Conversation and Friendships in BDSM (Full Version)

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resademilo -> Conversation and Friendships in BDSM (3/30/2005 5:27:12 PM)

Since back when I first noted in my journal and profile that i was no longer owned i've been getting responses like crazy. Nothing wrong with responses. We have our profiles here for one reason or another. As it was stated in my profile i am only looking for friendships and conversations with other individuals in the BDSM community.

Time and time again i have gotten Doms (since i'm a sub it's going to sound one sided) who say sure i want to be your friend, then the first thing they start with is, "what kind of Dom are you looking for", "what's your kinks", and "what's your limits?" All the while i'm saying, "I wanted someone to discuss views with not share my kinky fantasies." I think if i wanted to do that i would advertise for people to exchange fantasies.

The disturbing thing is regardless if a person's profile lists kinks, regardless if you write a well thought out message about seeking friendships only, these questions seem to be the conversational norm. Why do i need to know what kinks a person has to be friends and exchange conversation?

Some say it's BDSM and that's what people want to talk about. Sure we want to discuss it sometimes but in a friendship there's got to be more. And even so, when discussing BDSM there's other things to talk about then personal kinks. Most of these boards are about our concerns and views in this lifestyle of ours, but it seems when people respond to profiles they aren't looking to be social, nor friends they are simply looking for a play partner and no matter what they say it's evident in the questions they ask.

Personally, I have always preferred to start a conversation of shared interest by reading a profile, finding that common interest and talking about it versus interviewing a person.

Is it just me or is it really becoming a contest of kinks out here?



EmeraldSlave2 -> RE: Conversation and Friendships in BDSM (3/30/2005 5:41:49 PM)

I can say that nothing has changed in the mere 6 years I've been actively online and in bdsm.

You can ignore them, say no thanks, or say you'd prefer to talk about other things.

Either way, getting anything but blase about it is a waste of energy. These people want the kink, they don't usually "get" the reality and relationship that's taking place so they go for the gold.



KarbonCopy -> RE: Conversation and Friendships in BDSM (4/1/2005 10:37:57 AM)


I can understand how you feel. I came to this site, owned and in a 24/7 D/s relationship with my fiancee, so its not likely to end any time soon. I came here because it was a community, and it was active.

Alot of other boards that I go to, are completely dead, mabey a new post every couple days. I dont like it like that.




happypervert -> RE: Conversation and Friendships in BDSM (4/1/2005 12:04:32 PM)

I think Chris Rock did a bit about male-female friendships. As I recall, he said that men look at their women friends as girls they just haven't fucked yet, but if the opportunity arises they'll be ready. Girls look at the guys like insurance, and maybe they'll use the policy but only in an emergency.

So although everything you say makes sense, I think that most guys will interpret "friends" as meaning someone whom you have enough in common with that you'll play without expecting a relationship. The ones that contact you are aggressively pursuing that; if you contact a single guy then he'll think you find him so fascinating that you want him to seduce you; and if you contact a guy in a relationship then he'll figure you want to be part of his harem. And reports around here indicate that submissive guys will probably want you to top them.

Therefore, I'd guess your best bets for making friends to talk with about "stuff" would be other ladies and gay guys. Otherwise, you're going to have to deal with a guy's reptilian brain driven by testosterone and the nature of a dog.



sub4hire -> RE: Conversation and Friendships in BDSM (4/1/2005 12:19:08 PM)

quote:

Time and time again i have gotten Doms (since i'm a sub it's going to sound one sided) who say sure i want to be your friend, then the first thing they start with is, "what kind of Dom are you looking for", "what's your kinks", and "what's your limits?" All the while i'm saying, "I wanted someone to discuss views with not share my kinky fantasies." I think if i wanted to do that i would advertise for people to exchange fantasies.


I've gotten that all of my life. It isn't just the lifestyle. It is human nature.
My hobbies are usually things men like doing. Well, manly men anyway. I like to go rock climbing. Play sports. Build things.
So, being female naturally I would gravitate towards those who happen to like the same things I do.
I remember reading someplace in college that only something like 1/3rd of the population would ever evolve enough to be able to have friends(strictly friendships) with the opposite sex.
I can attest to that. They start out as friends. As time goes on you realize they have ulterior motives. End up discarding them.
Bottom line is, I have a man in my life whom I happen to love. I'm only looking for friends. Like minded all the better.

