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predicament... - 4/8/2005 6:35:52 PM   
predicament


Posts: 1
Joined: 4/8/2005
Status: offline 		What would you do if you were me?

I have a boyfriend, we are both dominant. We have known each other for many years online and have been living with each other for a little over a year. While we were online friends he would occasionally scene with a particular submissive and he very much enjoyed these scenes.

This submissive is very shy and very private. She is also somewhat of a public figure and is very careful not to let anyone know she is into BDSM.

My boyfriend has spoken to her on a couple of occasions since we have been together, but has never once mentioned to her that he is living with another woman. I didn't really have any objections to that though I did find it strange.

I told him that I would have no problems if he would want to scene with her.

So today she contacts him and they speak for a little bit, she told him she would like to see him (to scene). He told her he would like that too. As he tells me this I asked him if he told her that he was living with me, he said no and asked what I thought he should tell her. So I told him to say "I would enjoy having you come over, but I want you to know, up front, that I do have a girlfriend whom I live with. I have discussed it with her and she is fine with you coming, but I would like you to be aware of the situation and that she will probably be around if you do come." and basically just be honest.

After I said that he got upset and said it would never work. He also accused me of being jealous and basically getting in the way of his happiness (because he gets so much pleasure out of his scenes with her).

He can tell her that he is living with someone but that I would have to stay in a different room the entire time and I can never see her.

I told him that I would feel uncomfortable having a strange woman in our house, scening with my boyfriend and I cannot know who she is. Not as though I would want to chat with her, but I cannot see her, I cannot say hello, she would never have any contact with me at all. While I can understand wanting privacy, it is my house too and I feel I have a right to know or at least see the person my boyfriend is going to be with.

He is very upset that I feel this way and is just grumbling about how I am standing in the way and making it impossible. Why am I supposed to do something I feel uncomfortable with? I do not feel that I am being unreasonable yet he is making me feel like this evil person for telling him that I feel hurt and disappointed. Or for feeling this way.

His last comment to me was "you want to know who's in your house, fine, you win." This whole thing has brought a lot of negativity and tension into our relationship and I just feel very uncomfortable and unloved at the moment.

Do you think I am being unreasonable? Does anyone have any suggestions?

~P~
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: predicament... - 4/8/2005 8:42:43 PM   
ShiftedJewel


Posts: 2492
Joined: 12/2/2004
Status: offline 		My husband and I are both Dominants and when we scene, for obvious reasons, it is with someone else on the bottom. We have never, and will never hide the fact that we are a couple, to us that would be deceitful, plain and simple.

quote:

After I said that he got upset and said it would never work. He also accused me of being jealous and basically getting in the way of his happiness (because he gets so much pleasure out of his scenes with her).


That sounds like he was lashing out at you for his own inadequacies. He wants this additional partner in his life but is unable to do it in an honest and open fashion therefore it must be your fault. Sorry, but dishonesty is dishonesty no matter what spin he choses to put on it. It isn't fair to you but at least you know about her, I pity the other girl, she has no idea how little he can be trusted.

No, you are not being unreasonable. If it were me, I would tell him he was going to learn the art of being completely honest or pack. Trust is far to fragile as it is, you don't need to feed into his delusion that the way he is treating this other woman is ok. The seed has been planted... are you starting to wonder what else he has been hiding yet?

Jewel

_____________________________

Don't ask, trust me, you won't like the answer... no one ever does.

(in reply to predicament)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: predicament... - 4/8/2005 9:57:20 PM   
SweetDommes


Posts: 3313
Joined: 10/5/2004
Status: offline 		I'm with Jewel on this one - he's being dishonest with her ... and if he lies to one, I would automatically start looking for lies that he might be telling me. The way he is treating her is NOT ok - and I don't care who the other woman is, if he doesn't think that you can be trusted to protect her identity, then he doesn't trust you - and if she trusts him, then she should trust whomever he trusts with the information, so it should not be a big deal. I would never scene with anyone that Holly had not previously met and talked to, and she is the same way - and you can be damn sure that it wouldn't be happening in our house unless we were both involved in the scene (I have gone to a guy's apartment to scene when Holly wasn't interested in him, but not in our home).

I'd give him an ultimatum - but if the house you are living in is his, be prepared to move out.

(in reply to ShiftedJewel)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: predicament... - 4/9/2005 5:37:19 AM   
Masterspetal


Posts: 17
Joined: 4/3/2005
Status: offline 		Jewel and SweetDommes have said it all, and i would completely have to agree with them.

Master and i are a married couple, and keep nothing hiddened, even prior to us entering this lifestyle. We, on occasion, will bring another into our scening, but we always have and always will present ourselves as a couple. Scening alone is not an option (His rules, not mine; which of course is fine by me). But if it were, both would have to mutually agree to it, and it would never happen in our home. Any relationship (top/top;top/bottom;vanilla) honesty and the line of communication are a must.

i don't feel you're being unreasonable at all! i wish you luck.


