Advice about meeting your dom... (Full Version)

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FiestyFi -> Advice about meeting your dom... (3/19/2007 6:43:05 AM)

Hello everyone and everybody...

I'm struggling to understand this lifestyle, it seems just when I begin to understand it, something else is said, or done to confuse me again. Now I don't know if the way I've been thinking means that my thoughts/feelings/beliefs are wrong or right.

As a newbie submissive I'm seeking a dominant guy to train me to become a good submissive, although I have ideas,am creative about being a submissive, spend a lot of time learning about the lifestyle and my role as a sub. I feel I sometimes have little knowledge or experience to fall back on. Which is why I seek you wise people with this to help me.

I seem to fall down on issues about meeting, maybe that is because I'm scared and nervous, or maybe because I feel the need to protect myself. I feel to me trust is important, I do not feel safe meeting a dom and doing anything remotely kinky on the first date. I have chatted with a few doms who seem to disagree, they either expect some kind of service from me straight away or to travel miles to them! There never seems to be any middle ground or compromise, should I not expect that as sub?

I've always felt and believed that you need to get to know someone as a person before trusting them to tie you up and use you. I feel you need to understand a lot about each other before you can give yourself to that person. So am I wrong to expect a vanilla start to a 'meeting' for a while, before anything mildly kinky related enters the 'relationship'?

Can you have normal vanilla dates whilst you spend time getting to know your dom before you both start to build on the bdsm element?

I feel being a newbie that many doms are turned off by this suggestion. I also find many don't seem to want to build a relationship, I know the relationship word scares a lot of men, and I suppose ultimately, its not really the right word to describe what I want.

I suppose as a newbie I want my first experiences into this lifestyle to be right, to be safe, to feel secure, able to trust my dom, to enjoy what we do, but above all I don't want it to be one night, one week or even one month. I want something that is going to last, I don't want to put myself out there, available to be used and discarded so quickly, I want someone to shape me over time. So why is it some doms don't want this at all? Surely for a true dom/sub situation to work you need to consider the time element?

So really all I am asking is for any opinions, suggestions, or advice. Thank you all once again for being here when I need to understand.

Fiestyfi x



KatyLied -> RE: Advice about meeting your dom... (3/19/2007 6:59:04 AM)

Many don't truly want to build a relationship.  They want to meet for kinky sex.  Do what feels right for you.  If the guy can't deal with it, ask yourself if he's such a great catch anyway.



SirDiscipliner69 -> RE: Advice about meeting your dom... (3/19/2007 7:01:10 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

Many don't truly want to build a relationship.  They want to meet for kinky sex.  Do what feels right for you.  If the guy can't deal with it, ask yourself if he's such a great catch anyway.

and just what is wrong with kinky perverted sex? [image]http://www.collarchat.com/micons/m10.gif[/image]

Ross
©º°¨¨°º©



sub4mentor -> RE: Advice about meeting your dom... (3/19/2007 7:09:59 AM)

being in the same boat, i feel your confusion.  HOWEVER, don't be pushed into anything by anyone and don't let them tell you that you are wrong!!  Don't let anyone make you second guess yourself...it's bad for your self esteem.  You know what you want and when it feels right, you will know.



SweetSarijane -> RE: Advice about meeting your dom... (3/19/2007 7:12:08 AM)

Most certainly you can have vanilla dates. If the Doms you are talking to are all about the play, kinky sex, and you submitting from the start and on the first meet, then it sounds like they aren't for you. It's still a matter of finding the one(s) who fit with you, not changing to be acceptable or fit to another. There's no one way everything is or has to be. It's all very individual. Don't let someone push you into things you don't want or aren't ready for just because they identify as a Dom. They aren't your Dom therefore, they have no control of you unless and until you give it to them.



Lynae78 -> RE: Advice about meeting your dom... (3/19/2007 7:17:51 AM)

Nothing wrong with kinky sex at all. But it isn't what FiestyFi is looking for. FiestyFi there isn't anything wrong with wanting to get to know someone, to start off with a vanilla relationship, and yes there are Doms out there who want a relationship.   You just need to be patient, look on this site and the many other sites we have,(gods bless the internet!) and if you can, go to the munches, meet people, I would also go to a few play parties, to experience some activities, (you know to see what you enjoy. And no there isn't any expectations of sex. and anyone who tries to tell you otherwise, ignore them or tell the DM or host.)  Good Luck!



sweetnurseBBW -> RE: Advice about meeting your dom... (3/19/2007 7:26:26 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: FiestyFi


.





I've always felt and believed that you need to get to know someone as a person before trusting them to tie you up and use you. I feel you need to understand a lot about each other before you can give yourself to that person. So am I wrong to expect a vanilla start to a 'meeting' for a while, before anything mildly kinky related enters the 'relationship'?


