intimacy vs use

intimacy vs use (Full Version)

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whore4u2use -> intimacy vs use (3/31/2005 12:44:15 PM)
My last relationship was perfect in everyway, except He stopped all physical play when we developed real feelings for one another. Do many male Doms experience this? The inability to love their slave yet play with them and "use" them in ways that fulfill both parties? I am so afraid to fall into this again. Have any other slave/submissives experienced this?

CitizenCane -> RE: intimacy vs use (3/31/2005 12:53:08 PM)
I find it works the other way, for me. D/s and BDSM are tools of intimacy, from my perspective, so if there are issues undermining the affective aspect of the relationship, they also undermine the 'play' or 'use' aspects.

EmeraldSlave2 -> RE: intimacy vs use (3/31/2005 1:41:05 PM)
It happens. This is why one of the most important questions to ask someone you are getting involved with is "why did your last relationship end?" Sometimes its because the dom doesn't know how to fully actualize himself, sometimes he's too scared of his own feelings, and sometimes it's just not what he wants in his life. But life goes on.

Padriag -> RE: intimacy vs use (3/31/2005 1:42:46 PM)
I'm with Cane on this one, if anything I tend to develop very strong feelings of love and intimacy. Its one of the reasons I won't share a slave with others, for me the bond is simply too personal. But to use her for my own pleasure, I have no problem with that. There is a difference between making love to a slave and simply using her... I have no problem doing either. Padriag

Alexander -> RE: intimacy vs use (3/31/2005 2:15:17 PM)
wtf? He stopped using you AFTER? Well i guess i can think of some stories about that but they all involved a guy who got weak cause he fell in love. To which should be replied: Weak! Alex.

lacyann -> RE: intimacy vs use (3/31/2005 2:37:43 PM)
i believe that if we didn't have feelings for our Master or Mistress, we would not respond the way we do. It is too bad that some men, or even women don't allow themselves the intensity that these relationships offer. i know that even in just a little over a month in a training agreement, with clearly stated no long term commitment, based upon my own desires, and i love and care for both Master and His Mistress and serve them with Honor, and they love me as well. i hurt when they hurt, and they hurt when i do. not physically but intimately and emotionally. The long term outcome of our agreement will be Them helping me find a Master/Dom Who will love and cherish my gift of submission or slavery, as much as i love and cherish his commitment and responsibility over me. too i hope to be long term loving friends with my Trainers/ Mentors as They are giving me untold gifts and honors. lacyann

PlayfulRaquel -> RE: intimacy vs use (3/31/2005 8:15:39 PM)
I'm not sure I understand. Did he walk away from the relationship because he developed feelings for you and could no longer use you? Or you still have a relationship but he has turned it vanilla?

proudsub -> RE: intimacy vs use (3/31/2005 8:22:29 PM)
This thread has some thoughts on the subject: can love get in the way

Solitarius -> RE: intimacy vs use (3/31/2005 8:30:39 PM)
I am with Cane on this one myself, they are definately the tools of intimacy. The only thing I can see is since he believes he loes you so that he is unwilling to you hurt, especially by himself. I feel that this is a very weak role to take, but it has happened. Some of us get stronger as we fall in love, others weaker. It is really too bad that he has come to this. Maybe he was not cut out to be a Master, but a switch. I don't know. I say take you chance with this new one, you will find not all Doms/Masters the same and he may prove to be everything to you.

domtimothy46176 -> RE: intimacy vs use (3/31/2005 10:37:15 PM)
I think the difficulty for some may lie in feeling selfish when they "use" a slave for whom they have an emotional attachment. I counter those feelings by reminding myself that my girl was attracted to me for who and what I am and not for all the mushy vanilla emotions I've developed for her. Keeping her needs in the forefront of my mind enables me to detach my emotional reaction and concentrate on fulfilling my obligation to utilize her efficently. I love her to pieces but I also recognize what she requires from our dynamic. "Using" her is the best way to show her how much I truly care for her, as it addresses her needs. Giving in to my vanilla urges at the expense of her needs would be the real selfish act. Timothy

EmeraldSlave2 -> RE: intimacy vs use (4/1/2005 5:42:22 AM)
What's with all the automatic "weak" judgements here? We don't call a sub or dom weak if they really need love in their relationships, so why would we call them weak if they find love ruins the relationship? There's many possibilities here, lets not jump to the first one that puts the dom in the worst light.

desoutter -> RE: intimacy vs use (4/1/2005 6:34:07 AM)
In the past I have experienced something similar to your situation whore4u2use. Now that I have had time to reflect on that experience I see no signs of weakness or any other failure on mine or my subs part. The D/s relationship can be a very spiritual one... when love for each other enters into the relationship, this may interfere with the way you see each other and your roles. All relationships evolve - the trick is to find a way for your 'play' to evolve with the relationship. Nothing ever stays the same - what fun is that? My past experience, my sub wanted things to stay the same - the same 'play'... This was not always possible for me... I needed to change... find other things to stimulate me... expand my knowledge... dare to experience other aspects of the lifestyle... It seems a little strange that 'ALL' physical play would stop entirely - when the physical side of 'play' for me, seems to get better as a relationship progresses - You begin to understand each others needs more - know what works and what doesnt - but things change - what works today doesnt work tomorrow. The key is in being honest and open about things as they are happening - as your feelings for one another deepen - communication is a must! Although evolution in a relationship can change your desires to 'use' your sub to a 'closer to vanilla' physical play... this does not mean you need to stop - A Dom should know if his sub still needs to be 'used'... thats what you do... She needs it... Be the best Dom you can - provide for all your sub's needs, with enthusiasm. Thats my job - As a Dom, I must take care of my sub... I may be alone in this but my greatest pleasure is derived from my subs fullfilment. If she is satisfied physically and emotionally - I'm doing it right! When mistakes are made - Thats where my D really comes into play. Discipline is a favorite of mine - and must be maintained in life. Life is funny - roll with it! or let it roll over you... so in summary - I have no problem 'using' a sub - even one I have strong feelings for - because it may be what she needs or wants. However - You just can't do the same thing, over and over - time and again - people evolve - so should your relationship, your 'play' - your lives. When something goes wrong it usually stems from a lack of communication. Talk to each other - explore your needs - intensify the relationship with change. Don't just stop - thats when the relationship dies.

