RE: D/s Identity-can you tell if you'll always be sub, Dom or Switch?

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RE: D/s Identity-can you tell if you'll always be sub, ... - 3/19/2007 11:26:25 PM

LadyAyla7053

Posts: 52
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SusanofO

Yeah, I hear you on that, sambamanslilgirl. In my fantasies, I can be really Sadistic, as well as tender. However in real-life, while I am pretty sure I could be "tough", I'd have a difficult time being truly brutal, I think. Maybe that's just my personality, maybe 'cuz I am also submissive, I dunno.

-Susan

I don't believe it's because you are also submissive. It may simply be that you worry about actually injuring the submissive that is under you at that time. I say that because when I first started exploring my dominant side I felt the same thing and even now when I am playing with a new submissive I am never as hard as I can be. Just take your time and go slow. Most submissives will understand and respect you more for it because you are making sure they aren't injured. Besides who wants to break ones toys?

Lady Ayla

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 21

RE: D/s Identity-can you tell if you'll always be sub, ... - 3/20/2007 12:09:31 AM

GoddessDustyGold

Posts: 2822
Joined: 4/11/2004
From: Arizona
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sambamanslilgirl

i think that's one of my biggest fears while trying the Domme side to me. whenever i had a guy say "spank me harder", "squeeze my testicles hard until i pass out" or "jump, stomp, beat, pound me while walking in your heel", my first concern was for their health and safety ...i didn't want to hurt them to the point they would need to seek medical care. like you said, didn't want to end up on Court TV.

I am stopping here as it seems a good place to point out a few differences. And if this has already been brought up further on in this thread, Iapologize for the repeat.
Susan, itsounds to Me like you are more of a ServiceTop at this point. At least from what I read. It depends on what your dominant fantasies entail. I am assuming these are kinky scenes, as opposed to daily life with you in absolute charge of a submissive. I could be wrong!
But thus far,I am reading: You can get into and do scenes that are exciting and can last for a few hours, but that is not what necessarily makes a FemDom. It is a start but it goes much deeper.
I use the quoted post as an example. Note the area I bolded and italicized. As a ServiceTop, I might...might....accept instruction as to how to conduct the scene. More so prior than during. As a FemDom, working with a submissive, I would not. I would pay attention to reactions and take the appropriate care, but I would not increase, decrease or change the method of play because he was telling Me to do so. That just isn't very submissive! A slightly more acceptable scenario might be a sub begging for something with a "Ma'am"
attached to the end of the plea. But that is not even assured during a scene. Better to discuss that prior to the next playtime. As a FemDom, I will always consider a sub's/slave's particular desires. But the final decision is Mine.
For Me, Dominance goes much deeper than the fact that I am the Top during play. It is in every fiber of My being. It is who I am. It is not a role I slip into for a few hours of kink. For Me, that is what makesMe a FemDom. It is what makes the Ladies I know in this lifestyle FemDoms.
At the time I was introduced to the lifestyle, I felt intense relief. I realized there was an acceptable place for Me. As a FemDom. I never considered the submissive side of things, because I am not in the least submissive. So I am set in stone, and I know I will never change. I am grateful that I never had any struggle in finding My place or figuring anything out. It is very natural for Me to be Dominant.
You may well end up choosing the Top side, Susan. But there is a difference between a Dominant, and a Top. At least in My mind, there is.

_____________________________

Dusty
They that give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety
B Franklin
Don't blame Me ~ I didn't vote for either of them
The Hidden Kingdom

(in reply to sambamanslilgirl)

Post #: 22

RE: D/s Identity-can you tell if you'll always be sub, ... - 3/20/2007 12:26:49 AM

Vendaval

Posts: 10297
Joined: 1/15/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SusanofO

When someone is relatively new in terms of bdsm experience, and has an inclination to go from being a submissive to a Mistress or a Master - for the purpose of discovering more about a potential side of themselves they think they have definite interest and appreciation for, but haven't yet experiemented with, as far as bdsm "scening" - is there any particular length of time recommended - say days, months, or a year, in this new D/s identity, to be able to really know if one is submissive or Dominant - as opposed to a true Switch?

