Why can't I find a Mistress??

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Why can't I find a Mistress?? - 3/30/2005 12:07:08 AM

Blondbisub

Posts: 5
Joined: 11/19/2004
Status: offline

Greetings all.

I am having a problem finding a Mistress and I was wondering if perhaps the Dommes/Mistresses and subs can offer me input into what I am doing wrong.

If you have any questions, please ask because at times I don't explain things clearly.

Here is my situation: I am a 42 year old female sub. I have been looking for a Domme/Mistress for a LTR relationship. Someone to be close with in a vanilla way as well as to scene with. Someone who is hopefully bi (I'm bi), though straight is acceptable.
My search has been going on and off the past six years. I feel I should have found someone by now. I can get a man with no problem within a month, but I cannot get a man. I have to find a woman.

I am also married. My husband will know about my Mistress, but he won't be involved. The few women I have talked to have told me they are interested, but I never hear from them again. I explicitely tell them my husband won't be involved, but I guess they don't believe me.

There was one mistress who seemed interested. We even chatted on the phone and met in person. She even said she liked me. But, the same thing - I never heard from her again.

What am I doing wrong here? Have I not found a Mistress because they don't want a relationship - they only want to scene?
(I won't scene with anyone unless there is something there due to trust issues.)

I have been looking for a vanilla bi girlfriend even longer before I became interested in BDSM. I get the same results.

I would appreciate any input you can offer. I am totally lost as to what I am doing wrong and becoming frustrated.

Thank you.

P.S. Please don't suggest I find a Dom. My husband would never allow it! I don't want to go behind his back.

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RE: Why can't I find a Mistress?? - 3/30/2005 3:15:17 AM

chainedgirl

Posts: 142
Joined: 2/5/2005
Status: offline

blondbisub,

have to say i feel for you, its so hard to find the right person sometimes. And i too have found Mistresses to be elusive at times. When i did find one she turned out to be the nut job from hell!

You say you get to the chatting witht them on the phone stage. It sounds like you aren't getting across over the phone what it is you are seeking. Something seems to be missing here, because if you are upfront about your husband and they still chat on the phone, then that means that isn't an issue for them. A couple of questions:

Do you know what you seek, to the fullest extent?
Are you laying down complicated rules for a relationship?
Are they calling when you aren't there and your husband is answering the phone giviing them misleading advice (that you have lost interest or that he does want to be involved)?
Is there something you are saying something on the phone you haven't mentioned here?

i would suggest the first phone conversations be you calling them. Arrange for a coffee and chat somewhere public, on neutral ground. Only have them call you at home once you feel something has been established.

Just as an idea, i would suggest, if you still have contact details for these Mistresses, write to a couple and ask them to please tell you what you have done or said that may have affected their opinion of you. Let them know you are asking because you genuinely seek a Mistress and want to improve any areas that can be improved. Of course, thank them for taking the time :)

Hope some of this is helpful.

chained girl

(in reply to Blondbisub)

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RE: Why can't I find a Mistress?? - 3/30/2005 3:21:34 AM

siamsa24

Posts: 2426
Joined: 2/2/2004
Status: offline

Are you expecting them to only be with you and with no one else?
I can imagine if this is the case that problems would emerge, at least for me.

(in reply to Blondbisub)

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RE: Why can't I find a Mistress?? - 3/30/2005 5:00:15 AM

LadyAngelika

Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline

Hi Blondbisub,

First and foremost, welcome to the boards. First of all, let me tell you that for people in general, finding a right fit in terms of BDSM can be difficult. When you start adding conditions for a relationship—I understand that in your situation, these are necessary—you start limiting the pool of potential people.

I think chainedgirl gave you some excellent advice about meeting. Know what it is that you seek and try to make the rules as uncomplicated as possible. I’d like to point out re: the comment about you calling them first that some of us are hesitant, as a result of bad experiences, to giving our phone number out before a first meet.

I don’t know you. So I’m not going to make any assumptions of why you haven’t hooked up with a Domme by now. Short of being a fly on the wall and observing your interactions, all we can do here is grasp at straws in trying to give you give you our perception of things. So please excuse me ahead of time if I’m totally off the mark.

Your profile write up seems just fine actually. It’s important to be upfront and honest and you do just that. But your write up here give me the sense that you are trying to please everyone and over explain yourself, which is normal under the circumstances of the post, but I’m wondering if you use that approach when first conversing with someone. I can tell you that I try to avoid overly complicated situations. Probably many do as well.

Also, for many Dommes (that are not prodommes), they don’t like a sub that has other obligations, such as a spouse. We want to be our submissive’s first priority. Right there, you are limiting your choices. By no means am I suggesting that you change the status quo, I’m simply trying to give you a perspective on why you might have less options.

Mind you, if you entered the polyamorous realm within the bdsm culture, you might find people more amenable to sharing. There is a polyamory board here where people could give you information about groups in your area. I’m not saying it is the solution to your problems, but right away, you are dealing with people who most likely will not find a problem with the fact that you are married.

