Submissive males with anal as a hard limit

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MsCfromMelbourne -> Submissive males with anal as a hard limit (3/7/2007 11:18:29 PM)
My situation is a perhaps unusual (or perhaps not) My submissive has never done any kind of anal play/anal sex and does not want to He has ideas from childhood that "back there" is dirty and things should only come out, not go in. He knows on an intellectual level that this is silly: people all over the world enjoy anal sex and anal play. But he becomes frantically upset if you go there. He did have a terrible experience as a little kid when a large bully of an uncle forced a suppositry into him. His mother was having trouble making him submit so the big strong uncle was called in to "take care of it" I guess I could never have anal ever again....ever....but its a depressing thought. That is a pretty big sacrifice for love. What would you do? PS Edited to address Troll's comment - my sub tells me that he does actually want to overcome this phobia. he wants to enjoy anal play the way everyone else does (or seems to if you read the endless strap on posts here!). How do you help victims of child abuse overcome their abuse in adulthood?

FukinTroll -> RE: Submisisve males with anal as a hard limit (3/7/2007 11:20:31 PM)
Is being gang banged by horses a limit for you and if so why?

MsCfromMelbourne -> RE: Submisisve males with anal as a hard limit (3/7/2007 11:29:53 PM)
Horses - I would not enjoy being gangbanged by anything. No, it was not an incident of childhood abuse that has given me an aversion to gang banging. Nor do want someone to help me overcome my aversion.

FukinTroll -> RE: Submisisve males with anal as a hard limit (3/7/2007 11:36:06 PM)
It sounds to me that he doesn't either.

MsCfromMelbourne -> RE: Submisisve males with anal as a hard limit (3/7/2007 11:38:01 PM)
Yeas I appreciate that my question was missing information so I went back and added a paragraph - thanks for the heads up Troll

FukinTroll -> RE: Submisisve males with anal as a hard limit (3/7/2007 11:41:57 PM)
Gotcha doll. Glad I could help.

beltainefaerie -> RE: Submisisve males with anal as a hard limit (3/8/2007 12:24:38 AM)
I have learned to do without most anal play, because my Love has similar feelings to your submissive. He finds the entire concept of anal anything repulsive. I can caress him and that is fine. If he is in the right mood and extremely turned on already, he can sometimes enjoy a little finger stimulation, but anything more would be a "hard limit". He has zero desire for strap-on play, butt plug for prostate stimulation, rimming, or even performing anal sex on my. As we are recently poly, I may be able to engage in such things with our third someday, but we haven't gone there yet in our loving. I have no idea what types of things you are thinking of, or what you do with your submissive. Some may not be activities you'd consider, but I thought I'd throw several ideas out there: In getting over my own boundaries with things, I have found that moving slowly and checking in frequently works well. Start small. Perhaps a sensual massage that includes the bottom and strokes the anus. Just getting used to being touched there can be a huge step for people. Caressing the pernium and anus during oral sex can be arousing and less alarming, since he would already be turned on. Eventually, have him use a small butt plug during sex. If anything starts to freak him out, stop and go back to a safe/ more comforting activity. Maybe even decide how far things could go that day. If htings are going very well, they may go all the way to whatever activity you decide on, but they could stay smaller than that too. Sometimes people need the assurance that you aren't going to push too far, too fast. It wouldn't be goal oriented necessarily, just setting an acceptable boundary for what could happen and then he could relax about anything that he knew wouldn't happen yet. Good luck!

thetammyjo -> RE: Submissive males with anal as a hard limit (3/8/2007 4:57:38 AM)
My slave was anally raped by some men who used a knife as well when he was 15. He has fantasies about enjoying anal sex and we've tried it with all the safety precautions. After a few years of it at best being neutral for him, he went to a specialist who found serious scaring, probably from that rape. We had to stop the actual sex. We still pretend and since I'm poly it isn't a matter of me not doing this with someone else. If your partner did not suffer such trauma and if he does not have such scarring (or can afford to deal with them surgerically) plain old desire to try and some counseling might help. He has to desire to do this however.

Aubre -> RE: Submissive males with anal as a hard limit (3/8/2007 5:35:15 AM)
Maybe you could try starting with some prostate massage? Or see if he's interested in an Aneros?

LadySashayy -> RE: Submissive males with anal as a hard limit (3/8/2007 6:41:40 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MsCfromMelbourne How do you help victims of child abuse overcome their abuse in adulthood? Short of being very understanding and caring and non-judgemental, the answer is that -you- don't. The responsibility for understanding it, dealing with it and moving on is up to the person who suffered the abuse. Trauma is trauma and requires a great deal of reflexivity, self-knowledge and concerted effort to put it in the past and move on. It takes a decision by the person to no longer allow their past to paint their present/future as a victim. This is a very very hard thing to do for those who were severely abused, and even in the case of your sub, where the trauma doesn't seem extreme to an outsider, it obviously had large psychological impacts. Thus, I think you pretty much have to just go very very slowly with a lot of communication and laughter and cuddling and positive reinforcement for each small hurdle your sub overcomes in himself. Do a lot of touching of his lower buttocks ... stay to that only for a month. Then move on to touching the area between testicles and anus and leave it that way for a while... then anus stroking with no penetration.... again for a month or so... And allow him to talk about the way things felt after, allow him to compare it to the traumatic past experience and see how different it was. But you also have to accept he may never move on from this, no matter how badly he wants to. Good luck {{HUGS}} [edited for spelling errors]

