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RE: Settling or compromising? - 3/16/2007 4:45:21 PM   
goodpet


Posts: 458
Joined: 6/8/2005
Status: offline 		There is some truth to the listen to your gut.. But which side?

I think that holds more truth for when the gut says it feels wrong.. yes error on the side of caution, listen to red flags and gut feelings to pull back..

Less so for when your gut is getting all excited and hopeful and wanting it to be right.. i trust that less..

For me, at the advice of someone else.. i wrote out a "List of Ten"  the ten character traits i was seeking in a partner, since i hope the person i found to serve would also be a long term partner. Later i realized these were more the character traits i sought to live by and therefore sought them in a partner to be either equal or above me, with a desire to be above and to always hold me to a higher standard.

It took years; i was single, uncollard for 6 years. I found education, training, service and experiences to help me grow and become a better person, and better submissive and servant, so my partner would never have to feel like they were compromising..

all 10 on my list were met...


(in reply to domiguy)
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RE: Settling or compromising? - 3/16/2007 4:45:38 PM   
meatcleaver


Posts: 9030
Joined: 3/13/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: amiciaN

Where does one draw the line between compromising on a set of standards that might not ever be met and settling?  And how does one tell the difference?
  


My soul is my own. Unfortunately most women in the 'lifestyle' seem to want a man's soul in exchange for a relationship on their terms (and then they claim to be submissive lol). The moment a woman gives me the impression she thinks she's giving me something special and she wants my soul in return, I'm off.

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RE: Settling or compromising? - 3/16/2007 4:56:49 PM   
GeekyGirl


Posts: 905
Joined: 8/21/2006
Status: offline 		I'm definately a person who lets chemistry over ride my standards. I get attracted to someone and overlook all the criteria on my list that I feel is important because I get caught up in the moment.

After experiencing a few heartbreaks, I've decided that this time I will firmly stick to the list and NOT settle. I might compromise on a few things (I guess I'll forgive you if you voted for Bush the FIRST term...) but I will no longer settle. I deserve to find someone who is everything I want.

I've simply come to a point where I have been in WAY too many relationships that didn't work out. I'm too young to have been hurt this often, and I've decided that this time, by gosh, I'd rather be alone than with someone who doesn't meet all my criteria.

That said, I may feel different when 40 hits and I'm still alone :(


_____________________________

"It's nothing that I understand, but when in your arms you have complete power over me. So be gentle if you please, 'cause your hands are in my hair, but my heart is in your teeth and it makes me want to make you near me always."

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RE: Settling or compromising? - 3/16/2007 5:42:18 PM   
goodlittlegirl28


Posts: 2108
Joined: 1/8/2007
Status: offline 		"You are everything I never knew I always wanted." Matthew Perry in Fools Rush In
i have one or two absolutes i won't part with, but i think if you stick to a list you just might limit yourself from something really wonderful. i'm in the go with your instincts boat.

_____________________________

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face... You must do the thing you think you cannot do.
-Eleanor Roosevelt

Love people, not things. Use things, not people.

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RE: Settling or compromising? - 3/16/2007 9:37:54 PM   
amiciaN


Posts: 228
Joined: 1/20/2007
Status: offline 		    I want to thank everyone who posted their thoughts.  I posted this when I realized I was giving advice that I really couldn't define.  Your views have been very valuable in helping me clarify things and hopefully to others too. 

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NChaka's amicia

I have never been lifted so high as when I kneel at His feet.

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RE: Settling or compromising? - 3/16/2007 10:43:37 PM   
dawntreader


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Joined: 11/23/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: domiguy

I believe strongly in listening to my "gut."...The problem is sometimes the Domidong is yelling so loud that it can be difficult to hear or understand...

My gut is rarely wrong. I believe that I can determine in just a few minutes whether there is even a hope for compatibility....Though your gut may not be able to tell you everything about that person....But your inner voice is a strong tool that to ignore is to lack confidence in ones self and judgement.