Now there is no excuse for not getting back to someone. I’m not perfect and I’ve done it myself. In my case, it is usually when life gets overwhelming, not that this is an excuse. There are many other reasons. Some people are afraid of the aftermath of telling someone they aren’t interested, so they cut off communication, thinking that a lack of response should send the message. Not the most impressive tactic, but not everyone is impressive.

Good luck and keep us posted with what you learn/find,

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to Blondbisub)

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RE: Why can't I find a Mistress?? - 3/31/2005 10:51:14 AM

MaitresseEden

Posts: 477
Joined: 8/8/2004
From: Houston, Texas
Status: offline

quote:

Also, for many Dommes (that are not prodommes), they don’t like a sub that has other obligations, such as a spouse. We want to be our submissive’s first priority. Right there, you are limiting your choices. By no means am I suggesting that you change the status quo, I’m simply trying to give you a perspective on why you might have less options.

you hit the nail on the head with that comment Lady Angelika. I would also ad, as a female dominant I wouldn't take kindly to the sexist attitude that is is ok for her to be with other woman, just not other men. In essence that makes her husband the real dominant, and I don't submit to anyone. Furthermore, her ongoing relationship would restrict her behavior to some degree, and thus create conflicts at some point between what I want and what he wanted. It's a no go for me right from the start.

Ms. Eden

_____________________________

"If I didnt define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other peoples fantasies for me and eaten alive. - Audre Lorde"

(in reply to LadyAngelika)

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RE: Why can't I find a Mistress?? - 4/1/2005 6:21:30 AM

spinntja

Posts: 31
Joined: 9/13/2004
Status: offline

Blondibisub:

I am actually working right now with someone in a situation very much like your own (she is married, has kids, lives several hours away, etc.), so it *can* be done. That said, she works for me because she is highly skilled, experienced, and has a specialty I appreciate. I rather doubt I would make the effort for a beginner. If she had a lot of potentia I might have someone work with her, but that would succeed only if she were sufficiently poly from the get-go. The other alternative, I suppose, would be someone with whom I fell in love, head over heels, at first sight. Those are long odds, though.

< sighs > Well, good luck. I do hope you find what you are looking for!

-- SJ

(in reply to MaitresseEden)

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RE: Why can't I find a Mistress?? - 4/1/2005 5:49:28 PM

MistressJude

Posts: 89
Joined: 1/8/2005
From: NC
Status: offline

Okay, I'm going to the be the first to say this and I truly hope no one takes offense. Unfortunatley, however, far too many people (regardless if they're kinky or vanilla, gay or straight) are obsessed with looks. While you may present yourself in written and verbal form to be intelligent, funny, interesting, and any other million great qualities it's all too common for someone to "poof" when they find out all the qualities don't come in a nicely wrapped package. Since I don't know you or what you look like I'm not saying this is your problem - only that it is a very common issue I've come across and I'm sure everyone else has too at one point or another.

Further, chainedgirl's questions were good ones and I'd be curious to know the answers as they'd shed more light on the issue.

Another problem that I've come across while reviewing any new potential is - do they talk too much? Talk too little? Give you nonsense answers like 'I don't know' when asked important questions about feelings, limits, experience, and other key factors.

As it has been already addressed, it's true that most people won't accept someone who is otherwise bound to another - whether it be through marriage or collar. Regardless of the fact that your husband seems fine with it the fact that you are married raises so many complicated issues. Besides the fact that your time will be divided and it could cause conflicts of time there is also issues where spouse and Dom/me could clash. Say you're ordered to shave your pubic region but your husband absolutely hates it - who will you obey if push comes to shove? Your husband or your Mistress - both of whom you have committed yourself to obey. While it IS possible, there is a great chance that spouse and Dom/me will grow to resent each other and this puts the sub in an extremely uncomfortable and high-stress position. Any poly relationship should be carefully thought out before even trying it - have you thought of what the pros AND cons would be about this? I'm all for poly relationships and I don't want this to come off as discouragement - only advice for you to think ahead to spare ALL those involved heartache and trouble.

In the ideal world (for some) there would be no complications - serving and being served in any way that each person desires would be the only true concerns. It'll never happen because one way or the other Dom/me and sub alike will always have their attentions divided, no matter how truly committed they are. Work, taking care of bills, tending to home, going to school, and every other day-to-day aspect of life will get in the way. As such, spouse and/or kids at home are just one more thing - but as we set aside special times for our lifestyle in the hussle and bussle of "real" life it can be done when a person has already dedicated themselves to another.

Unfortunately, your initial post didn't provide enough details to really find out what the problem could be. But I'd say to take a real close look at what you're telling people - something you may think inconsequential might be what others see as a "turn off." If possible, save some of your communications with Dommes in the future and maybe have someone review them (make sure you remove their names first) to see if they can spot any issues.

Hope this helped in some way.

_____________________________

Sir Jude
*Don't be afraid to go out on a limb... that's where all the fruit is*
**The best way to make a dream come true is to wake up**

(in reply to spinntja)

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