Avoidance of submission due to fear of failing

Avoidance of submission due to fear of failing (Full Version)

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littlesarbonn -> Avoidance of submission due to fear of failing (3/4/2007 12:09:54 AM)
A little while ago, I found myself in an interesting dilemma where I started to believe I was avoiding actually pursuing any type of submissive relationship because I wondered if I was still the submissive I once believed myself to be. It had been awhile since I last pursued such a relationship, and I started thinking to myself that I might not have it in me anymore to be what I need to be to be successful in such a situation. When looking at the commentaries that get posted just here, it's very easy to see how easy it is for someone to fail, and my experience has usually put me in circumstances where you often only received one chance. So, when I started looking back at pursuing a submissive lifestyle again, I kept thinking to myself that if I didn't actually follow up on anything, there would be no way for me to fail. Instead, I could rely on past successes and believe myself to have been the submissive I would hope to be in the future. Anyone ever run into this?

BrownEyedSub84 -> RE: Avoidance of submission due to fear of failing (3/4/2007 12:42:55 AM)
yes I have...my first real d/s relationship failed miserbly and everyone I knew told that it was my fault that I wasn't a good submissive and that I didnt try hard enough so I stupidy believed them, Took a few months away and just watched and learned. As I meet other people I realized that it wasn't all my fault and most of the new people who I came into contact with and built friendships with told me it wasn't my fault at all and the blame went more along the lines of 80% him and 20% me..So here i am tryn again and some times I sit here and wonder can I really do this? Can I re-enter this type of lifestyle again and do I have it in me to be confident that I can do it? Sometimes the answer is nope other times it is yes I can. I look back on all that I have learned since that failed relationship and realize that I am a stronger better submissive because of it and look forward to when I find that Dom that will make the great submissive I know I can be [:)] so you arent alone Edited because I can't freaking spell tonight[8\|]

FukinTroll -> RE: Avoidance of submission due to fear of failing (3/4/2007 12:45:44 AM)
Oh man! Good topic. I wish it was in ask a master or general.

subnstudent -> RE: Avoidance of submission due to fear of failing (3/4/2007 2:02:25 AM)
why not respond anyway? just because it's in a particular forum doesn't mean that you're not allowed to reply, it just means that the OP thought the question fit in this particular category. Oftentimes, the post would fit in more than one because it applies to more than one kind of person. Lol... I think there should be a 'ask a Master/Mistress" forum as opposed to keeping them seperate. just my .02. And to the OP: I've run into that problem a bit myself... Fear of failing, fear of not being enough for him, fear that he's only going to hurt me in the end... there's a lot of reason why people can be afraid of submission, but the way I see it, the best course of action would be just give everything you're comfortable giving, and talk to any prospective Dominant about your fears. That way, she knows what to expect, and if she respects you enough, she can push you at a pace that won't aggrivate them.

FukinTroll -> RE: Avoidance of submission due to fear of failing (3/4/2007 2:24:48 AM)
I made a sabotage thread on the general forums. Mainly because Mistress's, like Dragons, think men are crunchy and taste god with ketchup.

corysub -> RE: Avoidance of submission due to fear of failing (3/4/2007 3:00:10 AM)
I don't think of it as much a fear of "failing" as the chemistry between a Domme and me just not being right. Submission isn't "slavery"..we are submissive because that is what we are...it's not "role play". Unlike slavery, I find my submission to the superiority of a Mistress and the total turn over of control a natural feeling that I enjoy. I truly am most content when I am pleasing to a Domme, and that is what gives me joy and happiness. However, it works both ways, in my opinion, in that the Domme also has to have chemistry with Her submissive and respects limits while She pushes them... Giving oneself totally to another is a fantastic satisfying feeling. However, submission can also be a very dangerous position for a person and I guess that is my ultimate fear, that something really bad could happen to me. I have been in a situation with a Domme who turned out to be insane and would have been really hurt if Her roomate did not intervene. Anyway, interesting question and something to think about. Good luck! cory

