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Defining The d/s Relationship - 3/10/2007 6:31:56 AM

SlyStone

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From: Chicago
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So much of what people put in their profiles is open to interpretation and misinterpretation. If I say in my profile that I love to travel for instance, it could mean that I like a vacation once a year, I am interested in seeing the world, or that I am off to the Congo to study the mating habits of African Pygmies. If I say I love to eat out it could mean that I always super size my double cheeseburger, or that I have my own table at Alinea and am a regular at Charlie Trotters's.

The bulk of submissive's I have encountered at this site are looking for a long term D/s relationship, as clearly stated in their profile, which includes seeking a commonality of vanilla interests as well. But one assumes, since they are looking here, that first and foremost they are looking for a d/s relationship, whatever that is.

And frankly I think it is often the case that they don't have a clue what that is since it is just a general umbrella term that needs to be self defined to have any meaning. And if they have defined it for themselves, I betcha it is different from the next persons and so on and so on.

I think the main problem occurs when one person tries to apply the common definition of a vanilla relationship to the d/s dynamic and the other person tries to apply the d/s dynamic to a vanilla relationship, and the result is confusion on all sides and the proverbial ships passing in the night.

And while it is true that labels and definitions don't matter and we should all be able to determine for ourselves what a good relationship is and what d/s is etc, when people are attempting to find each other under these conditions, it seems that defining and communicating that definition is of some importance.

So here are my questions:

What is your definition of a d/s relationship?

Is D/s a viable long term relationship orientated dynamic?

_____________________________

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage.

Anais Nin

Post #: 1

RE: Defining The d/s Relationship - 3/10/2007 6:37:58 AM

sub4hire

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A very good working vanilla relationship, one where you also happen to have many of the same kink's and desires in life.

(in reply to SlyStone)

Post #: 2

RE: Defining The d/s Relationship - 3/10/2007 6:50:36 AM

kyraofMists

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For us, a d/s relationship is a relationship where authority is transerred from one person to the other. The amount of authority that is transferred is dependent upon the two people involved and the type of relationship that they want. In our relationship, I have transferred all authority to him.

I definitely think that it is viable long term.

Knight's kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to SlyStone)

Post #: 3

RE: Defining The d/s Relationship - 3/10/2007 6:59:46 AM

eyesopened

Posts: 2798
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From: Tampa, FL
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D/s to me means that (please excuse the gender-specific but i am relating my own views and dynamics) the Man is the leader, guide, boss, and that i give to, submit to, work for, and follow Him for His pleasure and contentment. This provides me with a sense of well-being and satisfaction. i do not make a distinction between "vanilla" and "lifestyle" because i believe that for D/s to be a style of living it incorporates all aspects of one's life. i firmly see D/s as being a style of living and BDSM activities to be the spice of that lifestyle. i need a Man who is capable of being high above me as well as being capable of bending down to reach me.

_____________________________

Proudly owned by InkedMaster. He is the one i obey, serve, honor and love.

No one is honored for what they've received. Honor is the reward for what has been given.

(in reply to SlyStone)

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RE: Defining The d/s Relationship - 3/10/2007 7:01:45 AM

MzMia

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Wonderful! Wonderful topic!
So here are my questions:

What is your definition of a d/s relationship?

MY definition of a d/s relationship, is basically the same as any other type of "relationship", except
the dynamics and activities are different. Especially with a power exchange.

Is D/s a viable long term relationship orientated dynamic?

I certainly hope so, when I find my mate and collar him, I hope we are together until one of us passes away.
Then we will be together in the next life.
On the other hand I am realistic, and with the divorce rate at around 50%, why do many of us think
it will be easier in this lifestyle? All long term relationships take work, and especially they take
two people WILLING to make their relationship work.

< Message edited by MzMia -- 3/10/2007 7:04:44 AM >

_____________________________

Namaste'
To Each His/Her Own
"DENIAL ain't just a river in Egypt." Mark Twain

What's your favorite fetish?
"My partner's whisper"--bloomswell

(in reply to SlyStone)

Post #: 5

RE: Defining The d/s Relationship - 3/10/2007 7:17:34 AM

thetammyjo

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quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists

For us, a d/s relationship is a relationship where authority is transerred from one person to the other. The amount of authority that is transferred is dependent upon the two people involved and the type of relationship that they want. In our relationship, I have transferred all authority to him.

I definitely think that it is viable long term.

Knight's kyra

This is a definition I can agree with myself with only one adjustment for me: the transfer of authority is based on mutual choice and recognition not on things like societal expectations, job requirements, basic survival, or any form of coersion.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 6

RE: Defining The d/s Relationship - 3/10/2007 7:57:10 AM

krikket

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From: Washington, DC Metro Area
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As usual kyra you've nailed it. I've only had one relationship like this and it was heaven on earth. One of the best parts is that I knew if I had an opinion I was free to express it and I knew he listed to me, my feelings and my heart. His decisions took all of that in, and weighed them with what he thought was the best, for both of us. His decisions were "his" and I willingly and gladly followed, because -- and here's the "catch" -- I trusted him as he trusted me.