Do what feels right for you. This is not unreasonable and good doms are out there. Take your time and find the one the that truly wants to get to know you first and makes you feel comfortable. The internet is full of game players. Try your local groups to meet genuine people in the lifestyle and to learn about others face to face. Good luck!.



bearincuffs -> RE: Advice about meeting your dom... (3/19/2007 7:32:54 AM)

Greetings FiestyFi, probably one of the better ways to approach this is to realize that like anythings else, you will hear conflicting views and/or opinions. Just try to keep an open mind and only use what you believe works for you alone. It is too easy to get overwhelmed as there is no right or wrong, only what feels right for you!

One of the best pieces of advice I was given on meeting a Dom for the first time is to meet for coffee or such on neutral ground, then if your instincts are triggerd, you have a good reason to up and walk away. It's perfectly good to want to feel safe and this applies to the Dom who is meeting you also.

Not all Doms run at the word relationship. It's a matter of being persistant and eventually you will find a Dom who is perfect for you and vice versa. This Dom will see the potential you have to give and will want to take that and polish off the "rough" edges to where you are more then you thought possible. Just listen and follow what your inner voice says and don't get discouraged, you will find what you search for and the hurdles will make it all worthwhile!




OsideGirl -> RE: Advice about meeting your dom... (3/19/2007 7:41:13 AM)

When I was single I made it perfectly clear, that there wasn't going to sex or play on the first meeting. There likely wouldn't be any sex or play for the first 5 to 10 dates. This was the time that I was determining if I even liked the Dom involved.

I chose the meeting spot, usually a coffee shop or a bar where talking was possible. I wore what was comfortable for me and didn't allow that to be dictated to me.

Here's the bottom line: That person isn't your Dominant until you chose to submit to them. That means YOU are responsible for your own decisions. Many Doms will throw out the "you're not submissive" line in an effort to get you to do what they want. But, if a Dom isn't willing to wait until you're comfortable (espcially if you're a novice), then that Dom isn't even worth the effort to go meet them.



lonlyrossInNeed -> RE: Advice about meeting your dom... (3/19/2007 8:03:16 AM)

I agree with this .

ross.g
quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied


Many don't truly want to build a relationship.  They want to meet for kinky sex.  Do what feels right for you.  If the guy can't deal with it, ask yourself if he's such a great catch anyway.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Advice about meeting your dom... (3/19/2007 8:13:21 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: FiestyFi
Can you have normal vanilla dates whilst you spend time getting to know your dom before you both start to build on the bdsm element?

Yes.  Usually the easiest way to do this is get involved in your local community.  Go to parties and munches.  That way you get to see people in a kinky environment, but there is no expectation of kink/authority transfer with anyone at the event.

But it can be done with anyone also, as long as they accept and want it also. 

You might be confused because half of what people tell you is utter BS comprised to seduce you or shame you into being with someone, and because there really isn't a 'way' to do any of this- you really have to do whatever works best for you.

And don't forget my constant advice- do not make a commitment to anyone for at least 6 months.

And don't let fear control you- you're a responsible adult who can meet other adults as she pleases.  Being into Ds doesn't change any of that.



ncmaster75 -> RE: Advice about meeting your dom... (3/19/2007 8:20:09 AM)

I think that it's good to just get to know someone first before diving into this type of relationship/play.  While we are all "sexually gifted" or just plain perverted here (whichever you prefer lol), I think everyone has their own dreams and ideas about what they like, so it's just good to take some time to find out before jumping into things.



MasterFireMaam -> RE: Advice about meeting your dom... (3/19/2007 9:30:00 AM)

If you want to find a relationship, I suggest doing all the things you'd do as if you were looking for a vanilla partner. If you wouldn't sleep with someone on the first, date, don't play with them either. If you want to have things in common that you do together other than BDSM and sex, look for someone who wants that too.

For whatever you want, there's others who agree. Don't do what others tell you to do (even me! ha!) if it doesn't feel right for you. Be yourself and you'll find someone who appreciates that.

Master Fire



SirDominic -> RE: Advice about meeting your dom... (3/19/2007 10:49:30 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

Here's the bottom line: That person isn't your Dominant until you chose to submit to them. That means YOU are responsible for your own decisions. Many Doms will throw out the "you're not submissive" line in an effort to get you to do what they want. But, if a Dom isn't willing to wait until you're comfortable (espcially if you're a novice), then that Dom isn't even worth the effort to go meet them.


Couldn't have put it better myself. This is a very common issue for newbie submissives. They are submissive by nature anyway, and when they get some Dom telling them this is the way you have to act, they have trouble distinguishing the point OsideGirl made. Fortunately FiestyFi, you have taken the time to read and learn about how some of this works. You are not falling down on the meeting part, you are wise enough to know when a supposed dom tells you this is what you must do, you know better.