LMAO!!!! Who needs books? They have facts!...
ah... Stephen Cobert, my ideal of political studliness :-)

_____________________________

It is choice - not chance - that determines our destiny~
Jean Nidetch

There is a war going on for your mind...if you are thinking, you are winning~
Flobots

(in reply to domiguy)
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RE: Settling or compromising? - 3/16/2007 10:44:35 PM   
EmeraldSlave2


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quote:

ORIGINAL: GeekyGirl
That said, I may feel different when 40 hits and I'm still alone :(

I can't find a way to soothe this saddening thought you have without making you feel like I'm condescending you or putting you down for your age.

But at least you know my intentions are good.

(in reply to GeekyGirl)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Settling or compromising? - 3/16/2007 10:47:06 PM   
dawntreader


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Joined: 11/23/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: GeekyGirl


That said, I may feel different when 40 hits and I'm still alone :(



40 was the best birthday of my life and yes, i was without a partner...but for me - everything seemed possible and still does :-)

_____________________________

It is choice - not chance - that determines our destiny~
Jean Nidetch

There is a war going on for your mind...if you are thinking, you are winning~
Flobots

(in reply to GeekyGirl)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Settling or compromising? - 3/16/2007 11:39:19 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

Where does one draw the line between compromising on a set of standards that might not ever be met and settling?  And how does one tell the difference?


We all compromise a little to make a relationship work. No one is perfect. People are moody, or they like to raise their voice, or they are slobs, or they waste money a lot... everyone has flaws, or personality quirks that can be perceived as flaws. Where do I draw the line? I do not compromise my values or the core of who I am for a relationship, I will not compromise my own sense of peace and fulfillment. I will not compromise feeling that I am hooked up with the right person. In other words, one can overlook a lot of things if they really like each other, and love each other, and feel good in each other's company. That is where I draw the line.

quote:

In my own case, I had list of qualities that I was searching for in a Dominant and  I am fortunate enough to have found NChaka, who is all of them and more.  When I met Him however, I was seeing someone else and was very close to settling, though I saw it compromising because I was dealing with a person rather than an ideal.  I had even been offered the other's collar, though I did not accept because my head and heart were full doubts. 

Someone can be everything on your list but still not click... I was looking to click with someone sexually, intellectually, and emotionally... the list would have went out the window if those other things were present.. but he matched my list perfectly.... like he was made to order... seriously! I feel like there was some cosmic catalogue I ordered him out of



_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

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Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to amiciaN)
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RE: Settling or compromising? - 3/17/2007 3:42:58 AM   
NChaka


Posts: 3
Joined: 1/14/2007
Status: offline 		Are you hinting that amicia should leave me and find someone who is nearer ? Maybe you are right after all

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RE: Settling or compromising? - 3/17/2007 4:30:24 AM   
eyesopened


Posts: 2798
Joined: 6/12/2006
From: Tampa, FL
Status: offline
quote:

So my question is twofold: Where does one draw the line between compromising on a set of standards that might not ever be met and settling? And how does one tell the difference?


During my journey i never gave up on finding exactly what i wanted.  i have entered into relationships that i knew were less than what i wanted BUT that gave me the opportunity to learn and grow as a person and as a submissive.  The difference between compromise and settling is that during a compromise the actual goal is never dismissed as unobtainable.  For example, had i waited to experience various BDSM activities until i found my One, i would not know what i like and don't like or how i would react to this or that.  i considered my previous relationships kind of like going to school before entering a career, if that makes any sense.  Now that i've had the opportunity to learn and to grow, i am better able to make good choices, and be a good submissive. 

i also encourage people not to "settle" but also to not give up the opportunity to experiment, learn, and enjoy until the ideal can be found.  It might even turn out that one's "ideal" will shift once a person has had some real-life experiences.




_____________________________

Proudly owned by InkedMaster. He is the one i obey, serve, honor and love.

No one is honored for what they've received. Honor is the reward for what has been given.

