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RE: When things go bad without explaination - 3/17/2007 7:00:30 AM

tempest1961

Posts: 42
Joined: 3/11/2007
Status: offline

Sadly, this happens all the time, for any number of reasons. As I have seen on other (vanilla) dating sites there are way too many "persons of interest of the appropriate sex" (poiotas?) who will just flake out for one reason or another. After several discussions with others, I have my own list of whys...

In no particular order...

The got scared
They are married
They found somebody else
They were just playing around
They were overly flirting
Their ex came back
Their ex took them back
They lost interest
They figured out you were not what the wanted
They figured out they should not have lied on their profile, etc, and do not want the humiliation that will happen when you finally meet them.

None-the-less, it IS rude of them to not at least explain why in a parting email. I no longer care nor worry about them. As long as I continue to get second and third dates then I have a reasonable feeling that it is not me. As long as, while I am looking, I get continued hits and emails on those sites, then I am not worried it is me.

People are flakes, we all have to get used to it.

_____________________________

Top Dogs ROCK! (Until the she-Wolf comes a-calling)

(in reply to WhiplashSmile)

Post #: 21

RE: When things go bad without explaination - 3/17/2007 7:04:43 AM

dawntreader

Posts: 3045
Joined: 11/23/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: WhiplashSmile

No, she was really a she. Talked with her on the phone even. She told me she was not married and was single not seeing anybody. She asked me if I was single as well. This morning I wrote a rather heart felt message to her, went to send it off and discovered I was on block. She was the first one on here I've met, that I was actually entertaining the thoughts of making a road trip to go see.

i have had one person disapear, not from here, but it hurt just the same as we had plans to meet the following day and it had taken me 2 weeks to take care of things on my end to be available...
i feel you are well liked on these boards and i believe your next experience will have a more positive outcome - if YOU believe that, it will happen :-)

_____________________________

It is choice - not chance - that determines our destiny~
Jean Nidetch

There is a war going on for your mind...if you are thinking, you are winning~
Flobots

(in reply to WhiplashSmile)

Post #: 22

RE: When things go bad without explaination - 3/17/2007 7:16:03 AM

MissSCD

Posts: 1185
Joined: 3/10/2007
Status: offline

Yes, we have all been played at one point in our lives or another and especially in the life.
It is usually due to a couple of reasons. One, they are not sure of themselves. They get scared. Two, they are married, and come to some realization that what they are doing is wrong.
I had someone tell me they were my best friend. They called me on the telephone. They talked with my slave. Then stabbed us in the back by turning sub and going with an online male dom.
She doesn't know who she is, and I am afraid she will have a complete break down, but that is the way she will have to learn. I am out of her life.
This went on for a year or two.

Regards,

MissSCD

(in reply to tempest1961)

Post #: 23

RE: When things go bad without explaination - 3/17/2007 7:19:26 AM

domiguy

Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline

Yep. It's kinda sad but back when I was Nigerian sub "deflouredchocolatecake69" I would build up relationships with many an uberDom before taking their funds and then crashing all of their hopes and dreams on the rocky cliffs of love by blocking them.....So sad.

_____________________________

(in reply to dawntreader)

Post #: 24

RE: When things go bad without explaination - 3/17/2007 7:54:42 AM

WhiplashSmile

Posts: 1472
Joined: 6/8/2004
Status: offline

quote:

The got scared
They are married
They found somebody else
They were just playing around
They were overly flirting
Their ex came back
Their ex took them back
They lost interest
They figured out you were not what the wanted
They figured out they should not have lied on their profile, etc, and do not want the humiliation that will happen when you finally meet them.

None-the-less, it IS rude of them to not at least explain why in a parting email.

I would have accepted any or all of the above, and more. With a parting email of some form. If she was trying to spare my feelings by not coming clean with me, it actually had the complete opposite effect.

Yes, rude is a good word for it, and that's why I'm having a bit of a fit about it. A Dear DOM letter, I could have dealt with, instead of this guessing mind fuck game. I tried to get ahold of her for the simple explaination, so I could understand what was going on.

I have never experienced this before with a block. To me when somebody uses Block it's because they are pissed off at you. That's the only time that I myself use Block, outside of blocking them Nigerian subs.

