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RE: collar me - 3/11/2007 9:24:47 AM   
toservez


Posts: 1733
Joined: 9/7/2006
From: All over now in Minnesota
Status: offline 		I think there is much more context needed fro the OP for any opinion, including mine to even have a shot at being near the mark, and with this remark here is my worthless advice.

Ignore the collar!

You are in a relationship is it a good one for BOTH of you or is it a toxic one for one or both. If you have been together long enough, the here is the collar/now I am taking it away is just childishly lame, but again we do not know the facts.

Are the issues something that you do believe you need to work on and you have not lived up to the behavior that both of you should have agreed on before, or is this some cheap theatrical stunt on his part to make you jump through hoops you were not prepared to do, limits, or never communicated and agreed upon? Without knowing any of the real facts I cannot see how we can conclude you are guilty, he is guilty or both of you are, certainly though communication on what is expected and if this is working for both of you is probably in order.



_____________________________

I am sorry I do not fit Webster's defintion of a slave but thankfully my Master is not Webster.

"Anything that contradicts experience and logic should be abandoned." - H.H. The 14th Dalai Lama

(in reply to lighthearted)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: collar me - 3/11/2007 9:57:16 AM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline
quote:

My Dom's criticisms of me are so hurtful sometimes that it's almost impossible for me not to react or defend myself.  ...  On the other hand he is very kind and soulful and dear to me. 


You can't exactly do both, the guy is manipulating you, saying you are "bad" so that you will overcompensate and do the things he wants you to do but are unwilling to to. 

quote:

  Any advice for how to relax into this and find ways to please him?


Don't worry about yourself, your health, or your future and you will do fine.

(in reply to litlgirl)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: collar me - 3/11/2007 11:35:07 AM   
goodpet


Posts: 458
Joined: 6/8/2005
Status: offline 		 
I'm with the ones commenting on the few months..   get collared and uncollared all within a few months..

There is a reason so many advise to take things slow.. get to know each other and go through a training time.. this is not just for the sub to be trained in the Dom's way.. this is for the Dom to (dare i say it? ) prove his worth as a Dom to the submissive. You use the training time to evaluate if this is the person you want to spend your time and life with.  Will he meet your needs, be fair, treat you well, give you the level of dominance you desire and can handle?  You are being judged and evaluated but he is also.  and this takes time. takes months.. not days.. not weeks, a long time.

If you have know him for a long time then the formal training might be shorter but if you have just met him.. Give it time.

there is not set right amount of time but (usually) the successful relationships were in the dating mode for a while, eased into the Dom/sub and then came the petition, or requests or begging a collar, then a formal training time and finally a collar, often as a contract for the first year.  what you call it, how long or how many stages differ but the bottom line is that you want to find out if  you are a match before the collar is locked on. 

Otherwise they are know as Velcro collars,. on and off, on and off, on and off. two or three times even with in a year time

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: collar me - 3/11/2007 12:15:25 PM   
Arastella


Posts: 262
Joined: 7/22/2006
Status: offline 		Exactly what DOES he say to you that hurts you so?

(in reply to lighthearted)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: collar me - 3/11/2007 7:52:19 PM   
TemptingNviceSub


Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline 		First off..do not make the re-gaining of the collar your goal or even focus...make him your focus...second off..possibly this is his punishment to you,maybe even one that you will never forget?..Do you stay and try?..or do you go?...these I see are your choices.....Tempting

(in reply to litlgirl)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: collar me - 3/13/2007 6:48:03 PM   
shadevarr


Posts: 360
Joined: 7/2/2006
Status: offline 		From a different light, perhaps he realized that he collared you before you were ready and this might just be his way of re-training you so that you can fullfill his desires and have a collar that is worth having as opposed to one given in haste.