MasterFireMaam -> RE: Submissive males with anal as a hard limit (3/8/2007 7:17:24 AM)
Facing fear is a big deal. You can't force someone to do it...and basing a relationship on the fact they've promised to do it isn't a really good idea. It's fear and change...choosing to face fear and choosing to change are extremely hard and you're doing your relationship a disservice to place those conditions on it. You have to assume that he will remain as he is and then decide if you're getting a good enough barter overall in order to maintain the relationship. As for how to help him, let him know that you are there to help him face the fear....when he's ready. The horse by the river will drink when it gets thirsty enough. but you know that you can't try to drown it in order to make it thristy. If he's really been abused as a child, expecting you to play therapist for that is also unfair and doing your relationship a disservice. He needs to be in therapy to deal with these issues. Once he's in therapy, facing the fear might become easier. Master Fire

lonlyrossInNeed -> RE: Submissive males with anal as a hard limit (3/8/2007 10:21:50 AM)
i understand some fears can be over come with a little help i know that sacrafising for love is ver inportant but maybe he will come around one day if you ask him if he trusts you then maybe one day this will be ok with him ross.g

SCDommie -> RE: Submissive males with anal as a hard limit (3/8/2007 11:27:45 AM)
I can understand your point of view and his point of view for once. I have a similiar limit, and it took me forever to get the nerve to do anal play on my slave, but I absoultely love it now. It will take some time for him to grow confident with you. Just be gentle in that area, and he will eventually want to please you since you require it. Explain it to him in a way that he will please you, and I believe he will do it. I would train him with a small but plug at first, then build up to a strap on. SCD

mstrjx -> RE: Submissive males with anal as a hard limit (3/8/2007 7:02:30 PM)
I was with a sub once that had any sort of anal play a limit for a while. As I didn't feel her reasons (which were 'I don't like it') valid, she was aware that I would 'work' on that. It took a while, two or three months. I started with rimming. That might not be your bag, but to me if you can start with pleasure, something uncomfortable might not seem so bad. I probably did something with either a small buttplug or my fingers. I might have combined either with oral sex, to provide more pleasure. (I'm a big believer in 'carrots'. If I can mix pleasure and pain in such a way that you'll do anything (and I do mean anything) to achieve pleasure, then any qualms you have about this or that disappear pretty quickly.) There might have been enemas in there, but there might not have been. That's really a separate deal to me. She then 'graduated' to larger buttplugs, and then actual anal sex. By the time I was done with this portion of her training, she was probably more into it than I am. Just some thoughts. Jeff

MistressDolly -> RE: Submissive males with anal as a hard limit (3/8/2007 7:51:09 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MsCfromMelbourne My situation is a perhaps unusual (or perhaps not) My submissive has never done any kind of anal play/anal sex and does not want to He has ideas from childhood that "back there" is dirty and things should only come out, not go in. He knows on an intellectual level that this is silly: people all over the world enjoy anal sex and anal play. But he becomes frantically upset if you go there. He did have a terrible experience as a little kid when a large bully of an uncle forced a suppositry into him. His mother was having trouble making him submit so the big strong uncle was called in to "take care of it" I guess I could never have anal ever again....ever....but its a depressing thought. That is a pretty big sacrifice for love. What would you do? I can't say from experience (I've never met a male who didn't like at least one form of anal stimulation) but I would tell him if it feels good and doesn't hurt (it can if you want it :) ), just do it.

cloudboy -> RE: Submissive males with anal as a hard limit (3/8/2007 8:47:12 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MistressDolly I can't say from experience (I've never met a male who didn't like at least one form of anal stimulation) but I would tell him if it feels good and doesn't hurt (it can if you want it :) ), just do it. I was thinking the simple approach might work best as well. The best way to find out if a rock is slippery or not is to put one's foot on it, carefully.

BalletBob -> RE: Submissive males with anal as a hard limit (3/8/2007 9:27:07 PM)
It depends on what he considers Anal Sex. I LOVE a Butt Plug, and would like to try a Strap On, but nothing else. I tried it and it doesn't do a thing for me. I will take a Butt Plug anytime. Small Ass, Sub BalletBob

ineedotk -> RE: Submissive males with anal as a hard limit (3/9/2007 1:48:33 AM)
Time, time, time. When dealing with fears such as this, you can't just rush things. It won't work. Realationships are full of sacrifices as it is. This would just be another one for the time being. You can slowing introduce the insertion of things, such as a finger, so he can get used to it, and see that it's not so bad. And don't expect him to just accept, say, a finger insertion, right off the bat. There wil be a lot of "no's" and "hesitations" in the beginning. This will be a long, low-expectation process. It just will. But don't look at it as something frustrating because you want your way now. Look at the whole getting-used-to-it experience as a slow, intimate learning experience for him - like any other learning experience - and your teaching of it should be a fun thing for you. The longer it takes for him to "learn", the longer your fun of "teaching" should be. Afterall, learning goes on for a lifetime. One doesn't just stop learning.

MistressDolly -> RE: Submissive males with anal as a hard limit (3/9/2007 9:36:26 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: cloudboy quote: ORIGINAL: MistressDolly I can't say from experience (I've never met a male who didn't like at least one form of anal stimulation) but I would tell him if it feels good and doesn't hurt (it can if you want it :) ), just do it. I was thinking the simple approach might work best as well. The best way to find out if a rock is slippery or not is to put one's foot on it, carefully. Sometimes simplicity is the wisest course. :)

azzmaster -> RE: Submissive males with anal as a hard limit (3/10/2007 2:19:44 AM)
any sub will enjoy anal if its properly introduced. some of these ideas were good stategies. slow but sure is the best approach

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