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Microsoft Bids to Acquire Catholic Church - 3/7/2007 7:20:53 PM

darchChylde

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Microsoft Bids to Acquire Catholic Church
- Hank Vorjes

VATICAN CITY (AP) -- In a joint press conference in St. Peter's Square this morning, MICROSOFT Corp. and the Vatican announced that the Redmond software giant will acquire the Roman Catholic Church in exchange for an unspecified number of shares of MICROSOFT common stock. If the deal goes through, it will be the first time a computer software company has acquired a major world religion.

With the acquisition, Pope Benedict XVI will become the senior vice-president of the combined company's new Religious Software Division, while MICROSOFT senior vice-presidents Michael Maples and Steven Ballmer will be invested in the College of Cardinals, said MICROSOFT Chairman Bill Gates.

"We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the next five to ten years," said Gates. "The combined resources of MICROSOFT and the Catholic Church will allow us to make religion easier and more fun for a broader range of people."

Through the MICROSOFT Network, the company's new on-line service, "we will make the sacraments available on-line for the first time" and revive the popular pre-Counter-Reformation practice of selling indulgences, said Gates. "You can get Communion, confess your sins, receive absolution -- even reduce your time in Purgatory -- all without leaving your home."

A new software application, MICROSOFT Church, will include a macro language which you can program to download heavenly graces automatically while you are away from your computer.

An estimated 17,000 people attended the announcement in St Peter's Square, watching on a 60-foot screen as comedian Don Novello -- in character as Father Guido Sarducci -- hosted the event, which was broadcast by satellite to 700 sites worldwide.

Pope Benedict XVI said little during the announcement. When Novello chided Gates, "Now I guess you get to wear one of these pointy hats," the crowd roared, but the pontiff's smile seemed strained.

The deal grants MICROSOFT exclusive electronic rights to the Bible and the Vatican's prized art collection, which includes works by such masters as Michelangelo and Da Vinci. But critics say MICROSOFT will face stiff challenges if it attempts to limit competitors' access to these key intellectual properties.
"The Jewish people invented the look and feel of the holy scriptures," said Rabbi David Gottschalk of Philadelphia. "You take the parting of the Red Sea -- we had that thousands of years before the Catholics came on the scene."

But others argue that the Catholic and Jewish faiths both draw on a common Abrahamic heritage. "The Catholic Church has just been more successful in marketing it to a larger audience," notes Notre Dame theologian Father Kenneth Madigan. Over the last 2,000 years, the Catholic Church's market share has increased dramatically, while Judaism, which was the first to offer many of the concepts now touted by Christianity, lags behind.

Historically, the Church has a reputation as an aggressive competitor, leading crusades to pressure people to upgrade to Catholicism, and entering into exclusive licensing arrangements in various kingdoms whereby all subjects were instilled with Catholicism, whether or not they planned to use it. Today Christianity is available from several denominations, but the Catholic version is still the most widely used. The Church's mission is to reach "the four corners of the earth," echoing MICROSOFT's vision of "a computer on every desktop and in every home".
Gates described MICROSOFT's long-term strategy to develop a scalable religious architecture that will support all religions through emulation. A single core religion will be offered with a choice of interfaces according to the religion desired -- "One religion, a couple of different implementations," said Gates.

The MICROSOFT move could spark a wave of mergers and acquisitions, according to Herb Peters, a spokesman for the U.S. Southern Baptist Conference, as other churches scramble to strengthen their position in the increasingly competitive religious market.

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RE: Microsoft Bids to Acquire Catholic Church - 3/10/2007 7:24:13 AM

Termyn8or

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Actually plans seem to be stalled for this anticipated merger. An independent audit found that the Catholic church owns one third of the world.

An anonymous Microsoft spokesman confided that Microsoft wasn't worried about the cost of the acquisition, but characteristically doesn't get much involved in hardware, and such an acquisition might cost them their plausible deiability i.e.- not on the hardware compatibility list.

