Vanilla Spouses

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candystripper -> Vanilla Spouses (3/14/2007 8:15:12 AM)
Question One: why would any spouse agree to T/their beloved going outside the marriage rather than at least attempting to fulfill T/their needs?? Can it be that vanillas find kinksters so replusive? Question Two: Why do kinksters marry vanillas? Question Three: Do Y/you tend to believe A/anyone's claim that T/their spouse has given knowing and voluntary consent to the relationship T/they seek with Y/you? candystripper

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Vanilla Spouses (3/14/2007 8:35:05 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: candystripper Question One: why would any spouse agree to T/their beloved going outside the marriage rather than at least attempting to fulfill T/their needs?? Can it be that vanillas find kinksters so replusive? One does not equate to the other Candy. Allowing someone you love to find another interest with someone hardly means that they find the kink repulsive. quote: Question Two: Why do kinksters marry vanillas? Usually either because they don't feel secure enough to stay single or be in the scene, are too afraid to get into the scene, or haven't learned that "not vanilla" is an option for them yet. quote: Question Three: Do Y/you tend to believe A/anyone's claim that T/their spouse has given knowing and voluntary consent to the relationship T/they seek with Y/you? 90% of the time, no. I'd insist on having at least one dinner with us all together to make things clear if things were going to be serious.

KatyLied -> RE: Vanilla Spouses (3/14/2007 8:46:33 AM)
quote: Why do kinksters marry vanillas? I know some kinksters involved in vanilla relationships. Their needs are not being met. Why are they there? I guess because other than their dislike of kink, their partner is compatible in every other way. The kinksters would rather do without than have their kink forced or another or having their partner "fake it" for their pleasure. Or they look outside the relationship for a relationship limited to compatible kinks, with the understanding that nothing more will evolve.

hisannabelle -> RE: Vanilla Spouses (3/14/2007 8:47:19 AM)
Question One: why would any spouse agree to T/their beloved going outside the marriage rather than at least attempting to fulfill T/their needs?? Can it be that vanillas find kinksters so replusive? as la said, finding a kink repulsive and finding the person having it repulsive - two very different things. many people are more comfortable opening up the relationship than doing something that they feel is wrong, immoral, or they just plain don't want to do. that's their right - and by opening up the relationship, they ARE making an attempt to fill their partner's needs, in a very unselfish way. people have the RIGHT to be vanilla, and not be slammed for not wanting to be kinky. Question Two: Why do kinksters marry vanillas? many different reasons. maybe the sexual differences, or authority/power dynamic differences weren't enough to overcome the connection they felt. maybe they married the person before they realized they were kinky. maybe they're poly and are comfy marrying a vanilla but getting their kinky kicks somewhere else. all kinds of things. Question Three: Do Y/you tend to believe A/anyone's claim that T/their spouse has given knowing and voluntary consent to the relationship T/they seek with Y/you? i don't seek out relationships with married people in the first place, nor do i usually respond to any kind of meeting request from a married person. however, if i did, i would still want to meet and talk to the spouse.

LotusSong -> RE: Vanilla Spouses (3/14/2007 9:34:44 AM)
I discovered an interest in D/s before my husband did. I asked him to explore it with me. We tried for for awhile but it just wasn't in his nature. He did notice my energy level improved after I sessioned. So, when the opportunity came about where there was a decent slave available that wanted my collar.. I ask my husband's permission., He said "better him than me!" and I had him help set the limits that would make him comfortable. My husband loves me very much as I do him. Just because one person likes something the other doesn't.,. doesn't mean the other has to constantly stand down. If I don't care for bowling.. and my husband does.. do I forbid him something that he would enjoy? Nope, I may limit the amount of nights he goes bowling and how long he stays out.. but that's the negotiation I talk about in marriage. If your concept of marriage is that you have to wear blinders the rest of your lives.. no wonder so many fail. I also didn't go hog-wild and collar any and all subs I could get my hands on..nor do I not defer to my husband in matters like this. He realized I had another nature :)

FelinePersuasion -> RE: Vanilla Spouses (3/14/2007 1:47:51 PM)
No. I do not. It's a deal breaker that any one I am speaking to if they claim to be in an open marriage that I meet their spouse and verify their not cheating. Now I know, you could easily grab any old lady or man an then pretend they're your spouse, not the actual spouse. However it's my policy to talk to the SO. quote: ORIGINAL: candystripper Question Three: Do Y/you tend to believe A/anyone's claim that T/their spouse has given knowing and voluntary consent to the relationship T/they seek with Y/you? candystripper

sub4hire -> RE: Vanilla Spouses (3/14/2007 2:03:23 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: candystripper Question One: why would any spouse agree to T/their beloved going outside the marriage rather than at least attempting to fulfill T/their needs?? Can it be that vanillas find kinksters so replusive? Question Two: Why do kinksters marry vanillas? Question Three: Do Y/you tend to believe A/anyone's claim that T/their spouse has given knowing and voluntary consent to the relationship T/they seek with Y/you? candystripper 1. I know of such people. They actually are somewhat honest with their spouses as well. After each night out they come home and tell their spouse of the alledged play session. Just leave out the sexual details. Their spouses are ok as long as full on sex is not approached. Why, because they are not into the kink aspect and want their spouse to be happy. Of course, most have sex and just don't disclose it to the spouse...so it would more than likely be a marriage breaker if the truth is ever found out about. 2. I'm not sure a large amount of people marry vanilla if they have an interest in the lifestyle. I think many are already married and starting to stray when they realize the lifestyle might be more exciting for them. Next thing you know they aren't communicating their desires to their mate and are stuck in a vanilla marriage. Remember even you learned of the lifesytle late in life. What would you have done if you had been married to someone for 30 year's prior? 3. You check it out. If indeed they really do they will allow you to meet their spouse. As I stated in question one. I do know of such relationships. They do exist.

DomKen -> RE: Vanilla Spouses (3/14/2007 10:26:57 PM)
I've been on both 'sides' of this. I was involved with a strictly vanilla woman for almost 3 years. Why? Because I loved her. Why did it end? Because I couldn't deny the dominant part of myself and she couldn't be submissive and was unwilling for the relationship to be open. I've had a long term friendship with a married couple. She is kinky and sub while he is vanilla. Periodically we'll go somewhere and she and I will engage in some public play, a little exhibitionism maybe a little torn clothing, while he watches then go back to their place where I'll spank her or otherwise punish her. The rules are quite well laid out. No kissing on the mouth, no marks where she can't hide them, no photos, no penetrative acts. It's not entirely satisfying for me but it is fun and I like them. As near as I can tell it is just enough to let her remain happily married and he apparently gets off on some of the voyeuristic aspects. 1) Why does her husband allow me to play with her? From what I've been told he tried and he didn't enjoy it. For my former gf I believe she simply couldn't get past what 'society' had taught her was the right way. She got drunk on occasion an seemed to quite enjoy mild kink play at those times. Sober however it was simply something she wouldn't even consider doing. We discussed me finding a sub to fulfill those needs of mine but she felt it would be cheating and couldn't get past it. I don't think she found me repulsive. 2) Because they love each other or at least think they do. 3) When someone tells me something like that I want to hear it from the horse's mouth. It is hard to believe everyone who claims this is telling the truth.

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