There is no set timeline. We all progress and grow at different
rates and for different stimulus.

But - how does one really, truly know that they are not one or the other, but both?

Living and real-life experience is the best way to know.
If you over-think the question you may not take action and find out.
And think of all the fun you might miss by that!

Is there a way to tell for sure? Does it matter?

I do not think that there is a litmus test for Scene orientation.
Certainty may matter more to some people than to others.
What is the bottom line for you and your partners?
That is the question to ask.

- Susan

_____________________________

"Beware, the woods at night, beware the lunar light.
So in this gray haze we'll be meating again, and on that
great day, I will tease you all the same."
"WOLF MOON", OCTOBER RUST, TYPE O NEGATIVE

http://KinkMeet.co.uk

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 23

RE: D/s Identity-can you tell if you'll always be sub, ... - 3/20/2007 2:22:19 AM

SusanofO

Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline

Thanks for all of the replies, people. I am just starting to scratch the surface of all this for myself.

GoddessDusty: You are right, there is a definite difference bewteen a Top and a FemDom. I am glad you pointed that out. I am, I think, probably a true Switch. My imagined scenes w/male submissives don't actually involve taking much (or any) instruction during the scene re: What they want me to do with or to them, but of course I'd make an effort to know what their needs are by getting to know them as people first. I am not altogether sure how this would all work, actually, and I know I am going to start reading the Mistress forum more. I appreciate your perspective a lot, thanks for writing in (Vendeval, too). Everyone, thanks.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 3/20/2007 2:28:52 AM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to Vendaval)

Post #: 24

RE: D/s Identity-can you tell if you'll always be sub, ... - 3/20/2007 2:28:41 AM

Quivver

Posts: 1953
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline

quick reply...........
I know I have alot of Switch in me.
I also know I have NO desire to Switch. It just doesnt feed me.
Could I find a partner if I opened up the playing field by allowing my Dominant tendencys to run rampent? Sure, but it would be just like the old days and I would be miserable cause I just couldnt keep up the act for one reason or another. I would rather be alone then settle.

_____________________________

The problem with communication ... is the illusion that it has been accomplished. ~George Bernard Shaw

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 25

RE: D/s Identity-can you tell if you'll always be sub, ... - 3/20/2007 2:35:44 AM

SusanofO

Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline

Quivver: At least you've done it, and you know how it works for you (lucky gal!). I've never even acted on my Domme side yet. But I remember talking about this once /w someone and the conversation veered into how cool it might end up being (if both people could do, it and agreed to it) to have both people Switch at some point during a scene.

I know this is the kind of talk that ends up blowing some people's minds, as far as people who say they are Switches, but I can actually picture myself doing it, and enjoying that. However, that is not what I'd ever do if the other person didn't want to do it, and also many male submssives just aren't at all interested in Dominating their partner, even if they could. So, I'd try to pay to getting to know attention to their needs, first, before any scene ever took place.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 3/20/2007 2:39:26 AM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to Quivver)

Post #: 26

RE: D/s Identity-can you tell if you'll always be sub, ... - 3/20/2007 2:50:34 AM

Quivver

Posts: 1953
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline

Susan, my ~doing~ it was forced back in the Nilla days. Only by coming here did I learn why I had been so miserable, although it came naturally it wasnt a pleasant ~natural~. Of course I'm talking more life then scene. But if given the chance to act up a bit I will always come right back down where I'm comfortable. I guess it's the brat in me.