My slave and I didn't have our first fetish session until we had been chatting for three months. You should expect to take as much time as you need to feel safe with a Dom you like. If he is the Dom you are meant to be with, he will be patient with you.

Namaste, Sir Dominic



MsKatHouston -> RE: Advice about meeting your dom... (3/19/2007 11:11:05 AM)

quote:

 have chatted with a few doms who seem to disagree, they either expect some kind of service from me straight away or to travel miles to them! There never seems to be any middle ground or compromise, should I not expect that as sub?


Yes, you should.  You have no more obligation to play or have sex than you would on a vanilla first date.  The purpose is to get to know you.  Anyone trying to use your submissive nature or desires against you is manipulating you.  Think about what you want, be realistic but don't compromise on what is important to you.  Then only meet with those who seem to fit within your expectations.

quote:

I've always felt and believed that you need to get to know someone as a person before trusting them to tie you up and use you. I feel you need to understand a lot about each other before you can give yourself to that person. So am I wrong to expect a vanilla start to a 'meeting' for a while, before anything mildly kinky related enters the 'relationship'?


Seems like common sense, doesn't it?  It is.  The ones who disagree with this and push you for more before you are ready, are not the ones who deserve your submission.  Go as slowly as you need to to garner a comfort level.  This may mean meeting one for someone and meeting 200 for another.  Up to you.

quote:

Can you have normal vanilla dates whilst you spend time getting to know your dom before you both start to build on the bdsm element?


Of course.  A solid BDSM element is often based on getting to know the person...what better way than to go to dinner, see some movies, go to a museum, talk on the phone...?

quote:

I feel being a newbie that many doms are turned off by this suggestion.


Certainly they are.  You just ruined their chances of an easy lay. 

quote:

I also find many don't seem to want to build a relationship, I know the relationship word scares a lot of men, and I suppose ultimately, its not really the right word to describe what I want.


Why not?  If it is then it is.  Many men and many dominants are looking for that too.  Don't let a few rotten apples ruin it for you.  Be selective but there are some fabulous men out there. 

quote:

I suppose as a newbie I want my first experiences into this lifestyle to be right, to be safe, to feel secure, able to trust my dom, to enjoy what we do, but above all I don't want it to be one night, one week or even one month. I want something that is going to last, I don't want to put myself out there, available to be used and discarded so quickly, I want someone to shape me over time.


This can happen.  However, as with any dating, sometimes the unexpected happens.  Be realistic.  You can have all you want but it might take some time and experimentation to pick the keeper.  It usually does not happen on the first go round but then again...sometimes it does ;)

quote:

So why is it some doms don't want this at all? Surely for a true dom/sub situation to work you need to consider the time element?


Because some doms want some kinky sex with no commitment.  Not really too difficult to understand.  Just avoid those types if that's not what you are looking for.

quote:

So really all I am asking is for any opinions, suggestions, or advice. Thank you all once again for being here when I need to understand.


Until you agree to it, you are not owned by anyone.  You have not only the right but the responsibility of making sound decisions that are true to you and will protect you.  You have done nothing wrong.  Finding the perfect match can take time but don't compromise yourself or your ideals to get a quick fix.  (Unless you want to ;))



AZSweetie -> RE: Advice about meeting your dom... (3/19/2007 11:47:21 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: FiestyFi

So am I wrong to expect a vanilla start to a 'meeting' for a while, before anything mildly kinky related enters the 'relationship'?


ABSOFRICKENLUTELY NOT! [:)] There is absolutely nothing wrong with keeping it vanilla until you feel that you are ready to incorporate D/s into the relationship.

quote:


Can you have normal vanilla dates whilst you spend time getting to know your dom before you both start to build on the bdsm element?


Damn Skippy you can!

quote:


I feel being a newbie that many doms are turned off by this suggestion. I also find many don't seem to want to build a relationship, I know the relationship word scares a lot of men, and I suppose ultimately, its not really the right word to describe what I want.


Well some are aren't looking for anything other than D/s from the get go. There's nothing wrong with that if thats what you want as well. In your case you actually want more and there is nothing wrong with that. There are plenty of men out there who will want the same as you do [:)]

quote:


I suppose as a newbie I want my first experiences into this lifestyle to be right, to be safe, to feel secure, able to trust my dom, to enjoy what we do, but above all I don't want it to be one night, one week or even one month. I want something that is going to last, I don't want to put myself out there, available to be used and discarded so quickly, I want someone to shape me over time. So why is it some doms don't want this at all? Surely for a true dom/sub situation to work you need to consider the time element?


i can't speak for the Dom/mes that want this, but i will say that i want exactly what you want as well. i want something that will last (hopefully). i'm not looking to be someones toy (all the time LOL!).