(in reply to TemptingNviceSub)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: collar me - 3/13/2007 8:12:05 PM   
Killbotsgirl


Posts: 95
Joined: 10/25/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: FukinTroll

quote:

ORIGINAL: litlgirl

I have been in a rocky D/s relationship for a few months.  I am being given one more chance to earn my collar back, which I desperately want, but don't know what I can do to earn it back.  My Dom's criticisms of me are so hurtful sometimes that it's almost impossible for me not to react or defend myself.  I seem to almost never say anything right.  On the other hand he is very kind and soulful and dear to me. Any advice for how to relax into this and find ways to please him?


Lock up his evil twin.
some times its hard to lock up a Masters evil twin but if you tell Him how you feel about things and not lock up your emotions around Him He might loosen up but if he doesnt and its His personality then you need to learn how to adjust to it. my Master has split personalities and it makes it hard to please him but i remember he loves me and i love him for loving me

(in reply to FukinTroll)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: collar me - 3/13/2007 9:49:52 PM   
MagiksSlave


Posts: 2768
Joined: 9/11/2006
Status: offline 		Iv tried locking up Masters evil twin but when I do that the good twin inexplicably dissapears as well :( wonder why that always happens

Giggles

Magik's slave

_____________________________

If you’re going through hell keep on moving
don't slow down
if you’re scared dont show it
you might get out
before the devil even knows your there.


-Rodney Atkins-



(in reply to Killbotsgirl)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: collar me - 3/15/2007 1:38:18 AM   
MalenaSalice


Posts: 6
Joined: 3/14/2007
Status: offline 		All I'm gonna say is, if a guy dumped me, and said "do this, this, and this, and kiss my ass continually, but I'll still be an asshole and say maybe I'll take you back"... well, lets just say, I would laugh in his face and  walk away.  A friend of mine says exes are exes for a reason; I think this applies to S&M situations too. Get some girlfriends over, rent a few chick flicks, and buy a better vibe until you find someone better, IMHO.

_____________________________

the internet is boring
i want the expansion pack
-Wisdom from bash.org

(in reply to MagiksSlave)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: collar me - 3/15/2007 7:10:54 AM   
dawntreader


Posts: 3045
Joined: 11/23/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MalenaSalice

All I'm gonna say is, if a guy dumped me, and said "do this, this, and this, and kiss my ass continually, but I'll still be an asshole and say maybe I'll take you back"... well, lets just say, I would laugh in his face and  walk away.  A friend of mine says exes are exes for a reason; I think this applies to S&M situations too. Get some girlfriends over, rent a few chick flicks, and buy a better vibe until you find someone better, IMHO.


This made me smile! i remember in the dying stages of my marriage, my ex gave me a list of things to change about myself that might save our marriage if i did them. It was a profile of sorts for the perfect woman. i remember looking at the list in astonishment and then calmly saying to him "i don't think you are really wanting me to become these things...i think you are looking for someone NEW who is IS these things". He looked at me for a minute and then said " i think you are right". He filed for divorce within the week...

btw: He is still looking for that woman he profiled for me 6.5 years ago :-)

< Message edited by dawntreader -- 3/15/2007 7:12:26 AM >

_____________________________

It is choice - not chance - that determines our destiny~
Jean Nidetch

There is a war going on for your mind...if you are thinking, you are winning~
Flobots

(in reply to MalenaSalice)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: collar me - 3/15/2007 11:38:41 PM   
MalenaSalice


Posts: 6
Joined: 3/14/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: dawntreader

quote:

ORIGINAL: MalenaSalice

All I'm gonna say is, if a guy dumped me, and said "do this, this, and this, and kiss my ass continually, but I'll still be an asshole and say maybe I'll take you back"... well, lets just say, I would laugh in his face and  walk away.  A friend of mine says exes are exes for a reason; I think this applies to S&M situations too. Get some girlfriends over, rent a few chick flicks, and buy a better vibe until you find someone better, IMHO.