Warmest regards,

Master's petal

(in reply to SweetDommes)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: predicament... - 4/9/2005 7:31:37 AM   
LadyShoshin


Posts: 492
Joined: 7/19/2004
From: Burlington, Ontario
Status: offline 		I am a Domme and live with a male sub, he is my roommate, we live seperate lives under the same roof. I tell any male subs I am considering, upfront, before we ever meet about my living arrangements. It is my roomie's home too & if he wants to sit in his living room or any room other than mine, that is his right. The male subs call him Sir, because it is his home, he has helped train some of them in hair brushing and putting on my nylons, other than that, he has no interaction with them, they are there to serve me.

Some have been initially uncomfortable with this, but have gotten used to it. If & when the scene becomes intimate, I move it to my room & close the door.

Apparently your partner thinks lying to a sub is acceptable, he wants his cake & to eat it too. His responses sound childish. It is up to you if you are going to go along with his deception or not, no one can make that decision for you, however for me it would be a deal breaker.

_____________________________

PHLOX: “It’s unethical for a doctor to cause harm...I can inflict as much pain as I like.”

(in reply to predicament)
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RE: predicament... - 4/9/2005 8:07:14 AM   
LadyAngelika


Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline
quote:

His last comment to me was "you want to know who's in your house, fine, you win."


That is about as passive aggressive as they come. And that can only mean one thing: there are deeper issues here at play. As the women who have responded to you before me, he has to resolve some things for himself. There is some kind of a blockage that is preventing him from being honest with himself, you and this other woman.

If it were me, I would not stand for it. I will not be shoved off into another room in my own house for someone else's comfort.

I sincerely hope you find a way to resolve this.

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to predicament)
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RE: predicament... - 4/9/2005 8:30:23 AM   
Manawyddan


Posts: 701
Joined: 1/2/2005
From: Petaluma (Northern California)
Status: offline 		I think the phrase it "wanting to have his cake and eat it too." Your boyfriend wants all the advantages of living with and having a committed relationship, but none of the disadvantages (i.e. that he can't tomcat at will).

He has to start being honest with himself about what he wants in a relationship.

It is not reasonable to demand that you vacate your own house for an intruder (I sometimes do if my fiancee is having someone sleep over, but only if my girlfriend is free ... otherwise, fiancee is out of luck. and vice versa, of course).

_____________________________

_______________________________________________
"She always had a terrific sense of humor"
(Valerie Solonas, as described by her mother)
_______________________________________________

(in reply to predicament)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: predicament... - 4/9/2005 10:50:50 AM   
EmeraldSlave2


Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Yes how awful and wrong of you to want him to own up to the relationship he has and allow this woman to know the full truth and make an informed consentual choice?

You're forcing him to be honest, and so he gets angry at you.

I think it's best to get rid of him.

(in reply to predicament)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: predicament... - 4/9/2005 11:05:38 AM   
darkinshadows


Posts: 4145
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: UK
Status: offline
Firstly, He has been honest with you so far within this situation and this has been helped by yourself being understanding.

However, He now wishes to be dishonest with another girl. This means you will be dishonest also, and this is something you have to decide with yourself. Are you comfortable with dishonesty? This also (IMO) seems to show that if this girl knew about you she would not be happy with it. Therefore, the relationship is not consensual. Can you be comfortable with this?

Also, if He is willing to be dishonest with another person, can you risk that he will do the same to you? It is usual that dishonesty will spread further.

There is no reason for you to meet the other girl, unless it's to satisfy a curiosity. It is possible it may complicate things. But thats a personal choice between all of you.

Peace and Love

_____________________________
.dark.



...i surrender to gravity and the unknown...

(in reply to predicament)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: predicament... - 4/9/2005 11:16:57 AM   
RealTimePrincess


Posts: 25
Joined: 2/19/2005
Status: offline 		dark~angel, Is there any way you can adjust your font, and also right-justify everything? I get a headache everytime I read your postings... I know you're trying to be artistic and all, but it isn't working...

(in reply to darkinshadows)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: predicament... - 4/9/2005 11:26:25 AM   
darkinshadows


Posts: 4145
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: UK
Status: offline
It's just me.
It is up to people to either accept what and who I am or not. If not, then they will move on.
Take or leave it.

If you have a problem reading the font, you can copy, paste and change it elsewhere.
Else, you may need to just ignore my posts...

If you feel I may have something to say you want to read, or may be of usage, then it shows great skill to take ones time to study something you don't truely comprehend.

Thank you for your constructive criticism. It aid's learning.