Being alone i miss a lot of things, but what I miss the most is that..the trust that flowed both ways, along with the love and power exchange

Lovely thoughts to start a weekend..thanks. :)

jimini

quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists

For us, a d/s relationship is a relationship where authority is transerred from one person to the other. The amount of authority that is transferred is dependent upon the two people involved and the type of relationship that they want. In our relationship, I have transferred all authority to him.

I definitely think that it is viable long term.

Knight's kyra

_____________________________

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to bloom."

by A. Nin

When your heart speaks take good notes.

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 7

RE: Defining The d/s Relationship - 3/10/2007 8:00:13 AM

nissa

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Joined: 2/28/2007
From: Carson City Nevada
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quote:

So here are my questions:

What is your definition of a d/s relationship?

Is D/s a viable long term relationship orientated dynamic?

as already stated by some, for myself the definition would be a transfer of authority from one person ( me, the submissive ) to another ( him, the dominant ). In my relationship it would be a transfer of total and complete authority; and yes, I do believe that it can work long term.

_____________________________

nissa

(in reply to SlyStone)

Post #: 8

RE: Defining The d/s Relationship - 3/10/2007 8:51:25 AM

Lashra

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quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists

For us, a d/s relationship is a relationship where authority is transerred from one person to the other. The amount of authority that is transferred is dependent upon the two people involved and the type of relationship that they want. In our relationship, I have transferred all authority to him.

I definitely think that it is viable long term.

Knight's kyra

Kyra said it right except in My relationship insert the word "her" for him

I have the authority and we like it that way.

~Lashra

_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 9

RE: Defining The d/s Relationship - 3/10/2007 9:47:13 AM

CreativeDominant

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For myself, I seek a D/s relationship in which I am the dominant and my partner is the submissive. The authority and control negotiated for will be in place all the time as will the responsibilities, joys, work, play, and occasional hard times. I want a partner that understands that you cannot just set submission aside because you "just don't feel it" but who isn't a doormat by any means. It can be and, I believe, is possible to maintain dominance and submission and have disagreements which are worked through from a D/s point of perspective rather than a perspective which includes name-calling or righteous/vindictive/scornful anger or hateful, hurtful, non-helpful remarks that have nothing to do with what is being settled. The romance needs to be there but not in a manner that it can be easily used to manipulate on either of us' part.

As for the "vanilla" interests, I think they can be meshed so long as the similarities outweigh the differences and the level of importance of individual tastes roughly equal out.

I could have perhaps put this better but I am on a short break from work and wanted to give this a go.

(in reply to SlyStone)

Post #: 10

RE: Defining The d/s Relationship - 3/10/2007 11:01:36 AM

sambamanslilgirl

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From: Chicago, IL
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not sure how to answer your first question since Daddy and i had started off as a vanilla relationship before moving into the D/s dynamic because of our similar interests and tastes. we didn't jump into the Daddy-daughter side to this relationship that came about gradually. i believe both our vanilla and D/s side cannot survive without the other and it's possible to be both at the same time which is why He prefers keeping the D/s private behind closed doors.

to answer your second question - yes, D/s can viable in a long term relationship because Daddy and i are committed to each other like husband and wife til death does one of us part. since i'm permitted to meet and date other men (nilla or D/s), i'm seeking friendship first and if the right person wants the same, maybe a possible ltr - it's Daddy goal for me. i know it sounds a bit confusing however my relationship with Daddy will never change. He'll merely take on the Daddy role for the rest of my life while sharing my life and love with the other.

_____________________________

...2011 - year of the fabulous rock star life ...and i do it so well...

...announcing Mr. & Mrs. British Petrol ...yeah, marrying into oil is slick business...

(in reply to CreativeDominant)

Post #: 11

RE: Defining The d/s Relationship - 3/10/2007 2:07:34 PM

AquaticSub

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Joined: 12/27/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: SlyStone

So here are my questions:

What is your definition of a d/s relationship?

I consentually hand over power .

quote:

Is D/s a viable long term relationship orientated dynamic?

If it wasn't, I wouldn't be wasting my time with it. If someone can tell me for certain that they will never want to be with me long-term and never want to marry me then they are doing me a favor. My long term goals are marriage and a family so anything that doesn't have a shot at it just isn't worth my time.

Edited to Add: I'd be still be kinky as hell, just wouldn't try for a d/s relationship

< Message edited by AquaticSub -- 3/10/2007 2:09:50 PM >

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to SlyStone)

Post #: 12

RE: Defining The d/s Relationship - 3/10/2007 2:54:49 PM

SlyStone

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From: Chicago
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For us, a d/s relationship is a relationship where authority is transerred from one person to the other. The amount of authority that is transferred is dependent upon the two people involved and the type of relationship that they want. In our relationship, I have transferred all authority to him.

This is to everyone.

I think it's a pretty good definition of the d/s relationship. I could get into the issue of dynamic vs relationship but that's not where I want to go with this, although if any one else does, feel free.

In any case I think the key to the definition is the amount of authority that is being transferred, which, it seems to me, needs to be first self defined, and than defined within a given relationship, for it to have any meaning.