This made me smile! i remember in the dying stages of my marriage, my ex gave me a list of things to change about myself that might save our marriage if i did them. It was a profile of sorts for the perfect woman. i remember looking at the list in astonishment and then calmly saying to him "i don't think you are really wanting me to become these things...i think you are looking for someone NEW who is IS these things". He looked at me for a minute and then said " i think you are right". He filed for divorce within the week...

btw: He is still looking for that woman he profiled for me 6.5 years ago :-)

Hah! And I'm sure he'll be searching for a long, long time.. idealists. Pwsht.
The bottom line is it sounds  like the main posters dom is controlling her in away subs should *not* be controlled. These men are asshats who want their own personal barbies, without the flaws, and sooner or later, they will get sick of their toys and toss them because they want something new. These are not men who can love someone for themselves with all flaws taken into account, but rather men who love the ideal. You were not the ideal, so it ended, but now, seeing a chance to temporarily mold you back into that ideal, he hopes to dangle a very small carrot to lure you back. You say he can be soulful and dear, but then he says these hurtful things to you- that's verbal abuse, flat out, if you are upset about it enough to turn for the advice of others (and rightly so.) So that is, at least, that is my own personal bitter female analysis. But you should be with someone who will not make you jump through hoops. Relationships are always a two way street, in BDSM, in vanilla life, everywhere. And if you aren't getting what you need, you'd be crazy NOT to walk away.

< Message edited by MalenaSalice -- 3/15/2007 11:42:18 PM >

(in reply to dawntreader)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: collar me - 3/16/2007 7:50:19 AM   
Mortisnight


Posts: 8
Joined: 3/1/2007
From: Kansas City
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: dawntreader

quote:

ORIGINAL: MalenaSalice

All I'm gonna say is, if a guy dumped me, and said "do this, this, and this, and kiss my ass continually, but I'll still be an asshole and say maybe I'll take you back"... well, lets just say, I would laugh in his face and  walk away.  A friend of mine says exes are exes for a reason; I think this applies to S&M situations too. Get some girlfriends over, rent a few chick flicks, and buy a better vibe until you find someone better, IMHO.


This made me smile! i remember in the dying stages of my marriage, my ex gave me a list of things to change about myself that might save our marriage if i did them. It was a profile of sorts for the perfect woman. i remember looking at the list in astonishment and then calmly saying to him "i don't think you are really wanting me to become these things...i think you are looking for someone NEW who is IS these things". He looked at me for a minute and then said " i think you are right". He filed for divorce within the week...

btw: He is still looking for that woman he profiled for me 6.5 years ago :-)


That's when you reply with a note that says:

Things YOU need to do to save this marriage:

1) Grow a bigger penis.


_____________________________


www.myspace.com/sicknoise
www.myspace.com/archangelmydnight
www.myspace.com/spankcandy

(in reply to dawntreader)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: collar me - 3/16/2007 11:43:33 AM   
TolerableCruelty


Posts: 447
Joined: 2/4/2005
Status: offline 		<fast reply>

a personal rule of Mine is that if they are fuckups enough to lose the collar in the first place, then they shouldn't get it back. I give them one shot, they had best make the most of it. To me this guy sounds wishy-washy, and you're probably best off just taking it as a lesson learned... moving on... and try to serve the next guy as best you can.

T.R.

_____________________________

Never explain~~Your friends do not need it, and your enemies will not believe you

I'm sorry if I've offended you.... but maybe you needed to be offended

(in reply to Mortisnight)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: collar me - 3/16/2007 7:19:02 PM   
MalenaSalice


Posts: 6
Joined: 3/14/2007
Status: offline 		Well said from a Dom's point of view.

_____________________________

the internet is boring
i want the expansion pack
-Wisdom from bash.org

(in reply to TolerableCruelty)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: collar me - 3/16/2007 8:09:36 PM   
RPutnamJr


Posts: 176
Joined: 3/17/2006
Status: offline 		Ok, you guys made it hard for me to keep my mouth shut. I agree with toservez. Without knowing all the facts how can we know what/who is in the wrong or what she's doing wrong.