The pontiff also expressexd concern over the new commandment eleven which Microsoft wants added. "Thou shalt not use Linux". When asked if Microsoft would be forced to obey the commandment and stop using Linux at some of their offices, the answer was a stern "NO COMMENT".

Arab and Jewish leaders are all for the merger, one said "Now the church will start making some real money". Hindu and Buddist leaders expressed concern about whether their needs could be met by the Catholic church.

This is a shaky plan indeed, NASA has expressed concerns about transmitting the hail Marys into space, citing that extraterrestrials might get the wrong idea, that we are a backwards race and will pass on contacting/conquering us. Revealing something not much mentioned, the government intends to be highly paid slave drivers for the new, alien, regime. "That's what we do now, it is all we are good for" said a US government spokesman, also under the condition of anonymity.

The Council on Foreign Relations and the Illuminati as usual had no comment.

Baptist, Methodist and other quasi-Christian leaders expressed concerns that many of their followers would not be able to attend online mass because many do not have a credit card. Economic analyst Phil D Withshitz offered up a solution, stating that if the merger takes place, the new entity could buy Citibank. Citibank is known for extending credit to the wrong people, and this would only be an extension of that practice.

A local Bishop expressed concern about if one would have to go to purgatory because they didn't pay their credit card off.

A Microsoft spokesman, again unnamed, said that while plans to buy the world's largest consumer bank are in the works for after the merger, there are no plans to send people to purgatory for not paying their bill. He added "With the way people spend money, through probate, and equity loans we might own considerably more than a third of the world in a short time".

Athiest spokesman Abnorm Wallrat expressed concerns about the highly secret new OS by Microsoft "Windows Nihilista" which needs to be reloaded and rergistered every three months. The new software is touted as having the ultimate protection for the devout. Anything from the Koran, or any other religious book is deleted. Similarly, anything that "smacks" of Odinism, the Protocols of Zion or the Talmud are completely blocked, as are any word groups associated with the US Constitution, the Magna Carts, and almost any such document. Again on the condition of anonymity a Microsoft spokesman said "These things hurt our profits, we can't allow it".

The US supreme court issued an opinion "It opens up a whole new vista for government, imagine that now we will have jurisdiction over Rome, a sweet deal if I ever saw one". That was issued by the newest member, I. M. Acrook. He also said the whole government was excited about the merger because that wouold add to their distatorial powers across the globe. He said "With this merger, in time we will be able to tell any person in the world exactly what to do and when to do it. We can remove free will from the marketplace and business and law enforcement will be more efficient than ever".

An unorganised militiaman speaking also on the condition of anonymity said "If you didn't believe the Beast was here before, wait until they get started. I can see it coming and we are ready. We are ready, we have thirty guys and three of them have guns". Strangely two men in black suits came and took him away very quickly. One of them flipped some sort of ID in my face and said "You didn't see nothin".

Windows Nihilista is said to be the most advanced software on the planet, almost as advanced as Inslaw's Promis. Nihilista records every keystroke and it is sent to the Vatican for approval. Yes you are allowed, but you may have to repent for what you have typed. Software engineer Ano Brain said "Thing is, even if you delete the offensive text, you still typed it, so you have to repent".

Another anonymous spokeman for Microsoft said "Even if we can't buy Citibank right away, they will be collecting the repentence fees, and will do the credit check for people looking for absolution".

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RE: Microsoft Bids to Acquire Catholic Church - 3/10/2007 7:45:58 AM

BOUNTYHUNTER

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I am sure you said this with a bit of tongue in cheek,OL BILL knows where the money is and I wouldn't put it pass him,The Catholic church is one of the worlds largest money makers and at the same time it engulfs your soul while keeping women and the poor under the thumb.WAS raised withij a Catholic home and couldn't wait to get the hell out on my own..of course as always just this ol" master opinion on the subject...bounty