_____________________________

The problem with communication ... is the illusion that it has been accomplished. ~George Bernard Shaw

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 27

RE: D/s Identity-can you tell if you'll always be sub, ... - 3/20/2007 2:51:46 AM

SilentHunter

Posts: 149
Joined: 10/19/2005
Status: offline

I do see both sides of the fence, When i first got into the whole BDSM-D/s side of things about 16 years ago, I tried submissive first, i lasted about 8 weeks into the training and lost it, I just couldn't do it, perhaps something in My past brought it to the surface (Im sure of only one or two cases where this happened). When i got into the Dominant side, it was like coming home after a long trip, it was just me.

Its not all about being one or the other, its all down to what you feel like on a particular instance, you can't say "Oh in two weeks time i want to be submissive/Dominant" Life and your own head will show you different. My own real life slave (the one in the pic) is a switch, but she submits to just one (that came from the gorean assholes), and i am happy to let her experiment, on someone lol just not me.

Experience is relative, when you feel ready to explore the dominant side, then attend a munch, get to know the other dominants and watch for a bit, you may have a fair idea already from being the sub, and how the dominant does things, but thats like noses and opinions lol we all have one different. Find your own style, as good as it is that you may copy someone else's style, you will end up with your own.

Have fun exploring anyways lol.

Steve/SH

_____________________________

You can all kiss my arse ............. later lol.

See I am right, hey where did everyone go?

I tend to say things as they are, some don't like it .... Too Bad

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 28

RE: D/s Identity-can you tell if you'll always be sub, ... - 3/20/2007 3:07:11 AM

gypsygrl

Posts: 1471
Joined: 10/8/2005
From: new york state
Status: offline

Are you making any distinction between Dominant and Top when you conceptualize your switchiness?

I'm pretty sure I could learn to Top in the SM sense and even take a dominant position (not service top) for the purposes of a scene and get alot out of it. (Given the limited amount of time I have to devote to these sorts of things, its unlikely that I'd take the time to actually learn those skills. Its not something that's high on my list of priorities.) I am just as sure that I could not pursue a long term relationship as a Dominant and receive the sort of psychosexual gratification from it that I receive from submitting. I would end up repressing the sorts of longings and yearnings I've been repressing all my life. I think the fact that I've never had any sexual fantasies about Topping or Dominating points to this.

Also, I tend to feel switchy in reaction to the consequences of my submitting, particularly feelings of vulnerability and dependance. In my mind, it comes from an urge to re-establish control and protect myself. Its not the same as topping from the bottom. Its more like a feeling of having gone as far with submitting as I can at that particular point in time. Its what happens when I find a limit.

I don't look at "submissive," "dominant" or "switch" as identities but tend to see them as descriptions of something I do, can do or don't do. Feeling like I want to go dom on someone's ass every once in a while doesn't affect the fact that most of the time, I seek out the submissive position nor does it make me a switch. I can, potentially, go dom on someone's ass every now and again and still identify as a submissive in a relationship and allow myself to be dominated within that relationship. Doing the one doesn't necessarily detract from the other.

I guess my point is that its not neccessary to think in all or nothing terms.

< Message edited by gypsygrl -- 3/20/2007 3:25:43 AM >

_____________________________

“To be happy is to be able to become aware of oneself without fright.” ~Walter Benjamin

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 29

RE: D/s Identity-can you tell if you'll always be sub, ... - 3/20/2007 3:14:28 AM

slavezero

Posts: 4
Joined: 1/20/2005
From: Scotland
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SusanofO

When someone is relatively new in terms of bdsm experience, and has an inclination to go from being a submissive to a Mistress or a Master - for the purpose of discovering more about a potential side of themselves they think they have definite interest and appreciation for, but haven't yet experiemented with, as far as bdsm "scening" - is there any particular length of time recommended - say days, months, or a year, in this new D/s identity, to be able to really know if one is submissive or Dominant - as opposed to a true Switch?