mantis65 -> RE: Avoidance of submission due to fear of failing (3/4/2007 3:32:12 AM)
I have had this come up before (but not with anyone I was actually in a relationship with). It’s mostly with women getting to know me and decide some aspect of my personality isn’t submissive. There are parts of my personality that are strong when it comes to dealing with my artwork it’s a hard limit something I know I couldn’t give up for another person. I find it comforting when a dominant woman takes control over most aspects of my life. I think what happens is some people believe certain things are not submissive actions and meaning you are not really submissive. I think a lot of submissives are driven people that want to excel at their job or in a hobby etc. and this drive are seen by some as a desire to dominate or control by some. Or the dominant wants the world to revolve around them and sees any interest in anything other than them as competing for their attention? Like any relationship I think the more you have in common with a dominant the more she can relate to you. Looking back the dominants that questioned how submissive I was tended to have the least in common with me. There’s actually a lot of reasons why this happens but this is what I think happens to me at times.

mantis65 -> RE: Avoidance of submission due to fear of failing (3/4/2007 3:47:49 AM)
And yes after a few of these “incidents” I questioned whether I wanted to submit or was a switch. I get along with female submissives great as friends but I could never actually dominate a woman. I have had a sub girlfriend and we switched to make each other happy but it was just a game during sex. (deciding on a restaurant was hell also ...” oh no where ever you want to go. its up to you! Back and forth like that for an hour”) I need something from an alpha woman …. We question ourselves because a dominant told us we were not submissive the truth is we just were not their type of submissive

MasterFireMaam -> RE: Avoidance of submission due to fear of failing (3/4/2007 10:35:20 AM)
We run into this in many aspects of life. For me, I often find that once a person gets over the fear of failure in a situation, they most often then face a fear of success. Master Fire

TexasMaam -> RE: Avoidance of submission due to fear of failing (3/4/2007 10:52:26 AM)
littlesarbonn, What exactly constitutes failure as a sub? I don't think it's possible to 'fail' as a sub. It is certainly possible for the relationship to fail without the sub being a failure, n'est pas? Perhaps you're not necessarily interested in 24/7 D/s, which is another topic unto itself and is something you might want to take into consideration. I have to honestly say that I have never had a sub 'fail' Me in any way. In the instances where the relationship didn't work, it was always an issue of compatibility or priorities that interfered. For one reason or another, life just got in the way. Yet, just because 'life got in the way' of a relationship here or there, I don't stop searching for the quintessential sub. Goodness, if he's out there, I hope he doesn't pass My profile by just because he's 'afraid to fail' as a sub! Wouldn't it be a shame if the perfect Domme was here at CM and you passed over Her profile because you have preconcieved ideas of what she will demand or expect? Meeting a Domme's expectations should be a process of discovery, not a litmus test as to whether a sub is a successful sub or a failure as a sub. When the discovery process works for both parties, then they each will have found their true One. Blessings and encouragement, littlesarbonn, TexasMaam

fergus -> RE: Avoidance of submission due to fear of failing (3/4/2007 11:16:10 AM)
We are people, not labels. You may be a submissive all of your life. Maybe not. We all go through changes in life and the labels we wear are usually for a time only. They do not define all that we are, only an aspect. Even your name is but a label - the outward conscious expression of whom you are to most people (even to your conscious waking self!) but it is not the totallity of your true self. The best way I can exemplify this is this way: If you walk into a room, and someone is in there already - they have heard you come in, but have not seen you yet. They may ask "who's there?" For most of us, our first instinctual answer it not our names, but to say "it's me." fergus

Hime -> RE: Avoidance of submission due to fear of failing (3/4/2007 1:37:06 PM)
In my opinion (for me), There comes a point when Trust must override Fear if one is to move forward. A few "examples" that can be projected from either D/s perspective would be: Trust in My Confidence in you. (i.e....the confidence I have in your potential) Trust in My Strength. (i.e....to remain at your side during our most challenging of times) Trust that we are more Powerful together than apart. (i.e....a Synergy of energies that can be reflected as Yin & Yang) ~ xoxo

KatyLied -> RE: Avoidance of submission due to fear of failing (3/4/2007 1:44:40 PM)
If you are trying as hard as you can you can't be a failure. There can be issues of not being compatible or of picking the wrong person to form a relationship with. But if you are trying and asking for feedback and making adjustments, you aren't failing.

MistressDoMe -> RE: Avoidance of submission due to fear of failing (3/4/2007 4:29:38 PM)
It is only natural to have a fear of failure. Domina's also have this fear often. This can be overcome with great communication and trust.

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