(in reply to amiciaN)
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RE: Settling or compromising? - 3/17/2007 5:12:32 AM   
Quivver


Posts: 1953
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: goodpet

I think that holds more truth for when the gut says it feels wrong.. yes error on the side of caution, listen to red flags and gut feelings to pull back..

Less so for when your gut is getting all excited and hopeful and wanting it to be right.. i trust that less..



Great addition !  


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The problem with communication ... is the illusion that it has been accomplished. ~George Bernard Shaw

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RE: Settling or compromising? - 3/17/2007 5:28:13 AM   
SexyRed


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Joined: 8/19/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: GeekyGirl

That said, I may feel different when 40 hits and I'm still alone :(



I can assure you, as you get older and wiser you will be able to tolerate LESS, not MORE than you do at your age. One thing it took me years to come to terms with, was that I was sticking with bad situations because the chemistry was so strong, while the foundation of the relationships were not. As much fun as intense chemistry is, as you get older it is the aftermath, the bond between two people that seems more important now.

And that results in far less intensity, maybe less fun, and often long stretches between meeting someone. But at this point, I would rather be alone than with the wrong person for me. I just see things more clearly now.

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(in reply to GeekyGirl)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Settling or compromising? - 3/17/2007 5:55:44 AM   
LaMistressa


Posts: 460
Joined: 12/4/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: GeekyGirl

I've simply come to a point where I have been in WAY too many relationships that didn't work out. I'm too young to have been hurt this often, and I've decided that this time, by gosh, I'd rather be alone than with someone who doesn't meet all my criteria.

That said, I may feel different when 40 hits and I'm still alone :(



I just want to assure you that even when you turn 40, (or well beyond, which is the territory I'm entering), it's still better to be alone than with the wrong person. And it's completely okay to be alone, and can be quite satisfying in its own mysterious ways.

Besides, in the words of Grandma Death from Donnie Darko "Everyone dies alone."

As for the whole settle or compromise thing, I try to make my decisions based on a rubric between the concerns of the head and the heart, vs. a checklist. And sometimes it actually works!

(in reply to GeekyGirl)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Settling or compromising? - 3/17/2007 9:08:48 AM   
SirDominic


Posts: 711
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline 		Geeky, stick to your plan, and you will probably not need to worry about being alone at 40. Just remember to make your requirements realistic. Don't go to the opposite extreme and make your ideal so strict that no-one could ever meet it.

And if you do reach 40, yeah you might be less tolerant, or not. It's different for everyone. One thing you will hopefully be is a whole lot wiser about who you are as well as how the world works. That will help you.

As an example, I know someone who took 46 years to finally find what they had wanted all their life. That's a long time to wait, but she is in heaven now.

Namaste, Sir Dominic

_____________________________

You teach best what you have lived.

(in reply to GeekyGirl)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Settling or compromising? - 3/17/2007 9:26:29 AM   
subsa


Posts: 196
Joined: 8/3/2006
Status: offline 		here's another perspective that is often overlooked here on cm.  i didn't have the luxury of making a list of the desired traits in my Dom.  we came to this lifestyle as an already intact vanilla couple.  now i did look at who He was as a person when we met and fell in love.  but at that time i had no inkling that i wanted a D/s relationship.  the basic compatability part of our relationship is strong so we've been able to each grow into what the other had in mind as far as the D/s part goes.  but there are some things that are just inate parts of our personalities that don't fit the others 'ideal' in a D/s sense.  so to borrow from LA; we've compromised but not settled. 
i think if more people spent time to find someone who is compatible in just a basic personality sense that they too could compromise in the D/s aspect.  but from what i read of profiles the emphasis seems to be on the D/s aspects. 

(in reply to SirDominic)
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RE: Settling or compromising? - 3/17/2007 9:59:00 AM   
SirDominic


Posts: 711
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline 		Quiver, domiguy,

Let me clarify. Using your gut instincts is certainly a PART of making good decisions. Using JUST your gut is what I believe will get one in trouble. Listening to just your gut is like playing Russian roulette, far as I am concerned.

