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Assumption / Judgement!! - 3/8/2007 4:34:36 PM   
missturbation


Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
Status: offline 		I received mail today from a friend which was well, without going into details full of presumption / judgement about what kind of person i am. Of course, i wouldn't have a problem with this if the presumption / judgement was nice or even true but it wasn't!
 
Then i received mail from a total stranger saying basically did i not have thoughts of my own, was i not well read enough to quote something other than the Marquis etc etc?
 
I reacted, i bit. Ok normally i would have just laughed it off and deleted it but a double whammy of presumption / judgement pissed me off just a little!!
 
Now i'm left wondering, well my friend yes they assumed, no other way to look at it but the stranger maybe they were not being presumptious / judgemental, maybe they were just seeing what i had put put there in my profile. So maybe i was the one presuming / judging they were having a go at me and that makes me as bad as them?
Does being judged make us be more judgemental ?
 
 
 

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RE: Assumption / Judgement!! - 3/8/2007 4:47:07 PM   
Mysti


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Status: offline 		Being judged makes us more defensive, so in our defense we want to judge the person right back. I was judgemental before I found this lifestyle. And I stilll am. Its a trait I'm not necessarily proud of, but its there none the less

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RE: Assumption / Judgement!! - 3/8/2007 4:48:25 PM   
swtrayn


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quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation

Does being judged make us be more judgemental ?
 


Sadly, being judged is something  that happens to us all.

I can understand you getting upset and even understand more so,because  you got double whammied.

I would like to think that I am less judgemental, because of the fact that many people judge me by what I write in the forums, my profile or for many other reasons.

Sometimes what others say about us or even to us when they assume or judge can be very hurtful.

I do try hard to not assume or judge someone I do not know. But, sadly, I know that I have been quilty of doing so and  have tried harder not to.

Hopefully this help in some how.

rayn




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RE: Assumption / Judgement!! - 3/8/2007 4:50:28 PM   
missturbation


Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
Status: offline 		Mysti - Yeah i think maybe my defenses had already being put on red alert by my friends judgement and therefore the strangers comments just pushed the bite back button easier.
 
swtrayn - The silly thing is the strangers comments didnt hurt and i bit. My friends judgement stung like hell and yet i just replied with that hurt. What is that all about?

< Message edited by missturbation -- 3/8/2007 4:52:45 PM >

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RE: Assumption / Judgement!! - 3/8/2007 5:48:37 PM   
fergus


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Status: offline 		Being judgemental is not wrong.  In fact, it is natural to our species.  It is a hold-over survival technique to be initially afraid of what is different and it still has its place.

It is an emotional instinctual response.  The trick is to recognize that this emotional responce is important and needs to be heeded - BUT - that once we have removed ourselves from fear and danger we can go back and have a more THOUGHTFUL look at what was different and learn better from it.

But what you are describing from the stranger is just ... well ... rude.  Rudeness is also natural, and your natural response to it would be either to ignore it, or to give the stranger a piece of your mind!

Now, the friend is stickier.  When a friend lashes out it could be their own insecurities, or perhaps your own perception of their words is off.  Not everyone is eloquent when writing and many a misunderstanding is arising by casual conversational language used in a read-only format (like e-mails and forum posts).

So, your friend has said some hurtfull prejudging things.  You have done the EXACT right thing by letter them know that their comments have hurt you!  Try to have an open mind and try to find out what they MEANT by the comments and why they think that way.  I'll just bet it will really open up a dialogue between you two and deepen the friendship.

fergus

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RE: Assumption / Judgement!! - 3/8/2007 7:05:25 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


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Status: offline 		I've trained myself that the moment I become defensive, I stop to examine why.  Its THAT defensiveness which I need to know and understand within myself.  The actual judgement and whatever happens to be going on around that will take care of itself over time.

Control what you can control- which is YOUR reaction to what life brings.

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RE: Assumption / Judgement!! - 3/8/2007 7:12:31 PM   
Dtesmoac


Posts: 565
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Status: offline 		Sometimes it is when there is a grain of truth in the judgemental part that we actually don't like seeing in others that causes us to become ultra defensive.

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RE: Assumption / Judgement!! - 3/8/2007 7:20:22 PM   
swtrayn


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quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

I've trained myself that the moment I become defensive, I stop to examine why.  Its THAT defensiveness which I need to know and understand within myself.  The actual judgement and whatever happens to be going on around that will take care of itself over time.

Control what you can control- which is YOUR reaction to what life brings.


Wonderful advice and very insightful. I hope to learn to do that also.

Thank you for sharing

rayn


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"Make sure brain is engaged before SEND key is released"

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RE: Assumption / Judgement!! - 3/8/2007 7:22:04 PM   
swtrayn


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Joined: 2/21/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation


swtrayn - The silly thing is the strangers comments didnt hurt and i bit. My friends judgement stung like hell and yet i just replied with that hurt. What is that all about?


Well, I can understand how your friends stung like hell, because that person is your friend, their opinion matters to you. We all handle things differently, and I am not sure I can say I would of done differently.

Here is hoping the sting lessins in time.

rayn


_____________________________

"I tried to contain myself -- I escaped..."

"Make sure brain is engaged before SEND key is released"

"Once in his life, every man is entitled to fall madly in love with a gorgeous redhead."--Lucille Ball


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RE: Assumption / Judgement!! - 3/8/2007 10:32:22 PM   
juliaoceania


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From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		Being judgmental is not necessarily a bad thing, it takes discernment to know when one is rightly being judgmental. Assuming is usually a bad idea, but we all make assumptions every day of our life unthinkingly because that is just how human beings are, it takes a wise person to acknowledge when they wrongly assume something, and since it is a trait we all share, we should be able to readily admit we do this.. but our ego gets in the way

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RE: Assumption / Judgement!! - 3/8/2007 10:41:47 PM   
domiguy


Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline 		I judge every moment of every day...from people, posts to situations at work...to the food I consume...No problems...It's the way the world works.  If you didn't have the ability to Judge it might lead one to believe you are not capable of forming an opinion.

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RE: Assumption / Judgement!! - 3/8/2007 11:53:17 PM   
NeedToUseYou


Posts: 2297
Joined: 12/24/2005
From: None of your business
Status: offline 		I judge everything constantly. I'm not sure how anyone could function without making judgements constantly. Like someone writes you, you make a judgement about whether the person is worth contacting back based on what you are looking for and your perception of their compatiblity to you. You read a post and judge whether it merits a response. Etc... The problem isn't with judging constantly, but with thinking that others want to hear the judgement. It's a lack of control when people do that, not a fault of the basic and constant act of judging. Judging is just the act of make a best guess off available information, most people know judgements can be wrong, and thus selectively reveal them, when A one has enough info to back it up to a reasonable degree,  B when it's useful to give a judgement, or C when one wants to argue.

I'd actually think about whatever your friend said, well, if they know you well enough anyway. Sometimes we don't see things other people do. But of course that all depends on your judgement of her/his flakiness,intellect, wisdom, character, experience.  As far as the stranger goes, well, he just wants to argue. What other point would there be?

See all those judgements. LOL. and I don't know your friends the dude that contacted you or you. But I'd bet I'm right about the stranger anyway.

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