No idea what you can do about it. Some will never understand you can only be friends.



BeachMystress -> RE: Conversation and Friendships in BDSM (4/1/2005 5:56:32 PM)


Funny how this works, isn't it? Men assume that if you're willing to be friends with them, it means you'll be willing to do more with them. Give them an inch, and they try to take the whole body. It comes down to lack of respect. What you want doesn't matter in the least. What matters is what THEY want. Anyone who calls themselves a Dominant that acts like that isn't a worthwhile Dominant.

And the whole thing about assuming that because you are interested in BDSM, it is ok to approach you sexually and ask about your kinks is crap. They are taking advantage of the anonymity a computer provides to titillate themselves sexually at your expense. If you were seeking, it would be different, as they'd have the excuse of trying to match with you, You aren't, they don't, they're using you. I still have male subs pulling this junk with me, even though I am very upfront and plain about the fact that I am NOT looking. It isn't a Dom phenomena. It isn't acceptable. Write them back a letter of disappointment expressing that you'd thought they were better than that but are able to admit when you're wrong. That you're no longer willing to have contact with them and that you'll be blocking them. Don't waste time and energy trying to get these men to behave acceptably. Write them off and move on to people who are worthy of friendship.






perverseangelic -> RE: Conversation and Friendships in BDSM (4/1/2005 6:26:31 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: BeachMystress



And the whole thing about assuming that because you are interested in BDSM, it is ok to approach you sexually and ask about your kinks is crap. They are taking advantage of the anonymity a computer provides to titillate themselves sexually at your expense.


I -hate- this. It's frustrating, because I'll think we're having a normal conversation, and -boom- "Have you ever done incest"

WTF?

The block button is a godsend.



resademilo -> RE: Conversation and Friendships in BDSM (4/3/2005 7:48:44 PM)

Well this weekend was it. some "Dom" answered my ad (before I changed it) and again explained he understood i was only looking for friends. Then he ask me to tell about my past which i did. So he told about his. Now when i talked about my past there wasn't much bdsm mentioned in it. He spoke of his family and in the comments mentioned he got fixed so he "couldn't give me children"

I think my eyes nearly did a double roll in my head. I said to my mother, "When did being friends equate to making babies."

After that I said screw it and i wrote in my profile that any males responding to it will get blocked and deleted. I can't tolerate the disrespect en mass.

amazing as it is, they must understand that since i haven't had a message from any. Which is great!



Padriag -> RE: Conversation and Friendships in BDSM (4/3/2005 9:39:32 PM)

Hate to tell you this ladies, but doms get it too from "submissives". Its no where near as bad, but I've had to deal with a several situations where a submissive friend suddenly decided she wanted more with me. Some get very catty about it. I had one who was on her own lil campaign in a chat room to keep any other submissive from even talking to me because as it turned out, she was sure if I didn't have anyone else talking to me I would magically fall in love with her. Had another who started coming on to me... an she was already owned!

But it is nice to make friends online for discussion. You just have to keep in mind that a lot of people come here with their own agenda.



GentleLady -> RE: Conversation and Friendships in BDSM (4/3/2005 10:02:08 PM)

quote:

I think my eyes nearly did a double roll in my head. I said to my mother, "When did being friends equate to making babies."
That's hilarious....*soft laughter*



FuriousAngel -> RE: Conversation and Friendships in BDSM (4/3/2005 10:53:46 PM)

I was just pondeirng this issue of Doms/friendliness myself again this week. Yes, I do realize it happens with both sexes, and outside the lifestyle. But for these purposes, I'm referring to Dominants.

I observed this 'friendship' approach very early into my journey and have taken great care in who I pursue 'friendships' with online. Though I've been chatting in rooms for the past year, I only maintain friendships with 13 Dominant's outside of the rooms. Half of those Dominants have slaves, who are also my friends so the friendships were extended by both. I have found it easier to be extremely guarded simply because I don't like to find myself in awkward situations.

I recently had been approached by a couple of Dominants with claims of wanting to be my friend. I have been familiar with them and get along wonderfully in chat rooms. I decline such approaches initially as again, I like to be certain there is no confusion. After extending friendship on several occasions, I finally agreed to take the friendship to at least an exchange of e-mails. After receiving my second e-mail stating it would never be more than friendship, he never responded again.

