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CreativeDominant -> RE: The hurdles of transprency!! (3/20/2007 11:46:43 AM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: juliaoceania
Trust is not about other people, it is always about ourselves. There is no person on God's Green Earth that could inspire instant trust from me... I had one of those in my life, and I married him, and he turned out to be a borderline sociopath, it is hard to determine seeing he was on crack cocaine soon after we married.
Trust is about me, not my partner. The people I trust least are the ones that tell me they can be trusted... just my personal lumps along the way that have demonstrated this to me time and again.
What inspires trust from me is someone that demonstrates trust in me... it is a synergy that causes it. The first time I went to my Daddy's place he left about so much information I could have collected it and stolen his identity if that was my design. He left me alone with his computer, his credit card bills, even a copy of his SS card that he had faxed for business purposes was laying out with phone numbers jotted on it. He trusted me. Either he is really lucky or a good judge of character, because I would never do anything of that nature to anyone. The point is that this demonstration of trust engendered a deep feeling of it in me that set the tone for our relationship. He does not care if I organize his papers, or I go through his things to organize them and put them away (I have an organization fetish). He does not hide things from me... this is transparency.
People have to give what they expect to get from others. I find most are incapable of doing that... either way when I have found myself distrustful, that is 99% me, 1% his actions.... and that is a self preservation mechanism. I think it is very easy for you to state that we should all take each person as they come, yes I think that we should in theory, but women who have been through abusive marriages, been abandoned, been left with UMs (like me), are once bitten twice shy... fairly normal if you ask me.
You make some good points julia...and having been through my own hell with an ex, I get the idea of "once bitten-twice shy". At a certain point though, you can use the issue of "trust" to make another person continually prove themselves to you, stated or not, because they are paying for what someone else did. It may well be for self-preservation and I can respect anyone's right to care for themselves but I know that at a certain point that I would begin to ask "At what point do I get to quit paying for what others have done?"
There is much in the following article... http://www.stpt.usf.edu/hhl/papers/Real-Men.htm ...to disagree with but two points do seem well-stated:
"Relationships falter for any number of reasons. For instance, intimate relationships can be neither established nor maintained unless the partners know and trust one another. Unless they know each other, they cannot promote each other's needs. Unless they trust each other, their fear of being hurt will circumscribe communication. Moreover, their interests -- although they need not be identical -- must be sufficiently overlapping so neither continuous conflict nor absolute acquiescence is inevitable." Isn't open and honest communication one of the things we strive for in D/s?
"Even when two people know, love and trust one another and have reasonably similar interests, external conditions can undermine intimacy. Job pressures, family illness or difficulties with children make regular and sustained conversations between partners difficult. Without intimate communication to nourish them, they will grow apart. (And without trust, how difficult is intimate communication?) Small troubles evolve into big problems. Big problems become insurmountable hurdles. Relationships are dashed on the rocks of miscommunication and misunderstanding."
(((The bold-ing of the remarks above is my doing as well as the statement in parentheses and outside the quotes)))
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