Maybe he took the collar back for reasons, maybe she isn't as submissive as she seems, maybe he gave the collar out too quickly, maybe he hasn't trained her properly yet. Everything is maybe maybe maybe. We have yet to hear his side of the story.

She though is not asking you about whether she should leave or not. What she is asking for is help in learning what she needs to please him in order to re-gain her collar. Not whether or not she should re-gain it or not.

My suggestions for you if you truely want to please your master and re-gain your collar is the following:

1) Talk to him and see if you can find out what you are doing wrong, what you are doing right, what he wants from you, how can you serve him better?

2) Ask him to train you properly. If you are forgetful then make a list. If it means being punished then accept the punishment. If you need instruction then have him instruct you. Write it down if you need to.

3) Take an interest in what he does, likes, or whatever.

4) Don't complain about things. Especially when he first gets home. If you do then talk in a sweet feminine voice, don't yell.

5) If he does little things that bother you either have to come up with your own solutions or accept them for what they are. For example, when I was married, my ex instead of complaining when I got home tired and stinking, she would take me to the shower herself and get in. I might have felt like collapsing on the couch tired as hell, but I always seemed to find the energy to get naked with her. Then after I was all relaxed she would hit me up with the current problem she had.

Personally I don't know how to help you because I don't really know what's wrong. Maybe you should follow the advice of everybody else and get out. But we cannot say for certain until you give us more specifics, then we can offer true solutions.

What does the collar mean to you? What does it mean to him?

I hate to say it but without knowing any better or worst and knowing some of the people on here that like to play games. He could have used collaring you just to get you into bed and do whatever he wished within limitations with you. And now that he has had what he wants he could be onto somebody else to fool around with. I personally would hope the collar means as much to him as it does to you. For I feel that it truely means something to you.

Good Luck,

Robert

(in reply to MalenaSalice)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: collar me - 3/17/2007 8:31:40 AM   
MasterCurios


Posts: 156
Joined: 4/4/2006
Status: offline 		it seems to mew there is a communication gap here, communication is the backbone of any reltionship and w/o it there is alot of turmoil. it seems you two are on seperte pages.

_____________________________

may the pain be with you

(in reply to lighthearted)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: collar me - 3/17/2007 3:32:27 PM   
slaveish


Posts: 1086
Joined: 2/19/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: litlgirl

I have been in a rocky D/s relationship for a few months.  I am being given one more chance to earn my collar back, which I desperately want, but don't know what I can do to earn it back.  My Dom's criticisms of me are so hurtful sometimes that it's almost impossible for me not to react or defend myself.  I seem to almost never say anything right.  On the other hand he is very kind and soulful and dear to me. Any advice for how to relax into this and find ways to please him?


Two things here bother me. The use of "impossible" and "never" is exaggeration that, at the time, feels true. Inspect it to determine if this is pride or manipulative behavior. "Never" and "always" often fall under control / manipulation (on the speaker's part), and control and manipulation are indicative of emotional turmoil.

Right after that statement, you say he is kind and soulful and dear to you ~tilting head slightly~ so now we have opposing views of the same man within two sentences. We don't know the whole story here, don't know your Sir's side of it, and so it seems that he is either quite the cad and the relationship is doomed OR you could benefit with some professional help for your own issues. To be quite honest, the word "therapy" whizzed through my mind as soon as I read the question.

I don't know what's up with that whole collar / no collar / earn collar thingamajig but it sounds like drama mama. Perhaps the best advice I can give here is to say ask yourself if it's really worth it. If it is, take an aspirin, slap on a bandaid, give yourself a purple sucker and have a good day. If it's not worth it, remove the hemorroid.

By the way, as TwoSpirits said, I think asking him to formally train you is a magnificent idea. I wish you very good luck.

