make a withdrawal!!

http://cinful.wordpress.com

(in reply to Harrison)

Post #: 18

RE: Go Slow and Be Safe - 3/25/2005 2:00:23 PM

caitlyn

Posts: 3473
Joined: 12/22/2004
Status: offline

Meeting someone soon for lunch or dinner really doesn't seem like that big a deal to me.

I always considered that when I meet a guy at school, or in church, or Starbucks for that matter ... I really don't know much about him, past that he asked me out. If I go out with him I'll probably be getting in his car and driving around in the evening when it is dark ... and who knows if he is a good guy or a weirdo-psychopath with a knife (no offense to psychopaths intended).

To me, if you really want to meet someone, why not meet them in a public place right away? Who cares if you first met them on the net. The pizza delivery guy probably knows more about you then someone you met on the net.

caitlyn

< Message edited by caitlyn -- 3/25/2005 3:23:57 PM >

(in reply to Vancouver_cinful)

Post #: 19

RE: Go Slow and Be Safe - 3/25/2005 2:17:32 PM

TallDarkAndWitty

Posts: 1893
Joined: 6/12/2004
From: Rochester, NY
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: caitlyn
(no offense to psychopaths intended).

None taken...

*smile*

Taggard

_____________________________

A most rewarding compliment is an insult from the ill-informed.

My slave: Kat (RainaVerene on the other side) and her website: RainaVerene.com

(in reply to caitlyn)

Post #: 20

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