Dom/me Dangers and Pitfalls

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MistressJude -> Dom/me Dangers and Pitfalls (4/6/2005 5:05:47 PM)
After reading (and posting) to the Fragile Subs thread I realized that I haven't really seen mention here about some of the issues Dom/mes come across that are specific to the lifestyle. Perhaps it was mentioned in another thread? If not, I'd like to post some of these 'dangers' here and see if others have come across them, how they were dealt with, or at the very least have it be something newer Dom/mes can refer to as things to watch out. MMS - Monday Morning Syndrome: After a good night/weekend of play, usually for the first time, a Dom/me or a sub might experience an emotional "uh-oh! What have I done?" It can result in a panic attack and other related irrational outlashing. Being Lured In: This can happen to the best of us. Getting set up to meet someone for play after talking online for a while only to find out they're either 1. Undercover cops (for those states where BDSM is illegal), 2. Not who they say they are, or 3. A predator. "Blood Lust": Just as subs enter sub-space during an intense scene Dom/me's enter their own zone. But sometimes things start to go out of control and a Dom/me might find it hard to stop, which could result in harm to their sub. (I've known some extremely experienced people that this has happened to.) I'll stop here in case there is a similar thread elsewhere, but I wanted to put out some ideas, just in case. I'm curious to read what others have to say.

GentleLady -> RE: Dom/me Dangers and Pitfalls (4/6/2005 11:13:37 PM)
quote: MMS - Monday Morning Syndrome: After a good night/weekend of play, usually for the first time, a Dom/me or a sub might experience an emotional "uh-oh! What have I done?" It can result in a panic attack and other related irrational outlashing. I had this happen a number of times as I am sure almost every other Dominant has. In each case however the submissive was fairly new to things and in some kind of a relationship (not married). The most notable example was one with only one specific fetish. In exchange for earning (note I said earning) that fetish he was willing to submit to other things. We had one play session and he totally enjoyed it and was happy that he was working towards his goal of having the fetish done to him. However, he missed the next phone call appointment and did not show for the next arranged play session. Three weeks later I get a call with a possibly true excuse. He was very eager for another session but explained that he had also been feeling significant guilt. I told him to call the next week and that was missed. He called again a few days later with a very lame excuse but still insisting he was eager. At that point I had made My decision but I also wanted him to understand why. I explained as clearly as I could that I would not be something he could haul down off the shelf whenever his needs became greater then his guilt. He would have to resolve his ambiguous feelings before I would see him again. Fortunately he did understand and, although I never saw him again, I do hope he worked things out. He never did get his reward. Gentle Lady

ShiftedJewel -> RE: Dom/me Dangers and Pitfalls (4/7/2005 4:54:51 AM)
quote: I'd like to post some of these 'dangers' here and see if others have come across them, how they were dealt with, or at the very least have it be something newer Dom/mes can refer to as things to watch out. Although none of what you mentioned has happened to me, and maybe because none of what you have mentioned has happened to me I have to add that there is the fear of any of the above happening. Along with so many other things that could happen, or has happened to others. So I have to wonder if I am overly cautious about who I meet and or scene with? My own personal policy is that I have to have permission to touch a submissive/slave in any sexual manor at all and I will ask for that permission. Then before I will even consider any serious scening at all they have to wear my collar and will have proven themselves in a three month consideration period at the very least. So am I overly cautious? The horror stories that talk about what was supposed to be just a casual play scene that either turned ugly or worse yet, in to criminal charges seem to have me really spooked. I think that fear should also be among the list of pitfalls. Jewel

BeachMystress -> RE: Dom/me Dangers and Pitfalls (4/7/2005 1:38:30 PM)
Your "blood lust" thing scares me. This is an impulse control problem. Anyone this happens to needs to consider if they should be in BDSM at all. They need counseling before touching a sub again and in my mind will never be safe until they learn to deal with whatever issue let them lose control. While a Dominant definitely goes into headspace, they still must be able to take care of the sub and the situation - to be in total control. Consider someone who has had too much to drink. Is it acceptable when they cause personal harm to someone? No. "I'm sorry, I was drunk" isn't an acceptable answer to the ones affected by the drunk person's actions. "I'm sorry, I was flying in Dom/me space" isn't acceptable for losing control and harming a submissive. I'm very aware of the what-the-fuck-have-I-gotten-into syndrome. It is not limited to first time Dominants, but to subs as well. It is part of the adjustment a person makes when they start, maybe due to prior- possibly subconscious- beliefs that bdsm is dirty. Whatever the cause, I've seen in in tons of people. Not all have it, but most do. I've never had the problem of being lured in. I spend too much time talking with someone before meeting. I am very aware of the fact that most matches will not work, and I test them for that prior to making any type of arrangement to meet. Most subs want instant gratification and will not deal with my taking time.