< Message edited by WhiplashSmile -- 3/17/2007 8:06:01 AM >

(in reply to tempest1961)

Post #: 25

RE: When things go bad without explaination - 3/17/2007 8:05:03 AM

firemuse

Posts: 19
Joined: 2/19/2007
Status: offline

quote:

Left Questioning if you somehow hurt, offended, frighten or upset them?
Left Questioning why with no explaination or even a clue?
Left Questioning what really happened?

This sucks, I had something similar happen. In my case, the only conclusion(s) I can draw is that he was a bit of an 'online player'. I hear ya though; for a while, I didn't know if I was being punished, he was really busy, or what. He didn't block me but just went MIA right at the point we'd decided to meet real-time - and suffice to say the online/phone r'ship had been intense and extensive, and I was really into him. From the amount of time he was devoting to me, I don't think there was anyone else prior to him disappearing but that's the most logical conclusion I could come up with - someone else appeared. It really sucked cuz we clicked on so many levels and were compatable. Hang in there Whiplash...it really sucks when you're into them but in no time you'll be looking back rolling your eyes and realizing it was her loss, not yours. :)

quote:

From the other side of the coin..
have you ever simply blocked somebody you had been getting to know
without giving them an explaination or clue, if so why?

I have not blocked without some sort of warning first BUT I am admittedly WAY too forgiving/nice and there were times I should've. I think someone else hit the nail on the head - probably nothing you did, but something someone before you did. Whiplash - man, it's ridiculous how many men will not just tactfully accept "not interested, thank you". I've been verbally assaulted, harassed, STALKED, begged, lied to, etc etc. Gets to the point where you don't want to even have the conversation. My guess is she decided on someone else (this is assuming she was truthful with you) and it was easier to block you and run from her situation than tell you.

But - I have to agree that that sort of lack of communication is highly suspect for other forms of deception. People lie and even more important, many people lie WELL. I've seen it happen - in fact it's happening to a good friend of mine right now - she's (online) seeing a married man who says he's separated from his wife for 2 years...let's just say everyone else can see his lies, but she's POSITIVE he hasn't lied to her...she trusts him...and, she thinks we're all wrong. Hrmph.

She could be married, she could be a wannabe, she may have lied on her profile about any number of things. Whiplash, if you hear anything of my (long) post - understand this is NOT about you, it's about her. We always want a "why". I know I did. I almost felt I NEEDED it when I was hurting - like I said, I was really into this guy. I had to let myself accept that the why wasn't as important as I thought. People get dumped/diss'ed by lesser quality people all the time and it sucks and it isn't fair but on a planet with 6.7 billion people this stuff is bound to happen. Hard to believe when you're really into someone you can't have but there ARE others who will make you feel just as good...better even, cuz it'll be for real. What I took from my experience is to remember that online is online, DO NOT get too wrapped up in it...online, people are frequently talking to others and even though things seem to be going well, it can change. It can go either way, too - today, you've lost one you were really into, but next week you may have a few you're really interested in and you may be having to make decisions that could hurt others.

It was less than 2 months ago that my guy abandoned me...and I was hurting, cuz the connection was strong - on both ends...to boot, I'm new in the lifestyle and this was the person I'd first discovered my submissiveness with, with whom many of my "firsts" had come...and the intent was always real-time, he was just waiting til he felt I was ready. I'm glad that it happened before we met real-time though, cuz as a vanilla I didn't sleep around and I don't sub around either, and I'd have felt really shitty if we'd played and THEN he'd decided to go for someone else. You can probably take that to heart too, as the longer it'd gone on, the harder it would've been to see it end.

fire

Alienum est omne quicquid optando evenit

< Message edited by firemuse -- 3/17/2007 8:19:58 AM >

(in reply to WhiplashSmile)

Post #: 26

RE: When things go bad without explaination - 3/17/2007 8:09:31 AM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

quote:

Left Questioning if you somehow hurt, offended, frighten or upset them?
Left Questioning why with no explaination or even a clue?
Left Questioning what really happened?

The first guy I talked with over the internet did this trick. We were talking every day for about a month. He sent me flowers with a 100 dollar bill when I received my AA. We never met, and soon after that he stated he was going to China for a month... I never heard from him again until about a year later. I accidently mass emailed him a virus alert because he was in my adddress book, and he emailed me back. I never answered that email.