It's all entirely down to yourself, i mean, i have been submissive all my life, i've switched in relationships to keep partners happy (these were vanilla partners who were into BDSM also) but i've never really got into it, submission is where my heart lies. Will i switch again in the future, i wouldn't say no, but it doesn't seem likely at present (i am terrible at it) just do what feels right for you :)

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 30

RE: D/s Identity-can you tell if you'll always be sub, ... - 3/20/2007 4:51:34 AM

asubmissiveheart

Posts: 462
Joined: 11/20/2006
Status: offline

I am submissive to the women I love and trust, only.

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 31

RE: D/s Identity-can you tell if you'll always be sub, ... - 3/20/2007 6:55:04 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

quote:

When someone is relatively new in terms of bdsm experience, and has an inclination to go from being a submissive to a Mistress or a Master - for the purpose of discovering more about a potential side of themselves they think they have definite interest and appreciation for, but haven't yet experimented with, as far as bdsm "scening" - is there any particular length of time recommended - say days, months, or a year, in this new D/s identity, to be able to really know if one is submissive or Dominant - as opposed to a true Switch?

Susan,
You are trying to represent a three dimensional image and process it in a one dimensional media. What you "are" is a factor of fantasy, experience, and analysis.

Beginning the journey there is only fantasy. In the "dark ages" (pre-internet) the fantasies were fueled by magazines hidden under mattresses, and Penthouse letters. Now you can see and read about anything. The frenzy begins. Getting up the courage, you meet someone, and start to experience. Although the trait of physical frenzy is usually identified with men it isn't exclusive to them. The fallacy common among the uninitiated is that submission is the simple process of saying so, stripping down, jumping on the bed with arms/legs stretched to the bedposts, and saying; "I'm your slave - do anything you want to me!". Although many "doms" can and will take advantage of that type opportunity, some process that sentence as a demand translating as "Do me!"; a statement of dominance not submission.

I've often witnessed people in stage two, having had the fantasies, moving on to the experiences who just what to experience it all. In my opinion its a basis of that false belief that to be a Dom you must first go through the experiences of a submissive. The brain is on overload. Again, there are people who split and differentiate sexual pleasure from BDSM type sensation. I won't argue that point here, but regardless if you believe that premise or not, the commonality is they are sensations. More importantly they are NEW sensations. Consider the first time the fantasy of sex was experienced. The desire to experience more, deeper, intensity is common. Unlike sex where what one experiences is limited by gender, BDSM roles are NOT defined by your physical body, but physical tools that can be used by either gender.

That brings you to the final consideration. How does your mind process the experiences? Its the analysis that determines identity. Very similar to sexual preferences, you can similarly identify as a top, bottom, or switch based upon the your personal analysis. What a concept huh? You aren't limited in the role of submissive just because of a condition of having two XX chromosomes. Then again, it the face of societal expectations sometimes the mental anguish of being a dominant woman can be akin to a coming out of the closet as a homosexual, except society accepts a "henpecked" husband easier than they do a lesbian.

It comes down to analysis of what you've experienced once the frenzy dies down a bit. You never know where you'll end up in reality based upon pre-realized fantasy. You may come through the most intense submissive session, beyond any imagined fantasy, and come out of the experience disappointed. The experiences may point you to a direction you didn't anticipate.

Good Luck!

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 32

RE: D/s Identity-can you tell if you'll always be sub, ... - 3/20/2007 10:15:00 AM

SusanofO

Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline

I really, really appreciate everyone's replies. Thnaks much, folks.

- Susan

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 33

RE: D/s Identity-can you tell if you'll always be sub, ... - 3/20/2007 10:53:29 AM

WhiplashSmile

Posts: 1472
Joined: 6/8/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SusanofO

Yeah, I hear you on that, sambamanslilgirl. In my fantasies, I can be really Sadistic, as well as tender. However in real-life, while I am pretty sure I could be "tough", I'd have a difficult time being truly brutal, I think. Maybe that's just my personality, maybe 'cuz I am also submissive, I dunno.