EmeraldSlave2 -> RE: Dom/me Dangers and Pitfalls (4/7/2005 1:49:45 PM)
Hmm but there is a middle ground here. The first public scene I did with a local sub I date got overly intense. We'd planned just a lot of sensation and flogging and fun, but getting into it, he and I both realized he was ripe for a catharsis scene. So I rode that wave of energy and went with it. He got a catharsis, and was grateful for the scene, but we both agreed later that it went too far and that we should slow down for next time, despite what we start feeling at the time. I don't think I was going maniacal on him or out of control, and I don't think he was abused (nor does he think this). We just went a bit overboard instead of checking ourselves. I've also had scenes that went far beyond the original scope of the scene and ended up being fabulous and awesome. I've also had scenes where the other person wanted to go a lot farther but I held back. For me the worst to worry about is psycho ex's and past connections. Being open poly, it's reasonable to assume that some of my partners will partner up with others in the future, and how those connections may or may not mesh is a concern of mine. But we'll deal.

MistressJude -> RE: Dom/me Dangers and Pitfalls (4/7/2005 4:41:45 PM)
Jewel[/color] quote: Although none of what you mentioned has happened to me, and maybe because none of what you have mentioned has happened to me I have to add that there is the fear of any of the above happening. Along with so many other things that could happen, or has happened to others. So I have to wonder if I am overly cautious about who I meet and or scene with? I just mentioned a couple of things off the top of my head that I've known to have happened within the lifestyle but it certainly isn't an all inclusive list. In fact, this thread is open for people to make their suggestions, like you did, about all kinds of things Dom/mes should watch out for. It's certainly good to be over cautious these days since everyone has to deal with predators, fakes, or even disease. I, too, make it a rule not to be sexual with someone until I've had a period of time with them and generally I also require proof of recent medical reports showing they are clean of certain diseases (although even this isn't 100% accurate since most diseases won't show up immediately). BeachMystress - I'd be curious to know about your method of testing prior to meeting. Another pitfall, something I just touched on in my first post, is being trapped by cops. It's happened to one Mistress who was of some notabilty in my area. While she handled it in stride and knew that the charges were bogus as she did not committ any illegal acts, it's still something I know that I worry about, even if it is subconsciously. I never just jump into meeting someone - it takes a good period of time online, then phone conversations before I'll even consider meeting someone. Once I do decide to meet I do it at a public place that is BDSM related and no scening takes place at all. But there's always that worry... I'm not sure how people in MA deal seeing as it's illegal there and I'm sure we've all heard of the "paddleborough" situation. Anyone else have ideas on things Dom/mes should watch out for?

GentleLady -> RE: Dom/me Dangers and Pitfalls (4/8/2005 12:42:35 AM)
I do have one to add to the list MistressJude. Getting rushed into a play session with a casual partner because Your own needs are screaming and have not been met in too long a time. I have to make sure that My need to flog or hurt is fed on a regular basis or I get too hungry to take the precautions I know have to be there when deciding whether or not to play with someone at a club. Actually, when I feel the needs spiraling (as they do during some full moons) I turn to strictly on-line stuff in order to fill the need AND protect the submissive. It is not that I lose control during the play session so much as it is that I will play with anyone if the hunger is too great. This has resulted in the odd bad situation when the submissive felt that the intensity of the play meant that I wanted to continue the relationship. When the hunger is too overpowering I do not take enough time to communicate properly before the scene and make sure that the submissive knows that this is a one time only thing. I also have a real-time submissive who is available on a casual basis that I have known for a few years whom I can turn to without fear when the hunger is insatiable. The one I live with is still too new to pain to be safely able to take all I can dish out. I hope I worded this in a way that could be understood. Gentle Lady