I was curious as to what happened to him, but I assumed he was married or something. I did not spend too much time worrying about it, even though I liked him a lot at the time we were talking, based upon what I knew of him. It was my only experience with a "poofer", and I did not know there was anything else to expect being a computer noob and an internet noob

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to WhiplashSmile)

Post #: 27

RE: When things go bad without explaination - 3/17/2007 8:10:31 AM

szobras

Posts: 435
Joined: 9/18/2006
Status: offline

Yes, unfortunately this has happened. Once even quite awhile after meeting.
I have not blocked anyone without a statement of why I no longer desire to communicate,
with the exception of ones that want me to send money to Africa.

(in reply to WhiplashSmile)

Post #: 28

RE: When things go bad without explaination - 3/17/2007 8:16:40 AM

TexasMaam

Posts: 1467
Joined: 6/22/2005
Status: offline

WhiplashSmile,

Yes I have blocked someone before, leaving them clueless. My usual assumption in such a case is that the person I was communicating with had gotten to know Me well enough and were confident enough that they wrote, called or visited Me while either being: intoxicated, on crack, or in bi polar phase.

When a SERIOUS alarm bell rings, I don't owe any explanations to anyone other than Myself.

If the sub in question has simply revealed something in a polite way that is a dealbreaker for Me, I always take the time to let them know what and why I am ceasing communication.

When it's a HUGE red flag, I don't owe them a thing.

TexasMaam

< Message edited by TexasMaam -- 3/17/2007 8:17:58 AM >

_____________________________

~ My opinions are not necessarily those of the management... ~

(in reply to WhiplashSmile)

Post #: 29

RE: When things go bad without explaination - 3/17/2007 8:16:57 AM

firemuse

Posts: 19
Joined: 2/19/2007
Status: offline

quote:

I have never experienced this before with a block. To me when somebody uses Block it's because they are pissed off at you.

Whiplash - it's REALLY different for subs. I think (I've never been a Dom/me). :P

I am new but so far my experience has been that there are WAY more HNGs, jerks, wannabes, liars and posers than real, true, honourable, respectable, honest dominants out there. If you want, I can tell some of the CRAP I've been through simply being a sub with a profile on BDSM sites, but I don't know that everyone wants to hear, prob better over email. :P I am not minimizing the crap that a psycho sub could put a Dom through upon rejection, but I know that often dominant men (esp the undesirable ones) do NOT take no well and personally, I have no time or inclination to be someone else's target. So, I'm not saying it isn't still rude or a cop-out...but I can see why a sub might choose to just not take a chance on drama and just take the easy way out.

Myself - I tell someone if I'm not feelin them - but it does NOT always go well and more often than not I'm having to tell them several more times and then finally face cutting insults when they FINALLY accept it and then the block.

Yes - I'm not quick enough on the block button...I know. Too forgiving...too nice...
:(

fire

Alienum est omne quicquid optando evenit

(in reply to WhiplashSmile)

Post #: 30

RE: When things go bad without explaination - 3/17/2007 8:20:09 AM

WhiplashSmile

Posts: 1472
Joined: 6/8/2004
Status: offline

Firemuse, this is the Hammer hitting the nail...
"We always want a "why". I know I did. I almost felt I NEEDED it when I was hurting"

Yes, perhaps it was nothing I did, but perhaps some bad experiences she had before with being verbally assaulted, harassed, STALKED, begged, lied to..

If anything between these two points above!
I feel like I want to Stalk the "Why" out of her.
My attempts to contact her she could have precieved as the start of harassment.
I'm not the Stalker type just wanted to know the damn proverbial "WHY".
Perhaps a bad case of somebody before me, having done this to her.

I really enjoy all the things people have been posting on this, and
sharing with me. It's helping me to at least understand possible reasons
why she did what she did. Mind you, these at least gives me something
to wrap my brain around.

< Message edited by WhiplashSmile -- 3/17/2007 8:33:16 AM >

(in reply to firemuse)

Post #: 31

Sometimes, there is no closure.... - 3/17/2007 8:37:21 AM

tempest1961

Posts: 42
Joined: 3/11/2007
Status: offline

Sometimes, in the night,
hidden, by the pale moon's light,
a packmate leaves, quiet and alone.