-Susan

Susan, I know where you are coming from 100% on being Sadistic as well as tender. I myself enjoy the contrast between these two. It make things even more intense. I can't have one without the other. I have issues with being with somebody that only wants one without the other. I can understand you have reservations about being Totally Brutal, being brutal can mean different things to different people. There is always a limit in the things you do to somebody, to the point you don't want to get too carried away because YOU yourself will feel like your were being too Brutal. It's a form on mental block, where you want to let loose a little more, and still feel good about yourself afterwards. When I first started doing BDSM things, I know I encountered this same feeling. The thing was that I was with somebody that wanted this done to them. I had to first accept this! Then I had to get over the mental block, and explore and finally cross the mental limit. Like jumping off a diving board for the first time. It was kind of scarey the first time. I allowed myself to open and enjoy it, I did not hear the timeout safeword being called. I totally got into it, I put my trust in the submissive to call the safeword if it become too much. No safe word was called. After a bit everything came to a hault. I found myself dealing with MY own state of mental well being. There was some great post regarding Dom/me aftercare on this board. The most wonderful thing was being able to reconnect with the submissive after this was all said and done. It helped me keep own sense of self esteem intact for finally opening up a little more of the Sadist in me. I hope this helps you while exploring the Dark Side! Oh yes, we really do have cookies waiting for you over here! lol

< Message edited by WhiplashSmile -- 3/20/2007 10:56:06 AM >

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 34

RE: D/s Identity-can you tell if you'll always be sub, ... - 3/20/2007 11:00:19 AM

SusanofO

Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline

Thanks for your reply, I appreciate it. As a submissive, I know I've imagined enjoying some really Sadistic stuff being acted out on me. I can understand why a male sub (or any sub) woud want it, too. That is one real advantage I see to being a Switch (although yes I realize Femdoms are also very in touch w/the desires of male subs).

I guess as far as things I consider brutal, trampling might be a good example - however, I'd caveat that by saying 1) I've never done it, or witnessed it, and have only read about it and 2) Just because I can't picture myself doing it, doesn't in any way mean (to me) that it is an "illegitmate need."

Lastly, I am not opposed to a relationship developing slowly w/someone, and frankly I can think of friends I've related to better in some instances than my last Dominant (but that was truly a weird situation, toward the end anyway). Of course, some folk do understand a Switch situation, and have no probelm with dealing with it as long as everyone is upfront in their feelings and actions, etc.

I feel so "transitional" now that I wouldn't want to potentially leave someone feeling like they thought they were getting a forever Domme, and ended up w/a Switch that needed an outlet for satisfaction for the opposing D/s orientation (the "other side"). Maybe some people don't think about this stuff (not you, I know you're a Switch too), but anyway, I am just mulling a lot over, lately.

I just get in these moods when I wonder if I even know what the hell it is I am doing, and then I feel all guilty for potentially hurting someone (or thinking maybe I did), when really what it probably is is that I just need to chill and think things through, and get in a different head-space. I do know myself better than it appears in this thread. I am just having one of "those days" (or weeks), and am asking myself a lot of Qs. That is, IMO, probably a good thing. I am "getting my head together" (or trying to, anyway).

Anyhow, thanks for the encouraging reply. It is very much appreciated.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 3/20/2007 11:45:46 AM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to WhiplashSmile)

Post #: 35

RE: D/s Identity-can you tell if you'll always be sub, ... - 3/20/2007 12:04:24 PM

SusanofO

Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline

This whole situation may be nothing new to some; I am a relative "newbie" in that I've only had a year as a real-life submissive (a few times a week, for a few hours at a time). Anyway, this thread is basically just me taking apart my own head - but ny comments from folks who have "been there" (or have opinions) is much appreciated. I am taking a few weeks to sort out "my head" (am not sure that will be a sure cure-all for any upcoming weird situations I'd find myself in, but figure it cannot hurt). All comments appreciated.

- Susan

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 36

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