myobedience
Posts: 472
Joined: 1/28/2007
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quote:
ORIGINAL: StellaByStarlite
Earlier today, I went to my little brother's grave to see if it needed straightening up and ended up sobbing there for almost 2 hours. Now I'm physically exhausted, behind on my chores, and left with the usual hateful tangle of emotions. Despair and anger, guilt and longing.
As happy as I am with exploring and discovering all this, I guess sometimes I feel I'd give it all up just to have my boy back. Like I have no right to be happy right now, because he's gone, and a part of me left with him forever. Then the guilt hits again: How can I be feeling this way? Over and over.
Bereavement is such a paradox. I want it to be over with, I want to rewind time, I want to stop the clock and keep mourning forever. My owner supports me as much as he's able, but he feels helpless, because this is something I need to just get through on my own. and he's grieving, too, since my brother and him were very close. I just don't feel very slavey right now, and it's irrational to make myself guilty over it, but there it is.
My question is.. has any slave/sub been hit with stuff beyond your control that overwhelmed you for a time? How did you manage to deal with it?
God, I just want my brother back. Everything else has frozen in place, lol.
Cheers,
Stella
HUGS Stella.
Kubler-Ross wrote about the cycle of grief and grieving.
I went from anger to despair, from anger to depression, the guilt and longing cycle spun me endlessly, from depression to hope, from numb to searing emotions...........
There came a time when I HAD to make a choice.
Will I stay a victim?
Do I choose to be a victim? Why?
This was a running comment to comment on my blog on another site....
regarding this very thing....
i wish i could say past experiences are long forgotten, but wounds heal slowly.
Past experiences should never be forgotten. The crispness of the memory may fade, but the experience remembered, will remain. That is a good thing, be the experience wonderfull, or tragic. Those memories help shape the individual we become. If we are to grow and become better people, we must allow those experiences to alter and mold us. That being said, we must not allow those past experiences to overwhelm us. Again, either good or bad experiences.
We have all had our share of negative experiences. Well, at least I know I have. I will not however, permit the sins of the people in my past to be paid for by the people in my present nor my future.
We climb to heaven most often on the ruins of our cherished plans,
finding our failures were successes.
~Amos Bronson Alcott
Some people think it's holding on that makes one strong; sometimes it's letting go.
~Sylvia Robinson
Failure is not fatal.
Failure should be our teacher, nor our undertaker.
It should challenge us to new heights of accomplishments,
not pull us to new depths of despair.
From honest failure can come valuable experience.
~William Arthur Ward
Failure is horrible. Failure is a disaster. It is gut wrentching, and depressing. I do not fail well. Sadly, I do fail from time to time. Failure may temporarily slow me, but never stop me. If I allow failure to stop me, then I have truly failed. If I continue to strive, to move forward, then failure is defeated. To be greater than failure, I must move on. I will always choose to move on.
i too fail poorly, but many times i cant seem to get out of wallowing in it before i move on. i read an article at the hospital today on men and depression. an eye opener for sure. It was in Newsweek. to see the word "depressed" written by a man and admitting it does feel gut wrenching is truly refreshing. i hope i always choose to move on.
I will tell you what I told a young friend about a failed relationship, and moving on.
Moving forward is simply the only choice. You can't go back, as much as you wish you could. Going back requires both to agree, and the other won't agree. You can't stay where you are. Where you are is horrible, and a miserable place to be. Pain, misery and depression lives where you are, so you must leave. What remains is the only viable option, and that is to move forward. You needn't run head long. You needn't forget lessons learned, but you need to begin
Sometimes fear makes cowards of us all. Sometimes it is easier to stay in a miserable place, than risk moving on. The risk is of course fresh new pain when one hasn't yet recovered from the old.
So we stay in our miserable place. We embrace the known pain. We wrap it around us like a warm blanket on a cold night. We begin to believe we are warm and safe and dry. However, we are lying to ourselves. The blanket doesn't keep us warm. It is wet and heavy, and a burden to carry. It keeps us down, not warm. Worse yet, this blanket is infested with insidious, evil creatures, that burrow into our heart and soul. Creepy, crawly creatures. Worms of self doubt, and self loathing.
The longer we remain wrapped in this blanket, the deeper inside of us they dig. Finally, they nest, and create a comfortable environment for themselves within us. They are parasites. Like all parasites in nature, they will continue to eat away at the host, until they the host dies from their destructive ways. Killed from within.
Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure, than to take rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy much nor suffer much,
because they live in the gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat.
~Theodore Roosevelt
i think that the grey twilight would be a boring place to live...
evaluating nothing
learning nothing
perceiving nothing
changing nothing because a mask is easier to wear and to live in deception is easier than facing the truth of oneself.
The grey twilight may be a dull place to live, but you find more people there.
The definition of courage is daring to fail.
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DAMMIT, he was soooo right. I had wrapped that warm blanket around me like a solace from pain, little did I know that IT is what kept me in the spin cycle for days and weeks and at times months.
Hugs Stella. It is hard to break free, for some of us, but not others. But I am not others, I am myself and I needed what he told me.
_____________________________
With grace and gratitude, I am owned.
A Man who always seeks to be the best He can be for you is the only Man truly worthy of being called Master.
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RE: Of Grief and Slavery - 
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