We know not why,
they did not howl,
"Goodbye".

But move on, we must.
Left to wonder, is the pack.
Thinking much of what we lack.

(in reply to WhiplashSmile)

Post #: 32

RE: When things go bad without explaination - 3/17/2007 8:58:28 AM

EmeraldSlave2

Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: WhiplashSmile

Was wondering how many have experienced this or not?
Have you ever met somebody online, where you were hitting off really
well with. Great message exchanges, IMs and even talking over the phone.

Then poof one day you find you are put on block, completely
without any explaination. You are left clueless about what happened.

Left Questioning if you somehow hurt, offended, frighten or upset them?
Left Questioning why with no explaination or even a clue?
Left Questioning what really happened?

From the other side of the coin..
have you ever simply blocked somebody you had been getting to know
without giving them an explaination or clue, if so why?

It happens a lot, but has never happened to me online.

It happened offline though- a couple I was with just "changed" one day from being the perfect movie-romance relationship into "you're trying to take the man for yourself/you're a sucky slave/our friends don't like you" and pretty much broke my heart.

Females especially tend to think too much into this and take things too personally. They take on others baggage for themselves. SO when they get blocked or a relationship ends, the first question/feeling they get is "What did *I* do wrong?"

Rather than thinking "What was going on? Was the other person a dork?"

(in reply to WhiplashSmile)

Post #: 33

RE: When things go bad without explaination - 3/17/2007 9:31:37 AM

MistressScarlot

Posts: 51
Joined: 12/7/2006
Status: offline

I only ever invest as much time and energy into a new submissive as there are actions from their end to back up their words and interest. Unfortunately, this disappearing act happens here a /lot/...and you can get burned out easily if you invest too much too soon, ad nauseum... ; )

(in reply to WhiplashSmile)

Post #: 34

RE: When things go bad without explaination - 3/17/2007 9:48:05 AM

fergus

Posts: 1110
Joined: 6/22/2005
Status: offline

I have never been blocked (that I know of) ... but I have had people just sort of disappear for this reason or that.

I must admit I have stopped communicating when things weren't going to work out, or got 'weird', but I have never blocked anyone.

Life sometimes gets complex for a myriad of reasons. Each person, each situation is different and there is just no way of knowing why sometimes.

I did have more than one person stop communicating with me just before meeting, and I suspect it was because things just got too 'real' ... or their second mind took over, or who knows? I figure it is their business and I can't loose sleep over it.

There was ONE nice young lady a while back with whom I was having pleasant phone conversations with and it seemed we really hit it off, and she was not normally what I'd be looking for. Anyway, when we WERE finally arranging to meet, nice public casual atmosphere, she backed .... BUT - and this was unusual - she had the good grace to let me know it, told me that she was nervous about it and just not ready to persue anything. Naturally, I was disappointed, but I understood and was glad for the heads up on it!

fergus

(in reply to MistressScarlot)

Post #: 35

RE: When things go bad without explaination - 3/17/2007 9:50:36 AM

MistressScarlot

Posts: 51
Joined: 12/7/2006
Status: offline

quote:

This happened so sudden and out of the blue. I did not even see it coming. Is she wants to be with somebody else that's something I would have to accept and deal with on my own. It would have been nice to have an explaination of what was going on, then have her hit the block. That way, I would have clearly known without question.

I feel like I was safely crossing a street and a friggen Mac Truck hit me head on. Not a very pleasent emotional experience.

Whiplash,

Honestly, your best course is to assume that this is really an "about her" thing. Extract every drop out of the experience and let it go.

Would you want a submissive who lacked the courage to tell you truth and respect you and your time and energy enough to do so?

Did she truly deserve you and what you have to offer? You can't know, but you can only assess it by her /actions/. Not by her words. Words are cheap and very easy.

The truth is, you may never know what happened. Just breathe and accept it. Understand that on some level that it wasn't right, and likely wouldn't have worked out. Every new beginning is great. You don't know her, and what happens online is... a reality subject to different rules. ::smile:: You know the "her" she wanted you to see because that is what people do. I'm not judging her for it, of course--it's just the truth of what happens.

