DistantThunder
Posts: 48
Joined: 8/5/2004
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Gentlemen... and yes this IS primarily for the gentlemen. (But, by all means ladies do follow along...)
Recently it has been brought to my attention that indeed there is somewhat of a... hesitation or a sense of being threatened in this new era of female auto-erotic stimulation devices... (Re-reads that... Yeah that's what I meant to say... I think) ... which can often be found in bedside drawers, nestled between matresses or lined up on a shelf as though they were trophies won in events that produce more sweat than ZOOMBA...
Now, I know... *Sighs* I KNOW... it can be somewhat intimidating to see any object that more closely resembles an ICBM rocket and has mathematically the equivelant power, but think gents think. These are called B.O.B.s (Battery Operated Boyfriends)
It is 3:30 a.m. in the morning, you're dreaming of riding a speeder bike (A note to the ladies ALL MEN DREAM OF HAVING A STAR WARS SPEEDER BIKE and the first woman to invent one wil not only be rich, but have men *Most of whom have action figure collections* lining up in droves outside her door) and you are flying through a sky filled with giant english muffins dripping with rubber cement when the next thing you realize their is the distinct sensation of fingers on your... yeah.
Now, the night before you started something that only .001% of the male population can fulfill to completion more than four times a month and now the piper has come for her payment... (Please note the double entandra there *Smiling proudly*) Now there are three choices that present themselves here.
I.) Growl something nasty, roll over and go back to conquering the Zebnars on planet Ule.. (A note gentlemen, this works maybe once or twice and then your lady love is playing pipes for someone else (AHH "playing pipes" the cheek of the man...)
II.) Attempt to finish what you started the natural way, which might indeed work, but three issues arise immediately.
a.) You actually complete the sensual transaction in which case you are DOOMED... The impression left is that you can only finish this act at 3:30 a.m. and you will NEVER RIDE THAT SPEEDER BIKE AGAIN!!! From that point forward you will be woken up in the dark of the morning and be asked to do what you do and sleep will be denied you until the DAY YOU DIE!!!
b.) You will fail at the procedure, in which case you will be gingerly patted on the head and OH THE SHAME.
c.) She will fall asleep before you do and this miraculous moment will be shared by you and you alone and lets be honest gents, we share that moment alone A LOT!!!
III.) Thro caution and fear to the wind and grab a device that requires twelve "D" cell batteries, insert a randy glint in your eye (Insert a look in the EYES people... Geez, bunch a friggin perverts), pull that ignition cord (Please quote your manual and if it helps it looks similar to the pull cord on your lawn mowers), ignore the plumes of exhaust spewing out the back of said device and bring your lady to a quivering puddle of giggling, babbling ecstasy.
Now, there are some benefits to this final protocol. If you have never seen a woman do a crab walk backwards up a wall and onto a ceiling it is an image of divine splendor and you can always fill the claw marks in the wall with putty.
You can learn a new langauge, especially if you are with someone who actually speaks a forgein langauge, but a note of warning, when meeting the parents of your exotic beauty, it is best not to repeat what you have heard, the awkwardness of introducing yourself to a potential future inlaw with "Oh GOD, oh GOD YES, THERE oh GOD, Dont Stop YESSSS!" in both inappropriate and the mother will always have that strange glint and half hidden smile which will confuse you FOR YEARS... TRUST ME. Ironically your vixen need not be of forgein orgin to learn new dialects either and you CAN use these in churches where people are renowned for speaking in tongues, after all, who truly knows the defition of "Wooo ahh B,b,b,b Unghhh WAHHHH!" NONE OF US, that's who.
Now in an attempt tp facilitate those young men who are unfamiliar with the devices in question, unlike the few products currently on the market for the male gender such as... "The Plastic Pulsating Pussy" or the "Handyman's Handy Hand Helper" (No punchline, that is what they are called...) The ladies devices come in a veritable PLETHORA of colors, names and sizes. There is "The Dolphin", the "Butterfly", The "Silver Egg", the REMOTE "Silver Egg", the "Wicked Wanda Wand" if you go into your local boutique I am certain there will be someone there to assist you with some of the more unusual vernacular that you will be presented with. Bear in mind that not all of these objects do the same thing. Some will only stimulate this or that, while other go for both and some do things which are best left to the imagination. Neither should you be intimdated by the size or girth of some of these objects. Yes, yes, yes some of them can in fact hold a family of bears as they hiberante, but fear not, the target you are aiming for is an amazing wonder of evolution and is in fact designed to facilitate a basketball size head and it almost always goes back to its original shape, think of your old Stretch Armstrong toy. Though it would be wise to first ASK your lover what she prefers to avoid complications or having it used on YOU and a man is never quite right after that... noooo. Also, never, never, NEVER attempt to test ANY of these device on household pets, the scars will not heal, there are not enough treats in the WORLD to tempt them out from under the bed and the pet is never quite after that... noooo.
So gentlemen there it is, an olive branch of sorts to help you become more accustomed and help you to acclimate in these ever evolving days of electric glory. If it helps to remember, none of these devices can yet mow the lawn, change the car's oil, get a cold drink from the frig or *Makes a cute face* cuddle. But be warned my friends, the Japanese are working on that at this very moment, think "The Terminator" with attachments. So if you are NOT mowing the lawn, changing the car's oil, retrieving cold drinks from the frig or *Makes another cute face* cuddling... SNAP TO IT. It is only a matter of time before these actions are replaced by cyborgs that CAN wake up at 3:30 a.m. go until 3:30 p.m. and it is rumored they can be programmed to watch "CHICK FLICKS".
On a side note, this goes a LONG way to explaining why when you go to the hardware store there are never any "D" cell batteries for your flashlights and anyway it helps you get back to riding that speeder bike that much faster.
Now all of you go away, you know FAR too much about what I have in my toy chest and there is currently a sale at the local hardware store on batteries... Sooooo... I go... scat (Remember when that just meant move along)... git... Go on.
Dazvidanya,
D.T.
< Message edited by DistantThunder -- 3/2/2007 7:08:13 AM >
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