BeachMystress -> RE: Dom/me Dangers and Pitfalls (4/8/2005 6:43:13 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MistressJude BeachMystress - I'd be curious to know about your method of testing prior to meeting. 1. I make them wait to meet me till I say it is time to meet. I give them a few warnings (I understand being a little excited) when they try to convince me now is the time. I tell them that a sub doesn't try to manipulate the Dominant into doing things according to the sub's schedule. The third time they make this mistake, they are history. They are not capable of patience or dealing with what I want. 2. I refuse to discuss their fantasies or what they like sexually. While I'm willing to at first make sure we have compatible interests in the BDSM arena, I'm not willing to be used to feed their fantasy. Discussions center around vanilla topics. 3. The sub tries to get to know a bit about me as a person, or they are history. I am not a fantasy, but a living breathing woman. I expect every aspect of myself to be interesting to a sub, not just my Dominance. 4. I tell them that the first time we play, they are required to give me a toy from my extreme restraints wishlist. They are free to choose which one (price range from $18 to $400.) I make it very clear that this is the only time I require a gift of any type. It cuts down on the subs who really aren't looking for a relationship, but don't want to pay a pro. You'd be surprised how many of them there are out there. One play session and they're set for the next two months. I can't stand being used as a service top. 5. I tell them that until we have a stable relationship, I will only use toys on them that they provide. I have a large collection of toys and am not interested in wearing them out on every tom's hairy dick. The number of subs who expect the Domme to provide all the toys is outrageous. I feel all subs should have their own toybags. Especially insertables! 6. I required a phone number and the permission to call it at any time of the day or night. Since I am a lifestyle Domme and had a goal of an eventual relationship when I found the right sub, I was not willing to deal with any sub who was in any way attached. Anyone who isn't willing to get calls in the middle of the night is probably sleeping with someone he doesn't want to know about you.

BeachMystress -> RE: Dom/me Dangers and Pitfalls (4/8/2005 7:01:44 AM)
A woman I know who was doing Pro Domme scenes out in 29 Palms did a Pro session with a newbie. The newbie wasn't prepared for how intense a scene could be. After he left, he went to the police saying he'd been assaulted. They filed charges against her. This same woman also did a session with someone the first time she met them. She met them on yahoo messenger, and their first meeting was at her home/dungeon on the day of the session. He raped her during it. We are women, and for the most part physically weaker than the men we are Dominating. Take a self defense class. I once had a sub try to force me to switch after he'd had a mixed drink at dinner. I was very very glad I'd shelled out the money for classes at that point. Are you paranoid because you're doing Pro sessions? If you're a Pro, have a look at http://prodomination.com/resourceguide/legal.htm If you're lifestyle, read http://gloria-brame.com/domidea/rumpoule.htm

Mercnbeth -> RE: Dom/me Dangers and Pitfalls (4/8/2005 8:32:33 AM)
quote: for those states where BDSM is illegal curiosity has gotten the best of this slave...which of the 50 considers BDSM "legal"?

MistressJude -> RE: Dom/me Dangers and Pitfalls (4/10/2005 1:36:46 PM)
quote: curiosity has gotten the best of this slave...which of the 50 considers BDSM "legal"? It's not that it's legal, per se, in states - it's more a matter of states like NY and CT (just as an example) tend to turn blind eyes for the most part. Yes, these states, amongst others, have been known to bust chops but in general they allow BDSM to go on without fuss. Even now MA is a big place to go for kink-related events and groups, but they are one of the states that would actively seek out BDSMers.

Vixandra -> RE: Dom/me Dangers and Pitfalls (4/10/2005 2:35:18 PM)
As one just entering this realm, I would like to thank everyone who's posted about some of the dangers. bows

ManOwner -> RE: Dom/me Dangers and Pitfalls (4/14/2005 8:02:17 PM)
BeachMystress: great advice. I also hate it being used as a service top. Regarding the legality, or lack thereof, of BDSM, I don't follow. Consensual play is legal in every state, as far as I know. Owning another person is unconstitutional, of course.

DallasDiva -> RE: Dom/me Dangers and Pitfalls (4/16/2005 7:33:44 PM)
ShiftedJewel, quote: Then before I will even consider any serious scening at all they have to wear my collar and will have proven themselves in a three month consideration period at the very least. I do not think you are being too unreasonable. I am teh same way. I will do a very light scene with someone....kind of like kissing on a second vanilla date...but I will not give them the ultimate fantasy. I even have something like this said on my profile. I have to get to know a sub to see if he is even worth the effort. Now that I am not doing Pro sessions, I rearly get to "play". It is very hard...VERY hard to meet someone I think is a cutie and not ask him back to my chambers. For the most part this has worked for me... now if the sub proves to not be the "one"...by say not returning my phone call, then I do not have to think ....Oh shoot, I got played. Now I think...well at least I got a good meal out of him..LOL. There are too many who are looking to "play the field" and this really drowns out the serous subs.. An issue I have also found...Once the sub is released my house is not as tidy.... [:D]

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