Don't ignore the cracks that occur during this process that allow you to see the undercurrent. That's how people wind up in relationships that don't work. This is truly a fortuitous opportunity to see what is not easily seen, saving you time and heartache in the long run.

Best,
Scarlot

< Message edited by MistressScarlot -- 3/17/2007 10:02:34 AM >

(in reply to WhiplashSmile)

Post #: 36

RE: When things go bad without explaination - 3/17/2007 9:57:39 AM

MistressScarlot

Posts: 51
Joined: 12/7/2006
Status: offline

quote:

Yes, perhaps it was nothing I did, but perhaps some bad experiences she had before with being verbally assaulted, harassed, STALKED, begged, lied to..

If anything between these two points above!
I feel like I want to Stalk the "Why" out of her.
My attempts to contact her she could have precieved as the start of harassment.
I'm not the Stalker type just wanted to know the damn proverbial "WHY".
Perhaps a bad case of somebody before me, having done this to her.

We are partially a product of the things that happen to us, but /mostly/ a product of our choices.

If she is so bad at making choices that she keeps making the same mistakes over and over again (lied to, stalked, harrassed, etc.) then there are likely deep internal issues at hand that you'd just as likely be better off without trying to fix and heal in her.

Make your own choices wisely. ::smile::
Scarlot

< Message edited by MistressScarlot -- 3/17/2007 9:59:27 AM >

(in reply to WhiplashSmile)

Post #: 37

RE: When things go bad without explaination - 3/17/2007 9:59:38 AM

ELUSIVE1

Posts: 536
Joined: 9/11/2005
Status: offline

I disappear without explanation when I get bad vibes...something said off the cuff that sends up red flags...most recently was a 'friend' that was unemployed joking about me being his 'sugar mama' since I work two jobs, and work hard to maintain my standard of living...something like that doesn't deserve a response from me...or me wasting my time with the 'dear john' letter...sometimes silence is a very effe tive tool

_____________________________

"Words have no power to impress the mind without the exquisite horror of their reality"

*Poe
http://alt.com/blog/ELUSIVE1NC
http://users.adultspace.com/ELUSIVE1NC/

(in reply to windchymes)

Post #: 38

RE: When things go bad without explaination - 3/17/2007 10:13:40 AM

WhiplashSmile

Posts: 1472
Joined: 6/8/2004
Status: offline

Again, I want to thank everybody for the wonder insights.
I'm not used to all these online games yet. This whole
experience has been rather new and different for me.

I know that it was her choice to do what she did, that I
have not nor never will have an issue with. I just did not
understand how one could do this, when the day before
she was expressing wanting me as much as I was wanting
her. Then for this to happen without warning, or clue or
red flags.

I do recall her question me, if I were a Switch and that
she did not care to be with a Switch. I had a girl friend
that was a Domme at one time, and we played together
but it was more like a wrestling match. Not Switch play.
I tried to explain this to her, perhaps she got freaked out
by this some. I don't know. I just know that I'm a Dom
and not a switch.

Perhaps she was spooked out by the thoughts of me talking
about wanting to met her. I took a sincere interest in her
personally, was not all just about BDSM and sex for me.

I'm at a complete loss at what went down or wrong.
The posts from everybody, has soften my heart to perhaps
why she did not leave me a Dear Dom letter. This is what
I was having the most difficulty in understanding.

Yes, to me. When I use block it's because I'm pissed off
at somebody or don't want to deal with BS scam mails.
I was assuming I had done something to offend her...
perhaps I did, I don't know. Do I care about this, yes.

Again, I want to thank everybody, for shedding a little
insight from their own personal experiences, and the
emails I have recieved as well.

(in reply to WhiplashSmile)

Post #: 39

RE: When things go bad without explaination - 3/17/2007 10:17:27 AM

domiguy

Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline

I personally will not apply any type of investment until I meet someone face to Domidong.....Otherwise they could be the same as "chocolatthunder69" or "mochadikaholic69"....and not be really out to meet, or worse simply out to lunch....you meet, if it's cool you meet again...If it's not all good then just fuck'em and send them on their merry little way...No harm no foul.

_____________________________

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)

Post #: 40

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