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married and need to be discrete - 3/27/2005 12:17:49 PM   
savingsred


Posts: 1
Joined: 3/24/2005
Status: offline 		I have been married over 25 years. I have played on several occassions because wife is vanilla. I want to experience more and I always tell whoever I am speakig with of my situation. I am seeking advice how I can find people who are in the same situation as me

Thanks
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: married and need to be discrete - 3/27/2005 2:38:44 PM   
ProtagonistLily


Posts: 1222
Joined: 12/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

I have been married over 25 years. I have played on several occassions because wife is vanilla. I want to experience more and I always tell whoever I am speakig with of my situation. I am seeking advice how I can find people who are in the same situation as me

Thanks


Then for the love of God hire a qualified Pro. If you want to cheat on your wife because she's just 'vanilla' at least have the courtesy of paying for the service.

Lily

_____________________________

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"
~Dr. Seuss~

(in reply to savingsred)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: married and need to be discrete - 3/27/2005 2:50:45 PM   
stormsfate


Posts: 849
Joined: 2/1/2005
Status: offline 		Poly and cheating are two different things. Not sure why you would post this on the poly board.



f

_____________________________

Vision? What do you know about MY vision? My vision would turn your world upside down, tear asunder your illusions and the sanctuary of your own ignorance crashing down around you! Now ask yourself, are you really ready to see that vision? [/size

(in reply to ProtagonistLily)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: married and need to be discrete - 3/27/2005 3:23:55 PM   
kyakitten


Posts: 145
Joined: 11/21/2004
Status: offline 		The word you're looking for is "discreet". Discrete is not an alternate spelling, it's a different word! <pet peeve>

I don't think you'll find too many people who will openly advise you on cheating on this particular board. Search the personals on any site for "discreet" (or to my chagrin, "discrete"), and you'll no doubt have better luck. It seems to be a code word for cheat.

But better yet, talk to your wife. You obviously have something worthwhile if it's lasted for 25 years, and there are some great reports on these boards of people who have unexpectedly found what they needed within their marriages once they started communicating.

(in reply to savingsred)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: married and need to be discrete - 3/27/2005 7:05:30 PM   
terah


Posts: 69
Joined: 12/17/2004
Status: offline 		I think your wife deserves more respect then what you are giving her. Frankly she probably washes your underwear and feeds your sorry but and is at a lost where your intimacy has gone. Women are not fools by any long shot.

If you think by posting an add in a polyamory site will help you locate people who like to be "discreet" while they cheat on their partner you are in for a rude awakening.

Poly is not about cheating it is about being honest about all your relationship and also allowing your make to be fulfilled by being part of the triad or finding her own happiness with another yet remaining in a loving relationship.

You have slapped her in the face every time you are out looking for that discreet relationship and men like you make polyamory difficult for those looking to find a nuclear family. We don't cheat!

(in reply to savingsred)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: married and need to be discrete - 3/28/2005 5:53:33 AM   
EmeraldSlave2


Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Actually a LOT of people in the scene cheat, at least as many who do in the vanilla world.

But you're right, poly isn't the same as cheating and this isn't the place to post ads for it.

(in reply to terah)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: married and need to be discrete - 3/28/2005 8:26:40 AM   
Guest
 I've moved this thread to the general bdsm discussion area where I feel it will be a better match.

Please turn the flame throwers down a notch. Play can be non-sexual in nature, ask any service oriented submissive. There is not enough info in the OP to jump to the conclusion that the poster is looking for kinky sex.

(in reply to savingsred)
  Post #: 7
RE: married and need to be discrete - 3/28/2005 8:42:35 AM   
onceburned


Posts: 2117
Joined: 1/4/2005
From: Iowa
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: savingsred
I want to experience more and I always tell whoever I am speakig with of my situation. I am seeking advice how I can find people who are in the same situation as me


Hi savingsred, I was in your position and it isn't an easy situation. So I wish you the best in finding a good outcome. Keeping your wife fully informed is a must - your decisions in this area affect both of you and your relationship. She needs to know so your actions can be honest and decent,

I found a woman who introduced me to BDSM by pure luck. But I made sure that she met my wife and that my wife gave approval (the rules were no genital contact, genitals always covered). I will say that even though my wife gave approval, she was not comfortable with it... so our marriage was weakened. (It eventually ended for an unrelated issue)

I have read messages by men and women whose spouse is vanilla and can not change. I think you asked how you can make contact with someone who is in that situation. Sadly, there may not be any magic formula - you may just have to go to munches, make friends, and be willing to talk about your situation.

Again, you are not alone with this problem. But please keep your wife informed so that she does not feel blindsided and betrayed.

(in reply to savingsred)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: married and need to be discrete - 3/28/2005 9:16:32 AM   
RiotGirl


Posts: 3149
Status: offline 		yeah what Proud said

< Message edited by RiotGirl -- 3/28/2005 8:20:40 PM >

(in reply to onceburned)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: married and need to be discrete - 3/28/2005 9:29:43 AM   
ProtagonistLily


Posts: 1222
Joined: 12/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

Please turn the flame throwers down a notch. Play can be non-sexual in nature, ask any service oriented submissive. There is not enough info in the OP to jump to the conclusion that the poster is looking for kinky sex.