I underwent the same situation with a Dominant who claimed to want to know me more as I'm such a nice girl and he respects my decisions. When I explained that I didn't want to be friends outside of chat because I knew he was fond of me? He insisted 'friends first then see where it goes'. When I responded that it would be friends only ever? His tone changed and he's hardly spoken a word to me.

I don't quite understand it? Why not just be straight forward and say you want to know me for the purpose of pursueing a relationship? I don't fault anyone for wanting to speak to another for this purpose. I don't even fault them for not wanting to bother getting to know the person only as a friend if they are busy on a quest to find someone special. I realize it's hard to find connections and it can be time consuming.

The only aspect I find disappointing is that the times I experience this? It's by men who appear to be very nice and I enjoy chatting with them in the rooms. When they become cold towards me because I stick to my guns (even though they say they respect it and don't want more) .... it's...a let down after they have been so insistant about seeking friendship 'only'. Hence ... my guard remains up. Besides, I'm comfortable with my selection of Dominant friends I currently hold. *s*





EmeraldSlave2 -> RE: Conversation and Friendships in BDSM (4/4/2005 5:38:55 AM)

I agree, I MUCH prefer the ones who just state upfront "I want you to be my whore" or "I'm looking for a sub" rather than putting on some long seduction parade of knight-in-armor, romantic lover, friend/mentor helping out when all the time they really want to get to the play and sex.

It's much easier to just say "no thanks" to the direct approach than to have to engage in some conversations and such and end up with a dead end on your hands.

But, that's the way of it, that's the sucky part of dating.



stormsfate -> RE: Conversation and Friendships in BDSM (4/4/2005 5:46:37 AM)

I just hate painting everyone with the same brush. :) I don't think its a specific gender who thinks this way necessarily, but more the mindset of a lot of people who are on these sites. There are plenty of nice people just seeking friendship and when they say friendship, it doesn't include bdsm or a sexual relationship.

Both my owner and I have found that people who contact us and often people we contact just assume. My owner has embarrassed more than one submissive who assumed that...not intentionally, but it is embarrassing when you assume something and then its made clear that that is not the case.

Anyway...you can set your mail options so that any email from men/women/couples gets sent directly to the bulk mail folder where you won't even know its there if you don't go looking for it :)

Loved your website, resa!


best regards,
f



Blk4u2 -> RE: Conversation and Friendships in BDSM (4/4/2005 3:35:32 PM)

I happen to disagree with most of what's been said. I have plenty of female friends that are attractive, but I am not looking to sleep with. Simply put, how we met and the relationships I have with them have always been brother\sister. Sure it's norm to say this is rare, but I see it. The key for you though as a woman is to not ever put yourself, or create a situation where he may feel that your "into" him. As such that doesn't include what we all do. We all all flirtatious inherently, but you should know your limits, and how to flirt with a friend vs. an interest.

For ladies and gentleman alike there is one true sign that someone is "into" you. Will...As in WILL they drop everything to make you happy ? If they are willing to put their life, or other things on hold all too quickly to do something for you, constantly. There is your sign, and you need to not abuse that. When you do, man or woman, then they take it as interest.



Kinkypupper -> RE: Conversation and Friendships in BDSM (4/7/2005 10:59:15 AM)

Some just do not take the truth as a real answer..



PaintedLady -> RE: Conversation and Friendships in BDSM (4/7/2005 3:06:40 PM)

quote:

Therefore, I'd guess your best bets for making friends to talk with about "stuff" would be other ladies and gay guys. Otherwise, you're going to have to deal with a guy's reptilian brain driven by testosterone and the nature of a dog.


If I took that advice I would miss out on some of the best friends I ever had, and come to think of it some of the best lovers I have ever had too and while i'd agree that most men are dogs- well, that does have some upside to it too[:D]

I like men- I like there company as well as sex with them, and as a friend pointed out once, if you don't sleep with your friends then who? your enemies?

Which doesn't mean that it isn't a hair up my ass when someone just doesn't know how to take 'it is NOT going to happen!' for an answer and seems to hang around just for the chance that it might happen, But that is the difference between men and boys.

Kat



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