Quiver: "I need to ask you what it is then you do to "build up a sense if this person fits the general requirements of what you are looking for." do you not call that gut?"

No, I call that observation. When I meet someone, I use a set of questions that sound like just chatting, but actually are giving me information about the person by how they respond to them. The process is not left to chance, or an ephemeral gut feeling.

Just what is a gut feeling based on, anyway? I'm not being flippant, I'm really curious to know.

Namaste, Sir Dominic

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You teach best what you have lived.

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Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Settling or compromising? - 3/17/2007 10:30:52 AM   
goodlittlegirl28


Posts: 2108
Joined: 1/8/2007
Status: offline 		i can't speak for anyone else, but i think gut instinct does have method, just not as rigid. you still find certain qualities more attractive, but by no means is it an interview process (though one could claim that it's all an interview process). you're still going to get from point a to b, but it might not be a direct route. sometimes those distractions can be more informative than focusing on the "straight and narrow". if your character judging track record is pretty accurate, going with the flow is no more a gamble than having a checklist.

_____________________________

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face... You must do the thing you think you cannot do.
-Eleanor Roosevelt

Love people, not things. Use things, not people.

(in reply to SirDominic)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Settling or compromising? - 3/17/2007 11:26:49 AM   
szobras


Posts: 435
Joined: 9/18/2006
Status: offline 		    For me, I find that life is full with compromise. That being a negotiation to achieve the intended goal.
With that, the mindset of settling, for me is based on something that I would rather have or do, other than that which I choose to have or do, to realize the goal. Settling is for me is then the acceptance of substitution. There really are very few things for me that I believe non negotiable.They are the foundations I build from.

(in reply to amiciaN)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Settling or compromising? - 3/19/2007 7:03:18 PM   
Suleiman


Posts: 1127
Joined: 9/9/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: amiciaN

   In the past few days, I have seen several posters, including myself, give the advice not to settle when searching for a partner.  I firmly believe in this, not only for relationships that include wiitwd, but for any relationship.  However, it is also true that many people have an 'ideal mate' in mind that is not always realistic.  So my question is twofold: Where does one draw the line between compromising on a set of standards that might not ever be met and settling?  And how does one tell the difference?


The answer to both questions are the same: Self-awareness. Decide on your priorities. Constantly focus on what it is that you are looking for, and be ever-vigilant against the inevitability that you ma simply be lying to yourself. Very often, people decide that they want something not because they require it, but because it is something they feel is required of them. Monogamy, for example - or polygamy, for that matter. Some people are sincerely convinced that they can not have a D/s relationship within the confines of a monogamous relationship, while others will accept nothing less. In point of fact, more often than not, this assumption has not been closely examined. They have a preconcieved notion of what a relationship is, without really considering what sort of relationship they want, or what is important to them.

I am incredibly picky about whom I share my bed with. Hell, I'm picky about who my friends are. I'm arrogant, opinionated, and anti-social. I can also say that the people I call friend are people I can and do trust with my life. The woman I married is EXACTLY the person I wanted and had been looking for since I was a teenager. It took me about ten years, give or take, to find her after I began to seriously think about what i wanted. I have found, much to my chagrine, that there were a few things that were not on my list because i took for granted that m partner would enjo all the same things I did. I remembered sci-fi and comic books, but completely overlooked S&M. Should I have been a little choosier? No. Why? I focused on a committed relationship, without insisting on a monogamous one. I dig commitment. Monogamy is a fine ideal, but ultimately unenforceable. These days, I'm glad that I never insisted on monogamy as one of the traits I was searching for. It leaves me free to find someone else, without disrupting what I've got. It may take me years, but that;s okay. I know exactly what i want, and I know I'll find them eventually.

_____________________________

Think of my verbosity as a sort of litmus test for our relationship. I write in a manner identical to how I speak and how I think. If you can not cope with what I have written here, it is probably for the best if we go our separate ways.

(in reply to amiciaN)
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