Mercnbeth -> RE: Advice about meeting your dom... (3/19/2007 11:54:53 AM)

Advice about meeting your dom... ?

Based on your description - don't. You aren't ready.

You don't know yourself well enough. You don't have enough trust in yourself. You aren't strong enough. There is a part of you that agrees, the part that results in you falling; "down on issues about meeting" and recognizes that you are "scared and nervous".

Of course you have options. People will tell you what you want to hear. Obviously you can follow the advice that best matches what you want to do, or have planned on doing anyway. Listen to yourself; "I want my first experiences into this lifestyle to be right, to be safe, to feel secure, able to trust my dom, to enjoy what we do, but above all I don't want it to be one night, one week or even one month. I want something that is going to last, I don't want to put myself out there, available to be used and discarded so quickly, I want someone to shape me over time." If you are considered a "dom" who demands anything without knowing you because you haven't run into any who don't doesn't mean they are the only types out there. Consider that perhaps your vulnerability projects a lack of confidence that attracts only these types.

There is no standard to live by, no requirement of total immersion into submission. The term "vanilla" is as arbitrary as the terms slave, submissive, dom, Master; they are defined by the relationship. Take your time to know what you want, or at least what you think you want at this point in your life based upon your experience thus far. Wait, respect yourself, demand respect, and be confident in your ability to trust yourself. Getting to that point - have fun. Fun should be a goal right up there on the top of your list of goals. You'd be surprised at how much "experience" you get just looking for fun and being around people with similar intentions.

This is a process. The goal isn't, or shouldn't be, meeting someone. It should be seeking someone who best meets the standards and expectations of your "ideal" relationship. Maybe the ideal is casual, maybe the ideal is once a month "play", maybe it's better left a unfulfilled fantasy. Know yourself well enough to have an idea of what "ideal" is and don't compromise it just to say you've met someone. "Joy riding" is a fun experience, but driving around aimlessly not knowing where your going or why your going is a waste of gas (energy) and getting lost can put you in a dangerous place.

People are out there with the sole intention of using you. Accept that as fact. If you're "lucky" the resulting hurt from such an experience will be purely physical and go away along with the fading bruises. More likely there is a good chance the hurt will impact you mentally and/or emotionally and last much longer. 

Before you can trust "them to tie you up" you must trust yourself to know whether you can trust them to tie you up. Are you prepared to make that assessment?



WldOne -> RE: Advice about meeting your dom... (3/19/2007 12:08:04 PM)

To the op...... you should expect a vanilla start.You need to get to know the Dom as a person first. Be patient you will weed through all the bull and find what you are looking for. Good luck and keep your chin up and don't listen to the stupid "If you were a good sub/slave you would" .  



LadyPact -> RE: Advice about meeting your dom... (3/19/2007 12:55:13 PM)

FiestyFi, there is absolutely nothing wrong with the way you think or feel about this.  Wanting to find a Dom does not invalidate them.  It means you know what you are looking for.  There is nothing wrong about that.
 
What you are doing is not being untrue to being a submissive.  (No, I'm not surprised in the least if anyone has used this line against you in an attempt to get laid.)  There are Dom's out there who are willing to take the time to establish a relationship.  It's going to depend on the individual.  Won't lie to you.  Like any other group in society, there are good Ones and there are bad Ones.  Somehow, the Ones for the kinky sex show up first, but the good part about that is, they make the good Ones just all that more worth waiting for.
 
Continue just what you are doing.  Keep reading about the lifestyle.  I agree with the comment about going to munches so that you can meet people in the community.  Also a good idea to get to know your sister submissives, so that they can help you in areas that you have questions.
 
Remember always that your submission is a precious gift not to be wasted.  Keep your safety in mind at all times.  Welcome to both the CM and the BDSM community.
 
 



LadyHugs -> RE: Advice about meeting your dom... (3/19/2007 1:06:41 PM)

Dear FiestyFi, Ladies and Gentlemen;
 
In my mind's eyes I see, you must feel 'gut' right with every question you ask of yourself and others.  I would also treat yourself as something valuable and although not for sale per se, you are 'selling' yourself as an investment -- first, with you --which I will add you are doing well.  Do not lower your price or your dignity. 
 
I do agree with the posts thus far, about people who identify as a Dominant and still a total stranger to you, making all sort of demands that would only be appropriate to consider, not necessarily 'obey' if they were a 'steady' couple in a committed relationship.  Unfortunately, it must be assumed that those who push, that question your authenticity, e.g. you're not a sub because [insert their excuses], or go any faster then your comfort levels.  Slave/submissive does not equal "victim."
 
Correctly stated, which does need to be repeated often, trust is earned and easily lost.  Trust is not established quickly but, patiently so.  It is an investment with interest growing.  How you treat yourself is the total sum of your total worth.
 
Just some thoughts.
 
Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs
 
 



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