sinnocentky -> RE: intimacy vs use (4/1/2005 7:46:26 AM)
my first D/s relationship altogether changed when the roles between us grew and evolved. in the beginning, i was his submissive... but as time went on, i became his wife and the mother of his child. through all of that, the dynamic between us totally changed as well. it is something we communicated openly about because it was important and it was affecting both of us. he said that the social instructs that he had learned throughout his life, had begun creeping in as our relationship changed. while he had no problem with doing certains things when i was his submissive, when i became his wife and the mother of his child he began to question his own self, his own needs and wants. it wasn't that he was weak, more that he had to sort through those issues in his own mind. ~sinn

EmeraldSlave2 -> RE: intimacy vs use (4/1/2005 8:00:15 AM)
I'm not trying to distract or make this topic seem less serious, but anyone else here a Sex and the City fan? Charlotte and her first husband Trey had huge problems in the sexual arena because he could not reconcile his conceptions of wife/mother and lover. Might be a similar thing here.

Archer -> RE: intimacy vs use (4/1/2005 8:14:16 AM)
Two things to think about. 1. the Madonna Whore complex has been written about for decades it's not a sign of weakness but of dicord within the person's mind. 2. The best analogy for this that I've used to help myself and others overcome the problem is the idea that dicilining your child is hard but you do it anyway because you love them, failing to do so in the end results in a child not ready for the real world when that time comes and is a form of abuse. If you shift the dynamic a bit you find the same thing in our relationships. The failure to give the person what they need (double read that word and don't confuse it with what they want) is a form of abuse.

Alexander -> RE: intimacy vs use (4/1/2005 8:48:52 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: EmeraldSlave2 I'm not trying to distract or make this topic seem less serious, but anyone else here a Sex and the City fan? Charlotte and her first husband Trey had huge problems in the sexual arena because he could not reconcile his conceptions of wife/mother and lover. Might be a similar thing here. I forget which ganster movie it is but the line goes something like 'you get a mistress because you don't want the mother of your children kissing them with that mouth' And I do think it's weakness. Weakness is always there in everyone, its not the end judgement. I just think that not being able to love your slut and command her is succumbing to weakness. You don't have to love her. You dont have to get rid of her if you do. I'm saying if it happens and you cant maintain thats a failure in my eyes. failure isnt a persistant state. you make your mistakes realise them and move forward correcting them. Alex.

MadameDahlia -> RE: intimacy vs use (4/1/2005 11:09:22 AM)
I think it may just be a matter of him not being able to "hurt" the ones he loves. Society has drummed it into us that we are not supposed to hurt those we care about. I'm all for hurting the ones I love (in a D/s fashion)... but some just can't. It isn't weak. It's probably closer to bring brain-washed by society while possessing the genetic compulsion to nurture and/or save. I believe that some people have altruistic genetics. These genes can help prompt the "heroes" in life to push the little old lady out of the way of the speeding bus or dive into the freezing water to save a kitten. Various animals (though more commonly seen in certain types of primates) possess altruistic genetics. Some might define altruism as a behavior that decreases the reproductive success of one organism to the benefit of another. (Possibly sacrificing one's life to save another). "Certain birds have been observed to throw themselves in front of the predator as to protect their young or even to sacrifice themselves for the entire flock. Even in colonies of Belding ground squirrels, certain organisms sacrificed their lives just to warn the rest that danger is nearing. Naked mole rats do not reproduce but instead devote their lives to caring for offsprings of the queen. Similar behaviors have been observed in ants and honeybees. Worker honeybees give up reproduction to care for the offsprings of the queen and ants often sacrifice their lives to protect the nest." - http://serendip.brynmawr.edu/bb/berman/P4S1.htm

MadameDahlia -> RE: intimacy vs use (4/1/2005 11:11:34 AM)
Example of human altruism: "An interesting example to consider is the Federal Aviation Administration (FAA)- approved script that is recited by stewardesses in just about every airline. The stewardess warns everyone that in an event of an emergency a person should PUT ON HIS OWN mask before attempting to help others. One observation, which can be drawn here, is that there is something almost instinctive about human nature so that the person is likely to help someone next to them with the oxygen mask before putting it on himself. In fact, it is so immediate in some people that the FAA felt compelled to warn passengers against it!" - http://serendip.brynmawr.edu/bb/berman/P4S2.htm

FangsNfeet -> RE: intimacy vs use (4/1/2005 12:31:21 PM)
I myself don't understand it when a Dom stops playing when he/she develops feelings for the other. As for me, when it becomes more than just passion, that's when I put more whip into my lashion. My pet is very dear to me and because of my feelings for her, I'm more strict and disciplinary to keep her my perfect pet. Think of it as raiseing a kid. If you see a kid in the mall running, screaming, and knocking things down, you might not do a whole lot. But if it's your kid you see doing all that, well what would you do? So come on, dosen't a master love a slave enough to give a good flogging when it's needed. The more you Love or Care the more one should be able to spank.

MstrBK -> RE: intimacy vs use (4/1/2005 11:54:07 PM)
I have had several slaves(not at one time), and was IN Love with Only One. Physical contact remained in Tact. I prefer having one slave during servitude.

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