Peace and Love

*edit for typo

< Message edited by dark~angel -- 4/9/2005 11:28:16 AM >

_____________________________
.dark.



...i surrender to gravity and the unknown...

(in reply to RealTimePrincess)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: predicament... - 4/9/2005 12:08:53 PM   
LordBennett


Posts: 24
Joined: 5/31/2004
Status: offline 		Where do they want to scene? What room in the house? You could let them go into that room by themselves then just move to the living room while they are scening if it would meen she would have to see you when you come out.
Alternatively, he says he does not want you to see her and vice versa but that does not say you could not knock at the door while they are scening and ask if either of them wanted something to drink. She would not see you but would know you are there.
Lastly you could ask if he will provide you with the same privacy if you want to scene with some other man in the future then follow through with it if he says he will provide the privacy to you and him. But beware as was intimated before, the relationship between you two is nothing more than platonic now as he does not care enough to be truthful about you and your existence.

Lord Bennett.

(in reply to predicament)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: predicament... - 4/9/2005 7:50:45 PM   
ScooterTrash


Posts: 1407
Joined: 1/24/2005
From: Indiana
Status: offline 		Bottom line, you're right, he's wrong. Open and honest is not cliche', it's imperative in my opinion to make any relationship work. We, as ShiftedJewel pointed out are both Dominants and we can and do scene with others, but not under any veil of secrecy, quite the contrary, we actually seek each others advice and even approval. We have NO secrets in our home and WE have no problems either, there has never, ever, even been a word uttered in anger...proof in the pudding perhaps? If it was me, I would be shopping for another partner.

_____________________________

Formal symbolic representation of qualitative entities is doomed to its rightful place of minor significance in a world where flowers and beautiful women abound.
-Albert Einstein

(in reply to predicament)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: predicament... - 4/9/2005 8:11:42 PM   
sarbonn


Posts: 203
Joined: 3/23/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LordBennett


Lastly you could ask if he will provide you with the same privacy if you want to scene with some other man in the future then follow through with it if he says he will provide the privacy to you and him.

Lord Bennett.


This is where the "truth" will actually come out, but not when the agreement is made. I was in a relationship with a Mistress who had a husband. They were both dominants. He had slavegirls constantly, and their agreement was that she was allowed to have a slave whenever she wanted one, but fortunately for him, she never had one (even though she was a professional domme). Then, she collared me, and I became her fulltime slave. That was when he kind of went nuts.

Turned out, it was okay for him to play with a slave, but it wasn't okay for her to have one, although they agreed beforehand that it would never be a problem.

_____________________________

Give a man a fish, he eats for a day...
...teach a man to fish, he steals your fishing hole and then charges you for the fish.

(in reply to LordBennett)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: predicament... - 4/10/2005 5:31:31 AM   
OrientalMistress


Posts: 34
Joined: 11/7/2004
Status: offline 		My dear, in My opinion you are absolutely not being unreasonable. I would say that the bf of whom you speak seeks to have the best of both universes...to have his playtime with the other as well as having you bow to his will, which if you are truly a Domme in nature, you will not allow.

The pouting may continue but if I were you, I would insist upon not only meeting this woman at the door of your home, but in sitting down and talking to her of her purpose and intention; even suggesting that she might well enjoy having the attention of two Dom/mes directing her.

Show your aggressive spirit! It is evident that you stood your ground and it was the bf who yielded...no matter how reluctantly. However, it also illustrated that he is not willing to lose you over something so easily replaced -- play with another.

One final word, you should insist on some form of punishment for your bf to be so insensitive as to think that proper concern and desire could be construed as "jealousy" {though there may exist some truth within the "j" word}. Perhaps you should bind the two of them together and give them both a good whipping.

To talk further on this, contact Me at [email protected].

Mistress Deborah

(in reply to predicament)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: predicament... - 4/13/2005 7:25:24 PM   
Sinergy


Posts: 9383
Joined: 4/26/2004
Status: offline
quote:

Firstly, He has been honest with you so far within this situation and this has been helped by yourself being understanding.

However, He now wishes to be dishonest with another girl. This means you will be dishonest also, and this is something you have to decide with yourself. Are you comfortable with dishonesty? This also (IMO) seems to show that if this girl knew about you she would not be happy with it. Therefore, the relationship is not consensual. Can you be comfortable with this?


Well put.

If you allow it, you are consenting to his treatment of her.

Sinergy

"Evil flourishes when good people do nothing" (dont remember the author)

_____________________________

"There is a fine line between clever and stupid"
David St. Hubbins "This Is Spinal Tap"

"Every so often you let a word or phrase out and you want to catch it and bring it back. You cant do that, it is gone, gone forever." J. Danforth Quayle


(in reply to OrientalMistress)
Profile   Post #: 16
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