_____________________________

You only lose what you cling to. ~~Gautama Sidharta

If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other. ~~Mother Teresa

(in reply to litlgirl)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: collar me - 3/17/2007 5:53:34 PM   
hawkwolf7


Posts: 85
Joined: 10/24/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: litlgirl

I have been in a rocky D/s relationship for a few months.  I am being given one more chance to earn my collar back, which I desperately want, but don't know what I can do to earn it back.  My Dom's criticisms of me are so hurtful sometimes that it's almost impossible for me not to react or defend myself.  I seem to almost never say anything right.  On the other hand he is very kind and soulful and dear to me. Any advice for how to relax into this and find ways to please him?


As I have read the replies to the OP's post, it occurs to me that it is possible that the Dom removed the collar because the OP cannot help but get defensive when the Dom criticizes her behavior.  (There is at least a spatial correlation if not a definitive causal one.)  I will assume that is the case and attempt to address it.

First, it is rarely easy to receive criticism from anyone, and can be especially hard from someone you like, love, and/or respect.  And in the ideal, the submissive should have some or all of those feelings for their dominant (and vice versa as well).  In apparent paradox, it is the job of the dominant, especially during training, to mold the submissive, which will probably include some form of criticism.  At first blush this contradiction appears insurmountable!  How does anyone overcome this problem?

Well, actually there are many ways.  But the most typical way is for the dominant to learn to provide the submissive with negative feedback in such a way that it doesn't trigger a defensive reaction (i.e., doesn't push their buttons).  And, the submissive can learn that the dominant's criticism is motivated from love and/or caring instead of a desire to attack.  (In other words, learn to not take it personally.)

Having said this, there may be many things that can hinder this process.  If the submissive is simply unable to prevent themselves from having a defensive reaction then this could indicate that they haven't worked through their self-esteem issues enough to be able to receive training.  Or it could mean that the dominant hasn't earned the submissive's trust yet, at least on this level.  Or it could mean that there is just a mismatch between the dominant's training style and the submissive's learning style.

I recommend that litlgirl figure out what it is that the dominant is doing that triggers a defensive reaction, and compare it to situations when the reaction was not triggered, then share that with her dominant.  Perhaps a little soul searching in an attempt to discover why she has these buttons and where she got them would be a growing thing both for her and the relationship.  I can only hope that her dominant will be willing to learn from this a constructive way to train his submissive.

But, even if it turns out that this relationship cannot work, that self-knowledge will be important for any relationship she gets involved in the future.

And try to remember that we should learn and grow as much from our failed relationships as we do from our successful ones.  It's all part of the process.

Sincerely,
HW
 
 

(in reply to litlgirl)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: collar me - 3/23/2007 2:15:05 AM   
mons


Posts: 2400
Joined: 11/16/2005
Status: offline 		greeting litgirl

your dom is being abusive is everything you do or say is wrong then you will never say anything right.  to be treat this way is no right. if you can not say for ex. what am i doing wrong and he say you wrong all of the time your in a no win place. i know what it is to be done this way i had a man i live with and i did nothing right i was told to get a phone so he could call me i did this and he never call was i told to get brith control and he never came to see me. when i was given the choose of moving far from my family and i told him i need to think well he did not give me a day he left without a  word to me. a man like this and yes he was my love of my life kind to me and a dear person when he could be but was mean and drop me fast . i know mine is only one reply that may be different then the others you will recieve but watch out love is not to hurt in emiotional ways it would drive me nuts if i could not defend myself to another and still get the put down. i know you love this man but please be careful and sorry i misspelled your name take care

i wish you luck
mons

(in reply to litlgirl)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: collar me - 3/23/2007 3:09:09 PM   
CelticPrince


Posts: 3613
Joined: 4/15/2005
Status: offline 		litlone,

It is not a hard task if you stop preserving yourself and listen and look to Him for what he seeks.

Simple but effective.

CP

(in reply to litlgirl)
Profile   Post #: 40
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