I don't know what non-sexual play vs. kinky sex has to do with it. If this is non-sexual, then why the need for discretion? Why not just discuss it with the wife and go from there?

Lily

_____________________________

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"
~Dr. Seuss~

(in reply to Guest)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: married and need to be discrete - 3/28/2005 9:50:17 AM   
nella


Posts: 1243
Joined: 12/30/2004
From: Norway
Status: offline 		One day you wife will probably find out and will be werry hurt, talk whit her, and if she say this lifetyle or her, then you will have to chose. That is my advice.

(in reply to ProtagonistLily)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: married and need to be discrete - 3/28/2005 11:21:17 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

Play can be non-sexual in nature, ask any service oriented submissive. There is not enough info in the OP to jump to the conclusion that the poster is looking for kinky sex.


Mod 8,
Just from one person's perspective, I'd forgive a physical transgression easier then I could mental one. It may be non-sexual, but cheating me out of complete mental and emotional commitment is cheating, even if the spouse knows of the transgression. If the spouse/partner surrenders that obligation they are cheating. The best answer was "go to a pro" at least that way - it is "only" physical.

btw - Never noticed a Mod 8 - Congrats on your new responsibility.

(in reply to Guest)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: married and need to be discrete - 3/28/2005 1:38:06 PM   
caitlyn


Posts: 3473
Joined: 12/22/2004
Status: offline 		I'm not really going to get into a discussion of what you should or shouldn't be doing with your own life. I have one of my own, and it does keep me busy.

I think being open about what you are looking for on various "hook-up" boards is a good start, I guess. Join as many of them as you can, and you will probaly find people that are looking for the same thing as you.

I also wouldn't worry too much about what other people think about the choices you make for your own life. These boards are pretty relentless, when you get right down to it.

Thanks ... caitlyn

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: married and need to be discrete - 3/28/2005 1:55:16 PM   
proudsub


Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline
quote:

I am seeking advice how I can find people who are in the same situation as me


There has been a lot of discussion on these boards about whether it is ok to cheat in this situation or not, what constitutes cheating, etc. But I don't think this is what he is asking. He wants to know how to find others in the same situation.

My suggestion would be to read profiles for all the female subs (i assume you are looking for a female sub) in your area and look for the word discreet, or married to vanilla. You may also have luck with single subs. It might also help to fill out your profile and say what you are looking for, maybe the right person will contact you. I don't judge you for what you want to do because i was in the same situation a few years ago. Feel free to email me if you want the details, i've already bored the others here with them on several occassions.

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan


(in reply to savingsred)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: married and need to be discrete - 4/15/2005 7:54:55 AM   
BlackGoddess2u


Posts: 13
Joined: 1/10/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: savingsred

I have been married over 25 years. I have played on several occassions because wife is vanilla. I want to experience more and I always tell whoever I am speakig with of my situation. I am seeking advice how I can find people who are in the same situation as me

Thanks

If you have been married for that long then you should talk to your wife about your needs. Also find out what her needs are too; you may be surprised. My personal opinion? Don't cheat on her - meaning - don't keep any sexual secrets from her.

Good luck.

(in reply to savingsred)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: married and need to be discrete - 5/26/2005 1:31:34 PM   
masterdarkthorn


Posts: 13
Joined: 5/22/2005
Status: offline 		Tell your wife you want to play...maybe she does too.

(in reply to savingsred)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: married and need to be discrete - 5/26/2005 1:36:19 PM   
Raphael


Posts: 263
Joined: 5/10/2005
Status: offline 		/me was all ready with a super-sized flamethrower, only to find the original offender has already been burnt to a crisp.

*snaps fingers and walks off*

(in reply to savingsred)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: married and need to be discrete - 5/26/2005 1:37:58 PM   
sammyleemitch


Posts: 4
Joined: 5/19/2005
From: Newcastle, UK
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: masterdarkthorn

Tell your wife you want to play...maybe she does too.


good point, u'll never know until u ask her. She may hav animal urges under the surface tht she has been hidin from u!!!!!!
Try ur luck xx

(in reply to masterdarkthorn)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: married and need to be discrete - 5/26/2005 6:07:15 PM   
selphaware


Posts: 20
Joined: 10/28/2004
Status: offline 		i just read and re-read this whole thread, and while i'm no proponent of deception or cheating, and would never encourage such things...savingsred never said that his wife doesn't know about his activities with others. it could be that he's looking for a kinky fling with someone *with* his wife's okay, and just wants to know how to find a partner who wouldn't have a problem with his marital status. not enough info yet to know -- or as moderatoreight said, it might be premature with all the flamethrowers (of course, if the guy *is* asking how best to cheat on the wife behind her back, then yeah, i love the smell of napalm in the morning...).

(in reply to sammyleemitch)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: married and need to be discrete - 5/26/2005 6:09:39 PM   
selphaware


Posts: 20
Joined: 10/28/2004
Status: offline 		hmmmm...re-thinking here...maybe the "need to be discreet" in the title *does* mean the wife is being blindsided. maybe savingsred should weigh in here and clear the point up...

(in reply to selphaware)
Profile   Post #: 20
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