Let's say you were searching for a relationship here on CM. You state on your profile that you are looking for a long term d/s relationship and you also list a bunch of vanilla interests, as is often the case here.

If you are looking for a relationship where you relinquish full authority your vanilla listings are really only relevant in helping to define who you are, and are of far less importance than the agreement on the d/s dynamic.

If you are looking for a relationship where you retain a certain level of authority, stating your vanilla interests may be very important, and for you, finding a dominant compatible with those interests my be of equal importance as finding one who meets your d/s needs.

The question is, I think, can you determine the level of authority you are willing to give up in a given d/s relationship before you enter into it, or is this something that evolves over time?

And if it is something that evolves over time, than are people seeking to enter into long term relationships in which a key component is in many ways an unknown, which would seem to put the odds against success?

< Message edited by SlyStone -- 3/10/2007 2:56:03 PM >

_____________________________

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage.

Anais Nin

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 13

RE: Defining The d/s Relationship - 3/10/2007 2:57:09 PM

SlyStone

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Joined: 12/23/2006
From: Chicago
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I could have perhaps put this better but I am on a short break from work and wanted to give this a go.

I think you put it fine and I appreciate your response, as I do all the others so far.

_____________________________

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage.

Anais Nin

(in reply to CreativeDominant)

Post #: 14

RE: Defining The d/s Relationship - 3/10/2007 3:09:10 PM

BlackWomanSubNJ

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Joined: 2/11/2007
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The Dom whom I serve tells me repeatedly that He has no wish to interact with me in a vanilla manner. He is almost violently opposed to vanilla. The parameters of our relations are clear. He also says it will most likely take years for me to be able to be submissive to Him in all ways without me having to think about my behavior.

He was looking for a long term deal and so was I. As long as I continue to serve His needs and in that way have my needs met, and as long as neither of our needs change in a way that the other can't meet, than there's no reason for the relationship not to be long term.

Did that answer the question? I think I rambled.

_____________________________

My purpose is to learn to fullfill His desires, in the hope that He will become my Master and own me completely.

(in reply to SlyStone)

Post #: 15

RE: Defining The d/s Relationship - 3/11/2007 4:08:19 PM

MasterFireMaam

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From: Charleston, WV
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quote:

ORIGINAL: SlyStone

What is your definition of a d/s relationship?

Is D/s a viable long term relationship orientated dynamic?

The transfer of authority inside a defined, agreed upon stucture. Yes, this is a viable LTR. I know many who have been together 5+ years.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
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BDSM How-To Books

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Post #: 16

RE: Defining The d/s Relationship - 3/11/2007 6:52:43 PM

SlyStone

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The transfer of authority inside a defined, agreed upon stucture. Yes, this is a viable LTR. I know many who have been together 5+ years.

I would venture to guess that to stay together that long it is likely that the defined agreed upon structure changes with the relationship. In other words since people change and grow within any relationship there has to be some flexibility in the structure itself in order for it to continue to exist, right?

I would also guess that they have more in common than than the one being dominant and the other submissive. And this is the part I am interested in.

I would guess, in fact I know, that people can sustain a d/s bdsm dynamic in the short term while having absolutely nothing in common except the need to dominant and the need to submit. But to last 5 years or more together I would think one needs more, I know I need a great deal more.

What I am trying to get at here, and doing a poor job at it, is the possible dichotomy that exists between the seeking a long term total authority transfer relationship and the importance of vanilla needs and interests.

On a vanilla people seeking people site when people say they are looking for a long term relationship it is generally very clear what they are talking about. They may or may not want children, they may only seek marriage, etc, but in the main they are looking for someone who shares their vanilla interests and their values to spend their life with.

Here when someone says they are looking for a long term d/s relationship I think it is a much more complicated and undefined quest. It seems that they are looking for all of the above plus some kind of authority transfer but the twist here is the amount of authority transfer one is comfortable with, and I think it is very possible for people to think they have shared views here but in fact don't.

I am thinking that it is hard enough to find a life partner, and when we add the need for a specific type of relationship with that possible life partner, and than we also specify that it must be a long term relationship, people are asking for an awful lot.

Wouldn't it be better to start small and see how things evolve?

_____________________________

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage.

Anais Nin

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Post #: 17

RE: Defining The d/s Relationship - 3/11/2007 7:02:01 PM

IrishMist

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Sly, I would think that anyone who has been in a long term relationship; vanilla or otherwise; would obviously have something in common besides kink.

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If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.

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RE: Defining The d/s Relationship - 3/11/2007 7:02:31 PM

Sab

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Joined: 5/2/2006
From: Canada
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What is your definition of a d/s relationship? I am Dominant and she is submissive :D

Is D/s a viable long term relationship orientated dynamic? I am married to her so I bloody well and hope so! :D

_____________________________

God blessed it and it brought me to her.

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RE: Defining The d/s Relationship - 3/11/2007 7:15:38 PM

BOUNTYHUNTER

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Two halves making a whole,What would a coin be without both a head and a tail...??bounty

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US going to hell in a hand basket/

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